BPD gf broke up with me - how can I get her back and regain her respect

[GGG]

Hello everybody.

First of all I would like to thank you in advance. I've been reading a lot of posts and it has given me a great insight on many stuff I didn't understand before the breakup and realising about the disorder.

I'll try to sumarize the relation, but as u can imagine is hard to put 2 years in just a few lines...

My ex-gf (28y) and I (31y) started dating about two years ago. It took me quite some time to seduce her but once it happened, I had the best times of my life. I was crazy for her, as she is the most sensitive, intelligent, sweet, creative, elegant and beautiful woman I've ever met.

When we met she was just new in town (She is russian and lived around europe wiht her european ex ), so she had no friends or help at all with the kid and I think she felt lonely.

She asked to move in with her very soon and I agreed cause it felt right.

She has never been diagnosed with BPD but ALL the symptoms match and the relation problems were pretty much the same as many of the described in this forum, besides she had an absent alcoholic father and an abusing mother. I have also spoken to few therapists I know and to my own ones and all of them have agreed that judging by my description, it matches wether NPD, BPD or both. Since she was afraid she could be narcisistic, this theoretically discards the posibility of being so ( As said by one of my psychiatrists )

During the relation we've had some ups and downs and the BPD behavioural patterns emerged quite often. Since I had no idea about the disorder and I was madly in love with her I believed almost all of her complains (Some more unreasonable than others). Some times I would confront her but she would say I was attacking her and rise the tone of the fight, and since I don't enjoy arguing I used to just shut up and agree or try to calm her down in one way or another.

She grew depressed cause had problems dealing with all what she was going through with her kid, and being alone, so she searched for help and was treated with escitalopram for the last year cause she had depression symptoms, delusions and suicidal thoughts but the therapist never came up with BPD (Despite the whole relationship matches exactly the description of a BPD and I've checked myself with few professionals). Once the treatment started she improved in a way, and the fights were not as usual.

In the last months, however, things weren't always super great, we had some problems due to my weed consumption, and she started working in the weekends, so I stayed with the kid while she worked, and during week I would do shifts like from 9 to 23 (I was doing 2 jobs plus freelancing work plus studying in the Uni, to prove I could provide and create a family ( I wanted to have a baby with her and she said we had no means to do it )) so we didnt spend too much time together and we woudlnt even go to bed together as I would have to stay working till late on freelance projects.

Due to this, we barely spent time together and in finally in the last months everything fell apart as I could not keep up with all my responsibilities and fell depressed once I got fired from my main job in late november, and even my body started letting me down ( I had some stomach condition and other health problems due to the stress ).

Also in late november she finally got officially divorced, and I could sense (And she confirmed it) that she felt worried and insecure now that she didn't have her ex back (She lives in an apartment bought by him and gets a fair amount of money every month, from which she and her kid live ). I asked again to marry me, to which she replied to talk about in the near future.

In late december she finished medicating, and by early january we had an argument because I accidentally saw that she was talking to an ex (I checked the time on her phone while cooking, and I saw his message on the screen, i didnt even unlock the phone, it was there ) and I asked what was the deal. Initially she showed concern and told me not to be worried but later on she got extremely violent and agressive and broke up with me and started behaving really rude, raw and hostile, saying absolutely awful things like i was not enough man, not strong enough, and that she disliked me or that she had been dating me for all the wrong reasons, while saying that I she did not want to listen to me or understand anything of what I had to say.

I even started crying and she just left, telling me that she wanted me out and far from her kid and that she wanted to be alone and on her own as she was miserable with me.

Since I had no job and almost no savings and my city is quite expensive, I spent the last month living on friend's places or away at my famiy house in a village away from my hometown.

For the last month I kept trying to talk to her (and maybe I pushed too much as I finally quited pot and started medicating with a new non-stimulant drug that has been avaliable for a little time that makes me a little obsessive ) and she would keep getting hostile and ignoring anything I could say, saying she was ethernally happy, and blocking me or saying I was nuts and she was scared of going to the street ( All of this is nonsense, as I've always been extremely respectful and absolutely never was agressive or went close to her apartment or gave her absolutely any reason to think I would do something like that )

The last week we've seen each other few times, at the kids carnival and few times that I went to pick up stuff and we got along well, we talked and laughed but she would eventually get distant. However she hasn't removed any of my pictures from the wall.

However I reached to some of our common friends to ask them to mediate but none of them agreed or found an edge to talk to her. I've found though, that not even her best friend knows about half of the things she has gone through, like the medication, or the suicide watch period )

Finally, few days ago I found out she is dated and I think even sleeping with another man she barely knew from instagram, who lives in our same city.

When I tried to ask about it, she blocked me saying is none of my business and asked if she had to promisme that she would be always alone in order for me to leave her in peace, and that's how it has been since 2 days ago. I havent tried to call her or send her any emails, and of course showing up at her place is not an option, so I'm in total darkness (i can see her facebook profile and instagrams but I cant send her any messages)

My honest truth is that I've done a whole lot of things wrong, I was paralyzed and overwhelmed by the fear of losing her and by my demons and my own issues and I haven't kept up to some expectations.

I haven't been able to explain everything that happened through the relatiion but I think the most important parts are described and I think that I hadnt succeeded on managing the crisis to make her understand and respect myself, and in fact many of our common friends agree on this.

Anyway, I'm much better now focusing on my problems, finding a new job, figuring out myself off cannabis and with the new med, doing therapy and sport (She used to say I didnt take care of myself nor my body and that I didn't respect myself),  and lost a lot of weght and I'm so much focused and calmed.

In the end, what I wonder is if some of this behavior may be triggered by her insecurities of the divorce and the fact that she believes I can't provide for her and if she may be using this man to channel her frustration as my psychiatrist suggested today.

I havent given up but of course I know I have to let time pass and give space, but I'm scared she will never consider listening to me or missing me (she once said she wouldn't have dumped me if she thought she would miss me) and Im scared time plays against me instead of in my favour, as she's an outstanding woman who hasn't found problems finding someone else as soon as she wanted and she has an history of jumping from man to man ( I even found out that when she started dating me she had just met another man few weeks before. She wrote him to break up with him)

I know that the easy answer is "move on" and stuff like that but I need constructive advice on how to reach her or improve the situation, as I'm already moving on with my life but I still think of her as the person I want in my life and now that I learned about BPD I can manage the situation so much better cause I know how to listen to her and to talk to her. Ive also seen that BPD partners have a tendency to go back and forth and I'm holding to that.

She is in a dark place despite saying she is happy, cause I know she is suffering with the divorce and the financial struggles and she is denying all her feelings about me based on some misconceptions and perception biases due to I believe BPD, her insecurities and fear of rejection or abandonment.


I'm sorry about the long post and that it may be a bit chaotic, but it came from my insides and I channeled the best way I could.

anyway thanks a lot to everybody for taking the time to read it and give me your opinion.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jonathan Ricciardi]

GGG, I'm sorry you're going through this it hurts bad.  But I will be honest with you, your story sounds just like mine. male 46- female 43. From my experience she is gone, gone and will never talk to you again.  She is currently giving you the silent treatment, ghosting, stonewalling, ostracizing, whatever you want to term it.  She knows exactly what she is doing, she is not a nice person and certainly is not the person you thought she was.  Don't let the people on here tell you she doesn't know what she's doing.  She knows why your no longer there, she isn't stupid.  I wish you well.

[Turkish]

Finally, few days ago I found out she is dated and I think even sleeping with another man she barely knew from instagram, who lives in our same city.

When I tried to ask about it, she blocked me saying is none of my business and asked if she had to promisme that she would be always alone in order for me to leave her in peace, and that's how it has been since 2 days ago. I havent tried to call her or send her any emails, and of course showing up at her place is not an option, so I'm in total darkness (i can see her facebook profile and instagrams but I cant send her any messages)

GGG, good for you on getting healthier and taking care of yourself. 



Here, though, she's sending a clear signal. The confusing thing about BPD is the push-pull dynamic. "Come here, now go away!" Rinse, repeat. Some members here go no contact, expecting the other person to "get it" and come back or reengage. For a person who suffers from identity disturbance (unstable sense of self), and emotional dystegulation, this can be triggering. It's a fine line to walk between validating their desires (couched in eber-changing emotions) and enabling them by validating the invalid ("I'm unlovable, everybody abandons me".

Some space can help, but contacting too much can trigger her. A balance might be to give a little space, a week, and reach out, "how are you doing?" Short, to the point, no explaining.

The tough part, of course, is that she is in some type of other r/s. That's hurtful. I was there. Though you're raw,.even wounded, she sounds likely to not want to engage that or listen at this point. If you back off a little to give her space, she may be open to a conversation. She's still attached (e.g., the pictures).

Turkish

[GGG]

As it turned out, she's back with the ex I caught her talking to. She denies it and says she wants to be alone and wants me "the f*** off her life".

She's super angry with me despite my no contact period and trying to change my issues. She knows about my co-dependency and does not care at all if I'm on treatment.

I have lost all my respect, and I ridiculized myself many times in front of her. She hates me and she's starting honeymoon period with the new dude, who lives in another country, so I'm guessing the whole period and relationship will last a lot more than average.

I know this sounds nuts but as well as working on my issues and trying hard to be no contact, how can I improve the relation with her? How can I at least be able to talk to her as a friend?

A lot of her triggers are - as a genuine BPD - nonsense so I'm starting to think I must act nonsense too.

I never confronted any of her lies but now at times I get tempted to really tell her how much I know about them, maybe using fuzzy logic works better. I've been too rational and never confronted her as I knew her issues and way of being.

I would sell my soul to the devil to be able to fix this and work on this together with her.

[livednlearned]

Hey GGG,

Is it possible that the medication you're on (the one causing you to be obsessive) can be swapped out for something that will tone down this particular side effect?

She has said she's afraid of you, and even though you know you aren't physical and won't do anything violent, that's beside the point for her. She feels that your behavior is obsessive and to women who have been abused, this can feel just as scary as being physically hurt.

Speaking from a woman's perspective here, I think you have to cool your jets. Anything you do at this point is only going to solidify her point of view even more.

If you want to do something proactive, I think she gave you some pretty sound advice -- she wants someone who respects himself. That's something you can work on, and it's pretty important no matter what happens.

[GGG]

I asked that to my therapist but the medication I'm taking is already the less harming one. I am lately much less obsessed about it but I guess I am so by nature and also very impulsive.

I have backed off a lot. I've written to her some days but it is clear there is no room for me in her life, as hard to swallow it is for me, so I'm working on giving up for good, yet I don't know how.

[livednlearned]

Have you done any CBT therapy to help with the compulsions? DBT also has some good distress tolerance ideas that you can find in their workbooks. You can break down different distress coping mechanisms and identify the costs, then come up with alternate actions to try and shift some of the payoff to healthier choices.

When you say you have written to her, do you mean that you've sent these messages to her?

[GGG]

When you say you have written to her, do you mean that you've sent these messages to her?

I mean I've sent her some messages on whatsapp, as we used to communicate mainly through there. Only stupid things, but the truth is that I've written to her every day for the last 4 or 5 days since the day I went to bring the flowers and ask her for a date. Also including the day I had to go pick up some stuff important stuff I needed from her place and accidentally stumbled upon his new/old bf (she doesn't know and he does not know me I guess). its all bad enough.

Today I did it again, just said "morning", and she didn't even reply. I'm trying very hard to stop once and for all, as I'm sinking in my own c*** every time I do it, making me look worse every time.

I'm doing CBT and reading a bit about DBT, can't do much else.

[livednlearned]

Today I did it again, just said "morning", and she didn't even reply. I'm trying very hard to stop once and for all, as I'm sinking in my own c*** every time I do it, making me look worse every time.

I'm doing CBT and reading a bit about DBT, can't do much else.

CBT and DBT are both a lot -- even one change in behavior can be an intense shift and require a lot of focus and energy. It takes a lot of effort to change behaviors, and compulsive behaviors are super hard! You do fine for one moment, and then you have a whole day of moments where you have to exert the same effort. Can this be your "safe" place as you try to channel your urges elsewhere? Maybe post here what you want to say? How you're feeling?

[50shades]

GGG - golovkin is that u 

In my honest opinion it sounds like this woman is a user and used you. The fact that she had all these traits you explained are probably due to the fact she knew what she was doing. You seem like such a nice guy, I guarantee u that when u get past this hard period by any means necessary that after u will be much more happier. Then when her honeymoon period is over and the new guy doesn't take as much ___ as u did she will realise but by then u will not even entertain the thought of getting back with her. Again just my opinion but don't waste your time on this poor excuse of a woman. U probably feel so bad about it due to the fact she took so much and left u with so little (using) but now u have your life back again and she can't take that away from you! Soldier on my man!

[GGG]

Thanks man. I'm trying. Thanks for your words.

She hates me and all of her friends kinda do too. Maybe it is time to realise I've pushed myself too much. Maybe it's me the BPD who can't let go.