What happens in the next relationship?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Does anyone know if they do the same stuff with the next person? I know they mirror people in the beginning, so they act like people different than we knew, but once the "mask" starts to slip, does the behavior go back to how they were? We all have similar stories and they have similar traits... .But I'm wondering if anyone has ever found out what happens next. I'm just not believing they can "change" that much... .

[Herodias]

Does anyone know if they do the same stuff with the next person? I know they mirror people in the beginning, so they act like people different than we knew, but once the "mask" starts to slip, does the behavior go back to how they were? We all have similar stories and they have similar traits... .But I'm wondering if anyone has ever found out what happens next. I'm just not believing they can "change" that much... .

[GreenEyedMonster]

My ex hasn't found a replacement, but my relationship was a carbon copy of the relationship he had before me.  Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, as my T liked to say . . .

[paperlung]

My ex is a low-functioning quiet borderline. She has burned through at least 8 relationships since her relationship with me.

The first one lasted three months but was long distance (they lived in separate countries) for the first two months. She was set to marry the guy so that she could stay in the US with him but he canceled the wedding the day before it was scheduled to happen, hah.

Then she moved back to my area but quickly found a new replacement and moved to go live with him. They were together for a year but it was a dysfunctional relationship and she cheated on him (online affair).

After that one, she moves back to my area again and starts going in and out of relationships that last only a month or less.

She's incapable of having a real, mature give-and-take relationship. What my ex is is a child who can't look after herself and depends on a man to do everything for her. She hasn't changed since I met her. Only thing different now is that she's diagnosed with BPD and is self-aware.

[Teereese]

He will burn through replacements until he finds someone who will feed his need for attachment and reparenting.

Then it will be wash, rinse, repeat of all he has ever known.

[blackbirdsong]

My ex hasn't found a replacement, but my relationship was a carbon copy of the relationship he had before me.  Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, as my T liked to say . . .

That means that we will also be codependent in our future r/s.

[FannyB]

Hi BH

Mine hasn't replaced me yet - obviously because I'm such a tough act to follow!  

However, over the course of our two entanglements I was able to glean plenty of information about my predecessors and no-one lasted more than 4 months. She's been stalked by her exes, hated by them and ignored by others i.e. nothing remotely normal there and all reactions associated with a lack of closure.

So based on that I expect nothing to change if she should venture into the murky world of online dating once again. The only game changer might be the onset of menopause - and one can only guess as to whether this would make her symptoms better or worse.


Fanny

[Pretty Woman]

I ask myself this question often, however I know four of her exes. She told me she cheated on all of them and I know over a course of ten years she's bounced back and forth between three of them.

She was married once to a man. He tried to kill himself and she left him for it, because that was a "loser move". She told me ALL these horrible things and I stayed.

Anyone who thinks it will be BETTER when they tell you all their horrible shyt. Clearly I have some narc tendancies to think I'd be treated better.

I think there are a lot of factors. Heck, we are all different. I triggered her like crazy. Who knows. All I know is she is a recycler, had 0 boundaries, 0 empathy, disassociates (has episodes where she has no idea where she is or what she is doing), is irresponsible and dangerous.

And that is all I need to know. I doubt she will recover overnight. That doesn't happen.

[C.Stein]

Does anyone know if they do the same stuff with the next person? I know they mirror people in the beginning, so they act like people different than we knew, but once the "mask" starts to slip, does the behavior go back to how they were? We all have similar stories and they have similar traits... .But I'm wondering if anyone has ever found out what happens next. I'm just not believing they can "change" that much... .

Blue, why does it matter to you what may or may not happen with him?

[Herodias]

C.Stein... .Just curious about the behavior. Since they are so similar... .My understanding is they repeat the patterns. Mine seems to be doing to as well. In response to our behavior, I think if we learn all we can about it- we are capable of changing our future. We have to acknowledge our patterns as well. At least I am very self aware now and I am behaving differently than I ever have. I feel more confident, yet cautious. I really would like a relationship, but have decided the ways I went about it in the past were really wrong, since I never chose the right people. Now I am just waiting for the right thing to happen in the time it is supposed to. I used to be a bit desperate to be with someone... .not anymore. I feel good about that. So, I believe with a true effort, people can change. I think people with PD's would have a more difficult time doing that though.

[MapleBob]

I found an old email from my uBPDexgf not too long ago where she literally spelled her pattern out for me: "I want to be with someone strong enough to do the work if sh*t gets tough. I have obviously bailed when things got hard in my past, and I am pretty resolved to try harder next time."

That's her pattern, and I bet she's said that at the beginning of every one of her relationships. Of course, I was "strong enough", and I proved it. Guess her "pretty resolved" didn't hold up over time. I think they want us to make it work, and it's not possible.

[once removed]

Just curious about the behavior. Since they are so similar... .My understanding is they repeat the patterns.

we all repeat patterns, certainly those of us here on this board do and i know i have. if you are watching your ex for signs that hes failing or doing the same thing, it suggests to me youre wondering where you fit in with it all. the relationship with your ex was real, you were there, it all occurred, and you didnt imagine it, and a new relationship will not be exactly the same. no two relationships will be the same, though for anyone, patterns of behavior may repeat.

bottom line though, if youre watching his behavior for these signs (which is essentially setting your recovery on whether he succeeds or fails) you might be surprised if things dont go according to what you expect (that was definitely the case for me and my ex and her new relationship). that will only serve to create self doubt.

you were there. you dealt with it. whatever he does in another relationship says nothing about you or your resolve.

[Fr4nz]

Does anyone know if they do the same stuff with the next person? I know they mirror people in the beginning, so they act like people different than we knew, but once the "mask" starts to slip, does the behavior go back to how they were? We all have similar stories and they have similar traits... .But I'm wondering if anyone has ever found out what happens next. I'm just not believing they can "change" that much... .

My personal experience: some time ago I contacted the ex boyfriend with whom my ex BPD gf spent the longest amount of time in a r/s (3 years); their r/s lasted until 2010, so quite before the start of my r/s with her (mid 2013, until the end of 2014, for a total of 1.5 years). As a consequence, I deemed it was pretty safe to contact him.

Indeed, the guy confirmed me ALL the patterns I observed during my r/s, and he agreed with me on the BPD/HPD "diagnosis". He told me he had to cut off my ex gf for "survival" reasons! :O

So yes, in my case my ex gf repeated all her dysfunctional behaviours and thoughts with me.

I also suspect that things with my replacement are going pretty badly (I have not direct proofs of this, though).

As it is stated huge amounts of times in this forum, BPDs do not change if they do not follow a proper therapy.

[SummerStorm]

All of my BPD friend's relationships go the same way.  Attachment right away, posts on Facebook that make it sound like they've known each other for years even though it's only been a few days, her being "rescued" by the guy (he buys her cold medicine when she's sick, lets her stay at his place when her power is shut off, etc.), passive aggressive posts on Facebook about the guy, and then the break up.  Recently, it's been the guys who have broken up with her, so some of her cracks might be starting to show. 

She's gone through four guys since January.  The new one reminds me of me and her one ex, so he might stick around for a while.

In terms of mirroring, she definitely has a pattern.  She started styling her hair the same way her boyfriend from February did.  It was actually kind of weird.  Even her mom said something to me about it.  This new guy is pretty clean-cut (no tattoos, no piercings, glasses, works at a cafe), so she's been wearing dresses, took him to her dad's house for Easter dinner, goes bowling and plays bingo with him, etc.  This is definitely far from what she is like 98% of the time, so I don't know how long she'll be able to keep this up. 

[JerryRG]

My ex found a guy, posts how he rescued her from deaths door, ummm where have I seen this scenario play out before? Same old story different player.

The key word is "rescue"

[hopealways]

Yes the next relationship will be the same as yours, i.e. tumultuous and chaotic push/pull cycles, you name it. Looking back my ex's ex had to go through many of the same things I did. 

A relationship with a BPD cannot be sustained, we are kidding ourselves if we think we will be the ones that will change them or that with us it will be different.  The reason it cannot be sustained is because they are living a fantasy with us, so our relationship was in fact not real to them, it was a fantasy for them and when the fantasy didn't pan out 9as it never does since fantasies are not based on reality), they get disappointed and rage.  You know the rest.

[JerryRG]

She actually quoted something on her fb about her new guy, how he was not God, she heard this from me a few dozen times when we fought.

I'm not God, I didn't cause her problems, I couldn't control them and I sure couldn't cure them. Blah!

Like me and everyone else, she will have to learn on her own time and at her own expence and ours sons.

[Turkish]

Took my kids, Ex, mom to lunch on Easter. My Ex told me a story about arguing with her H over something rather innocuous regarding him watching the kids the previous week. It came out because S6 told a story.

That evening, we were at the ex-laws' house. H comes in late. My Ex totally ignored him to the point of being rude. Not even an arm touch. When she acknowledged him, she was rude and dismissive. I didn't see the love anymore, but he WOE. It's sad, and sadder still given our children. This was a hot and heavy r/s less than a year ago.

[JerryRG]

It is very sad and I'm sorry to hear this, the kids suffer most in my opinion.

My ex couldn't live up to what I seen in her, she is brilliant, so many talents, beautiful, so much potential and yet cursed with this illness. I lifted from homelessness, the gutter, drug addiction, abuse, crazy sick friends, prayed over her, comforted her, saved her from suicide, gave her my love, attention, time, my heart, my soul, my child, everything I had was hers, except her love.

I still don't know why I feel so bad, I lifted her up so she could kick me down and stomp on my heart. So sad yes this BPD, it destroys them, and those who dare love them.

[C.Stein]

I lifted from homelessness, the gutter, drug addiction, abuse, crazy sick friends, prayed over her, comforted her, saved her from suicide, gave her my love, attention, time, my heart, my soul, my child, everything I had was hers, except her love.

Do you see the problem here?

[Herodias]

I know it wasn't imagined! I'm not crazy,lol I just wonder what part we play in bringing out the behavior. People are people though... .My stbx seems to be making friends on FB with people who have babies... .I suppose to learn how to act with them. I am afraid that one again, FB will fail him, because a baby doesn't make you "happy" as I believe he thinks. I think he expects life to be so wonderful when he has this child... .I think he will be sadly mistaken when he sees that the baby gets all the attention taken away from him. I am sure it will bring him some attention from others, but not what he expects. Babies require allot of money and allot of attention. I hope his Mother warns her not to leave him alone with the child... He is very dangerous is all I can say. He told me if we hadn't miscarried , maybe we things would have been different between us... .what a mean thing to say! Maybe I am wanting to see just how "different" he will be! May is the due date... .this seems to be taking forever! I know things may be a bit different... .he is in a whole different situation than he was with me. For that alone, I know he isn't happy. He is struggling no doubt- Big income drop, big position lost at work and lots of debt (which he would always get into-I just took care of it all-now he has no one who can help him with it). I would think there is allot of pressure there. His pending felony will be dropped in June and then he will be free to "act out" as he always would when in the same situation. As long as he had the courts watching him, he could behave better... .the minute it was dropped, all hell broke loose. There is a pattern and I know it will continue. My friends say I am just not there to try to "help" him any more and I should be grateful. Maybe it's the pedestal they put us on and made us feel so needed... .now we are not needed and someone else is there to help them. I would think we all try to help in the same ways though. I had to involve the police, so he didn't trust me anymore. Her friends are police and a therapist ironically! He has to be very careful. She worked in a detention center for awhile... .it's interesting that she has gotten herself in this mess with him now. A friend of mine thinks she will contact me one day... .you never know. Believe me... .I am angry - angry at myself! I just want to see how long someone else will put up with him. It could go either way... .She could leave because of the baby immediately when there is danger or she could stay longer thinking she needs him. Who knows... .I am not caught up in the drama... .I am just telling you the story. I know I will hear about it eventually. Divorce can't come soon enough!

[JerryRG]

Yes I think I do C.Stein

Beside my self pity and gradious self image of saving someone, I was playing God? Heard someone say in a meeting one time about rescuing others and the motivation behind our choices but can't remember how it was worded.

Was I close to what you were thinking C.Stein?

[C.Stein]

I know it wasn't imagined! I'm not crazy,lol I just wonder what part we play in bringing out the behavior. People are people though... .My stbx seems to be making friends on FB with people who have babies... .I suppose to learn how to act with them. I am afraid that one again, FB will fail him, because a baby doesn't make you "happy" as I believe he thinks. I think he expects life to be so wonderful when he has this child... .I think he will be sadly mistaken when he sees that the baby gets all the attention taken away from him. I am sure it will bring him some attention from others, but not what he expects. Babies require allot of money and allot of attention. I hope his Mother warns her not to leave him alone with the child... He is very dangerous is all I can say. He told me if we hadn't miscarried , maybe we things would have been different between us... .what a mean thing to say! Maybe I am wanting to see just how "different" he will be! May is the due date... .this seems to be taking forever! I know things may be a bit different... .he is in a whole different situation than he was with me. For that alone, I know he isn't happy. He is struggling no doubt- Big income drop, big position lost at work and lots of debt (which he would always get into-I just took care of it all-now he has no one who can help him with it). I would think there is allot of pressure there. His pending felony will be dropped in June and then he will be free to "act out" as he always would when in the same situation. As long as he had the courts watching him, he could behave better... .the minute it was dropped, all hell broke loose. There is a pattern and I know it will continue. My friends say I am just not there to try to "control" it any more and I should be grateful. Maybe it's the pedestal they put us on and made us feel so needed... .now we are not needed and someone else is there to help them. I would think we all try to help in the same ways though. I had to involve the police, so he didn't trust me anymore. Her friends are police and a therapist ironically! He has to be very careful. She worked in a detention center for awhile... .it's interesting that she has gotten herself in this mess with him now. A friend of mine thinks she will contact me one day... .you never know. Believe me... .I am angry - Angry at myself! I just want to see how long someone else will put up with him. It could go either way... .She could leave because of the baby immediately when there is danger or she could stay longer thinking she needs him. Who knows... .I am not caught up in the drama... .I am just telling you the story. I know I will hear about it eventually. Divorce can't come soon enough!

Certainly I can understand the anger, I am still angry myself.   How does all this speculation help you detach and heal?

[C.Stein]

Yes I think I do C.Stein

Beside my self pity and gradious self image of saving someone, I was playing God? Heard someone say in a meeting one time about rescuing others and the motivation behind our choices but can't remember how it was worded.

Was I close to what you were thinking C.Stein?

In part.

[JerryRG]

Thank you C. Stein

I'm willing to listen, not so willing to change. My sponsor gets very upset with my stubbornness, just one of my character defects. Working on improving but takes time, my son needs a good dad. But even that isn't a sufficient motivator for me, this has to be my recovery because when I fail, my loved ones are affected as well.

I obviously don't like focusing on me yet I'm the center of the universe.

This whole selfish codependency thing is confusing to say the least. Change is possible only for those willing to do the hard work.

[bunny4523]

All I know is I used to hear these stories about what his ex would do and say and I thought she was one messed up individual until I started hearing him say those things about me.    Then I knew it was bad, very bad. scary

[Herodias]

"Certainly I can understand the anger, I am still angry myself.   How does all this speculation help you detach and heal? "

It doesn't. I just am miserable today and want to think he will be too. Like an idiot I posted something on a forum of anti social persons. Questioning their thoughts on a matter... .you know what one said ? The F word! He swore at me... .that just triggered all kinds of crap for me. I am a glutton for punishment today I guess. I deactivated myself from that website and told them to please take down my question. Maybe that was a big reminder to me of what I was in before. I just don't know what I am sitting around feeling sorry for myself today? I am utterly miserable and haven't been. I think it's getting closer to him having this baby and I am feeling awful about the whole situation. I feel safer here with other people like me... .I wish I knew for sure what my husband personality was... He was diagnosed with a PD, just not which one. He seems to have bits of all 3 BPD,NPD and ASD... .I have to stay away from those people. I am too sensitive.

[Turkish]

Yes I think I do C.Stein

Beside my self pity and gradious self image of saving someone, I was playing God? Heard someone say in a meeting one time about rescuing others and the motivation behind our choices but can't remember how it was worded.

Was I close to what you were thinking C.Stein?

A member here once said something like, "you can't fix your issues with one person with a completely different person. It's impossible."

[Herodias]

bunny, did you think you acted that way? Mine would lie all the time. All the time! He told people I cheated on him... .because that was what he was doing to me. I don;t believe a word he says now. Not a word. It's the boy who cried wolf basically. His Mother feels the same. He said I was too controlling- well, maybe trying to tell someone not to do all the bad stuff they were doing was controlling. I guess I should have just left. That's what I am mad about. Mad I got myself into this mess in the first place.

[troisette]

Hi Blue, it might be worth your while doing some emotional preparation for after the baby is born.

A new born brings HUGE changes in a relationship. Lack of sleep, sometimes jealousy of the attention a new baby requires. It can be difficult in a healthy relationship with a mature adult. I can't imagine what it might bring in a relationship involving BPD once the gloss has worn off.

You might see behavioural changes in him. Just saying.

[Herodias]

troisette, do you have experience with this? I know what you mean... .that's why I do not know how he is going to handle it at all.