BPD Mum- Can't cope with anymore

[Cleo123]

Hi,

I'm a 20 year old student who moved out to University back in September. I am currently living twenty minutes away from my BPD Mum. She was diagnosed last summer but has been showing symptoms for years previous to her diagnosis.

I have struggled emotionally throughout my childhood. Myself and my brother were raised by our mum as a single parent. From a young age I had always been unsure as to why my mum could be so cruel. I was kicked out of the house several times and subject to emotional abuse for years. It didn't matter what happened, I never gave up because I love my mum and feel so much guilt whenever I feel like I need to cut her out of my life.

Things got worse back in September when my mum was admitted to a mental hospital for a week after a suicide attempt. I phoned every day and made several visits, which always ended with her blaming me for her illness because I went to university. The last time I saw her she walked away from me and said 'you don't need a mother anymore, have a nice life'. This was back in September and I have not seen my mum since. However she insists that i contact her every day without fail and often our conversations end up in things being twisted and turned into arguments. I have begged to see her so many times but she claims I am a trigger for her feeling suicidal and that hurts. She blames me for everything and has made several attempts to alienate other family members against me. I am really struggling to cope with this constant stress I feel every day.

I feel very alone, I have my boyfriend who has offered me support but I feel like the emotional stress this has put on me is now also affecting our relationship. I miss my mum more than anything but sometimes i am overwhelmed with feelings of absolute hate because every time we try and build up to seeing each other she finds another reason or excuse to call me evil, and make up lies about me.

I have thought about cutting contact for the sake of trying to find some stability in my life, but the thought of not having my mum makes me feel sick. She has raised me and my brother on her own and all I've wanted to do is support her but it is so difficult when she sees me as an evil uncaring daughter. I am disgusted with myself for having these thoughts because I know the BPD is not her fault but I am tired for being the one who is targeted over everything.

All I want is for my mum to get better and that is why I don't want to give up on her.

Does anybody have any advice on how I can cope with this?

[Turkish]

Hello Cleo123,

I was the single child of a single mother. She adopted me just before I was two and a half. I moved out on my 18th birthday to escape. Later that year, as she was severely dysregulating, I got the "just leave!" I was so angry and frustrated, that I wanted to go NC permanently. I had showed up with a friend to help move stuff she was losing in storage. Her issues had nothing to do with me.

These are our only mothers. No matter how they acted or whatever they did to us as children, they're still our mothers.

That she sees you as "the evil, uncaring daughter," doesn't sound like reality. Quite the opposite. You're not responsible for her feelings.

I went LC with my mom for years. I did some "rescues" as needed (which I shouldn't have), but mom was mom, and Turkish was Turkish. Seperate individuals. She went into deep therapy since I was gone. She needed to, and I needed to be me as an adult.

She's trying to keep you a child, but acting like you're a parent, a role reversal. Asserting boundaries can help, and this doesn't mean that you are a bad child. It's about not doing for her what she needs to do for herself.

Turkish

[wantyousafe]

Hi,Cleo

What you are saying makes me feel so bad because my nieces and nephews have grown up with schizophrenic or BPD mother's and I have seen the effects;I'm very glad you have found this website and can learn better how to reduce the impact.

Let me pass on something that my mother said to me... ."you choose to have children,they don't choose to have you". In other words, she expected me to do what I did for her for love, there is no obligation.

And something I have said to my niece; my sister and I are the past, we've had our life for good or bad.my niece and her family are the future and she must not jeopardise that for her mother. Nor must you jeopardise your relationship with your boyfriend.I also hope that you have a good relationship with your brother and can work together through this.

Take care!

[BluePearl]

Hi Cleo,

Firstly, I'm so sorry for the hard time you're having. Your mom's behavior is very hurtful and I don't blame you for feeling sad/angry/overwhelmed. Thank you for sharing your story, as painful as it is. I myself am still figuring out how to cope with my mom's uBPD. One book that has really helped me is "Stop Walking On Eggshells" by Paul T. Mason. I'm thinking that this book could be a solace for your situation. Not only did the book help me set up boundaries, but it also prepared me for how my mom would use FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) to get me to give in to her. Somehow, knowing ahead of time that she would use FOG against me really helped me feel prepared. It also helped me have a less severe emotional response to her behavior. I still feel sad/angry by her behavior, but for the most part I feel as though the severity of those emotions are toned down. This site has a lot of great reading recommendations. If you come across any other books that you find helpful, I'd love to hear about them.

In the meantime, do something kind for yourself! You mentioned that you're at college right now, so I'm anticipating that money might be tight. But there are a lot of free things you can do for pure enjoyment. For example, I love adult coloring books. They are a great stress relief to me, and you don't even need to buy an entire coloring book. Just do an internet search for free/downloadable coloring book pages - then print one out and get coloring. Seriously, I'm 28 years old and I freaking love those things  Or maybe you and your boyfriend can have a picnic together on a nice day. Little stuff like that can make a big difference.

Best wishes to you! You are stronger than you know and you're doing a great job at keeping your chin up.

Cheers,

BluePearl