I gave in

[Tomacini]

Well yesterday evening she texted me to ask if we could talk.

I phoned her and she was crying saying she couldnt handle that we were in a fight and asked if i could come over.

Well surprise surprise there was no talking to be done. Only thing she said was: i dont like arguing with you and we should just be friends... .

We would leave on a trip next week and she was afraid to go because of the terrorism. Well today i said, i'm taking someone else.

Also talked to her mom and she said: dont give in to her so soon. She has few boundaries and she needs to fight for things.

When i said last night: i cant be friends, she said: maybe you should try harder. You havent even tried. Well to be honest, i'm going to cut all contact with her.

I just feel stupid for giving in last night

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

I just feel stupid for giving in last night

So where is this relationship headed for you?  Do you still see her as a part of your future?

[Tomacini]

No where at the moment.

If she wants to talk ok, but ONLY if it is about us working towards a future together. Otherwise don't contact me

I have to set boundaries

[Tomacini]

Would this be a good approach?

[JohnLove]

Hello Tomacini, don't be too hard on yourself. It is all too easy to be "sucked in". The experience you describe I have experienced a number of times. There is no genuine understanding to be shared... .they just want to simply push the reset button and start all over again.

That tactic may be healthy in the context of only using occasionally in a healthy relationship when two people can't come to a complete agreement on something... .so you just let it go.

But to try and build a relationship on misunderstanding, ignorance, and resentment?... .good luck with that.  

[C.Stein]

If she wants to talk ok, but ONLY if it is about us working towards a future together. Otherwise don't contact me

I have to set boundaries

So what do you expect from this talk?  What is your boundary here specifically?

Friendship is a huge part of any intimate/romantic relationship.  How do you see setting an agenda of what can and cannot be discussed will help you move forward with this woman?  Certainly I can understand how you do not want to hear the gas lighting, complaining, blame shifting, etc... .whatever is normal from her, but she needs a voice too.  Be careful you don't take that from her.

[Tomacini]

I dont think i fully understand what you are saying c. Stein.

Could you explain a bit more. Maybe give an example of what you mean?

Thanks!

[C.Stein]

Could you explain a bit more. Maybe give an example of what you mean?

Not really sure what you want explained? 

[Tomacini]

Well for me, its not ok to stay friends. But you say that friendship is an essential part of a relationship but when there is no relationship... .i don't want a friendship as well.

I think i have to see for myself what works but staying friends isn't. If i'm giving her a voice in this, she will say that she wants to stay friends.

Anyway, i read somewhere that its not good to stay friends with a BPD since they want it to keep controlling you

[C.Stein]

Oh, I see what you want explained.

I'm not suggesting you be only friends with her now.  If you want to continue a romantic relationship with her then it is important you understand friendship is a major part of any romantic relationship.  I would even go so far as to say it is the single most important component of any healthy and long lasting relationship.

[livednlearned]

i read somewhere that its not good to stay friends with a BPD since they want it to keep controlling you

There is a lot of dependency in BPD -- codependent relationships. They push boundaries, we appease. You cannot stop her from pushing boundaries, you can only change what you do. If being a friend with her is not acceptable, that means you assert a boundary. "I'm not comfortable with a friendship, so for my own peace, I'm out. You're a <positive words> woman and I love you. I also care about what I want, what I need."

She may resist your boundary, and it may make her angry. It is also comforting -- she has poor boundaries and depends on others to have them.

You may feel different about a friendship as your own boundaries strengthen, who knows. If so, you want to leave the door open and that means taking responsibility for how you feel, for how you protect and assert your boundaries.

You can do this with dignity