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Author Topic: Birthdays  (Read 1856 times)
MapleBob
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« on: March 31, 2016, 01:22:27 PM »

Well folks, today is my birthday, and I'm dreading/hoping/wondering if I'll hear from my uBPDexgf. She's big on birthdays, but she's painted me black pretty hardcore at this point as far as I can tell. We've been NC for almost three months now, so it's still that 90-day "who knows?" window... .

I have good plans and things to be grateful for today, but I have to be honest that I'm having some low moments too, and fear moments, wondering if/how I'll hear from her. And I don't want to hear from her, and I want that last sign to detach, so... .  That and all of the "well dang, I'm 35 now" mortality thoughts and reflections ... .lots of feelings today. 
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WoundedBibi
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« Reply #1 on: March 31, 2016, 01:41:05 PM »

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Mapleboob... , happy birthday to you!

Good you have plans  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

A 'last sign' from her will not detach you I think, so why don't you pass on that 'present'  Being cool (click to insert in post)?

Ahh... 35... beautiful age... Sigh... I wish I was still 35...  
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« Reply #2 on: March 31, 2016, 01:45:01 PM »

happy birthday maplebob!

treat yourself well today. celebrate Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #3 on: March 31, 2016, 01:51:55 PM »

Happy B-Day.  I also had the anxiety on my birthday but she blew off my B-Day just as easily as she threw me away.  So I say to you, turn off the phone, don't check your email and enjoy your B-Day!   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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joeramabeme
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« Reply #4 on: March 31, 2016, 04:02:06 PM »

Happy Birthday MapleBob.

I am with C Stein, enjoy the day.  Your worthy of the celebration whether or not she acknowledges... .
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« Reply #5 on: March 31, 2016, 05:12:16 PM »

Happy Birthday, Maplebob! I echo the others. Go have fun! I totally get the range of feelings you have as you've wondered about this day for a while. But do your best to enjoy it. Wake up tomorrow and notice that you've passed another big day on your path to true detachment.

And in july I'll be 39. So 35 is nothing!
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MapleBob
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« Reply #6 on: March 31, 2016, 08:06:40 PM »

Thank you ALL!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Been a pretty good day so far, despite some morning rumination. No word from the ex, but that wasn't unexpected. If she sent a card it might not even get here today (that was totally her style), so I'm kind of, like, whatever. Part of me is glad she hasn't, honestly. Anything she would have said would likely have made me angry, and I don't need that any day of the year (nor the inevitable deep-breath-clench-teeth-and-validate that I would have had to do).
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MapleBob
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« Reply #7 on: April 01, 2016, 09:22:56 AM »

Now I'm angry about it, and I feel silly. 
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C.Stein
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« Reply #8 on: April 01, 2016, 09:25:16 AM »

Now I'm angry about it, and I feel silly. 

Angry about what?
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WoundedBibi
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« Reply #9 on: April 01, 2016, 09:25:28 AM »

Now I'm angry about it, and I feel silly. 

Angry that she didn't contact you, you mean?
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MapleBob
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« Reply #10 on: April 01, 2016, 09:35:01 AM »

Now I'm angry about it, and I feel silly. 

Angry that she didn't contact you, you mean?

Yes. It's not rational, and part of me is still glad that she didn't. But it's like the least she could do. I feel bratty about it!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #11 on: April 01, 2016, 09:38:34 AM »

Now I'm angry about it, and I feel silly. 

Angry that she didn't contact you, you mean?

Yes. It's not rational, and part of me is still glad that she didn't. But it's like the least she could do. I feel bratty about it!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Instead of being angry she didn't, be thankful.   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #12 on: April 01, 2016, 09:44:04 AM »

Now I'm angry about it, and I feel silly.  

Angry that she didn't contact you, you mean?

Yes. It's not rational, and part of me is still glad that she didn't. But it's like the least she could do. I feel bratty about it!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I felt this hardcore on my birthday, back in September. I'd been obsessing on whether he'd contact me for months leading up to it.

Happy birthday!
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WoundedBibi
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« Reply #13 on: April 01, 2016, 09:45:11 AM »

Now I'm angry about it, and I feel silly. 

Angry that she didn't contact you, you mean?

Yes. It's not rational, and part of me is still glad that she didn't. But it's like the least she could do. I feel bratty about it!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Did any of your other exes contact you for your birthday? And if not, or not all of them, are you angry with them?
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MapleBob
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« Reply #14 on: April 01, 2016, 09:50:53 AM »

Now I'm angry about it, and I feel silly. 

Angry that she didn't contact you, you mean?

Yes. It's not rational, and part of me is still glad that she didn't. But it's like the least she could do. I feel bratty about it!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Did any of your other exes contact you for your birthday? And if not, or not all of them, are you angry with them?

I see your point, WondedBibi. Of course they didn't, and of course I'm not. It's irrational! I know that she noticed the date, I know that she remembered (it hasn't been that long), and to me the classy thing to do would have been to at least write "Happy birthday" on my Facebook wall, or something. I mean, I get it. It's just another upset from her, and I am absolutely responsible in this instance for my own upset. I was hoping for better from someone who will always wind up disappointing me.
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« Reply #15 on: April 01, 2016, 09:52:06 AM »

i get being angry about it maplebob. is it possible she thought youd rather not hear from her?
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WoundedBibi
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« Reply #16 on: April 01, 2016, 10:00:55 AM »

Now I'm angry about it, and I feel silly. 

Angry that she didn't contact you, you mean?

Yes. It's not rational, and part of me is still glad that she didn't. But it's like the least she could do. I feel bratty about it!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Did any of your other exes contact you for your birthday? And if not, or not all of them, are you angry with them?

I see your point, WondedBibi. Of course they didn't, and of course I'm not. It's irrational! I know that she noticed the date, I know that she remembered (it hasn't been that long), and to me the classy thing to do would have been to at least write "Happy birthday" on my Facebook wall, or something. I mean, I get it. It's just another upset from her, and I am absolutely responsible in this instance for my own upset. I was hoping for better from someone who will always wind up disappointing me.

Maybe it's not that she's trying to upset you. Maybe she doesn't give a rodent's behind about your birthday. Or maybe she thinks contacting you will upset you. Maybe she is lying drunk in a ditch. Or she couldn't contact you because she's been abducted by Martians.  There are many options why she didn't and we're not psychics.

But... ."the least she could do" sounds a bit like a pity prize to me.

"What's that you got there?"

"Oh, a birthday card from my ex"

"the BPD one that abused you?"

"Yeah"

"well... it's the least she could do after putting you through all that cr*p and breaking your heart, send you a card"

>>... .Really?

"It would have been classy". Is that realistic? Was she classy in anything else she did?

Yeah, I agree, you set yourself up for disappointment by expecting someone who has disappointed you A LOT not to disappoint you now.
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MapleBob
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« Reply #17 on: April 01, 2016, 10:02:22 AM »

i get being angry about it maplebob. is it possible she thought youd rather not hear from her?

Is it possible that she considered MY feelings?  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I think that she probably considered it and decided that she didn't want to give me an opportunity to reconnect. Maybe. Or she just didn't want to. We sent each other cards at Christmas and she admitted that she had a hard time writing that one even (and we were still in contact at that point). I don't know what I wanted or expected from her. She's gone, really. I set myself up by anticipating anything, I get that. It's been three months, and it just seemed like a golden opportunity for her to reach out, even if it was just "thinking of you on your birthday." Just a smidge of validation would have been nice, y'know?
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MapleBob
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« Reply #18 on: April 01, 2016, 10:05:26 AM »

Yeah, I agree, you set yourself up for disappointment by expecting someone who has disappointed you A LOT not to disappoint you now.

Oh I know, it's just hard. And our situation was a little bit different - we spent ten months trying to work things out between us in some vague way after the breakup over a year ago. And it was always framed as "one of these days I'm going to be less angry about the things that happened between us... ." Kind of hoped that would happen in time for my birthday. Our relationship always had "... ." at the end, but that's BPD, right?
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WoundedBibi
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« Reply #19 on: April 01, 2016, 10:08:03 AM »

i get being angry about it maplebob. is it possible she thought youd rather not hear from her?

Is it possible that she considered MY feelings?  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I think that she probably considered it and decided that she didn't want to give me an opportunity to reconnect. Maybe. Or she just didn't want to. We sent each other cards at Christmas and she admitted that she had a hard time writing that one even (and we were still in contact at that point). I don't know what I wanted or expected from her. She's gone, really. I set myself up by anticipating anything, I get that. It's been three months, and it just seemed like a golden opportunity for her to reach out, even if it was just "thinking of you on your birthday." Just a smidge of validation would have been nice, y'know?

On the one hand I get it, on the other hand I think "what kind of validation would a birthday message be?" Does thinking of you on your birthday validate what she did? Or validate your pain? Or is it about acknowledging she once cared?
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WoundedBibi
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« Reply #20 on: April 01, 2016, 10:10:04 AM »

Yeah, I agree, you set yourself up for disappointment by expecting someone who has disappointed you A LOT not to disappoint you now.

Oh I know, it's just hard. And our situation was a little bit different - we spent ten months trying to work things out between us in some vague way after the breakup over a year ago. And it was always framed as "one of these days I'm going to be less angry about the things that happened between us... ." Kind of hoped that would happen in time for my birthday. Our relationship always had "... ." at the end, but that's BPD, right?

Ahhhh... .So you were waiting/hoping for her to get passed her anger towards you?
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MapleBob
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« Reply #21 on: April 01, 2016, 10:30:08 AM »

On the one hand I get it, on the other hand I think "what kind of validation would a birthday message be?" Does thinking of you on your birthday validate what she did? Or validate your pain? Or is it about acknowledging she once cared?

Considering we went into NC with her saying that she still loved and cared about me and implying that she might be in touch again some day, it might give that statement some credence, yeah. (I know, I know ... .they all say that.)

Or maybe I'm clueless, I really don't know. Maybe a card comes in the mail today, or tomorrow, or never. I do know that would take more effort than that to convince me to reconnect with her.

I'm just disappointed, that's all. I got, like, 50 Facebook "happy birthdays" from people I barely know, and nothing from the person that I spent the last two years fighting for/with. I know that she thought about my birthday, and it sucks to know that she decided it wasn't worth it. The reasoning doesn't really matter.
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MapleBob
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« Reply #22 on: April 01, 2016, 10:37:29 AM »

Yeah, I agree, you set yourself up for disappointment by expecting someone who has disappointed you A LOT not to disappoint you now.

Oh I know, it's just hard. And our situation was a little bit different - we spent ten months trying to work things out between us in some vague way after the breakup over a year ago. And it was always framed as "one of these days I'm going to be less angry about the things that happened between us... ." Kind of hoped that would happen in time for my birthday. Our relationship always had "... ." at the end, but that's BPD, right?

Ahhhh... .So you were waiting/hoping for her to get passed her anger towards you?

That was pretty much the only constant in her behavior for the last year or so that we were in contact. "I'm SO angry at you, and I know now that I was wrong about a lot of the things that I was so upset about, but my experience was real and I have real feelings about it, and I'm trying to let it go, but it takes a really long time and a lot of space for me to do that... ." basically. A lot of back and forth, to the point that she finally shoved me away. I also heard a lot of "I'm just not strong enough to do this work."

It's a mess, I get it. I'd love for her to make a move. I'd feel validated by that, even if I had to say no.
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« Reply #23 on: April 01, 2016, 11:14:11 AM »

Maplebob, I get it. It isn't self-pity to acknowledge that disappointment. And, no, we aren't entitled to a place in our ex's thoughts but we are entitled to our feelings. It's natural to feel bad that she didn't want to be kind. I wish I'd had a word of kindness to honor all we'd been through. It wouldn't have cost him a thing, and yes, it would have been classy. I wished HIM a happy birthday. I took the high road every step of the way and made the breakup as easy for him as I possibly could, so--yes--I hoped he could be a human being about it.

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Anez
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« Reply #24 on: April 01, 2016, 11:19:17 AM »

I think it's ok to be angry about it, maplebob. You're a person with real emotions and thoughts and feelings. I think it's good to recognize the anger, to tell people about it, and not bottle it all up. My T told me that yesterday when i was angry about something with my ex. Getting these feelings out is very good for us.

so good for you for being angry and sharing that with people.

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MapleBob
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« Reply #25 on: April 01, 2016, 11:22:03 AM »

Maplebob, I get it. It isn't self-pity to acknowledge that disappointment. And, no, we aren't entitled to a place in our ex's thoughts but we are entitled to our feelings. It's natural to feel bad that she didn't want to be kind. I wish I'd had a word of kindness to honor all we'd been through. It wouldn't have cost him a thing, and yes, it would have been classy. I wished HIM a happy birthday. I took the high road every step of the way and made the breakup as easy for him as I possibly could, so--yes--I hoped he could be a human being about it.

Exactly! Yes, me too. I mean, I guess we already did the classy "let's try to stay in touch and do special occasions" thing for a year (or ten months, or whatever). I was civil, I tried to put my feelings aside to be her friend while she spun out about things for a while, I was validating (eventually  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) ), and she just kept flipping out at me with little provocation. I don't need any more of that, for sure, but a card or message would have been nice. That's all.

Like you said, I'm just disappointed. She said that we were family, but we're not.
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patientandclear
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« Reply #26 on: April 01, 2016, 11:30:01 AM »

"I'm just not strong enough to do this work." That sounds like a likely true statement. Can it be the basis for some peace of mind? That is where I come that allows me a measure of forgiveness for my ex. He is not strong enough (now/yet) to do the work required.

He should not be running around starting r/ships with people with prior trauma (me) or otherwise, when he knows he isn't strong enough to do the necessary work with someone he loves. True. But he deludes himself with hope that with a new person it will magically be different.  Not an unusual self-delusion.

Bottom line: she cannot do what you need. It is too hard or she prefers an easier path. Given that, is it kinder to send a birthday greeting? Not at all sure that is true. I didn't send a greeting to my ex this past fall because his choices are such that I cannot make myself intimately available to him, and he doesn't stop at the level of birthday cards, and I already know this.  But my reason is not that he is not "worth it." It's just a bad and dangerous idea. Maybe your ex feels that way--cares, but, bad idea.
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MapleBob
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« Reply #27 on: April 01, 2016, 11:40:09 AM »

"I'm just not strong enough to do this work." That sounds like a likely true statement. Can it be the basis for some peace of mind? That is where I come that allows me a measure of forgiveness for my ex. He is not strong enough (now/yet) to do the work required.

It has been the basis for the some peace of mind, yes, however hard to accept it might be. It's funny, I think I posted recently in someone else's topic that my ex had said in the very early stages of our relationship that she has a tendency to bail when things get hard, and that she wanted someone who was strong enough to do the work at that point. Guess not! 

I'd like to think that she cares about me (and I'm actually sure that she does), and that she's out there doing her work to get to the place that she needs to be to have a relationship. I think she learned a lot from me/us in that regard. Maybe that's happening. She's a good person, just a bit ... .underdeveloped in terms of relationship skills.
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WoundedBibi
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« Reply #28 on: April 01, 2016, 12:29:51 PM »

"I'm just not strong enough to do this work." That sounds like a likely true statement. Can it be the basis for some peace of mind? That is where I come that allows me a measure of forgiveness for my ex. He is not strong enough (now/yet) to do the work required.

It has been the basis for the some peace of mind, yes, however hard to accept it might be. It's funny, I think I posted recently in someone else's topic that my ex had said in the very early stages of our relationship that she has a tendency to bail when things get hard, and that she wanted someone who was strong enough to do the work at that point. Guess not! 

I think she did want that strong person when she said she did. But that doesn't mean she could get past her fears when the going got tough.

Excerpt
I'd like to think that she cares about me (and I'm actually sure that she does), and that she's out there doing her work to get to the place that she needs to be to have a relationship. I think she learned a lot from me/us in that regard. Maybe that's happening. She's a good person, just a bit ... .underdeveloped in terms of relationship skills.

I think she does. Just because a pwBPD subconsciously looks for other wounded souls (as do we) doesn't mean they don't care about us.

Whether she does the work or not remains to be seen but you shouldn't wait for it to happen.
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MapleBob
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« Reply #29 on: April 01, 2016, 12:34:52 PM »

Whether she does the work or not remains to be seen but you shouldn't wait for it to happen.

I'm not. I'm moving forward in life, with (obviously) some over-the-shoulder glances to see if maybe she's "catching up", or trying to. I have lots of good things to say about her, but I could also rip her a new one over the things she has said/done and not been truly accountable for. I've kind of called it a draw. Doesn't mean it isn't disappointing, or that I'm not hurt and confused by her inabilities (not to mention her abilities - to be angry, to lash out, to refuse to forgive, to refuse to understand my side of things, etc). I'm in reality about it.
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