Do they ever truly leave?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I've been spending a lot of time on here lately. I've read stories about guys who have been recycled, re-engaged, etc over 20 YEARS LATER. Do they ever truly disappear?

[sweet tooth]

I've been spending a lot of time on here lately. I've read stories about guys who have been recycled, re-engaged, etc over 20 YEARS LATER. Do they ever truly disappear?

[WoundedBibi]

I bloody well hope so!

[once removed]

sure they do. its been five years since my ex and i broke up. over those five years she once called my home phone, and twice added me on facebook before retracting the friend request. that was the extent of it. our stories are a limited perspective. twenty years later is a pretty small minority but it happens. if you set your expectations according to others' experience its likely to confuse you.

[Fr4nz]

... .however, we have to say that, on average, they come back quite often. Not always, but it definitely happens in a very relevant number of cases.

[once removed]

on average both partners come back quite often. in the cases here, its usually the "non". we have less a say in whether our partners contact us, we have every say in how we react or do not react.

PERSPECTIVES: Relationship Recycling 

[C.Stein]

I don't expect to ever hear from my ex again.  It is easier for her to pretend I don't exist, to pretend we never had anything together.  I am now a waste of time and space in her mind, painted the blackest of blacks in order for her to justify what she did.    If I were to kick the bucket tomorrow I seriously doubt she would even care, she might even feel relieved.  Even if one day she found herself wanting to contact me her shame, guilt and fear of rejection will keep her silent.

[WoundedBibi]

I don't expect to ever hear from my ex again.  It is easier for her to pretend I don't exist, to pretend we never had anything together.  I am now a waste of time and space in her mind, painted the blackest of blacks in order for her to justify what she did.    If I were to kick the bucket tomorrow I seriously doubt she would even care, she might even feel relieved.  Even if one day she found herself wanting to contact me her shame, guilt and fear of rejection will keep her silent.

I think the same goes for my ex. I haven't heard anything from him since July 7th when I went on sick leave. The only thing that makes me wonder sometimes is this blog where he writes about me, whether it's an attempt to paint me even blacker or to get my attention and for me to reach out to him. I will never know the answer because I will never reach out to him.

[C.Stein]

The only thing that makes me wonder sometimes is this blog where he writes about me, whether it's an attempt to paint me even blacker or to get my attention and for me to reach out to him.

Why are you still reading his blog? ... .where's that waggling finger emoticon  

[WoundedBibi]

The only thing that makes me wonder sometimes is this blog where he writes about me, whether it's an attempt to paint me even blacker or to get my attention and for me to reach out to him.

Why are you still reading his blog? ... .where's that waggling finger emoticon  

I am not. But I don't have amnesia, I remember what he wrote.

[peace74]

My first exBPD/NPDh and I  were married 8 yrs.  He discarded me and other than an attempt not long after he left there were no recycling attempts.  He painted me Black most of the time.  I know this because of the things my son would say he said about me.  I also witnessed him do this to his first ex wife but totally missed that red flag. 

Anyway, He remarried and I remarried.  I really didn't have a relationship with him.  I communicated more with his new wife regarding visitation with our son and child support etc.  She even reached out to me several times regarding his behavior.  He followed the same patterns of behavior with her.  They went through a rough spell last year and were separated for a couple months.  She cheated on him and he choked her and threatened her.  He called her mother a whore, etc.  I knew all this and he knew I knew all this.  My current husband had left right before this happened.  My first husband after we've been divorced for 10 years with very limited contact and unpleasant interaction more than positive actually texted me and asked if we could get back together.  He said we had more love and passion than any relationship he's been in and that we didn't give each other what we should have then and now the partners in our lives couldn't give us what we needed so we should just get back together and give to each other what we are trying to give to them that they can't appreciate.  It went on and on and I was like ---WHAT!     

I kept it short and sweet and told him that yes at one time we did share love but I had no desire to revisit that experience again.  He was polite and said he understood.  He got back together with his wife not long after that and went back to bad mouthing me and rewriting history. 

[sweet tooth]

My first exBPD/NPDh and I  were married 8 yrs.  He discarded me and other than an attempt not long after he left there were no recycling attempts.  He painted me Black most of the time.  I know this because of the things my son would say he said about me.  I also witnessed him do this to his first ex wife but totally missed that red flag. 

Anyway, He remarried and I remarried.  I really didn't have a relationship with him.  I communicated more with his new wife regarding visitation with our son and child support etc.  She even reached out to me several times regarding his behavior.  He followed the same patterns of behavior with her.  They went through a rough spell last year and were separated for a couple months.  She cheated on him and he choked her and threatened her.  He called her mother a whore, etc.  I knew all this and he knew I knew all this.  My current husband had left right before this happened.  My first husband after we've been divorced for 10 years with very limited contact and unpleasant interaction more than positive actually texted me and asked if we could get back together.  He said we had more love and passion than any relationship he's been in and that we didn't give each other what we should have then and now the partners in our lives couldn't give us what we needed so we should just get back together and give to each other what we are trying to give to them that they can't appreciate.  It went on and on and I was like ---WHAT!     

I kept it short and sweet and told him that yes at one time we did share love but I had no desire to revisit that experience again.  He was polite and said he understood.  He got back together with his wife not long after that and went back to bad mouthing me and rewriting history. 

So... .they never leave... .

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

It has been two years since the discard. Every few months she makes contact. The second last contact was to inform me how happily engaged she was to the latest man friend. The last contact was to tell me how she is single and loving every minute of it. I don't bother with NC anymore. A quick, polite and boring response from me. I have great pity for those suffering this illness. They hurt others but are blind to it due to their own inner hurt. I don't think they ever really break away from those that truly loved them. It hurts them too much to let go.

[greenmonkey]

For me it has been 16 months since I removed my uBPD exgf from my life.

Recently we ( me and my daughter) have had fake FB friend requests, anonymous LinkedIn views ( never happened before we met ), an various No Caller ID calls. The night time house visits have stopped for the meanwhile, but she still makes her presence known online.

Do they ever really go away and leave you in peace - I don't think so. I am moving on with my life no reacting to anything and I don't give her a millimetre  of me and my life.

She cannot communicate with me via email or phone as there are blocks in place and I got a new email address 1 year ago after the constant harassment. 

If she is happy to continue the same path knowing she will never get a reaction from me than that is down to her.

[sweet tooth]

It has been two years since the discard. Every few months she makes contact. The second last contact was to inform me how happily engaged she was to the latest man friend. The last contact was to tell me how she is single and loving every minute of it. I don't bother with NC anymore. A quick, polite and boring response from me. I have great pity for those suffering this illness. They hurt others but are blind to it due to their own inner hurt. I don't think they ever really break away from those that truly loved them. It hurts them too much to let go.

So you decided to go Gray Rock rather than No Contact? I think it's bizarre that somebody would discard another person and then give them updates on their life... .truly bizarre... .what was the nature of the discard?

[sweet tooth]

@greenmonke I got a bizarre "no caller ID" message six days after the discard. Then she viewed my LinkedIn every day for close to a week after that. Then nothing for awhile (that I know of). She deactivated her Facebook, but I have no way of knowing if she reactivates it and spies on me. I'm sure she does. Before the discard, she told me to take down the pics of us on Facebook, even though she deactivated it. The only way she could have known if they were there was if she was monitoring me.

[Lifewriter16]

This is a wild, uneducated guess, but I suspect pwNPD as opposed to BPD do disappear completely at the point where they feel you have unmasked them and see them for what they truly are.

Anyone actually have experience that suggests that's true? Lx

[WoundedBibi]

This is a wild, uneducated guess, but I suspect pwNPD as opposed to BPD do disappear completely at the point where they feel you have unmasked them and see them for what they truly are.

Anyone actually have experience that suggests that's true? Lx

My last two involvements were with what I think are NPD/BPD mixes.

The last one hasn't contacted me but has found it necessary to write about me. Whether that was an attempt to tempt me to contact him, I don't know. I haven't responded.

The first one kept silent for a year and when it was exactly one year after our last contact he sent me a LinkedIn invite. Which I ignored.

Apart from the type of PD I think it just depends on the situation, what happened, how they feel, if they are at a 'happy' stage in their life and on their individual character. They might all have a PD but they still are different people. There is no 'one size fits all'.

It's a bit like asking "do BPDs like strawberries?". Some will, some won't.

[WoundedBibi]

This is a wild, uneducated guess, but I suspect pwNPD as opposed to BPD do disappear completely at the point where they feel you have unmasked them and see them for what they truly are.

NPDs are just as unaware, if not more so, of their PD. They are normal. The rest of the world is nuts. So there is no "WOW she has seen me for who I truly am".

NPDs are not conmen who consciously and willingly trick people. They don't know their elevator doesn't go to the top floor or the view from their top floor is a mirage.

[SummerStorm]

Past behavior is usually a good indicator of future behavior. 

My BPD friend always comes back or at least tries to come back.  Recently, she re-friended me, her mom, and her stepbrother on Facebook, after we had all been blocked for varying lengths of time.  She dated a guy for 6 months last year.  Four months in, she tried to commit suicide.  At the six month mark, she canceled their plans to move across the country to live with her parents and then broke up with him.  A month later, she still had stuff at his place.  On her birthday, she went to his place while he was at work and stole a couple hundred bucks from him.  He called the cops, she stopped talking to him, blocked him on FB, told everyone that he physically abused her, etc.  In January, she sent him a friend request.  He actually didn't believe me when I told him that she eventually would, but I know her pretty well and knew that she would. 

She comes back and starts talking to me when she breaks up with someone.  I get the "I miss you.  I want to see you" text.  Then, a few days later, she's gone again.  It's gotten to the point where her mom and I say to each other, "Oh, I heard from her today.  She must have broken up with the latest guy" or "I haven't heard from her in a while.  She must have a new boyfriend."  Her behavior is very predictable.   And I'm not the only one she does this to.  She has a friend whom she calls her "sister," and she hasn't commented on/liked any of her posts for months, nor has she mentioned her at all on her own page. 

If you really want to know if a pwBPD will come back, check out their Facebook history.  I looked at the list of friends mine made in 2015 and 2016.  More than a few people repeat, which means that they were friends, weren't friends, and then were friends again. 

[troisette]

It depends on the individual I guess. What type of BPD they have and their age and resources may have something to do with it.

Apart from what may have been an attempt to reconnect (or may not have been), I haven't had any attempt to reconnect in six months.

A friend was over recently, she's recovering from a classic BPD relationship and still gets texts and attempts to reconnect. Mine ex is older and a quiet BPD. His behaviour is different, he goes away for extended trips, possibly to gather the strength to maintain his facade.

I have avoided places where we might meet. Eventually we will though and I think seeing me may trigger him. I don't look forward to this. I think it will trigger me too so defences in place.

[wanttoknowmore]

I think it depends on the pwBPD. Patterns repeat.

Some of them , once they discard a non, they never look back and always keep going with a new guy after new guy.

Some have a different pattern, they keep coming back to the same after the new boy toy loses shine. So in this "repeater" type pwBPD, they keep at least one past partner constant

like their oasis... .when going gets tough ... they come back to this oasis to get their support  and validation...  

Which Non  qualifies as their "oasis" loved one ?  The one who treated them the best, loved them most, was not  painted black and has more resources such as  lot of money, knowledge and is of future use for pwBPD  in any other way.

They keep in touch with this "oasis" type partner in some form and it is very hard for them to let go of this type. The one who mistreated, invalidated and hurt their feelings, they are able to move on easier once a new guy becomes available.

[HurtinNW]

This is a wild, uneducated guess, but I suspect pwNPD as opposed to BPD do disappear completely at the point where they feel you have unmasked them and see them for what they truly are.

Anyone actually have experience that suggests that's true? Lx

My experience with my ex, whom I think is more NPD than BPD:

It's not that he has the capability to feel unmasked, because in his mind he is always right, but rather he has realized his partner is completely insane and awful. He feels quite sorry for himself to have, once again, fallen in love with someone who turned out to be crazy. In his mind anyone who suggests he might have issues must be crazy. He believes in his own mask.

In the mind of my ex, his anger and rage is always provoked, and when he discards someone it was because he had no choice.

Looking at his past relationships, which were always very brief, once he determined his new soul mate was indeed irreparably flawed, he discarded them and moved on. He never expressed any care or concern about them at all. His only concern was whether his treatment of them made him look bad to others. I can recount his exes in my mind and each one followed this pattern. He was quite disappointed that women he had thought were so wonderful turned out to be so terribly flawed.

I think the primary concern of a NPD is image, to themselves and others. Once we have crossed the line to questioning that image then they cannot handle it, their inner sense of self is so very fragile, and they fly into a narcissistic rage. Their self defense is to paint us black and make a discard. Then they quickly go about repairing their image to themselves and others.

We can wander back into their lives anytime, but the condition of our return is our benefit of making them look good to themselves (confirming their mask) and others outweighs any behaviors on our parts that feel like an attack to their fragile self (such as challenging their reality by having different needs). Looking at my ex and his past relationships, as well as mine, the discard became permanent once it was clear the partner was more trouble than he was worth.

So long story short, yes, the discard becomes permanent when we unmask them, but this is not how they will ever see it.

[sweet tooth]

This is a wild, uneducated guess, but I suspect pwNPD as opposed to BPD do disappear completely at the point where they feel you have unmasked them and see them for what they truly are.

Anyone actually have experience that suggests that's true? Lx

My experience with my ex, whom I think is more NPD than BPD:

It's not that he has the capability to feel unmasked, because in his mind he is always right, but rather he has realized his partner is completely insane and awful. He feels quite sorry for himself to have, once again, fallen in love with someone who turned out to be crazy. In his mind anyone who suggests he might have issues must be crazy. He believes in his own mask.

In the mind of my ex, his anger and rage is always provoked, and when he discards someone it was because he had no choice.

Looking at his past relationships, which were always very brief, once he determined his new soul mate was indeed irreparably flawed, he discarded them and moved on. He never expressed any care or concern about them at all. His only concern was whether his treatment of them made him look bad to others. I can recount his exes in my mind and each one followed this pattern. He was quite disappointed that women he had thought were so wonderful turned out to be so terribly flawed.

I think the primary concern of a NPD is image, to themselves and others. Once we have crossed the line to questioning that image then they cannot handle it, their inner sense of self is so very fragile, and they fly into a narcissistic rage. Their self defense is to paint us black and make a discard. Then they quickly go about repairing their image to themselves and others.

We can wander back into their lives anytime, but the condition of our return is our benefit of making them look good to themselves (confirming their mask) and others outweighs any behaviors on our parts that feel like an attack to their fragile self (such as challenging their reality by having different needs). Looking at my ex and his past relationships, as well as mine, the discard became permanent once it was clear the partner was more trouble than he was worth.

So long story short, yes, the discard becomes permanent when we unmask them, but this is not how they will ever see it.

I've known quite a few narcissistic people in my day. I don't know if they'd necessarily qualify as NPD, though. From my interactions with them I've learned that their ego cannot handle any kind of (real or perceived) put down, slight, negative reaction, criticism, etc. When they paint you black, THEY PAINT YOU BLACK. They consider you not WORTHY of THEM, and there's no turning back. They don't reconsider. Their ego just can't stand the possibility that you were right.

From the BPDs I've known, which is limited a sample (thank God), their emotions, ideas, career goals, and even their values are in constant flux. They don't know what they want, other than that they want attention. They'll split you black, but then wonder why you don't pursue them. Then they'll either create chaos or beg you to give them another chance. Of the narcissists I've known, they never beg. Their feigned superior won't allow them to beg. They'd rather say, "The person wronged me (real or imagined). I'mbetter than they are. They're not worth my time" and cut them off to protect their ego.

Case in point: I work with some narcissistic guys. One said to another guy in a different department joking around, ":)id you run that by me?" The guy calmly replied, "I don't have to run anything by you." Needless to say, the guy from the other department was labeled a "no good ********" and still is.

What if they're BPD but have some narcissistic traits? Maybe they're the ones who never come back.

[HurtinNW]

Sweet Tooth, that very much describes my ex. He cannot bear any perceived criticism. He hears even the mildest effort to communicate as an attack on him. Anything that can be construed as criticism strikes to his core and he responds with narcissistic rage. I've read this is because their inner self is actually quite fragile, and cannot bear to feel slighted.

A narcissist will also perceive other people's needs and wants as intrusions and attacks. For instance, my ex raged once because I disagreed with him about a celebrity. In his mind this was me telling him he was wrong, and how could I be that stupid? They have a high need for constant attention, validation, and believe they deserve an idealized life.

I don't know if my ex would be diagnosed as NPD, as most people with NPD supposedly go undiagnosed. They create such good masks, and develop skills of charm, and most importantly, refuse to admit they might ever be wrong. However, from everything I've read on NPD my ex fits perfectly. He also fits well into a lot of BPD traits. The one BPD trait he doesn't seem to have is fear of abandonment. He engages in a lot of push-pull but I suspect it is more for narcissistic reasons. He wants the supply but not the needs that come with a real person.

In the past my ex painted me black, but did it by making himself the victim. That way when he recycled me he was being noble and trying again. The difference this time is his behavior is catching up to him. How many times can you portray your ex as crazy and then get back together? So now I think my discard is probably permanent. More because he senses I am developing boundaries, and boundaries to a narcissist are unacceptable. I don't think the tools of validating work well with NPD, because they cannot access the emotion under their rage. What we end up validating is their sense of superiority and entitlement. That was how I ended up feeling (I could have been doing it wrong, too).

I don't want to derail this conversation, but I have noticed that a lot of the women here seem to have had partners with NPD traits, and the men have had partners with BPD traits. I'm not sure why that might be. But several of us ladies seem to have had partners who disorder presents more on the narcissistic side.

[sweet tooth]

Sweet Tooth, that very much describes my ex. He cannot bear any perceived criticism. He hears even the mildest effort to communicate as an attack on him. Anything that can be construed as criticism strikes to his core and he responds with narcissistic rage. I've read this is because their inner self is actually quite fragile, and cannot bear to feel slighted.

A narcissist will also perceive other people's needs and wants as intrusions and attacks. For instance, my ex raged once because I disagreed with him about a celebrity. In his mind this was me telling him he was wrong, and how could I be that stupid? They have a high need for constant attention, validation, and believe they deserve an idealized life.

I don't know if my ex would be diagnosed as NPD, as most people with NPD supposedly go undiagnosed. They create such good masks, and develop skills of charm, and most importantly, refuse to admit they might ever be wrong. However, from everything I've read on NPD my ex fits perfectly. He also fits well into a lot of BPD traits. The one BPD trait he doesn't seem to have is fear of abandonment. He engages in a lot of push-pull but I suspect it is more for narcissistic reasons. He wants the supply but not the needs that come with a real person.

In the past my ex painted me black, but did it by making himself the victim. That way when he recycled me he was being noble and trying again. The difference this time is his behavior is catching up to him. How many times can you portray your ex as crazy and then get back together? So now I think my discard is probably permanent. More because he senses I am developing boundaries, and boundaries to a narcissist are unacceptable. I don't think the tools of validating work well with NPD, because they cannot access the emotion under their rage. What we end up validating is their sense of superiority and entitlement. That was how I ended up feeling (I could have been doing it wrong, too).

I don't want to derail this conversation, but I have noticed that a lot of the women here seem to have had partners with NPD traits, and the men have had partners with BPD traits. I'm not sure why that might be. But several of us ladies seem to have had partners who disorder presents more on the narcissistic side.

The short answer is because NPDs are typically men, BPDs are typically female, and about 95% of the population is heterosexual.

Your ex sounds like a real piece of work. I wonder what mine is saying about me... .Me guess would be that I "pressured her" into being more than friends... .even though her constant mixed messages confused the hell out of me... .like suggesting we go to a Valentine's Show together. I'm sorry, but it's unacceptable to assume the other person wouldn't think of that as a couple's thing unless he was gay... .

[sweet tooth]

The sad thing is I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. She told me not to contact her again, so I'm not. But her past history is to go cold and eventually contact me out of the blue like nothing happened. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, so I have to assume that eventually it will happen again... .

[SummerStorm]

The sad thing is I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. She told me not to contact her again, so I'm not. But her past history is to go cold and eventually contact me out of the blue like nothing happened. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, so I have to assume that eventually it will happen again... .

Near the end of July last year, I received a letter from my BPD friend, telling me to never contact her again.  A few weeks later, she was asking me if she could live with me because she broke up with her boyfriend. 

[WoundedBibi]

The short answer is because NPDs are typically men, BPDs are typically female

No, men are generally DIAGNOSED as having NPD and women are generally DIAGNOSED as having BPD. That doesn't mean NPD are typically male or BPD are typically female. The professionals that diagnose are still just people with biases just as everybody else. And a lot of NPD and BPD men go undiagnosed because they are more likely to drink heavily and be diagnosed as alcoholics.

The last two guys in my life are mixes of BPD and NPD. Not leaning more in one direction or the other as far as I can tell, it differed per day and was obscured due to having other issues such as substance abuse, OCD and depression.

[Lifewriter16]

The short answer is because NPDs are typically men, BPDs are typically female

No, men are generally DIAGNOSED as having NPD and women are generally DIAGNOSED as having BPD. That doesn't mean NPD are typically male or BPD are typically female. The professionals that diagnose are still just people with biases just as everybody else. And a lot of NPD and BPD men go undiagnosed because they are more likely to drink heavily and be diagnosed as alcoholics.

The last two guys in my life are mixes of BPD and NPD. Not leaning more in one direction or the other as far as I can tell, it differed per day and was obscured due to having other issues such as substance abuse, OCD and depression.

Yes, my fella was actually diagnosed BPD, but he said he had ASPD traits. However, he also appears to have NPD traits. Perhaps he didn't want to admit to being narcissistic. It doesn't elicit much sympathy.

What it boils down to is this, there's a lot of dysfunction there.

Lx

[sweet tooth]

The sad thing is I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. She told me not to contact her again, so I'm not. But her past history is to go cold and eventually contact me out of the blue like nothing happened. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, so I have to assume that eventually it will happen again... .

Near the end of July last year, I received a letter from my BPD friend, telling me to never contact her again.  A few weeks later, she was asking me if she could live with me because she broke up with her boyfriend. 

^Case in point... .I think a variation of this is basically what is going to happen to me... .

[WoundedBibi]

What it boils down to is this, there's a lot of dysfunction there.

Exactly.

We tend to want to/NEED to understand and try to analyze every breath our exes took but in the end it doesn't matter whether they have 80% BPD and 20% NPD or the other way around. Or if they had other issues on top.

It doesn't even matter if they were diagnosed because the diagnosis can be wrong (bi-polar instead of BPD for example), loads of them are undiagnosed and others don't ever tell you if they were diagnosed or not.

What we know is that they show signs of a PD. What we know is that the relationship didn't work. What we know is these relationships have a huge impact on us. What we know is we were not treated as we would have been by a person without a PD. What we know is that we need to focus on ourselves. What we know is we have to put in a hell of a lot of work to get past these relationships and past what ever reasons we had for entering the relationship in the first place. If we don't, we get stuck in this relationship or enter another one with a pwPD.

[SummerStorm]

The sad thing is I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. She told me not to contact her again, so I'm not. But her past history is to go cold and eventually contact me out of the blue like nothing happened. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, so I have to assume that eventually it will happen again... .

Near the end of July last year, I received a letter from my BPD friend, telling me to never contact her again.  A few weeks later, she was asking me if she could live with me because she broke up with her boyfriend. 

^Case in point... .I think a variation of this is basically what is going to happen to me... .

Then, in December, I got the following: "This is obviously not working.  Bye."  By Christmas, she wanted to talk again.  A year ago, she refused to talk to her dad and told her mom that she wanted to kill him (mom and dad have been divorced for a long time).  Last Sunday, she took her new boyfriend to her dad's house for Easter dinner.

[HurtinNW]

The short answer is because NPDs are typically men, BPDs are typically female

No, men are generally DIAGNOSED as having NPD and women are generally DIAGNOSED as having BPD. That doesn't mean NPD are typically male or BPD are typically female. The professionals that diagnose are still just people with biases just as everybody else. And a lot of NPD and BPD men go undiagnosed because they are more likely to drink heavily and be diagnosed as alcoholics.

The last two guys in my life are mixes of BPD and NPD. Not leaning more in one direction or the other as far as I can tell, it differed per day and was obscured due to having other issues such as substance abuse, OCD and depression.

My therapist told me historically the focus is on diagnosing women with personality disorders, so many men get overlooked or given the wrong diagnosis.

The only diagnosis my ex (to my knowledge) has had is depression. I've read that depression is very common in narcissism, especially when their supply is threatened. My ex falls into a deep dysphoria at any set back or loss. During these times my ex indulges in a lot of what seems like self-pity to me. I realize this is an ungracious way to see it, but it feels very insincere. This is an interesting article about it. www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/the-depressive-narcissist-narcissism-depression-and-dysphoria/

My ex had been prescribed anti-depressants in the past but they never worked. My experience of his depression was it was like a cap on a boiling hot rage of perceived injustice. This was especially true with the loss of his PN space over his job. And then at other times he would be almost giddy with good cheer. It was very confusing.

WoundedBibi, I agree that in the end it doesn't matter if my ex was one thing or another. The dx are labels, what matters is the behavior, conduct and the relationship. I have found it helpful for me to read a lot on disorders, though, because I have a tendency to self-blame. It helps me understand his issues as a mental health issue and not my fault. But the most important work I am doing is on myself. 

[sweet tooth]

The sad thing is I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. She told me not to contact her again, so I'm not. But her past history is to go cold and eventually contact me out of the blue like nothing happened. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, so I have to assume that eventually it will happen again... .

Near the end of July last year, I received a letter from my BPD friend, telling me to never contact her again.  A few weeks later, she was asking me if she could live with me because she broke up with her boyfriend. 

^Case in point... .I think a variation of this is basically what is going to happen to me... .

Then, in December, I got the following: "This is obviously not working.  Bye."  By Christmas, she wanted to talk again.  A year ago, she refused to talk to her dad and told her mom that she wanted to kill him (mom and dad have been divorced for a long time).  Last Sunday, she took her new boyfriend to her dad's house for Easter dinner.

Wow... .It's been just over a month of no contact for me.