Hard stretch of pain

[Welgrow]

I'm still a mess... .I look for her everywhere I go. I've been crying on and off all day long. I seem to have cried daily for awhile, and then for a couple of weeks it tapered off. Now the tears have returned. It's been about 4 months since we broke up and a month and a half of no contact. I miss her so much right now. I went to meet some friends at a restaurant this evening. It's the setting of our first date and just outside is this garden where she and I first kissed. I sat in that garden this evening and reflected, and cried, and hid my tears. I want to "man up" and just get over it. I'm embarrassed. Later this evening I drove over to Home Depot for a faucet part just before they closed. Then I stopped by 3 separate places on the way home to see if her truck was parked outside. I know it's not healthy to do that stuff but I did. I keep replaying everything. Especially our last conversations where she told me that she loved me and only me. She said she wouldn't move on and that she would wait for me to come back to her. My friend sent me a screen shot of her on tinder less than two weeks after she said that she would never move on and would wait for me. The photo she used on tinder is one that I took of her on my raft last summer. The wound is still fresh and I'm still hurting bad.

[Ahoy]

I think whoever thought up the saying "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" obviously wasn't directing that at someone with BPD!

This S**T consumes you! Mate I was down in the dumps really bad two days ago (I'm still really fresh from separation) and what picked me up was finding an angry white boy playlist on spotify, walking outside to my gym and funnelling all that angst and hurt into 45 minutes of exercise (I HATE the gym too)

Maybe it was the endorphins rush, or the lame music, but for a while after that I was able to focus on all the positives from breaking out of this mess. I could (sort of) look towards my future a little bit.

I just made a post today because I had to break N/C but I know when I finish work in a second, and before I head out, I'm going back to my gym and venting.

Pain is healthy, I have accept that, but don't torture yourself on top of that too. From the bottom of my heart I hope your day/night improves man.