Emotionally drained and hanging in there

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I feel numb, emotionally drained, confused, cold, empty, etc!

This is what my gf of 4 years has done to me with all the emotional (blatant and indirect) emotional abuse. Everyone says she's lovely when they meet her, but they don't live with her. Everyday I used to wait and wonder when she will start, what will start her off... Now I don't even wonder because it's everyday and everything. Even having her young daughter finally move in with us a year ago didn't help - made it worse and the poor girl was so sweet when she arrived but has now also become a victim of her mother. If I man up and tell her straight that makes things much worse and it's impossible to talk maturely about things with her. If I play the nice guy then she relentlessly breaks me down until I'm so numb that what she has broken me into becomes a problem - if I see my point. "U don't love me!", "u don't do nothing for me!" - etc etc etc... Had a break last year and within 1 week she had like 10 guys phone numbers. I crumbled and begged her back and ever since its all the same. If I'm not getting bullied she is bullying her daughter. She will start making outlandish statements to me over anything - if I'm texting someone I'm ignoring her and cheating when I'm just txting my friends she knows. She txts friends all the time I say nothing. If I answer emails I'm chatting with other women - no it's work email. Won't let me go to the gym alone so I do it at home. We did go together before but she got jealous. Can't go cinema with my mates no more because that means I care about them more than her. I'm a terrible stepdad even though I brought her daughter to this country, my house, got her in school, food in table clothes on back. If I wash up everyday for 1 month and then don't for 1 day it means I am selfish and never wash up and don't care about her. Ocd cleaning to the point where I can't be bothered to shower incase I don't clean up to her standards. Family gatherings, so much tension before l, belittling me and when we are there giving me dirty looks all night and then causing massive arguements after because apparently I wasn't glued to her all night - chatting with mum and siblings. Why do I do this? Why do I do that? Everything said or done gets questioned. Every answer gets challenged and becomes a new issue to again be questioned. Never yes or no just a cluster of random irrational words/actions. She's J ealous to the point I've been isolated to almost hermit mode and scared to walk down the shop because I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Work from home but apparently I do nothing because I'm at home all day although she has no academic qualifications or proper job - I have a first class university degree and run my own business. Told I don't hug her yet when I go to she basically pushes me away or doesn't embrace it is I do. When she wakes up say good morning and brace myself for the first sly little comment which will slowly build throughout the day until I'm a shell of myself and then end up looking and acting like I don't love her because she has made me that way. Then that's when she has created a real problem and has good reason to berate me. Rinse and repeat!

If it's not me the topic of her daily warpath it is someone else. Someone in the street, someone online, someone in her family, someone did this, someone did that, negative, negative, negative - nobody to hit out at? Her daughter and myself become the perfect targets! The day people can't change - she's made me put up with some stuff I would never of dreamt of withstanding!

Sorry went into rant mode, not good at paragraphs when typing on the phone, will fix later just needed to vent! (See how I now naturally justify myself)!

[50shades]

I feel numb, emotionally drained, confused, cold, empty, etc!

This is what my gf of 4 years has done to me with all the emotional (blatant and indirect) emotional abuse. Everyone says she's lovely when they meet her, but they don't live with her. Everyday I used to wait and wonder when she will start, what will start her off... Now I don't even wonder because it's everyday and everything. Even having her young daughter finally move in with us a year ago didn't help - made it worse and the poor girl was so sweet when she arrived but has now also become a victim of her mother. If I man up and tell her straight that makes things much worse and it's impossible to talk maturely about things with her. If I play the nice guy then she relentlessly breaks me down until I'm so numb that what she has broken me into becomes a problem - if I see my point. "U don't love me!", "u don't do nothing for me!" - etc etc etc... Had a break last year and within 1 week she had like 10 guys phone numbers. I crumbled and begged her back and ever since its all the same. If I'm not getting bullied she is bullying her daughter. She will start making outlandish statements to me over anything - if I'm texting someone I'm ignoring her and cheating when I'm just txting my friends she knows. She txts friends all the time I say nothing. If I answer emails I'm chatting with other women - no it's work email. Won't let me go to the gym alone so I do it at home. We did go together before but she got jealous. Can't go cinema with my mates no more because that means I care about them more than her. I'm a terrible stepdad even though I brought her daughter to this country, my house, got her in school, food in table clothes on back. If I wash up everyday for 1 month and then don't for 1 day it means I am selfish and never wash up and don't care about her. Ocd cleaning to the point where I can't be bothered to shower incase I don't clean up to her standards. Family gatherings, so much tension before l, belittling me and when we are there giving me dirty looks all night and then causing massive arguements after because apparently I wasn't glued to her all night - chatting with mum and siblings. Why do I do this? Why do I do that? Everything said or done gets questioned. Every answer gets challenged and becomes a new issue to again be questioned. Never yes or no just a cluster of random irrational words/actions. She's J ealous to the point I've been isolated to almost hermit mode and scared to walk down the shop because I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Work from home but apparently I do nothing because I'm at home all day although she has no academic qualifications or proper job - I have a first class university degree and run my own business. Told I don't hug her yet when I go to she basically pushes me away or doesn't embrace it is I do. When she wakes up say good morning and brace myself for the first sly little comment which will slowly build throughout the day until I'm a shell of myself and then end up looking and acting like I don't love her because she has made me that way. Then that's when she has created a real problem and has good reason to berate me. Rinse and repeat!

If it's not me the topic of her daily warpath it is someone else. Someone in the street, someone online, someone in her family, someone did this, someone did that, negative, negative, negative - nobody to hit out at? Her daughter and myself become the perfect targets! The day people can't change - she's made me put up with some stuff I would never of dreamt of withstanding!

Sorry went into rant mode, not good at paragraphs when typing on the phone, will fix later just needed to vent! (See how I now naturally justify myself)!

[Grey Kitty]

Wow, that is a lot to put up with and rant about.

Do you want to fix the situation, or get out of it?

[50shades]

I want her to be "normal" and I am willing to keep waiting but it's really destroying my self worth, dignity, life, health, etc. It's been a 4 year wait and battle so I don't think she will ever change so I guess it's a matter of chosen between suffering and being with her or leaving and suffering from not being with her. I've been reading a lot and seems I may be codependent. To be honest I'm lost and confused all this drama has drove me quite mental unstable myself.

[Lifewriter16]

I hear you, 50shades.

I become mentally unstable whenever my BPDxbf and I get back together. The effects you are experiencing are not unusual at all for someone in a relationship with a person with BPD. I find that I start to re-stabilise as soon as we split up again but then I have to face my own pain, loss, boredom and lack of interest in life. I think I keep going back to avoid taking responsibility for my own experience of life.

Have you had chance to look at any of the articles on the website? There's some really good stuff there.

Lifewriter

[HurtinNW]

These relationships can be absolutely crazy-making 

You cannot make her change. What you see is what you get. This is her. You can decide if you want to stay involved, and use the tools here to try and improve the relationship. Or you can decide to detach. Or take some time to think about it. You have a lot of options.

I first came here and posted in detaching during one of my ex's many rage and break-ups. We recycled and I moved to improving the relationship. I read a lot, and really practiced using the tools. For a number of reasons it didn't work out with my ex. Other people here have had success using the tools.

Learn as much as you can about BPD/NPD and also learn as much as you can about yourself. I'm finding that is what helping me the most.

Can you take a separation from her to stabilize yourself? It is hard to get a handle on things when you are living in a storm of abuse, and that is what your situation sounds like.

Sending you tons of warmth and support   

[50shades]

I have started to go through the articles and it has initially helped me identify that I am codependent and she is Bpd so I think realising is a big first step.

She is threatening to leave everyday and I try to remain calm and let her carry on, I do start to get terrible feelings of impending doom when I see she is actually going to leave although I should be helping and encouraging her to go. The thought of losing her scares me but perhaps that is due to me being insecure of being alone after her being such a huge part of my life - not only that but being alone in the state she has made me - very down.

We did seperate last year and within a few weeks she had around 10 guys numbers on her phone and was exchanging dirty messages with them and normal messages. I panicked and fought for her back because I was so scared to lose her to someone else. Things were good for a few weeks and it has been drama since.

How she treats her daughter is a disgrace. She has been belittling and shooting me down everyday and I'm just tired 24/7, my mind is all over the place.

I will battle on but scared of losing her incase I realise that it's been my fault all along - that's what she's made me feel anyways. I try my best and then after getting shot down and hit with the drama constantly I do detach but whilst still together and this drives her more insane and my "empty" behaviour as I am detached then becomes the reason why she is insane and makes me out to be the bad one if you see my point. If she does not have a reason to feed her craziness she has to create one and more than likely by pinning it on me - act up and make me miserable, then get angry at me for being miserable. This is non stop. We are at the misery stage now where she is threatening to leave and even phoning around for houses, almost as a show. Even going mad at me because I should be looking for a place for her apparantly but then again I have always done everything for her. I'm literally a shell at the moment, between switching off completely and leaving her to do what she wants but also considering tryin to "wake up" and make her happy. The fact she will move straight onto other guys as she did last time is really making me worried, but maybe that's what is needed for me to be able to move on.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi 50shades,

I understand what it's like to lose yourself in a relationship, to degenerate into a shadow of your former self. However, you are clearly as worried for her daughter as you are for you. Is there anything that you can do to protect her whilst you are also working on yourself?

I will battle on but scared of losing her incase I realise that it's been my fault all along - that's what she's made me feel anyways. I try my best and then after getting shot down and hit with the drama constantly I do detach but whilst still together and this drives her more insane and my "empty" behaviour as I am detached then becomes the reason why she is insane and makes me out to be the bad one if you see my point.

I do get your point. Can you see how she's manipulating you here? People with BPD/NPD manipulate by encouraging us to feel guilty about our self-protective behaviours, create false obligations (e.g by playing needy) and instilling fear within us (like turning upon us when we don't respond how they want us to, being abusive, threatening to leave etc).

I read a book by M. Scott Peck, a spiritual man and psychiatrist. Something in there stuck with me. He was talking about the difference between people with personality disorders and people who are neurotic. He said that people with personality disorders take too little responsibility for their experiences in life whereas people who are neurotic take too much responsibility for their experiences. To me, codependency is a disorder of responsibility that evolves as a way of trying to control the uncontrollable things that happen/ed around us.  It's a disorder that has its origins in our own childhoods. It's a disorder because we can't control the uncontrollable in this or anyway, we can merely learn to set boundaries. But, before you learn to set boundaries, you would benefit from learning how to validate (help her to feel you are hearing her feelings) your gf using SET.

A couple of questions for you to ponder on:

What's the worst that could happen if you realised this was all your fault?

What's the worst that could happen if you realised that it wasn't all your fault?

I think you know deep down inside that you are making errors of judgement through ignorance and fear. Everyone here has done that. Not only that, but everyone makes mistakes in relationships. That is how we learn and how we heal. However, in a healthy relationships, those errors can be overcome without abuse or resorting to threats to leave. It sounds like you distrust your judgement.



A couple more questions for reflection:

Which specific things have you done that you think were wrong?

What specific things do you think indicate that you are codependent?

Sending you lots of hugs. This emotional work is very exhausting, but it needs to be done.

Lifewriter x

[Lucky Jim]

Hey 50shades, Why do you stay?  Presumably it's because, on some level, you think you deserve to be treated poorly due to your own issues w/codependency.  In my view, when a pwBPD finds a Codependent SO, it often creates a perfect storm from which it is tough to emerge unscathed.  The dynamic, though unhealthy,  is highly addictive after a while.  You seem to sense that your r/s has a toxic quality, yet you seem baffled by what to do about it.  Does this sound about right?

LuckyJim

[50shades]

Hey 50shades, Why do you stay?  Presumably it's because, on some level, you think you deserve to be treated poorly due to your own issues w/codependency.  In my view, when a pwBPD finds a Codependent SO, it often creates a perfect storm from which it is tough to emerge unscathed.  The dynamic, though unhealthy,  is highly addictive after a while.  You seem to sense that your r/s has a toxic quality, yet you seem baffled by what to do about it.  Does this sound about right?

LuckyJim

Yes, that is correct. I stay because I hope she will change and for the moments she is "normal". Also perhaps due to the fact I am attached and know no different, for me it is almost the norm now and perhaps my perception of how relationships are. I'm a nice guy by nature and I have been treated this way in all my relationships so perhaps it is my own fault for being a "walk over". I've experienced similar things with friends where I do everything for them but once I put up a barrier they magically disappear. The thing about this situation is I am completely stuck in it. Not in a financial sense but in an emotional sense. I'm so used to being emotionally abused I have come to accept it as a part of my life. Also, because I couldn't stand to see her with someone else. For her to take every last bit of life out of me and then move onto someone else would perhaps be worse than staying in this situation. It's a very difficult scenario for me and honestly is completly consumed my life. I can't do anything right according to her and I'm living on eggshells, I actually believe what she says is right now it has been absorbed into me over the years. I watched a YouTube video about codependency that said to observe not absorb. So I tried that the past few days and it made her start accusing me of not caring, not helping, being cold, etc.

Really difficult, see if I can pull through and thanks everyone for the advice - I'm new to this but take some comfort now that I actually know what it's all about and that I am not alone.

[50shades]

Most certainly I have tried to comfort her daughter and make her feel better but she has changed so much over the year she has been living with us. Her mother (my partner) is such a bully to her that it's affected the girls school, happiness, everything. I used to get involved and stick up for her daughter but then the hatred was placed on me and I became the victim of her bullying, thus I stopped getting involved. Everyday is a drama - how her daughter cleaned up is always wrong, how her facial expression is, how she eats, how she does her hair, her mother literally pulls her apart on everything and I say that with absolutely no exceptions. Not even praise for when she does something well. I have to consider if I want to have my own kids with someone who treats her own daughter that way.

I have only just really begun to see how the manipulation works. I notice when I don't fall for it that the situation can become even worse - so it's damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'm always wrong according to her and she's always right even if the hypocrisy is laughable - she doesn't see this.

I never ever tried to control her but she controls absolutely every minute of my life. I can't txt, go out, work, go to the gym or do many things I would like to because she will always find a criticism or accusation with no foundations. It's got to the point where I don't even want to take her anywhere because she will act up and then of course she doesn't like that I don't make plans to go anywhere. We have been on family holidays where she has packed her stuff midway through and threatened to leave. Every wedding we have been to she has caused a scene, including my mums. Every party ends in her verbally assaulting me. She would be jealous if I spoke for a few minutes with my cousin and the last party she gave me dirty looks all night when it was just my family there, it made me feel very uncomfortable. Before the party she kicked off a me for no reason which she always seems to do before we go out and I am not sure why but perhaps to bring me down and make me moody. Why are people so mean!

Regarding who's fault it is - probably both. Me for putting up with it and her for being that way. I don't like to lay blame or fault on anyone, for me it's so simple to get along with each other, you don't need therapy or a brain transplant to be nice surely. It's common sense as far as I am concerned. I was raised with manners and respect. Granted she has had a tough upbringing in a poorer country with little to no education and perhaps some abide along the way but now she has everything she seems hellbent on destroying it. It just does not add up. Unless I'm being used by someone who comes from a background with very little.

What do I think I have done wrong? Been too nice and not got rid of her right away whilst I could. This allowed me to fall into this depth of depression with her. I am extremely patient to the point of stupidity and almost feel like I have made myself a martyr to the cause. In the beginning I was stronger and would fight back but when I realised that made things worse and didn't change her I took the softy softy approach which again does not make a difference. I honestly don't think it mattered if I didn't do anything wrong, she would find something. I fact that's part of the problem - even the things I do right go unoticed or somehow changed into something bad. This is evident when u consider how she treats her daughter - who cannot do anything right. Random example would be telling her daughter to clean up, so her daughter would wake up and take the brush to clean which would lead to her mum saying why are u cleaning now and u can't clean properly anyway. Whereas if she did not take the brush to clean in the first place she would have been told off for not doing it. That's a small example but you can literally apply that to everything in life, absolutely everything. Why this, why that, do that, no do this, u did that. Controlling to the extreme, a perfected form of mental torture that I suffer and for what - for more.

I must be as crazy as she is to put up with it to be honest. I think this is how relationships are now and would probably not get on with someone normal which is sad because the last thing I want is to become like her. Although of this does finally come to an end I think I need to be alone and look at the root cause of why I put up with it. I would like to say though that it doesn't matter completelt what my root cause is in terms of a relationship because of the other person is that crazy for want of a better word then it would not make a world of difference what i do. The only advantage being I would not put up with it so long.

[Grey Kitty]

I must be as crazy as she is to put up with it to be honest. I think this is how relationships are now and would probably not get on with someone normal which is sad because the last thing I want is to become like her.

Hey... .I know this seems really dark and really impossible and hopeless. And I won't lie to you--salvaging this relationship will be very hard work on your part, and may not succeed.

But I do want to include a message of hope about staying and doing that exact hard work.

The work you will do is mostly on yourself. Pretty much why did you let her do this to you... .and how to stop letting her do it to you. I've been there. I've been verbally and emotionally abused. I've been isolated. I've begun doubting my view of reality and starting to wonder if the crazy-making things my wife was saying were actually true.

And I learned how to turn it around. I reclaimed my sense of self-worth. I got to the point where I believed that my sanity and my self-worth was more important than my marriage. I risked my marriage by standing up for myself. It was HARD. My marriage survived that test, though.

Much of the work I did was a few years back on "Improving" board right here.

If I hadn't learned those lessons here, and tested myself in a trial by fire, I would have had them waiting for me at the end of my marriage, and probably found another relationship where I would get the same treatment. There are quite a few members who only learned those lessons after.

There's no way to know if your relationship will survive the transition or not... .but I know you will be stronger for it however that turns out.

I just saw a topic elsewhere about the same issue--losing yourself in a relationship here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=292373.msg12750253#msg12750253

[50shades]

From my research this far, the general consensus seems to be that these Bpd partners cannot and will not change. It seems like whatever is codependants do is never ever enough and I can speak from that first hand having tried every approach imaginable, other than leaving and sticking to it. Considering she is almost 30 and has such trauma from her past I personally don't believe she will change. The only thing that seems a viable solution is me putting up with her and learning to manage the pain and emotional abuse. Sometimes I think just ending my life is the only way to get out of this it has become so nauseating.

When u say how I let her do this to me, my explanation would be that at the start of he relationship I wouldn't let her and was standing up for myself always, this just made her even worse so I decided to adjust to stop making her worse which was by fulfilling her needs. In turn that is what caused the codependency and her behaviour to not change. This what I am saying is that whatever approach I have/could take does not make any difference. I don't think you can satisfy someone with such Bpd and only make yourself depressed or like them in the process of attempting to do so.

[Grey Kitty]

From my research this far, the general consensus seems to be that these Bpd partners cannot and will not change.

My experience, and my observations of others' experiences here do not agree 100%.

First off, a pwBPD will not achieve a miraculous cure overnight. That much I agree completely.

Second, if you are experiencing abusive behavior from the pwBPD in your life, you can stop this dead in its tracks with effective boundary enforcement. I've seen a lot of people do this (myself included), and once you 'get it' you can make this change in days or weeks. (The pwBPD may still start behaving abusively toward you, but you protect yourself so effectively with boundaries that it is almost as if the attempts aren't there... .and after months of this, the pwBPD will likely stop trying)

That said, other behaviors associated with BPD aren't likely to change--she will still be triggered easily, she just will give up on the solution of taking things out on you when she is triggered. She probably won't be functioning any better than before (some pwBPD are higher functioning others are lower).

Third, it is possible to have a more deep healing and recovery from BPD. This takes a LOT of work on the part of the pwBPD, probably DBT or other effective therapy, support from you, and generally years. This is rare, but does happen.

And back to "almost" agreeing with you... .for you to make anything work going forward, you have to start by accepting your partner exactly as she is today, and accept that not much of it will change.

The only thing that seems a viable solution is me putting up with her and learning to manage the pain and emotional abuse. [... .] at the start of he relationship I wouldn't let her and was standing up for myself always, this just made her even worse so I decided to adjust to stop making her worse which was by fulfilling her needs.

And this is where the tools and lessons here come in. There are two natural reactions to this kind of abuse: Fight back to "beat it" or give in to "make her happy". You started fighting early on, and that clearly didn't work. You've tried giving in... .and the result is you questioning whether it is worth living or not. That isn't working either. Fortunately, there is a third way.

You can enforce boundaries to protect yourself from the attacks, rages, criticism, more subtle emotional abuse; all of it. This lesson is a good place to start.

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

If you want help applying it to a specific situation, describe it.

[Lucky Jim]

There are two natural reactions to this kind of abuse: Fight back to "beat it" or give in to "make her happy". You started fighting early on, and that clearly didn't work. You've tried giving in... .and the result is you questioning whether it is worth living or not. That isn't working either. Fortunately, there is a third way.

Hey 50shades, I would also suggest that there's a fourth way: disengagement.  Don't buy into what she says about you.  Don't engage in angry exchanges with her.  Don't play her game.  Don't participate in the drama.  You get the idea.

I was once in your shoes, 50shades.  To paraphrase Dante, I was lost in a dark wood with no clear path out.  I even lost myself for a while there, which was a terrifying experience and not fun.  Yet I'm here to confirm that you can emerge from the BPD swamp.  It won't happen overnight; instead, it's a step by step thing.

LuckyJim

[Grey Kitty]

For me, not engaging in circular arguments or angry exchanges is one of the boundaries I chose to enforce, so this was part of my middle path.

a fourth way: disengagement.  Don't buy into what she says about you.  Don't engage in angry exchanges with her.  Don't play her game.  Don't participate in the drama.  You get the idea.

Whatever you call it, this is excellent!