Should I be on this board?

[cherryblossom]

I confess im having bad day - i had good chunk of time (for me) 2 weeks of feeling detached but think the holidays have crept the sadness up onto me - plus watched great gatsby last night with friend bad decision and period due so perhaps over reacting. I just think mayb i shouldnt b on this board cos its doing me no good - he has not contacted me since 6th march and i keep wondering what to say, hoping he'l come to me saying he's sorry etc

But what about me?I'm in tears now - I think I just need to move on - forget he got in touch and forget the money owed. I'm really angry and sad - it just feels so wrong what he's doing - i know he can't help it - but I'm here now - the obssessing gently creeping in about what he's doing, will he come back - I do much better when I think of it as over and he is not in my head- im thinking today i must have done something terrible in a past life to b tortured like this

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[cherryblossom]

Im really fighting the urge to send a message saying - the way u ended things and r treating me now makes me feel like u totally used me and I meant absolutely nothing to you ----what would b wrong with sending that if that's how I feel?

[Grey Kitty]

cherryblossom, your feelings are 100% valid. 

They also sound really difficult.   

Im really fighting the urge to send a message saying - the way u ended things and r treating me now makes me feel like u totally used me and I meant absolutely nothing to you ----what would b wrong with sending that if that's how I feel?

I don't think the question is whether it is "right" or "wrong" to send that message.

The question I ask myself at a time like this is "What good will come of this?"

Imagine what he would do if he received the message.

Do you think he would be apologetic, loving, and caring in response?

Or do you think he would feel attacked, invalidated, and either lash out or disappear in response?

[cherryblossom]

Thanks gk i hear what ur sayibg -the way i feel now - he is behaving in the latter way anyway- so at least id be speaking my truth. If he's going to ignore me etc... .at least i could get my feelings accross - regardless of outcome and perhaps decide to draw a line under it once and for all

[cherryblossom]

Or mayb adapt it a bit and say im sorry if ur silence means u r feeling stressed about our relationship but this silence and the way things ended have caused me a lot of pain and not communicating makes me feel really bad is there no way we can meet in middle and try and put things on a better note? I know L n L gave me advice of a text which would hav no narrative just simply when ur ready to reach out i will b hear to listen -----but

[cherryblossom]

I feel like i need to say more for my own self preservation - i will sit on this and not act but just using this board for venting and advice thanks

[cherryblossom]

I just worry that if i send a message such as l n l suggested... .that he wont reply and i'll feel enraged- what will i do with that anger? I guess it would further motivate me to move on and let go -i guess alternatively it could create better outcome? I just think he will find it patronising - l n l suggested i send "when ur ready to reach out - i'll b here to listen"

[Grey Kitty]

At a time like this, it is good to write out what you feel, and what you want to say to him... .and generally not send it.

After you've done that, think about what you want him to do... .and think about whether anything you send him makes that outcome more likely... .

l n l suggested i send "when ur ready to reach out - i'll b here to listen"

I'd agree that saying something like that sounds pretty reasonable if you want him to reach out to you in a positive way. He still might not... .but I'm pretty sure he'd react better than to the previous ideas you mentioned.

I feel like i need to say more for my own self preservation

I'm really curious about this idea. What do you mean?

[cherryblossom]

It's the mood im in gk. I'm feeling why should I be so reasonable when he has been unreasonable? It's my anger I think. Logically I know I have to be caretaker but finding it hard atm.

Also thanks gk for ur continuing input - ive taken some things uv said the wrong way before but this part of my life is painful, confusing and stressful, sorry

[Grey Kitty]

Hey, no hard feelings were intended--I'm trying to help, with the best I understand things... .and believe me there are a bunch of things I've NOT understood correctly, and just plain stupid things I've done too... .both here on these forums and in real life!

Anyhow, I get that he's been so unreasonable... .and that you don't particularly want to be reasonable in response.

There isn't anything wrong or inappropriate about that feeling or that mood. I've felt things like that myself. Please don't try to talk yourself out of those feelings. That only makes a bigger mess of your feelings!

I'm not sure I'd say you need to be the caretaker--If you are still broken up, you've quit that job anyways. Meanwhile, yes, I am trying to talk you down from stuff that I don't think has much chance of a good outcome. Here is one of my favorite sayings that might inspire you:

Don't let them take the fight down to their level. They'll fight you down there, and beat you with experience!

[cherryblossom]

Yes thank you you're right we have broken up and there is no sign of willingness to repair or change from his perspective - i don't understand how i get into these modes where it feels like I'm still with him and I still feel tied to him. I feel anxious today - the same way I used to feel with him a lot it is not a nice feeling and not sure how Im feeling it -as not with him anymore- guess I just started missing him as it's a holiday period. I dont know if care taker is what I meant but more the one who has to take the moral high ground in this scenario. I guess it would feel bit better if he at least showed some sort of remorse that was not self indulgent pitying. Thanks for that quote ☺ hope i get back to detachment again soon

[cherryblossom]

 im struggling to accept we are over once and for all - i dont understand why its so hard?

[Grey Kitty]

  I see you struggling.

Your feelings are real. It is hard. It hurts.

Expecting it to be easier than it feels isn't going to change those feelings. 

[cherryblossom]

Gk ive sent him a text that he will feel bad about but its because i found out he is seeing someone - how else could i have responded tho? He has totally mugged me right off - u r probably disappointed with me - how am i going to get my money? Logically i know why hes seeing someone but i reacted instantly and sent the text i didnt even want to use my wise mind - how can anyone use it in that scenario - its low behaviour and im on the wrong board arnt i surely as he has left me and now gone onto do this i feel such a fool

[Grey Kitty]

Nope, I'm not disappointed in you. Are you disappointed in yourself?

How are you going to get the money? I don't know... .there is a good chance you aren't going to get it. If you are really done with this guy, I don't know that it is even worth the effort--Trying to get him to pay up will keep you engaged, and the amount involved seems way too small to be worth involving lawyers or anything of the sort to force him to pay you back.