Hello and I don't really know where or when to begin

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

30 year relationship with BPD wife.  I am co-dependent and working on it with my therapist.  3 kids, a house the whole deal.  Heading to divorce.  I am ruined all around - emotionally, financially, spiritually.  I know I should post more detail but I don't have the strength.  I just need some insight and support... .

[JS66]

Hello,

30 year relationship with BPD wife.  I am co-dependent and working on it with my therapist.  3 kids, a house the whole deal.  Heading to divorce.  I am ruined all around - emotionally, financially, spiritually.  I know I should post more detail but I don't have the strength.  I just need some insight and support... .

[heartandwhole]

Hi JS66,

Welcome to bpdfamily.    I'm very sorry to hear about your impending divorce. What a difficult step to take after 30 years together. My heart goes out to you. 

I'm so glad that you decided to write, even if you can't go into the whole story right now. That is very understandable, and I hope you'll take all the time you need to get to know the site and our members so that you'll feel comfortable and ready to share. I know I'd also feel absolutely exhausted and ruined in your position. After my breakup with pwBPD, I felt so broken, so devastated and empty—and that was from a very short relationship.

When you are ready, let us know a little about your situation. How old are your kids? Do you have friends and family you can lean on during this upheaval? I'm glad to hear that you are seeing a therapist. That helped me tremendously after my breakup.

Keep writing as you can, JS66. The members here have had similar experiences. There is a lot of hope for things to get better—they did for me and they can for you, too. We are here to listen and support you. 

heartandwhole 

[JS66]

Thank you heartandwhole.  I will try  to get more details in the next day or so.  Suffice it to say, everything is pretty messed up in my head right now so I'm trying to gather my wits and be coherent.

[Tobiasfunke]

Welcome to the club. I was together with mine for 20 years. All the recycles I thought were just ups and downs. Then one day painted black devalued and discarded. Whether you are leaving or you are asked to leave it is still devastating to know you have lost your soulmate best friend and the person you were going to spend forever with. Keep your head up there are really great people on here to help you out. They definitely helped me.

[JS66]

You hit the nail RIGHT on the head tobias!  it does help to know others have gone through this.  I feel so alone and desperate but this is helping.  Here goes;

got the official diagnosis last year but have been living with it for years - mental/physical/financial issues- I'm sure you all know what I mean. My wife was taken away at that time by police and admitted to a psych hospital after some physical abuse to my oldest son (19). AS it happen, I was away on a business trip when it happen so that added to the stress. My kids , 12,14,19 are all confused and hurt and so am I. Mostly I'm scared. She's been sectioned twice more after that for attempting suicide and gone voluntarily once.   She has a psychiatrist and has gone through a couple of therapist.  Splits me black constantly.  Last week she told me she isn't in love with me anymore and wanted a divorce.  As I mentioned I've been working on my codependency for about 8 months with my own therapist.  Rather then coddle her and say everything will be OK, I agreed and held fast.  She blamed  her current therapist for encouraging her to say she wanted a divorece but I wouldn't hear it. this escalated and man oh man did she start with the the emotional abuse! i couldn't take it and i blew up. THIS LED TO A PUNCH IN my FACE.  I saw my therapist right after and he advised to seek a lawyer. I did and now there's a restraining order and divorce is imminent.  I'm sure I missed a bunch of details as I'm reeling from all of this.   If any of you have advice or ANYTHINHG to help me I'd sure appreciate it. Mostly just needing to vent since I don't really have anyone to turn to.

[Mutt]

Hi JS66,



Wow, that's a lot. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I can see how it would be emotionally draining. It helps to talk.

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men

Are you starting the divorce proceedings with custody agreements?

[JS66]

Thank you for the welcome.  Right now there's a restraining order and I need to go to court on Friday to affirm it.  I'm going to see her there and I'm pretty nervous about it. I'm nervous because I feel so badly about what I'm doing.  My head tells me that it's the right thing to do but everything else screams that I'm deserting her.  I know it's the codependent, but damn it, I can't shake it.  I just want to ... .I don;t know .  I feel lost.  As tobias said (I don't know how to use the quote option) " you have lost your soulmate best friend and the person you were going to spend forever with" and it's devastating. The whole working with my feelings thing is difficult.  I'm looking at the sidebar >  and it all makes sense but at the same time I just want to run away. 

[JS66]

Been doing a bit of reading.  As a codependent enabler I am now feeling a tremendous amount of guilt and blame.  Some of this is my fault and I'm regretting the restraining order and the thought of divorce.  I keep vacillatiing and it's tearing my mind apart.  Am I wrong am I right... .Jesus this is the worst

[WoundedBibi]

Been doing a bit of reading.  As a codependent enabler I am now feeling a tremendous amount of guilt and blame.  Some of this is my fault and I'm regretting the restraining order and the thought of divorce.  I keep vacillatiing and it's tearing my mind apart.  Am I wrong am I right... .Jesus this is the worst

We are human. We all mistakes. So you made mistakes in the relationship. With another partner, one without BPD, you would have made mistakes too.

The restraining order, the divorce, you are doing what you need to do to protect your sanity, your safety and most importantly IMO those of your children...

NOTHING you do or say will take away her BPD. If you continue in a relationship with her, she will keep on doing what she has done, you will turn into a nervous wreck even more than you have already, you might end up losing your home and your children will be more damaged than they are already. NOT divorcing her, NOT going through with the restraining order will make things worse. EVERYBODY will loose. By doing what you have decided to do you can control and hopefully reverse the damage done to you and your children. You cannot save her. Save your children. Save yourself.

[JS66]

Thank you Bibi.  I appreciate the support very much. 

I learned that  she has been sectioned again.  My head tells me this has to be it, it has to end.  But my damned heart is screaming that I just can't abandon her.  That's one of the greatest fears for pwBPD and I'll just be making it worse and I read everywhere that you shouldn't make things worse.  I also read about protecting myself and my kids.  So much contradictory info - My head is literally a whirlwind and the confusion is crippling. 

[JS66]

I haven't hear from her or seen her since the restraining order was served.  I know it's the right thing to do but I'm a nervous wreck... .I still care about this woman and I feel crazy.  How do those that have gone through this cope?  Please any advice is appreciated.

[LilMe]

  JS66,

I am sorry you are going through this!  I was 20 years married to my first BPD (6 children) and 10 with my second BPD (3 children).  I have been out 1 week.  I have been out emotionally much longer.  The thing that really helped me was to stop thinking about myself or my BPD and focus on my children.  They did not choose us as parents; they did not choose this life!  I am the one person who understands this and can do something about it.  When I start feeling sad or lonely or worried, I focus on the children and it brings me back to the reality of the situation.  My children need me to be the adult and make things better for them.  Several of my children are grown and have problems as a result of these BPD relationships.  I refuse to let any more damage be done to the children!

It is a hard road, but there is light at the end of the tunnel!  Little by little, the bad times and feelings decrease and good times will increase.  My hope is that eventually life will be mostly good times with my children and I.  Do you have friend and extended family support?  It really helps!  Do not be afraid of letting loved ones know what you are dealing with.  If they care about you and your wife and the children, they will be supportive.  The children need support other than you too!  I try to have other trusted adults available if the children feel like they need to talk or hang out.  I cannot be their only support person. 

I know you are doing the right thing.  One of the biggest mistakes I made was not going through with a protection order against my BPD.  He manipulated his way right out of it and took advantage of my fear of court (a big part of this story) and hired a fancy lawyer when he knew I had none.  It allowed him to continue to threaten and manipulate me.  You can always cancel the protection order at any time in the future, but it will not be so easy to get another if you need it and have backed out of this one.  I encourage you to move forward legally in order to protect yourself, your children, and even your wife.  Sometimes we need help setting and enforcing boundaries.  That is what court orders are for.

Stay strong!  Post here when you need to, there are many amazing people here who have been through similar situations.  Keep us posted on how you are doing!

[khibomsis]

JS66,  I feel for you and what you are going through. Even a bad relationship ending is like a little death, and I can see you still feel a lot of love - as well as a sense of responsibility - for your wife. She is very lucky! Still, I want to say a word from the children's point of view. Growing up I used to pray that my parents get divorced. Every day. Up to today, the best I can achieve towards my uNBPD mother is not compassion but a sort of indifferent weariness. i can manage not to hate her. What hurts is not the after-effects of growing  up with  NBPD mom, it is not even the chronic anxiety and PTSD, or the periodic deep depressions which render me unable to work at a job that I love and fought really hard to get. It is that she will not change. She triggers my childhood traumas every time. It makes it almost impossible to move on.  What  I need is for it to stop. One day she will die and I will feel simple relief. You will see others like me on this board. 

For me the factor which made the difference between surviving and not was my father. For all his enabling co-dependency in choosing to stay with her and expose us to the rages, he role-modelled a love to us which was not BPD. He encouraged my individuation, supported me through good times and bad, and he listened. Without him I would not be who I am today.

What I am saying is that you are your kids' best chance for a healthy life. Whatever it takes for you to hold it together is what you must do. It is terrible about your wife but right now you have to put you first. You will not heal while you are taking care of her.

You will come back from this. We are here for you.  , khib

[JS66]

Thank you!  reading you post made me cry because it hit so close to home.  Literally that is my life and I'm so glad you shared yours.  it's given me a push that I needed.  I do love her still, and that is what hurts so badly; the tear in my heart having to choose between the things that mean the absolute most to me in the world.  Damn the disorder to hell.

Having heard you say that you prayed that your parents would divorce, did they?  I'm assuming not given some of the things you've said.  If they did was it better for you?  Did you live with your dad?  How were visits to your mom?

[khibomsis]

JS66, I am sorry I made you cry! I can only hope the tears were healing.

No, they didn't divorce. It almost killed my father. Heck, it almost killed us, my two brothers became drug addicts - one still is on legal drugs - and I spent over a decade in therapy. Now in our forties and fifties we kinda sorta recovering. If this is hell for you, think carefully about what your children may be going  through. I understand why my father stayed, he did not want to leave us alone with her and is the kind of man who takes his responsibilities seriously. But if they had divorced we would have had slices of time away from her. It would helped for us to be able to get away now and then, even more to be able to see a life modelled without BPD. Instead we grew up internalizing BPD as the norm.   

How are your children taking it? Are they getting any kind of counselling to help them cope? Although at the end of the day you are the adult and have to make all the tough choices, at least they are of an age where   they can advise about their preferences.

I hope you are managing to get some rest and practicing  self-care in the midst of chaos. . khib

[JS66]

I'm not sure what they were tears of. I really am unsure of my emotions right now.  My kids are all in therapy.  they want the divorce, here's the thing, rumination has caused me ALL kinds of regret.  I truly do love this woman.  I know that if I stop things and try to reconcile that if it all reverts I'm going to do them more damamge it's just ripping me up.  As I said before, this is tearing my apart.  the fact that I have to choose between the 2 thing I care the most about in the world.  I know I'm the adult and I'm the one that has to make the hard choices but, damn it, it's killing me.  How am I supposed to do this? 

[semantics]

You can reverse a court action. You can reverse a divorce somewhat, by reconnecting in better health and maturity and maybe even remarrying that person.

But you cannot reverse any abuse committed upon your children. Even if none of them were directly targeted, your BPD spouse's abuse of you had direct abusive impact on them. As a parent myself that actually makes me cry to write it. It's one of the deepest reasons I broke up with my BPD partner. I could not live with the likelihood that either or both of our children would be traumatized by how he treated me -- and I couldn't bear at ALL the possibility that he might ever even once turn his wrath or unpredictability toward my daughter.

I'm sorry you're having to think about these things; I know it all hurts. It sounds like your children are your own, from previous relationship? Either way, if you have several children who are all asking you to go through with divorce, I first commend your children for being brave enough to say that to you -- I wasn't, in childhood, and suffered for it. Secondly I sympathize; I loved my BPD partner with all I had and I've never loved any man so deeply and so much. My daughter resented him from the earliest and by the end she'd grown to hate him.

We owe it to our kids to make them utterly safe, as safe as possible. If it is any consolation, the court actions may serve as an emotional wake up call to your spouse, to participate in treatment -- and the courts may stipulate that she does it or face whatever legal consequences. At the very least you can likely persuade courts to order her to psychological evaluation and treatment, as well as anger management training.

If you have EMDR therapy available where you are, that really helped me with PTSD from this relationship. It touched on triggers from early childhood and set those I think permanently at rest. I mention it because it may be good supplementary therapy for your children, and for you -- and I don't know this from anything but if your spouse's reactivity is based in early trauma (maybe you don't know about or maybe she doesn't even remember), I want to say I hope it could be of help for her too. Just to get a little peace in her brain, finally.

I know you love her and that this is terribly hard for you. But you have really done the right thing, both as a father and as her husband. Your actions are protecting your kids and preventing repeated abuse, at least for now.

I had to file for emergency custody the year after my daughter's dad divorced me, because of his psychiatric issues. I represented myself successfully against the most aggressive attorney in the county and I did not take the approach you'll see on the forms. I wrote in my own terms and defended them: I wanted my ex to take responsibility and retain his parenting time, if he could, and with a clinician's sign off that he was safe for our child. I'll spare you the long story but just want you to know that although it was not easy or simple, it turned out to be ok, and has been ok now for almost six years.

If you are a prayerful type, hold fast to God through all of this. I'll pray for you and your family. Remember to breathe, and take it one day at a time.

[khibomsis]

JS66, I can only echo what semantics said. You chose this marriage. Your kids didn't. Please give them a choice! They sound like great kids, open and communicative. It is good of you to ensure they are in therapy so they can get the support they need through this. Just please don't make it harder for them than it is? It won't be for long, in a few years they will be grown up and on their own, and you will have your life back. Right now you are all they've got. You will feel better in later years knowing that you did the right thing now.

I wanted to tell you that I ran away from home when I was 16, brought myself up and endured all the dangers that come from being young and foolish with abusive and/or neglectful parents, including dating a pimp and being raped twice. But in all the years since then (I'm 53 now) and regardless of what happened, I never once regretted that decision. That is how bad it was to live with my uNBPD mom. Just a child's perspective... .

I pray for you and hope all will go well. You will get through this.  , khib

[JS66]

Thank you all, sincerely.  A bit of an update, I've found out that she has gotten a lawyer and is filing the divorce papers.  Not sure how, as I am the sole breadwinner - i'm sure I'll end up footing that bill too.  I also reconnected with a cousin I hadn't really spoken to since my mom passed a few years back.  His advice mirrored what you all have been telling me, worry about the kids, myself and my job.  Made sense, a lot of sense as did all of your advice. Still, my emotions were running pretty high.  I did tell my kids and I was pretty upset because as you know I really do love this woman.  My middle son gave me a kick in the a$$ by saying ":)ad, you just have to accept it."  Sage advice from my little man.  It doesn't erase my feelings but if he can be strong and face reality like that, I have to too.  In all, I am in the worst place I have ever been in my life but it will get better, It'll be hard, it'll be very hard but I have to go through it to get through it; and if that means accepting that who I thought would be my mate for the rest of my life, really doesn't care for me then I have to "just accept it",  Accept and adjust will be my mantra going forward for a little while.  I hope that things will get better.  I guess I can see a candle flickering in the distance but right now it's pretty dark where I am.  My ruminations are something that I am having difficulty with - I'll never hold her hand again, I'l  never be able to share successes and failures, the memories of good times have seemed to displace the bad things right now.  I'm trying to remind myself of the hellish times but for some reason they don't seem as powerful right now.

[WoundedBibi]

Some people make a list of the abusive things that were said or done to be able to read when the memories of the good times become too strong.

[khibomsis]

Hey, JS66, somewhere in all of this you guys managed to raise amazing children. Indeed, BPD is what it is.Like an earthquake it is not something you can do anything about, except endure. I understand your stb ex is in treatment, so from here on out it is up to her. Likewise you are the only person who can help you heal.

Of course you are going to mourn. Give yourself time to grieve, it honours the love you shared. If BPD people  were wholly evil there would be nobody on this board. It is their human side which throws us every time. My hardest times are when the memory of my uNBPD mom cooking  a meal or showing me how to garden crops up. It is like toasting over a slow fire.

You will find the strength you need. Ask and you shall be answered. I hope you are paying attention to things like eating properly and exercising? You are going to grieve whether you want to or not. You might as well be doing that while going for a run.  , khib

[JS66]

Going to court tomorrow.  She filed an order of separate support.  Wants family counseling, wants to try and salavge this relationship... .I'm scared outta my mind... .

[khibomsis]

You do right to be scared, JS66, BPD is a frightening disease. I advise you to pray every time you feel the fear coming on. Take a deep breath and hand the fear over to Someone who is big enough to handle it. Will be there praying right along with you...   , khib

[JS66]

Thank you khibomisis.  I appreciate your prayers! It went as expected, i foolishly lifted the order of contact between her and I.  Emotional blackmail ensues... .I'm trying to gray rock as much as I can but damn,i wish i was stronger.

[khibomsis]

JS, we are never given a burden to heavy for us to bear. Hang on in there! The toughest time is always those first few steps of policing boundaries because we tend to start from the absolute rock bottom. Our loved ones are not used to us setting them,much less policing, so they react very badly. Keep at it, it will get easier with time.  Plus I find that boundaries is one sure way of making BPD's evaporate from our lives. Nothing moves them on as effectively. I hope in your leisure moments you are studying the lessons to the right here. They really do help.

I personally think you acted wisely in lifting the no contact, you people have children together which makes total NC almost impossible. When you feel weak we are here for you.  , khib