Ex BPD and stealing?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Has anyone had trouble with an ex BPD not returning your items? I had leased a phone for my BPD while we together and she dumped me 3 months ago for my replacement (not really dumped as she never communicated it with me, she just blocked my number (on the phone im paying for) and blocked me on social media). Few weeks after this I got her to come pick up her stuff but she hasn't returned the phone. Ever since the break up she acknowledges that the phone does not belong to her and she kept saying she wanted to return it but has always had an Excuse as to why she cant. Most recently it got to a point where I had to threaten to use legal action but that doesn't even phase her. Why would she keep the phone when she worked at a cell phone store at the time (even bragged that she didn't need the phone and how easy it would be for her to get a new one) and she had a loving bf that I'm sure wouldn't mind buying her a prepaid at least till she could get another iphone. Anyone else have similar problem? I should also mention that now she doesn't even use the phone (so I'm assuming she got a new one)  but she still hasn't sent the phone in the mail like she said she would (she suggested sending it by mail as she didnt want to see me in person because I was disrespectful to her during the relationship Lol which I'm sure is more projection than anything)

[SoMadSoSad]

Has anyone had trouble with an ex BPD not returning your items? I had leased a phone for my BPD while we together and she dumped me 3 months ago for my replacement (not really dumped as she never communicated it with me, she just blocked my number (on the phone im paying for) and blocked me on social media). Few weeks after this I got her to come pick up her stuff but she hasn't returned the phone. Ever since the break up she acknowledges that the phone does not belong to her and she kept saying she wanted to return it but has always had an Excuse as to why she cant. Most recently it got to a point where I had to threaten to use legal action but that doesn't even phase her. Why would she keep the phone when she worked at a cell phone store at the time (even bragged that she didn't need the phone and how easy it would be for her to get a new one) and she had a loving bf that I'm sure wouldn't mind buying her a prepaid at least till she could get another iphone. Anyone else have similar problem? I should also mention that now she doesn't even use the phone (so I'm assuming she got a new one)  but she still hasn't sent the phone in the mail like she said she would (she suggested sending it by mail as she didnt want to see me in person because I was disrespectful to her during the relationship Lol which I'm sure is more projection than anything)

[blackbirdsong]

Has anyone had trouble with an ex BPD not returning your items? I had leased a phone for my BPD while we together and she dumped me 3 months ago for my replacement (not really dumped as she never communicated it with me, she just blocked my number (on the phone im paying for) and blocked me on social media). Few weeks after this I got her to come pick up her stuff but she hasn't returned the phone. Ever since the break up she acknowledges that the phone does not belong to her and she kept saying she wanted to return it but has always had an Excuse as to why she cant. Most recently it got to a point where I had to threaten to use legal action but that doesn't even phase her. Why would she keep the phone when she worked at a cell phone store at the time (even bragged that she didn't need the phone and how easy it would be for her to get a new one) and she had a loving bf that I'm sure wouldn't mind buying her a prepaid at least till she could get another iphone. Anyone else have similar problem? I should also mention that now she doesn't even use the phone (so I'm assuming she got a new one)  but she still hasn't sent the phone in the mail like she said she would (she suggested sending it by mail as she didnt want to see me in person because I was disrespectful to her during the relationship Lol which I'm sure is more projection than anything)

She doesn't need that phone. But this phone is a connection to you. Additional reason why she can send you a message when she wants validation or something else.

[WoundedBibi]

Thank goodness, no, no experience there.

But as to why she won't return it, all pwBPD are different, so it's pure speculation. It could be:

- why buy a cow if you have free milk (then again apparently she has found a new source of milk)

- too much effort to buy a new one (then again, see above)

- too much effort to send it back to you

- to taunt you

- to feel some kind of connection with you

- as a trophy

- to have a hold on you

- to have an excuse to come back to you when it doesn't work out with the replacement.

But as I said, it's speculation. You'll never know why. If you ask the question, would she know herself and would her answer be truthful? Probably no to either or both.

The question is, what is stopping you from taking that legal action?

[SoMadSoSad]

Thank goodness, no, no experience there.

But as to why she won't return it, all pwBPD are different, so it's pure speculation. It could be:

- why buy a cow if you have free milk (then again apparently she has found a new source of milk)

- too much effort to buy a new one (then again, see above)

- too much effort to send it back to you

- to taunt you

- to feel some kind of connection with you

- as a trophy

- to have a hold on you

- to have an excuse to come back to you when it doesn't work out with the replacement.

But as I said, it's speculation. You'll never know why. If you ask the question, would she know herself and would her answer be truthful? Probably no to either or both.

The question is, what is stopping you from taking that legal action?

The reason I don't take legal action is because at the same time I feel bad for her. She has been through a lot in her childhood, more than most of the BPD stories I've seen on this site.

[lunchbox123]

My exBPDgf did something very similar when it ended. First she refused to leave our apartment after I had moved out, 4 months later I found her a place to live and she finally left. Then she made excuses when returning my property. That included a phone I had given her that she was no longer using.

She would always have some BS reason to not give something back, in total took about 6 months till everything was returned.

I believe she did it to keep a connection, she knew I would stay in contact because I wanted it back. I also think she got comfort in having this that are mine, makes her feel like a little part of me is with her.

[WoundedBibi]

Thank goodness, no, no experience there.

But as to why she won't return it, all pwBPD are different, so it's pure speculation. It could be:

- why buy a cow if you have free milk (then again apparently she has found a new source of milk)

- too much effort to buy a new one (then again, see above)

- too much effort to send it back to you

- to taunt you

- to feel some kind of connection with you

- as a trophy

- to have a hold on you

- to have an excuse to come back to you when it doesn't work out with the replacement.

But as I said, it's speculation. You'll never know why. If you ask the question, would she know herself and would her answer be truthful? Probably no to either or both.

The question is, what is stopping you from taking that legal action?

The reason I don't take legal action is because at the same time I feel bad for her. She has been through a lot in her childhood, more than most of the BPD stories I've seen on this site.

Most of us have not disclosed the childhoods of our ex SO in detail, that is not what this board is for after all. With a pwBPD there is usually a difficult childhood to say the least but also usually one at some point asks oneself which of any of the stories is actually true.

But whether or not your ex has had an awful childhood, you're letting her get away with stealing because you feel sorry for her. What good would that do for you or her?

[SoMadSoSad]

Thank goodness, no, no experience there.

But as to why she won't return it, all pwBPD are different, so it's pure speculation. It could be:

- why buy a cow if you have free milk (then again apparently she has found a new source of milk)

- too much effort to buy a new one (then again, see above)

- too much effort to send it back to you

- to taunt you

- to feel some kind of connection with you

- as a trophy

- to have a hold on you

- to have an excuse to come back to you when it doesn't work out with the replacement.

But as I said, it's speculation. You'll never know why. If you ask the question, would she know herself and would her answer be truthful? Probably no to either or both.

The question is, what is stopping you from taking that legal action?

The reason I don't take legal action is because at the same time I feel bad for her. She has been through a lot in her childhood, more than most of the BPD stories I've seen on this site.

Most of us have not disclosed the childhoods of our ex SO in detail, that is not what this board is for after all. With a pwBPD there is usually a difficult childhood to say the least but also usually one at some point asks oneself which of any of the stories is actually true.

But whether or not your ex has had an awful childhood, you're letting her get away with stealing because you feel sorry for her. What good would that do for you or her?

I don't want to hurt her more than she has already been hurting. I want to do the opposite and get her help. I don't really think she is in control of her actions sometimes just victim to her emotions. In from the USA where we do not persecute the mentally ill, we get them the help they need.

[WoundedBibi]

Thank goodness, no, no experience there.

But as to why she won't return it, all pwBPD are different, so it's pure speculation. It could be:

- why buy a cow if you have free milk (then again apparently she has found a new source of milk)

- too much effort to buy a new one (then again, see above)

- too much effort to send it back to you

- to taunt you

- to feel some kind of connection with you

- as a trophy

- to have a hold on you

- to have an excuse to come back to you when it doesn't work out with the replacement.

But as I said, it's speculation. You'll never know why. If you ask the question, would she know herself and would her answer be truthful? Probably no to either or both.

The question is, what is stopping you from taking that legal action?

The reason I don't take legal action is because at the same time I feel bad for her. She has been through a lot in her childhood, more than most of the BPD stories I've seen on this site.

Most of us have not disclosed the childhoods of our ex SO in detail, that is not what this board is for after all. With a pwBPD there is usually a difficult childhood to say the least but also usually one at some point asks oneself which of any of the stories is actually true.

But whether or not your ex has had an awful childhood, you're letting her get away with stealing because you feel sorry for her. What good would that do for you or her?

I don't want to hurt her more than she has already been hurting. I want to do the opposite and get her help. I don't really think she is in control of her actions sometimes just victim to her emotions. In from the USA where we do not persecute the mentally ill, we get them the help they need.

Nobody here is persecuting the mentally ill.

But you cannot force someone to get help. Someone needs to want help, true help as in therapy not a free phone, for it to actually work for them.

What do pwBPD among other things learn in therapy? To take responsability for their actions.

Do you really want to help her long term? Then you try to teach her about taking responsability. Do you want to prevent her from having pain, than you're not helping her. Because therapy will be really really painful.

You're trying to kiss away a boo-boo when someone has an open leg fracture.

[SoMadSoSad]

Thank goodness, no, no experience there.

But as to why she won't return it, all pwBPD are different, so it's pure speculation. It could be:

- why buy a cow if you have free milk (then again apparently she has found a new source of milk)

- too much effort to buy a new one (then again, see above)

- too much effort to send it back to you

- to taunt you

- to feel some kind of connection with you

- as a trophy

- to have a hold on you

- to have an excuse to come back to you when it doesn't work out with the replacement.

But as I said, it's speculation. You'll never know why. If you ask the question, would she know herself and would her answer be truthful? Probably no to either or both.

The question is, what is stopping you from taking that legal action?

The reason I don't take legal action is because at the same time I feel bad for her. She has been through a lot in her childhood, more than most of the BPD stories I've seen on this site.

Most of us have not disclosed the childhoods of our ex SO in detail, that is not what this board is for after all. With a pwBPD there is usually a difficult childhood to say the least but also usually one at some point asks oneself which of any of the stories is actually true.

But whether or not your ex has had an awful childhood, you're letting her get away with stealing because you feel sorry for her. What good would that do for you or her?

I don't want to hurt her more than she has already been hurting. I want to do the opposite and get her help. I don't really think she is in control of her actions sometimes just victim to her emotions. In from the USA where we do not persecute the mentally ill, we get them the help they need.

Nobody here is persecuting the mentally ill.

But you cannot force someone to get help. Someone needs to want help, true help as in therapy not a free phone, for it to actually work for them.

What do pwBPD among other things learn in therapy? To take responsability for their actions.

Do you really want to help her long term? Then you try to teach her about taking responsability. Do you want to prevent her from having pain, than you're not helping her. Because therapy will be really really painful.

You're trying to kiss away a boo-boo when someone has an open leg fracture.

My plan is to try to get her to do the therapy. There are times when she is remorseful and knows what she does is wrong and wants to seek help, it's just those times are short lived if no one is actively seeing her through it. I don't think taking legal action about the phone would teach her anything and would paint me blacker than I already am which in turn would hinder the process of getting her help.

[JerryRG]

I was surprised my exBPDgf didn't outright steal my cash but she did cling to my property and she was always asking me why I never brought more of my stuff over when I stayed with her. Duh Becky! Because when she got angry she would ask me to leave and I would scramble to gather my stuff and if I forgot something she would  torment me with childish games.

One time I left my digital camera at her place and she wouldn't return it so she said she would leave it in the entry way of her apartment, get the drama?

Either way a no win situation I would lose the camera... .

Another time I left my sunglasses and went to her place to get them back, she and I were in a relationship at the time, she refused to return them and told me to get off her property.

Oops, did I mention she's got issues? Lol

Hang in there everyone, stay strong, stay focused and never give up!

And while responding to this post it occured to me how much I use denial and I cannot explain it because if I could I wouldn't be asking myself... .double bind... .

I fluctuate from these events that prove without a shadow of doubt my exgf is an extremely mentally ill individual yet I forget, deny or block? this certain reality and go back to believing she's healthy and I'm the crazy sick one... .hmmm

I have issues galore but I'm aware of most of them, codependency, alcoholic,  ACOA, depression, PTSD, etc... .I dissociate too but hmmm, I was sexually "abused as a young child"

Those are my issues and I've been working on them since I quit drinking years ago... .

Sorry for the spin off topic.

Thanks for sharing and staring this thread

[once removed]

hi somadsosad

lets clarify here: the phone was a gift. her keeping it is not stealing.

yes, trying to force this exchange occupied my mind for an additional two or three months post breakup and prolonged my detachment. i received excuses as well. the fact is, i was never going to get my items back, and i had to cut my losses, accept that, and really begin to grieve. the exchange of belongings can trigger a sense of abandonment. its generally a dead end road. let go of the phone and grieve your relationship. we are here to support you when you do.

somadsosad, as much as i admire your compassion, you are likely not in a position to get her the help she needs; you are a trigger and your relationship has concluded. she is resistant to seeing you or exchanging belongings. she is an adult and should be treated as one, which means respecting her freedom to live her life as she chooses, whether that means seeking help on her own or not.

you are not the first to have this urge to get her help, and many have acted on it. have a look here: TOOLS:Telling someone that you think they have BPD/Getting someone to treatment