Need help/Advice

[Ace292]

 It is a complicated story, which I will begin by giving a certain background. A colleague of my fiancée, we believe has B.P.D. He checks 14 of the 18 points on Theodore Millon's 'The discouraged borderline' subtype with multiple checks on the other 3 subtypes but not in majority, such as intrusive in boundaries, among others. Apart from this he exhibits traits such as projection, among others. My fiancée has known him since January only, and he intruded into our relationship to an extent that at a point she felt attracted to him & their relationship resembled an emotional affair & I almost called of the wedding. It was during our attempt at building our relationship back did I realise that he has B.P.D. Although we did not confront him on the disorder, he has realised to stay away but as they are colleague, they still share a professional relationship which he still tries to cross over.

Within this time, by mid-February, she had talked him up to our common friend for trying to get them together. He did not show interest in our friend initially for dating but our friend did. But now, this friend & him have become good friends, as far as we know, we believe that they are in a non-sexual relationship, for now. Now, our friend is showing the same behavioural changes that my fiancée did when she began to get involved with him. Both of them were bubbly, talkative individuals both of them became withdrawn & gloomy. Both of them showed/show rapid signs of physical fatigue, broken hair, dark circles, head aches, inability to have a good sleep, among others. Both of them hid/are hiding the aspects of their relationship with the B.P.D. guy. Both of them had/are started using certain words like pure to describe their relationship with him, a word he used to describe. Both of them defended/defend him or do not like it, when I criticized/criticize him such as on his view that homosexuality is a sin even though my friend/fiancée support LGBT rights. Both of them received/receive umpteen amount of attention from him & uncritical admiration to which they got/are addicted. The are far to many similarities, small & big, but I assume that the reader has gotten the drift of my argument.

My fiancée is now fine. But our friend isn't.

Our friend doesn't know about the problems the B.P.D guy caused in our lives or that he has B.P.D. I am not even sure whether he knows he has B.P.D. Our friend has graduated in psychology & has worked with an NGO that helps kids with mental disorders & is now a teacher that teaches mentally challenged kids in school. I am prusing my Ph.D while my fiancée (Social Sciences) and the B.P.D. (Music) teach in a school. My friend's father was also diagnosed with dementia last month to which the guy & my friend bonded over their respective relationship to their father's, he was physically abused. My fiancée is her best friend. Couple of days ago, my fiancée told her to stay away from the guy, our friend got jealous & has changed her behaviour towards my fiancée, which took extreme turn after she said this. Earlier she was super-excited about the weeding preparations, now zilch. She has stopped sharing completely even with other people, put multiple locks on her phone, has started having abandonment issues like the BPD guy used to say regularly to my fiancée that she l leave him after the wedding  to which she used to say they will always be friends, our friend had started saying the same thing for couple of weeks. He using our friend to keep receive information on my fiancée, he recently got to know of a hand-made gift I made for her birthday & told my fiancée at work, he will make one for her too. Even though my friend has studied psychology, she was & is still oblivious to the fact that he has a psychological problem. The guy is stringing her along, he wouldn't date her but has kept her emotionally engaged. Even recently she said no to a marriage proposal that her parents bought (We are from India).

I feel if we tell our friend that he has B.P.D., she will then try to heal him & be there for him. She is a virgin to the extent she has never had a boyfriend or kissed & I feel if she ends up having sexual relations with him, it would destroy her completely later in life when she figures it all out. It figuratively feels as if someone has drained the life out of her. I cant take anyone to a therapist or a professional, it is still a taboo in our country. I feel if he realises if I am trying to take away my friend from him, after I took away my fiancée, he might get physically violent.

How do I help my friend?

Is there a chance he might get physically violent with my fiancée?

Would he use our friend to hurt/blackmail my fiancée?

Thank you, I would appreciate any help & be willing to provide further information if need be.

[Kwamina]

Hi Ace292

Knowing what you know about him, I can understand why you are now concerned for your friend.

Both you and your fiancée suspect he has BPD based on the research you've done.

I think it is admirable that you would like to help your friend. You believe she is currently oblivious to the fact that he has psychological problems. You however do see certain signs in her, behavioral changes and changes in her psychical appearance that you also noticed in your fiancée. Have you ever discussed these changes you see with your friend? If so, how does she respond to it? Does she also feel she has changed?

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily