I really need help and advice

[Depression = 72% of members]

Some of you may know my story but since I last posted my BPD partner was not talking to me and with someone else... ! He left her and she then rang me after self harming she admits she has a problem but insists its depression... She recently dumped me again after accusing me of hitting her child which I did not do I then got drunk and made a fool of myself the following night when I met her and her family out... ! I love the girl and she was beginning to realise she needs help... She is again with another fella and still rings me in the middle of the night... ! What do I do?

[Seamy616]

Some of you may know my story but since I last posted my BPD partner was not talking to me and with someone else... ! He left her and she then rang me after self harming she admits she has a problem but insists its depression... She recently dumped me again after accusing me of hitting her child which I did not do I then got drunk and made a fool of myself the following night when I met her and her family out... ! I love the girl and she was beginning to realise she needs help... She is again with another fella and still rings me in the middle of the night... ! What do I do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

Some of you may know my story but since I last posted my BPD partner was not talking to me and with someone else... ! He left her and she then rang me after self harming she admits she has a problem but insists its depression... She recently dumped me again after accusing me of hitting her child which I did not do I then got drunk and made a fool of myself the following night when I met her and her family out... !

It is hard to understand the push-pull and it hurts like hell when the push occurs.  Did you bump into them or was it a planned outing?  Why do you think she accused you of hitting her child?

I love the girl and she was beginning to realise she needs help... She is again with another fella and still rings me in the middle of the night... ! What do I do?

What makes you think she is starting to realize she needs help?  How many times has this happened ... .the discarding and her hooking up with another guy?   Are you answering her calls?

[Seamy616]

I bumped into them wen they were out No missed her call... We were with friend wen the kid bit me and I told her immediately he is three and said I hit him I didn't but we were going away for the weekend the following weekend wen she asked me did I hit him I said no nd she said she believes Him... We had a fight and she kept saying don't hit my child I said ok but she just kept saying it until I snapped nd left... .She plays victim then in order to suck the next guy in by feeling sorry for her... .! We've broken up 6 or 7 times but only got with another fella once b4 this... .!

[Seamy616]

She's says she needs help nd is on antidepressants from the doc tour... .!

[C.Stein]

We've broken up 6 or 7 times but only got with another fella once b4 this... .!

So do you see this changing any time soon?  Try looking at the relationship objectively and ask yourself what are you trying to save here.  You need to identify the reasons you want to continue this relationship and if your expectations are reasonable or not.  Given she is with another guy now what are your options here?

[Seamy616]

She is smart I've been with her for over 5 years and still love her she is trying and this has changed... .

[JohnLove]

Maybe her mask is slipping. pwBPD will often devalue you, accuse you of abuse... .those positions they take may have little relevance to reality... .it's so they can convince themselves that their actions are "OK" or "right" or somehow acceptable. When really they are not. So that they are perfectly justified in doing what they do next.

Oh, she's "smart" alright... .

It sounds like you have now been replaced. "Getting with another fella" is NOT OK to me if I am in an intimate relationship with someone. It completely blows it out of the water.

You may need to look at practicing radical acceptance with this girl.

[Seamy616]

I would if I honestly taut that she could not be helped but I understand her illness and have accepted the reasons why she does what she does it won't last with this other fella... !

[C.Stein]

I would if I honestly taut that she could not be helped but I understand her illness and have accepted the reasons why she does what she does it won't last with this other fella... !

I caution you on using her disorder to excuse unacceptable behavior.  You need to make and defend some boundaries here.  If you are OK with an open relationship then that is fine.  If you aren't OK with that then how are you going to set and defend your boundary here?

[Grey Kitty]

Accepting that she will behave badly due to her mental health issues, especially when she has a long pattern of doing so is a good thing.

Convincing yourself that you can accept her behavior simply because she cannot change it is a bad idea.

It is a subtle point, but for me personally, I can be OK with an open relationship, but that doesn't mean it would be without rules. In my case, cheating would still be a huge problem for me, likely relationship-ending.

Make your choice based on your values, but for me, recycling while she's with another guy wouldn't be on my list. Especially since the other guy isn't going to be OK with it, and that is a mess I'd want to steer clear of!