Exhausted

[PaperBoats]

Hello:

I am currently married to a sufferer of BPD. She is not willing to admit that she suffers from BPD. Life has become miserable for everyone around her. I have tried so hard in the past to understand her and listen, but now I have no respect for her. I am extremely angry that our lives have been shattered over such petty arguments. I have never been able to have my own opinion or differ from what she thinks. Her insecurities kick in and she starts fighting. The screaming fits and rages are insane. You would think the world is ending. It is next to impossible to calm her down when she gets in these ugly rages. If I stand up for myself and argue back it is terrible. If I keep my mouth shut and walk away she comes chasing after me forcing me into a corner and the relentless harassing continues. If I leave the house she chasing me down the driveway. It is so embarrassing and insane.

No one around me knows what is actually happening. No one could ever believe the insanity that is happening in my house. Her family will not help or even acknowledge her illness. Anytime I mention divorce she goes into a rage and tells me how I need to work on myself. I certainly need to work on myself, I have been crushed by this ugly relationship and I am very angry.

I need help to get away from her and move on with life. It is so hard to write this... .I never thought I would have to deal with such ugliness in life.

[ForeverDad]

I've been there.  So have many other members here.  Yes, divorce was a painful process but we saw the light at the tunnel and life afterward was so much better.

Frankly, trying to reason with her isn't working.  She isn't listening.  Poor BPD behaviors are most evident in close relationships.  There are probably a number of factors.

• Your sense of marital obligations to keep trying gives your spouse Leverage over you and makes you vulnerable to her control and demands



• Many of your interactions are in private and so she feel free to let her rants and rages loose in ways she doesn't do to the same extent with others



• She can't or won't listen to you since she can't see past the immense emotional baggage of the dysfunctional relationship



• It is all about blaming, blame-shifting and projection of her issues onto others, especially the ones closest to her (you)



• There will be no lasting improvements until you Accept that she will do whatever she wants and the only person you can influence and change is yourself



• Boundaries are important... .Boundaries are for you since you can't change her... .  For example, talking about divorce doesn't work, doing it will work though beware of the fireworks



• When you decide to divorce, expect obstruction and intense blaming, that you were the one abusive and misbehaving, she will be literally desperate to make you look worse than her, false allegations of abuse are a real risk for which to prepare yourself (I quietly recorded myself and any around me as insurance to prove I was the one misbehaving

Do you have any children with her?  As wonderful as children are, having children greatly complicates a divorce due to the custody and parenting issues.

[faithlady007]

Hi Paperboats

I feel for you. I really do. I am determined to not let someone with BPD define me. I think you would do good to do the same. Know who you are and your strengths, gifts and talents. Celebrate and use them.

I am a newly married person(10 months). Recent empty-nester to my one child in College.

I can't adequately describe the mixture of anger, stress, regret, sadness, obligation, and SHAME I have felt at the "ugliness". Just that this would be a part of MY life. 

To the point where I have wondered if I wanted to continue my marriage.  New husband is a good guy but we have had our own episodes of newly wed communication blues. Now this. I feel like the decision to be in this was not given to me. I know that may sound selfish especially since I too have a child and I would want support from my spouse. I'm working on that.

I feel like there has been alot of work in my own life to make it better. And that of my child. And now I have this in my home. And it is U.G.L.Y.

My 32yrold uBPD SD just landed on our door two days ago w 4 children(has been in 2 shelters, a failed relocate out of state & BPD mom's since middle of Feb).

Just took pics of 11 month old who to my husband and me look full of bluish bruises. Her whole back.

SD was threatened with foster care by cps 1 1/2 month ago bec kids witnessed domestic violence w her live in BF. She is mean as a snake to her kids (3, 7, 8). 8 yr old has Autism but she has never gotten him help.

My husband and I have gotten a chance to see up close and personal(she's assumptive, lazy, unkempt, short-fused blame shifter) why her life is so jacked up bec according to her none of it is her fault. Ever.

I will not let this define ME. You don't either.

[ugghh]

None of us enters our marriage thinking that they will turn out that way.  Over 26 years I became a battered shell of who I was, lost in the struggle just to survive and protect my kids.  Somehow God graced me with a beautiful daughter who loved me enough to stay on me to get into counseling.  It took her about 4 weeks of calling me everyday to goad me into action.  I found a counselor who helped me understand that BPD is chronic - it is like a waterfall flowing over a rock, eventually even the rock will wear down.

It sounds as if you have reached the point where you have said enough! Now you have have turn that into a plan to extricate yourself from the current relationship.  If you take the time and effort to do so carefully, you will be much better off in the long run.