Mediation - is it worth doing again?

[Catsmother]

Hi all, I hope you can give me a little guidance, and a bit of perspective. And although this is not my first post, I think it is the first thread I have started.

Here we go again, with potentially another round of mediation. Is it worth it?

Brief synopsis (or as brief as I can get it). I had things written but have deleted them. Suffice to say - there have been four attempts at mediation at least so far, over a period of 8 years. Agreements made, parenting plans even drawn up and signed. Two relocations by mother included to places not in close proximity to father. Promises made, and not kept. Agreements and parenting plan not followed. Court orders have also been made in this time period. Two of those would, on the most part, have been considered to be final orders. Mother has been non-compliant with the majority of the orders as well.

All the contraventions, for want of a better word, have been more along the line of 'speed bump' infractions, although there has been some withholding of the child as well.

So here we are. The child is soon to turn 12, and last year decided that they wanted to go to high school  in the father's town. Mother agreed, and father suggested that new orders be written to reflect agreement. Mother was going to stay where she was, and would have had weekend and holiday time. Two weeks after father suggested new orders, mother says that she is moving to father's town. (Please note that father had been asking mother to move there for at least the previous three years, if not more.) Mother moves, no orders in place.

Easter 2016 - child wants equal time with both parents. Child wanted to stay with father for Easter (up to the Sunday) but mother wanted child to be with her from the Friday, and did not offer makeup days. Mother sends email to father saying that he made her move to his town out of revenge, and caused her to spend money to move as an act of vengeance. One minute, yes, one minute, later, mother sends email to father stating that she has arranged mediation, and states that father is non-compliant with court orders. And wants father to promise that he will follow the court orders.

So esteemed ones, do you think there is any benefit in going to mediation?

[Nope]

Does the order require mediation prior to a court action?

Has anything been documented proving that mediating has has any positive outcomes in the past?

If the answer to those two questions is no then I wouldn't bother.

[ugghh]

The general consensus is against mediation, because even if you gave the BPD everything they wanted (and they will often not be shy about asking for everything) they will generally still find something that make them dissatisfied with the arrangement.   More importantly, mediation often lets them see your strategy and adjust their behavior accordingly before trial, so in the long run it weakens your case.

[Catsmother]

In theory, there are court orders in place, but they do not reflect the current care arrangements of the child. And I am certain that if the mother were to change those arrangements, then the child would vote with their feet.

In order to go to court (Australia), you need to do mediation. The mother is attempting to get consent orders, and from a few comments she made in her email, she has no idea what the process really is. The previous orders were in one level of court, but all consent orders have to be lodged with a higher level. And she seems to think that the same judge will look at the new orders. They won't it will be a Registrar. She also dropped the clause about responding to emails, as this is the main area that she breaks the orders. This is after stating that her version closely followed the previous orders.

As for previous mediation. Agreements were made, papers signed, and she didn't follow them. She also said that the mediators can draft a legally binding document. No they can't. Not here in Australia. Any parenting plans written up are not legal documents, and the mediators, in the centres that she uses are generally social workers, not lawyers.

She has said in her emails that since the last lot of orders, things have been going better. No they haven't. She still did not follow them. And we now have extra time with the child. We were long distance from 2009 to 2012, and semi long distance from 2012 to the end of 2015. In her emails she said that the child has been wanting to do 50/50 for a long time now. And finally after 7 whole years, she agreed to it but only because the child wanted to go to school near us.

Hubby doesn't want to go to mediation again. And if he doesn't go, she can get a certificate to take the matter to court. It would take several months to get to court, and she really needs to have a reason to go to court. I don't think her moving closer to us would be sufficient. Not sure. Will have to look that one up.

[livednlearned]

If the child can vote with feet, and the mother doesn't follow the orders anyway, and mediation costs money that will not create a binding document, it sounds like the question is really more about how to dodge mediation?

Hubby doesn't want to go to mediation again. And if he doesn't go, she can get a certificate to take the matter to court. It would take several months to get to court, and she really needs to have a reason to go to court. I don't think her moving closer to us would be sufficient. Not sure. Will have to look that one up.

It sounds like she is not someone who can easily put together the many details about how court works. I don't blame her! I found it confusing myself. I also think BPD + impulsivity (a core part of the disorder) will probably mean she starts the process, then drops it, then starts it, then drops it.

My ex was a former trial attorney in a different area of law, even so, you would think he could figure out how the process worked, but he never did. We couldn't tell if it was on purpose or not. Either way, he had a very hard time holding things together in the court process. He didn't prepare for anything, forgot to show up for important dates, didn't file things on time, misunderstood what things meant. pwBPD don't do stress well, and gearing up for court is stressful.

You may be able to just lay low and let her spin... .I've been amazed at how effective it can be to do nothing (learned that from ex).

[Catsmother]

The first two hours of mediation are free.

Previous court appearances, DH has self represented, and she has had a lawyer (courtesy of her partner). She even had a Barrister for two appearances the last time. That would have probably been $10,000 at least for just those. That is on top of all the other costs. We think that her last lot of court action probably cost nearly $40,000. We can't help it if DH had to write long letters back. Lol.

Mind you, the previous two lawyers she had definitely needed brushing up on spelling and grammar. I just so wanted to grab a red pen, circle the mistakes and send it back to them.

As for court, well here in Australia, family law is the same irrespective of which state you are in except in the case of Western Australia. We aren't. So one website, and it is very informative.

Just as an aside, we think she is having someone help her with her last few emails, the ones that have spoken of court orders and mediation. She has started the emails with ":)ear DH". Usually she doesn't even start the emails with ":)H", just leaves it out entirely. And if she does start the emails with "Hi DH", it is usually because she wants something. But that's just an aside.

She keeps trying to push DH into making his own appointment for an intake interview (necessary step) but he is going to push it out to the mediator getting in touch with him. He also works very odd shifts, which can get changed at a day's notice, so there is another spanner in the works. DH is however, interested in 'child inclusive mediation' if possible, and if it goes that far.

Oh well, I think we will play the waiting game. Thanks