Daniell85,
Thanks for your reply. You asked a couple questions.
"Is that really the case that they will be scarred by you being more low key or not being around as much?"
My answer: I don't know if it's really the case that they would feel abandoned, if I weren't around as often. Probably not as much as I'm worried about. Kids are resilient and in the moment, not so much focussed on who isn't around. I took precautions early on to establish a clearly understood relationship that wouldn't be mistaken as parenting. So, perhaps in their mind, it would be more like 'Mom's friend just hasn't visited as much lately.' If they even stopped to think about it at all. They have many other people in their lives: grandparents, teachers, students, friends, occasionally Dad, etc.
"Are you being co dependent or is there a genuine cause for concern that isn't about your own anxiety/comfort zone?"
Now that you mention it, I think I am being codependent to some degree. It's probably my own loss, more than anything, that is making this reduction with the kids difficult.
There is a genuine cause for concern safety-wise. She has threatened to call the police on me before, which was triggered by my calmly asking detailed questions. She screamed at me to leave. When I didn't, she threatened me. Of course, in retrospect, I should've just left. Instead, I sat in a chair, not arguing, or anything. This is one example of her impulsiveness.
Another, is that she gets vindictive when she's mad! She distorts whatever situation has happened. She becomes 'a victim' in her mind. Whoever she is upset with, is the abuser. Karpman drama triangle stuff. It's scary though, because she won't let it go for a couple weeks. And, she retaliates by snubbing the other person, cutting them off, etc.
It's freaky, because suddenly I become isolated from her when she is in this mode. I don't know what she is going to do. I don't know what scheme she is hatching in her mind, etc.
