Update, things going strangely well after 9 years...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well, despite the fact that the last month has been very rocky for our family, with DH and I moving for the first time in 7 years, and BPD mom losing her mom... .things are still going remarkably well.  In particular, I want to report on the amazing job my almost SD16 (she turns 16 in a month) is doing at separating lovingly from her mom.  She is able to tell me that she has a lot of shame and feels she is a bad person, that she is aware this is related to her mom's shame and judgement related to mom's abuse in mom's childhood, and that she is learning it is not about her.  That SHE does not have to be ashamed because of something someone did to her mom, that her mom thus had bad skills at addressing.  She tells me she is ready to let go of some of the ways she feels ashamed and bad, and is realizing it is not her badness... .and that she finds my words and love super supportive in helping her to do that.  Is this not the greatest wish of a stepmom with a BPD mom in the picture? 

SD12 is having a harder time of it, but we are communicating really well.  She is naturally more introverted, and really relies on me.  As she gets older, she is able to express more to me when she is having a hard time with what I am doing.  The month we moved, I was irritable and emotional (the house is one I build myself, and living in a house where DH is the owner is a REALLY different power dynamic in our relationship, which is hard for me... .I did not deal with that well at all times!).  I have apologized to her, and know it affected her more as she is less expressive and relies more on my fairness and reason.  She has been able to say that this is fine, but she wants to be able to tell me when she is mad at me without her getting upset back. So great to hear her asking for what she needs--her sister is mom's favorite, and she tends to feel like her needs are not important.  This is changing.

As for BPD mom, she is still just as nuts, but she is able to reach out to me now consistently.  As we are getting along better, it is interesting to note that she can be very grateful and appreciative of things I do for her, or of me understanding her... .but has no capacity for understanding me and no interest in anyone else's needs.  That is so interesting to me. The other day she screamed at SD15 at me in front of her house when we came, with her permission, to pick something up.  She raged about how SD12 was not there, and asked me to "knock her around for me". She then texted me a list of all the things I did wrong... .I did not have time to do things wrong, she was just yelling at me.  But when I respond by saying, "Thanks for telling me what you need. I get it. Love, E"  She is grateful and loving. 

After 9 years, I am getting it.  The biggest take home lesson is really just to ignore the drama.  It is not really a problem if I do not let it be. 

And, a huge change for me is that SD15 finally gets it, a little, and has empathy for me.  When we left her screaming mom, I could say, "Wow, it is really hard for me to be treated that way." and she could say, "I know it is.  It is hard for me, too, but I think it is harder for you." And I could say, "You know I do not judge your mom for yelling like that, that is her doing her best, she does not have the tools to deal with her intense feelings in another way, but it REALLY helps for you to have empathy!" and she says, "Yes, I love that you do not judge her even if it is hard for you, you just say, "thanks," and get out of there as soon as possible.  You do not put her down.  I know you actually love her, and that makes me feel good.  I definitely have empathy for you, and do not like the way my mom treats you.  I just know she cannot really help it. and I think she really likes you." 

I let her know that it makes all the difference that she gets me, even if her mom can't. 

DH and I are also doing fine.  We had a really hard month moving, but we did NOT add child support litigation to our list of things to do, thanks to his successful out of court negotiation with BPD mom.  Wow!  He did it almost without me (I was at one meeting).  So all is well. 

That said, I get tired out of dealing with the drama.  Every transition, the girls are full of blame and SD12 is easily hurt, really having a hard time being the unloved one in her mom's house.  This kills me.  I love the kid so much, and can't understand how it feels to think mom does not love you, or how a mom could not see that she is communicating this to a sweet girl. 

That said, I have a hard time understanding why I get mad, too! 

But overall, though I get tired of the constant drama, I am also finding it do-able.  And, I am amazed at how much mu bond with the girls can weather hard months, and not only weather that, but can be a deep inspiration for the girls to be willing to be more of who they are, love themselves more, and have the awareness to blame me for this!  What a great gift. 

Still, I imagine the peace of our home in 6 more years, and wonder if that time will ever come... .

[ennie]

Well, despite the fact that the last month has been very rocky for our family, with DH and I moving for the first time in 7 years, and BPD mom losing her mom... .things are still going remarkably well.  In particular, I want to report on the amazing job my almost SD16 (she turns 16 in a month) is doing at separating lovingly from her mom.  She is able to tell me that she has a lot of shame and feels she is a bad person, that she is aware this is related to her mom's shame and judgement related to mom's abuse in mom's childhood, and that she is learning it is not about her.  That SHE does not have to be ashamed because of something someone did to her mom, that her mom thus had bad skills at addressing.  She tells me she is ready to let go of some of the ways she feels ashamed and bad, and is realizing it is not her badness... .and that she finds my words and love super supportive in helping her to do that.  Is this not the greatest wish of a stepmom with a BPD mom in the picture? 

SD12 is having a harder time of it, but we are communicating really well.  She is naturally more introverted, and really relies on me.  As she gets older, she is able to express more to me when she is having a hard time with what I am doing.  The month we moved, I was irritable and emotional (the house is one I build myself, and living in a house where DH is the owner is a REALLY different power dynamic in our relationship, which is hard for me... .I did not deal with that well at all times!).  I have apologized to her, and know it affected her more as she is less expressive and relies more on my fairness and reason.  She has been able to say that this is fine, but she wants to be able to tell me when she is mad at me without her getting upset back. So great to hear her asking for what she needs--her sister is mom's favorite, and she tends to feel like her needs are not important.  This is changing.

As for BPD mom, she is still just as nuts, but she is able to reach out to me now consistently.  As we are getting along better, it is interesting to note that she can be very grateful and appreciative of things I do for her, or of me understanding her... .but has no capacity for understanding me and no interest in anyone else's needs.  That is so interesting to me. The other day she screamed at SD15 at me in front of her house when we came, with her permission, to pick something up.  She raged about how SD12 was not there, and asked me to "knock her around for me". She then texted me a list of all the things I did wrong... .I did not have time to do things wrong, she was just yelling at me.  But when I respond by saying, "Thanks for telling me what you need. I get it. Love, E"  She is grateful and loving. 

After 9 years, I am getting it.  The biggest take home lesson is really just to ignore the drama.  It is not really a problem if I do not let it be. 

And, a huge change for me is that SD15 finally gets it, a little, and has empathy for me.  When we left her screaming mom, I could say, "Wow, it is really hard for me to be treated that way." and she could say, "I know it is.  It is hard for me, too, but I think it is harder for you." And I could say, "You know I do not judge your mom for yelling like that, that is her doing her best, she does not have the tools to deal with her intense feelings in another way, but it REALLY helps for you to have empathy!" and she says, "Yes, I love that you do not judge her even if it is hard for you, you just say, "thanks," and get out of there as soon as possible.  You do not put her down.  I know you actually love her, and that makes me feel good.  I definitely have empathy for you, and do not like the way my mom treats you.  I just know she cannot really help it. and I think she really likes you." 

I let her know that it makes all the difference that she gets me, even if her mom can't. 

DH and I are also doing fine.  We had a really hard month moving, but we did NOT add child support litigation to our list of things to do, thanks to his successful out of court negotiation with BPD mom.  Wow!  He did it almost without me (I was at one meeting).  So all is well. 

That said, I get tired out of dealing with the drama.  Every transition, the girls are full of blame and SD12 is easily hurt, really having a hard time being the unloved one in her mom's house.  This kills me.  I love the kid so much, and can't understand how it feels to think mom does not love you, or how a mom could not see that she is communicating this to a sweet girl. 

That said, I have a hard time understanding why I get mad, too! 

But overall, though I get tired of the constant drama, I am also finding it do-able.  And, I am amazed at how much mu bond with the girls can weather hard months, and not only weather that, but can be a deep inspiration for the girls to be willing to be more of who they are, love themselves more, and have the awareness to blame me for this!  What a great gift. 

Still, I imagine the peace of our home in 6 more years, and wonder if that time will ever come... .