When people with BPD try and get revenge

[Itstopsnow]

I want to thank all of you who help me by answering my posts each time! They bring me comfort and fresh insight! I have a question I've been struggling with. So you know my story. My ex was a Catholic priest who I thought was leaving the priesthood to have a regular good moral life! I am very active in my faith and thought he was a great selfless man! I treated him to extra special because I thought he sacrificed so much of his life for a noble calling! And I thought he gave up his 20's to the priesthood . I don't have much money. I work for myself in my private business and spent about 25 to 30k on our 18 month relationship together. I don't even care about the wasted money. I look at it as I gave from my heart and I got to enjoy the vacations and good times too.

But to see after it all went down after I caught him in his double life and notified his second girlfriend (who then dumped him) he was cheating on her with me and many other and talking so bad about her to me! He told me they went on 4 dates but never said he was her boyfriend for 4 months! Well now he tried to slander my business online. I put a stop to it. I sent him a letter and threatened him back! He took it down immediately! But my question is ... .

If they are Not sociopaths which I don't believe he truly is. I think he may have some traits of it or NPD But I don't think he's s full blown sociopath With allhis neediness and crying he always does. He really can't function as a completely independent adult. His mom is always bailing him out and his step mom opens his bills and bank statements . It's so weird! Why do they  the BPD people then try to take revenge! When they are the ones who hurt us? If they do have empathy deep down then how could they? I would feel terrible guilt and I would just leave the person alone that I hurt and took advantage of so bad if I were them!  It made me so angry but I am trying to see it as part of their sickness . The child part who acts out and doesn't think level headed or rationally. I'm not sure. I needed some prespective strong those who have been through it . Thanks!

[once removed]

hi itstopsnow 

reasons that come to mind:

1. immaturity (what it really boils down to)

2. wounded ego

3. the perception of being wronged/urge to "right"

4. drama

5. difficulty actually letting go

6. impulse

really, for the same reasoning any one of us may desire or seek revenge. keep in mind that his perspective of who was wronged/hurt likely differs from yours.

[FannyB]

Hi Itstopsnow

A key feature of BPD is toxic shame and a need to avoid such feelings at all costs. Guilt at what they did would trigger such shame - so the dysfunctional defence mechanisms would cut in to protect their fractured psyche from harm.  A key defence would be projection, where they dump all their crap on you and make it your fault e.g. 'If Itstopsnow hadn't said X then I wouldn't have done Y - so it's all her fault'. Such a tactic would make them feel better about themselves as the victim in all this - but consequently would leave them feeling hurt and wanting revenge for the perceived wrong you did to them. 

I know my ex took revenge on her ex for disappointing her - taking half his money and his kids clearly wasn't enough!

Fanny

[WoundedBibi]

Being someone the ex took revenge on I agree with FannyB & Onceremoved.

My ex felt hurt because I told him in an email he should not have been afraid I would have cheated (a guy came on to me at the pub, I turned him down in front of my ex but I'm not sure he was even aware by then. He went into this strange dissociate state) as I had only eyes for him but that him hitting on a girl on a different night in front of me and ignoring me all night was hurtful (the hitting on was done as punishment for asking something about his mother).

It was enough to make him go ballistic. And to tell his flying monkeys I had accused him of cheating on me. Which is not what I said. He could've read it like that as BPDs process words in a different way or just said it to his flying monkeys as an excuse for going ballistic.

Wounded ego. Perception of being wronged. Drama. Immaturity. And maybe he needed a reason to let me go; maybe I got too close for comfort, saw too much, said too much, instead of doing what his monkeys do, telling him what he wants to hear.

[HurtinNW]

Along with the other reasons, which are very true, my ex has taken revenge on me to maintain his public persona, which is extremely important to him. He paints me black to mutual friends, has tried to turn people against me, and is playing the victim.

I think for some the revenge is about them maintaining the fiction of themselves to others. My ex cannot stand the idea that anyone would think he is "bad." So he always makes sure the public arena sees he is not at fault.

Of course it is all crazy-making, since he was the one who abused me, and broke up with me. But you would never, ever guess that from how he presents the situation to others.

I once asked him the past why he acted this way in previous break-ups. He said, "Of course I am going to act sad if I feel sad, why, should I have to act happy?" And then he got mad, of course. In his reasoning he was simply responding appropriately to the evil I had committed. He was correcting any possible mistake that anyone would think he was at fault.

I suspect that part of him knows that painting me black to mutual friends is a hurtful thing, but when he is painting me black he doesn't care. What matters to him then is what the friends think.

[lunchbox123]

I caught him in his double life and notified his second girlfriend (who then dumped him) he was cheating on her with me and many other and talking so bad about her to me!

What was your reasoning for telling the other woman that he cheated? Could it be that some part of your motivation was also to seek revenge?

[Itstopsnow]

Thank you everyone! I told his ex because it was the truth. I didn't even at the moment think in regards to revenge or anything like that. It was up to her what she would do with that truth! In the end I'm glad I did! She was such a sweet girl. He was saying such mean things about her to me! Calling her fat and below average . Saying even crueler things. He didn't deserve her! I'm glad she loved herself enough to walk away! He didn't get past the honeymoon phas with her! She thought he was crazy for her! But he was still abusing her too. I always try to live my life with integrity . I'm not without sin or fault. I fall short of the call a lot. But I try never to blantently use or lie to people and I told her because I was confused myself. I had no idea what was actually going on at the time. He was still seeing me. I found her Facebook page and he was with me the night before and went away with me 4 times that month. I saw he went away with her less than a week after we broke up and at the time I found her. He was seeing me regularly and talking and texting daily almost like old times. I was asking when they started to date? It all just came out after that

[Thread]

I would have told the girlfriend too, and luckily she did leave and didn't have to go through the abuse.

[Itstopsnow]

You know what? His second ex was amazing! She came in and did what he wasn't man enough to do! She gave me comfort, validation and closure! She told me I should take pride in the fact that I was such a good girlfriend whether he deserved it or not! And that I should hold my head up high and walk fiercely through life! She was happy we met! In that moment I realize and remembered God is very much alive, and active in the World! That there are very good people out there! And that we are all here to help each other along the way road of life! He talked mad sh*t about her to me as he talked the terrible lies and things about me to her! She didn't deserve that! He's an abuser! If given the Chance, I would warn her again!