Detachment from uBPD daughter ~

[Eyeamme]

I have been soul searching and really working on myself for the last 6 months.  I have been working hard to identify what MY faults in the relationship with my uBPD 34yo daughter.  I also have been identifying and forgiving my own mother.  I am working on detaching from my daughter but I have figured out that I may be holding off doing that because once I detach it is for good.  I am having such a hard time with radical acceptance.  Is this the hardest part of the journey?  I can't let go.

[HappyChappy]

Hi Eyeamme.

I’m so sorry to hear of your struggle. If it’s any conciliation it does sound like you’re heading in the right direct. I also found radical acceptance as sticking point for me, realising that it takes time and practice is what helped me. Bit like riding a bicycle, if we’re in the thinking consciously about it phases it’s not worked yet,  once we’ve practiced it become natural and sinks into our subconscious  (i.e. our instinctive feelings ). Here’s a link that may help:

Radical Acceptance for family members

Keep at it, I’m sure you’ll get there, just a question of how long it takes.

[Eyeamme]

Thanks Happy! I will keep working on it.  It feels so much like a death to me.  I lost my dad when I was 23 and it feels like that.  I feel like I am in mourning and after 6 months of it I feel like I need to let go of the grief.  I am working so hard on it. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Sometimes it feels like no one can hear me.  I feel too tired to metaphorically yell what I am trying to say.

[Kwamina]

Hi Eyeamme,

We can hear you  I am sorry you are struggling so much with this situation. Acceptance definitely is hard, in fact it's what I struggle with most. In my case particularly the acceptance of the past and how that affected me and shaped my life then and now.

I think what is also extra hard for you is that you have been here before with your daughter. You already experienced a period of NC with her but later reconnected with her. To then have to go through it again is very hard indeed. Do you also think that this being the second time of this happening is making it extra hard for you right now?

Perhaps it can help to think of it as not necessarily letting go of your daughter forever, but more like letting go of the idea that things could or should be different in the current moment. We cannot change the reality of how things are right now which is tough enough. Not accepting this reality only makes things even harder and can lead to frustration and other negative emotions. So perhaps thinking of it as letting go of the current moment without necessarily letting go of the possibility of future moments with your daughter, is something that can help you with acceptance. How does this sound to you?

Take care

[Eyeamme]

I can't believe I am going to say this but I am.  I am scared that she WILL contact me.  I just want to have the rest of my life happy. 

I will never let this happen to me again.  If she talks to me again I will validate and just stand strong.

[HappyChappy]

I can't believe I am going to say this but I am.  I am scared that she WILL contact me.  I just want to have the rest of my life happy. 

I will never let this happen to me again.  If she talks to me again I will validate and just stand strong.

Sounds like a good plan to me.

[Kwamina]

If she talks to me again I will validate and just stand strong.

Validation and boundaries are two of the most important concepts described on this site. What you say here relates to both.

Dealing with verbal abuse and going through cycles of NC can really take it's toll on you and therefor I do believe it is advisable to take steps to protect your well-being. This does not have to mean closing the door to your daughter, just that you prepare yourself for what might come through that door. Based on what you say here I think you are leaving the door open for your daughter, yet are closing the door to further verbal abuse and the pain of going through NC again after re-connecting. The tools and resources such as validation and boundaries can help with that. Sometimes it might seem that validation and boundaries are two opposite extremes, but in reality I think they go hand in hand. Validating another while not losing sight of your own well-being by setting and enforcing boundaries.