finally moving on...I need help

[Yaryar87]

So after my ex with BPD broke up with me for probably the12th time I have decided to completely move on and not give another chance for a recycle if there was ever to be one.  I realize he was a great person however I can't be with someone who breaks up every single time there is a fight or disagreement. That to me is insanity.  I recognize that towards the end I reacted very angry and said hurtful things to him.  I do not blame myself because now looking back I see how stressful the relationship was, but I see that what I said was wrong and hurtful.  Now moving forward I was wondering if anyone knew of power couples on YouTube or any videos that help with dealing with issues and working them out in a productive way. I see a lot of articles saying to leave the relationship or how to identify the signs of abusive relationships but I'm looking for videos that help with couple issues and how to deal with them.  I feel like I was lacking the correct tools in how to deal with anger and hurt. Just knowing that your partner will break up with you over anything made me so paranoid.  Can anyone relate and does anyone know any good videos or articles?

[WoundedBibi]

What about the 'building healthy relationships' segment on this site?

[fromheeltoheal]

Now moving forward I was wondering if anyone knew of power couples on YouTube or any videos that help with dealing with issues and working them out in a productive way.

There are a lot of articles on this site that are very helpful, along with book reviews that can steer you to titles you may benefit from.

And also, just as importantly, is the interactive nature of these boards, unlike watching a video or reading an article, which is passive and one-way.  So are you ready to share what's going on with you right now?  A good area of focus might be why you went back to him 11 times, what was your reasoning for doing that?  There's surely growth to be found digging there.  Take care of you!

[once removed]

hi yaryar87 

i think the lessons (the links to the right and usually a sticky at the top of each board) on each board teach great relationship skills. have you had a chance to read through them?

[Yaryar87]

Thanks I never thought to look on this board, the lessons were actually very helpful.  I guess the reason why I went back 12 times was because I thought I was at fault.  The things I would get mad at I wasn't at fault, i.e. Him talking to strippers, or leaving me stranded because I told him he's drinking too much.  I grew up in an abusive home.  My younger sibling would physically hit me if I didn't do what she said.  The things I was being punished for were things like leaving a dish in the sink.  My mother and family basically said im the older one so I have to take the abuse and figure out ways to not get her mad.  That's the only way I was given to cope.  So I guess when he's mad or angry I take the blame upon myself.  Telling him I was wrong even though I knew I wasn't relieved my anxiety.  It was as if having his approval and reconciliation meant no more harm or problems.  But of course some other drama would happen and I he would break up with me.  One time it was because I disagreed on something we were joking about.  Because I had my own opinion he decided to break up with me.  I now look back and see how crazy that was and how crazy my childhood was.  I guess in my selfish way getting back with him provided me relief of the anxiety that surrounds feeling blame and guilt over what they said you did wrong.  I assume it might be codependency.  I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like so I let things slide.  I have immense anxiety with people because as my sister who was never predictable with her abuse so I never knew when I would get punched hit or humiliated in front of others.  Therefore when I would get ignored by my ex immense anxiety and hatred would stir up in me and I would be so stressed which would affect my relationship.  Neither of us were wrong we were trying to love the only way we were taught.  Did we do wrong things yes.  But I've come to terms that I did not deserve to be left behind over any mistake I made.  People are going to make mistakes you don't just break up with them over any mistake. 

[WoundedBibi]

Maybe reading the thread "why do they break up" will give you some further insight.

Being ignored, getting the silent treatment, him expecting me to read his mind, him hitting on other girls to punish me, it was one major anxiety run. I so know what you mean by that. And it is reminiscent of my FOO (family of origin).

Sometimes I wish I could redo myself, like a cake you get to bake again. Without traumatized emotionally unavailable or immature parents, without codependency, without all the sensitivity. Without a body that falls apart.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Yaryar, Think you are on to something.  No, you didn't deserve to be treated that way.  One thing I have found helpful is the concept of loving and accepting oneself.  It sounds easy, but it's hard.  Can you really say that you love yourself?  If you are like me, maybe not.  Yet learning to love oneself means learning that you care too much about yourself to ever allow yourself to be abused again.  That's a good starting point, in my view.

LuckyJim

[fromheeltoheal]

I guess the reason why I went back 12 times was because I thought I was at fault. 

I grew up in an abusive home. 

I now look back and see how crazy that was and how crazy my childhood was.

And there's the gift right there.  Borderlines will make everything your fault, because they have to, and it can be very helpful to dig now and see where you might have been at "fault" for something, distinguish that from his crap coming at you, and own your stuff and let go of the rest.  You sound like you have good awareness looking there, and how it ties into your upbringing, and here comes the growth!  I'm sorry you're going through that Yar, it is very painful, but things that are worth it are rarely easy, and you haven't had your best days yet, they're in your bright future and you're headed that way, just keep going.  Take care of you!

[Survivingher]

Geez,   i relate.  everytime was fought it was a breakup and an excuse to cheat. pain pain pain.    heres a good link i found on toxic relationship dynamics.  www.kristinsnowdenmft.com/toxic-relationships

[Yaryar87]

Maybe reading the thread "why do they break up" will give you some further insight.

Being ignored, getting the silent treatment, him expecting me to read his mind, him hitting on other girls to punish me, it was one major anxiety run. I so know what you mean by that. And it is reminiscent of my FOO (family of origin).

Sometimes I wish I could redo myself, like a cake you get to bake again. Without traumatized emotionally unavailable or immature parents, without codependency, without all the sensitivity. Without a body that falls apart.

My ex did the same thing, I really hated the silent treatment it gave me so much anxiety. I wish as well I didn't have to grow up the way I did.  At first it was embarrassing to admit that I have to work so hard on myself because of what happened in the past.  But I guess I just try and be grateful for the opportunity to better myself, for this board that has helped me grow and for the break up because it opened my eyes to something that was wrong Inside of me... .Codependency

[Yaryar87]

Thank you to everyone who posted and for all your questions that made me think and dig deeper as to why I was facing these issues.  I checked the link and it was insightful.  I hope one day we will all be in healthy relationships.  This board has provided me with so many answers so in a way meeting my ex was a bigger blessing than I thought.

[Lucky Jim]

Right, a BPD r/s provides a crucible for growth, which is a good thing.  LJ