First date with a new person since the discard

[sweet tooth]

Hello, all. I was discarded March 1st. My T suggested I try online dating to meet new people and I went on a date last night with a new person.  I almost backed out.  On my ride to the place where I was meeting the person I became so nervous I almost turned around and went home.  I was pre-occupied with my ex-uBPDgf. I kept telling myself how I wished I was meeting her where I was going to instead of this new person.  I went through with it, though. 

The date itself went okay.  The woman was nice, somewhat attractive, and I had a decent enough time. However, I realized pretty early on that it wouldn't go anywhere.  I found her kind of annoying and she wasn't very intelligent.  It's just a personal preference, but I need an intelligent woman.  I would go crazy with a ditzy person.  In fact, that's been the main reason why I ever broke it off with somebody. 

Throughout the date I kept thinking about my ex: how I never had as much with anybody as I did with her, how much I miss her, how I wish things would have worked out or ended differently. At the end of the night the person messaged me telling me that they had a good time.  I couldn't lead her on. I tried to let her down gently by telling her that I was still pre-occupied with my ex and I didn't think that it would work out. 

I feel better in certain ways now and worse in others.  The date was an ego-boost to me, but it also confirmed how much I miss my ex.  After all the nonsense, I would still take her back. I cried part of the way home (a 40 minute ride). 

[WoundedBibi]

Hello, all. I was discarded March 1st. My T suggested I try online dating to meet new people and I went on a date last night with a new person.  I almost backed out.  On my ride to the place where I was meeting the person I became so nervous I almost turned around and went home.  I was pre-occupied with my ex-uBPDgf. I kept telling myself how I wished I was meeting her where I was going to instead of this new person.  I went through with it, though. 

The date itself went okay.  The woman was nice, somewhat attractive, and I had a decent enough time. However, I realized pretty early on that it wouldn't go anywhere.  I found her kind of annoying and she wasn't very intelligent.  It's just a personal preference, but I need an intelligent woman.  I would go crazy with a ditzy person.  In fact, that's been the main reason why I ever broke it off with somebody. 

Throughout the date I kept thinking about my ex: how I never had as much with anybody as I did with her, how much I miss her, how I wish things would have worked out or ended differently. At the end of the night the person messaged me telling me that they had a good time.  I couldn't lead her on. I tried to let her down gently by telling her that I was still pre-occupied with my ex and I didn't think that it would work out. 

I feel better in certain ways now and worse in others.  The date was an ego-boost to me, but it also confirmed how much I miss my ex.  After all the nonsense, I would still take her back. I cried part of the way home (a 40 minute ride). 

Honestly, I wish that people (T's, members here, friends, whomever) would quit giving the advice to date while in the aftermath. In my view it is the cr*ppiest advice EVER and can lead to only one of the following scenarios:

- it's an ok date but you keep comparing to your ex and your ex looks awesome in comparison (see above)

- it's an awful date and your ex looks awesome in comparison

- you're a codependent or have other unresolved issues and your date is another pwPD, next disaster lining up because you miss the 

- you're a codependent or have other unresolved issues and your date is not someone with a PD so you're not attracted to them and they are not to you

- you're still working on getting over your ex and going on a date makes you so nervous you fff up whether the other party is a 'normal' person or not

I think we have to be wayyyyyyy further down the road of recovery to even be able to handle going on a date let alone have the date go anywhere that isn't unhealthy.

And after reading on this board that a lot of NONs find their pwBPD online I'm NEVER going online dating. Yes, the other half find them through work and I need to stay away from that in future, point taken...

[sweet tooth]

Hello, all. I was discarded March 1st. My T suggested I try online dating to meet new people and I went on a date last night with a new person.  I almost backed out.  On my ride to the place where I was meeting the person I became so nervous I almost turned around and went home.  I was pre-occupied with my ex-uBPDgf. I kept telling myself how I wished I was meeting her where I was going to instead of this new person.  I went through with it, though. 

The date itself went okay.  The woman was nice, somewhat attractive, and I had a decent enough time. However, I realized pretty early on that it wouldn't go anywhere.  I found her kind of annoying and she wasn't very intelligent.  It's just a personal preference, but I need an intelligent woman.  I would go crazy with a ditzy person.  In fact, that's been the main reason why I ever broke it off with somebody. 

Throughout the date I kept thinking about my ex: how I never had as much with anybody as I did with her, how much I miss her, how I wish things would have worked out or ended differently. At the end of the night the person messaged me telling me that they had a good time.  I couldn't lead her on. I tried to let her down gently by telling her that I was still pre-occupied with my ex and I didn't think that it would work out. 

I feel better in certain ways now and worse in others.  The date was an ego-boost to me, but it also confirmed how much I miss my ex.  After all the nonsense, I would still take her back. I cried part of the way home (a 40 minute ride). 

Honestly, I wish that people (T's, members here, friends, whomever) would quit giving the advice to date while in the aftermath. In my view it is the cr*ppiest advice EVER and can lead to only one of the following scenarios:

- it's an ok date but you keep comparing to your ex and your ex looks awesome in comparison (see above)

- it's an awful date and your ex looks awesome in comparison

- you're a codependent or have other unresolved issues and your date is another pwPD, next disaster lining up because you miss the 

- you're a codependent or have other unresolved issues and your date is not someone with a PD so you're not attracted to them and they are not to you

- you're still working on getting over your ex and going on a date makes you so nervous you fff up whether the other party is a 'normal' person or not

I think we have to be wayyyyyyy further down the road of recovery to even be able to handle going on a date let alone have the date go anywhere that isn't unhealthy.

And after reading on this board that a lot of NONs find their pwBPD online I'm NEVER going online dating. Yes, the other half find them through work and I need to stay away from that in future, point taken...

I found this person on Match. I also found my ex's profile... .I looked at it once for the hell of it and then blocked her.  I found it interesting that the first line said, "I have a lot to offer in a relationship," yet during the entire length of our interactions and in the fight that led up to the discard she said she didn't want a relationship with anybody... .

[sweet tooth]

Also, I like your insight into the situation.  I understand why my T suggested I do it.  It was therapeutic in certain respects and it proved that I'm not ready to move on. It wasn't a or traumatizing experience and I'm glad he suggested it.  It was better than sitting home alone and sulking.

[GreenEyedMonster]

My first date after the discard looked and felt a lot like yours.  The guy ended up being a bit of a loser -- living in his parents' basement, no friends, made me pay for him, showed up a half hour late because he refused to pay for parking in the city.  It was no great loss on my part, but in the end it felt more discouraging than anything else, making me feel I had lost something great with my ex.

I gave it some more time, though, and saw some people on a more friendly basis.  I have since been on some decent dates, but it's true that if you are still hoping for something with your ex, all you will do is pick at the flaws of the new person.  I would suggest going to things like social mixers instead.  Talk to new people, but do so with no expectations.  In the meantime, work on getting your brain chemistry level again after the breakup.  One day, when things are right, one of the new people you meet will form a connection.

[sweet tooth]

My first date after the discard looked and felt a lot like yours.  The guy ended up being a bit of a loser -- living in his parents' basement, no friends, made me pay for him, showed up a half hour late because he refused to pay for parking in the city.  It was no great loss on my part, but in the end it felt more discouraging than anything else, making me feel I had lost something great with my ex.

I gave it some more time, though, and saw some people on a more friendly basis.  I have since been on some decent dates, but it's true that if you are still hoping for something with your ex, all you will do is pick at the flaws of the new person.  I would suggest going to things like social mixers instead.  Talk to new people, but do so with no expectations.  In the meantime, work on getting your brain chemistry level again after the breakup.  One day, when things are right, one of the new people you meet will form a connection.

What is a "social mixer?"

[GreenEyedMonster]

My first date after the discard looked and felt a lot like yours.  The guy ended up being a bit of a loser -- living in his parents' basement, no friends, made me pay for him, showed up a half hour late because he refused to pay for parking in the city.  It was no great loss on my part, but in the end it felt more discouraging than anything else, making me feel I had lost something great with my ex.

I gave it some more time, though, and saw some people on a more friendly basis.  I have since been on some decent dates, but it's true that if you are still hoping for something with your ex, all you will do is pick at the flaws of the new person.  I would suggest going to things like social mixers instead.  Talk to new people, but do so with no expectations.  In the meantime, work on getting your brain chemistry level again after the breakup.  One day, when things are right, one of the new people you meet will form a connection.

What is a "social mixer?"

Things like Meetup.com events, where strangers do things like going to movies together, going out to eat, kayaking, bowling, etc.  Sometimes other types of communities host these events, or online dating services.  I think it's best to go to things where there isn't necessarily an expectation of finding your One True Love.  I think that expecting to find someone who can fill that hole in our lives is where things go wrong.  Finding a new group of friends or some people who share a common interest is a healthier place to start.  If nothing else, you'll have something to fill some of your spare time.  If you're lucky, you'll meet someone new.  I met the person who became my next romantic interest at one of these events just days after the breakup, but didn't go on a date with him until months later, when I had a better idea of his personality.

[sweet tooth]

My first date after the discard looked and felt a lot like yours.  The guy ended up being a bit of a loser -- living in his parents' basement, no friends, made me pay for him, showed up a half hour late because he refused to pay for parking in the city.  It was no great loss on my part, but in the end it felt more discouraging than anything else, making me feel I had lost something great with my ex.

I gave it some more time, though, and saw some people on a more friendly basis.  I have since been on some decent dates, but it's true that if you are still hoping for something with your ex, all you will do is pick at the flaws of the new person.  I would suggest going to things like social mixers instead.  Talk to new people, but do so with no expectations.  In the meantime, work on getting your brain chemistry level again after the breakup.  One day, when things are right, one of the new people you meet will form a connection.

What is a "social mixer?"

Things like Meetup.com events, where strangers do things like going to movies together, going out to eat, kayaking, bowling, etc.  Sometimes other types of communities host these events, or online dating services.  I think it's best to go to things where there isn't necessarily an expectation of finding your One True Love.  I think that expecting to find someone who can fill that hole in our lives is where things go wrong.  Finding a new group of friends or some people who share a common interest is a healthier place to start.  If nothing else, you'll have something to fill some of your spare time.  If you're lucky, you'll meet someone new.  I met the person who became my next romantic interest at one of these events just days after the breakup, but didn't go on a date with him until months later, when I had a better idea of his personality.

I'm weary of stuff like that.  My good friend is involved with Meetup.  I indirectly met the uBPD person through it and a decent amount of the people I saw in there were very weird.

[GreenEyedMonster]

My first date after the discard looked and felt a lot like yours.  The guy ended up being a bit of a loser -- living in his parents' basement, no friends, made me pay for him, showed up a half hour late because he refused to pay for parking in the city.  It was no great loss on my part, but in the end it felt more discouraging than anything else, making me feel I had lost something great with my ex.

I gave it some more time, though, and saw some people on a more friendly basis.  I have since been on some decent dates, but it's true that if you are still hoping for something with your ex, all you will do is pick at the flaws of the new person.  I would suggest going to things like social mixers instead.  Talk to new people, but do so with no expectations.  In the meantime, work on getting your brain chemistry level again after the breakup.  One day, when things are right, one of the new people you meet will form a connection.

What is a "social mixer?"

Things like Meetup.com events, where strangers do things like going to movies together, going out to eat, kayaking, bowling, etc.  Sometimes other types of communities host these events, or online dating services.  I think it's best to go to things where there isn't necessarily an expectation of finding your One True Love.  I think that expecting to find someone who can fill that hole in our lives is where things go wrong.  Finding a new group of friends or some people who share a common interest is a healthier place to start.  If nothing else, you'll have something to fill some of your spare time.  If you're lucky, you'll meet someone new.  I met the person who became my next romantic interest at one of these events just days after the breakup, but didn't go on a date with him until months later, when I had a better idea of his personality.

I'm weary of stuff like that.  My good friend is involved with Meetup.  I indirectly met the uBPD person through it and a decent amount of the people I saw in there were very weird.

It's going to vary by the group that you join and your area.  A lot of the people who join where I live are just folks who have moved for a job.  The thing about dating, though, is that you will be in a position where you have to make almost instant decisions about how you feel about someone.  I found that impossible after my breakup.  No one seemed interesting because no one could fill that giant hole in my life.  I found that I had to give *myself* an interesting life before I could really look at other people again, so that I wasn't looking for someone to fill in the missing pieces.  My experiences with online dating, on the other hand, have been thoroughly awful, with ALL of the people who have talked to me on there seeming unequivocally disordered in some way.

[peace74]

Honestly, I wish that people (T's, members here, friends, whomever) would quit giving the advice to date while in the aftermath. In my view it is the cr*ppiest advice EVER and can lead to only one of the following scenarios:

- it's an ok date but you keep comparing to your ex and your ex looks awesome in comparison (see above)

- it's an awful date and your ex looks awesome in comparison

- you're a codependent or have other unresolved issues and your date is another pwPD, next disaster lining up because you miss the  

- you're a codependent or have other unresolved issues and your date is not someone with a PD so you're not attracted to them and they are not to you

- you're still working on getting over your ex and going on a date makes you so nervous you fff up whether the other party is a 'normal' person or not

I think we have to be wayyyyyyy further down the road of recovery to even be able to handle going on a date let alone have the date go anywhere that isn't unhealthy.

And after reading on this board that a lot of NONs find their pwBPD online I'm NEVER going online dating. Yes, the other half find them through work and I need to stay away from that in future, point taken...

I agree.  When my first BPD husband discarded me after a couple months I started going out on dates.  I also was going to the bars a lot.  This did make me compare everyone to him.  It made me feel worse most of the time.  The only time it didn't is when I met my current BPD husband.  

I didn't take the time to reflect and heal.  I didn't take the time to realize my issues cause his were so blatantly worse.  All this accomplished was me repeating history.  I am more mature and wise and I have no interest in pursuing any relationship until I am whole and healthy.

[Mars22]

Sweet tooth -

I too went right onto OKC dating online and got some interests but, a beautiful women reached out to me, single mom. marriage counselor, yogi, Buddhist - 38. This women was a superb healthy human being.

The first date went so well!. We firmly embraced at the end of it and a half hour later she was texting me telling what a great time she had. So, couple days later i made plans to meet her for the second date. All great signs. I was happy yes but, perhaps should have been more, in retrospect.

Now, what typically happens on the 2nd date for most people if there is a connection is you begin to show some sort of physical intimacy; touching, holding hands, flirting, walking her to her car and maybe have even kissing quickly goodnight. right?  Well guess what?   Well, this was 2 weeks after my breakup and it wasn't that i was thinking about my ex the all the while. But,  i was rather not fully able to open up and express my love and affections for another person quite yet. In my head i knew i was doing this but, any attempt would have felt awkward and uncomfortable. And, being a buddhist she picked up on this.

So, there is some truth to waiting i feel for both your goods. Its also just not fair to the women who are looking for serious healthy minded [unattached] lovers. Only you know when your ready. But certainly, they [good women] once again deserve your full attention and perhaps in there lies the issue. We ALL both need to be fully grounded and present in the moment.

We must tap into that inner light within them and they must be able to see ours shining through as well.

I too am starting to look forward to that day again.

[GoingBack2OC]

I think jumping into the dating scene earlier than you are truly ready to do so, can be a fatal mistake.

Secondly, and I only speak from my experience... .but my exGFuBPD I met on match. While I loved her so much, and still do, it didnt work out and was a tough ride where issues simply could never be resolved.

In terms of the other girls I dated from match at the time I met my ex, my take away was the site was a hornets nest of NPDs.

I dated a few really hot girls from the site. But my general feeling was "ok these girls are hot, yet were not able to find partners/boyfriends within their own social circles--- why is that?".

I mean, I was on match because:  I own my own business, so nearly all the people I see work for me. I also didnt want to date anyone in my industry, because I at the time was planning to get out of my industry due to not liking it one bit.

So my "circle" was sort of closed loop.

But really attractive girls... .typically don't have a hard time finding a date... .so in a way I always wondered "why" they were online... .Damaged goods? I dunno.

[sweet tooth]

I think jumping into the dating scene earlier than you are truly ready to do so, can be a fatal mistake.

Secondly, and I only speak from my experience... .but my exGFuBPD I met on match. While I loved her so much, and still do, it didnt work out and was a tough ride where issues simply could never be resolved.

In terms of the other girls I dated from match at the time I met my ex, my take away was the site was a hornets nest of NPDs.

I dated a few really hot girls from the site. But my general feeling was "ok these girls are hot, yet were not able to find partners/boyfriends within their own social circles--- why is that?".

I mean, I was on match because:  I own my own business, so nearly all the people I see work for me. I also didnt want to date anyone in my industry, because I at the time was planning to get out of my industry due to not liking it one bit.

So my "circle" was sort of closed loop.

But really attractive girls... .typically don't have a hard time finding a date... .so in a way I always wondered "why" they were online... .Damaged goods? I dunno.

I am emotionally paralyzed. I have a hard time trusting people. Even before I'm able to trust them, I have a hard time meeting them to begin with. Like you said, online dating is risky business.

I'm to the point where I either want to get back with my exBPD or just give up on relationships entirely. They've been heartbreaking and and caused me a myriad of unnecessary anxiety, emotional pain, rejection, ridicule, loss of self-esteem, confusion, etc. It's like continually sticking your hand in a hornet's nest and expecting to get an ice cream cone. Why bother?

[WoundedBibi]

I think jumping into the dating scene earlier than you are truly ready to do so, can be a fatal mistake.

Secondly, and I only speak from my experience... .but my exGFuBPD I met on match. While I loved her so much, and still do, it didnt work out and was a tough ride where issues simply could never be resolved.

In terms of the other girls I dated from match at the time I met my ex, my take away was the site was a hornets nest of NPDs.

I dated a few really hot girls from the site. But my general feeling was "ok these girls are hot, yet were not able to find partners/boyfriends within their own social circles--- why is that?".

I mean, I was on match because:  I own my own business, so nearly all the people I see work for me. I also didnt want to date anyone in my industry, because I at the time was planning to get out of my industry due to not liking it one bit.

So my "circle" was sort of closed loop.

But really attractive girls... .typically don't have a hard time finding a date... .so in a way I always wondered "why" they were online... .Damaged goods? I dunno.

I am emotionally paralyzed. I have a hard time trusting people. Even before I'm able to trust them, I have a hard time meeting them to begin with. Like you said, online dating is risky business.

I'm to the point where I either want to get back with my exBPD or just give up on relationships entirely. They've been heartbreaking and and caused me a myriad of unnecessary anxiety, emotional pain, rejection, ridicule, loss of self-esteem, confusion, etc. It's like continually sticking your hand in a hornet's nest and expecting to get an ice cream cone. Why bother?

And in getting back with your exBPD you're expecting something else than heartbreak, anxiety, emotional pain, rejection, ridicule, loss of self-esteem and confusion?

[GreenEyedMonster]

There is hope.

I am 8 months out now and just had a really nice dinner with a great guy I've been casually seeing for a few months.  He knows what happened with my exBPD and has been very patient and considerate of my boundaries.  I dated him a little right after the breakup and just couldn't feel good about anything, but I guess he's sort of held out for me all this time. 

My first few dates after the breakup were AWFUL.  Terrible.  Hopeless.  I went crawling back to my previous ex, begging for him to take me back.

I promise, though, it does get better with time.  I think the key is to try to put yourself out there slowly and avoid competitive situations.  Make friends first, then see where things go from there.

[sweet tooth]

I think jumping into the dating scene earlier than you are truly ready to do so, can be a fatal mistake.

Secondly, and I only speak from my experience... .but my exGFuBPD I met on match. While I loved her so much, and still do, it didnt work out and was a tough ride where issues simply could never be resolved.

In terms of the other girls I dated from match at the time I met my ex, my take away was the site was a hornets nest of NPDs.

I dated a few really hot girls from the site. But my general feeling was "ok these girls are hot, yet were not able to find partners/boyfriends within their own social circles--- why is that?".

I mean, I was on match because:  I own my own business, so nearly all the people I see work for me. I also didnt want to date anyone in my industry, because I at the time was planning to get out of my industry due to not liking it one bit.

So my "circle" was sort of closed loop.

But really attractive girls... .typically don't have a hard time finding a date... .so in a way I always wondered "why" they were online... .Damaged goods? I dunno.

I am emotionally paralyzed. I have a hard time trusting people. Even before I'm able to trust them, I have a hard time meeting them to begin with. Like you said, online dating is risky business.

I'm to the point where I either want to get back with my exBPD or just give up on relationships entirely. They've been heartbreaking and and caused me a myriad of unnecessary anxiety, emotional pain, rejection, ridicule, loss of self-esteem, confusion, etc. It's like continually sticking your hand in a hornet's nest and expecting to get an ice cream cone. Why bother?

And in getting back with your exBPD you're expecting something else than heartbreak, anxiety, emotional pain, rejection, ridicule, loss of self-esteem and confusion?

Probably not, but I least I would know what I'm getting. And I genuinely enjoy spending time with her, even if she does have a lot of issues.

[Mars22]

I second WoundedBibi on this one — Reaching back out only will set you back. It's possibly one of the most difficult urge to not give into but, we non's must remain No Contact.

It's been 17 days since I sent my this email to my uBPDx >> https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=292884.0

Admittedly, today has been really tough for me. As, I went back to looking at old photos and texts, and emails of when things were both good and bad. I even checked her FB page. [Ugh, I'm so dang mad at myself]. And, it all brought on back a flood of confusion and sorrow. I'm learning though... .we have to be stronger. Its about us, not them anymore. It was always about them.

GreenEyedMonster is right. Initially its hard to start dating again but, right now perhaps you and me both need to work on our self-esteem. And, learn to love ourselves again. That's the one aspect that my xuBPDgf did not have. She DID NOT and, from what I'm learning COULD NOT love herself so how then was I suppose to love her? Wait, if she was 'mirroring' me then, doesn't that mean I was loving myself the whole time? Whoa.

Also, one thing that helped me as well. Try and get out of these type forums and read about what healthy relationships should be like, if you feel up to it. As, sometimes I find myself getting so heavy in here reading about all her unhealthy traits. It's refreshing to read about what healthy people look like. It helped me anyway. I am however grateful for my newly found family here. It's really made all the difference and I will always be back here.

[sweet tooth]

I second WoundedBibi on this one — Reaching back out only will set you back. It's possibly one of the most difficult urge to not give into but, we non's must remain No Contact.

It's been 17 days since I sent my this email to my uBPDx >> https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=292884.0

Admittedly, today has been really tough for me. As, I went back to looking at old photos and texts, and emails of when things were both good and bad. I even checked her FB page. [Ugh, I'm so dang mad at myself]. And, it all brought on back a flood of confusion and sorrow. I'm learning though... .we have to be stronger. Its about us, not them anymore. It was always about them.

GreenEyedMonster is right. Initially its hard to start dating again but, right now perhaps you and me both need to work on our self-esteem. And, learn to love ourselves again. That's the one aspect that my xuBPDgf did not have. She DID NOT and, from what I'm learning COULD NOT love herself so how then was I suppose to love her? Wait, if she was 'mirroring' me then, doesn't that mean I was loving myself the whole time? Whoa.

Also, one thing that helped me as well. Try and get out of these type forums and read about what healthy relationships should be like, if you feel up to it. As, sometimes I find myself getting so heavy in here reading about all her unhealthy traits. It's refreshing to read about what healthy people look like. It helped me anyway. I am however grateful for my newly found family here. It's really made all the difference and I will always be back here.

I'm not going to contact my ex even though it's very hard not to. If she contacts me, that's a different story.

[Mars22]

Agreed.

[WoundedBibi]

I think jumping into the dating scene earlier than you are truly ready to do so, can be a fatal mistake.

Secondly, and I only speak from my experience... .but my exGFuBPD I met on match. While I loved her so much, and still do, it didnt work out and was a tough ride where issues simply could never be resolved.

In terms of the other girls I dated from match at the time I met my ex, my take away was the site was a hornets nest of NPDs.

I dated a few really hot girls from the site. But my general feeling was "ok these girls are hot, yet were not able to find partners/boyfriends within their own social circles--- why is that?".

I mean, I was on match because:  I own my own business, so nearly all the people I see work for me. I also didnt want to date anyone in my industry, because I at the time was planning to get out of my industry due to not liking it one bit.

So my "circle" was sort of closed loop.

But really attractive girls... .typically don't have a hard time finding a date... .so in a way I always wondered "why" they were online... .Damaged goods? I dunno.

I am emotionally paralyzed. I have a hard time trusting people. Even before I'm able to trust them, I have a hard time meeting them to begin with. Like you said, online dating is risky business.

I'm to the point where I either want to get back with my exBPD or just give up on relationships entirely. They've been heartbreaking and and caused me a myriad of unnecessary anxiety, emotional pain, rejection, ridicule, loss of self-esteem, confusion, etc. It's like continually sticking your hand in a hornet's nest and expecting to get an ice cream cone. Why bother?

And in getting back with your exBPD you're expecting something else than heartbreak, anxiety, emotional pain, rejection, ridicule, loss of self-esteem and confusion?

Probably not, but I least I would know what I'm getting. And I genuinely enjoy spending time with her, even if she does have a lot of issues.

Not probably not, for sure not. With your ex you WILL get heartbreak, anxiety, emotional pain, rejection, ridicule, loss of self-esteem and confusion, and you will break up again.

Why are you even thinking of dating again? Didn't you break up in March? What about just focusing on you, healing from this breakup, from this relationship, learning how to be happy with just you and then just seeing who you will meet.

And not via online dating. But by doing something, taking a class in something with others. I dunno, pottery, cooking, woodworking. Or through friends. Get to know someone before you think about a relationship.

It feels to me you're running away from feeling pain or from yourself by diving into a relationship. Any relationship. Even with your ex. As long as you're not alone. No offense, but this is exactly what a pwBPD does, fill the void with someone or something.

[GreenEyedMonster]

GreenEyedMonster is right. Initially its hard to start dating again but, right now perhaps you and me both need to work on our self-esteem. And, learn to love ourselves again. That's the one aspect that my xuBPDgf did not have. She DID NOT and, from what I'm learning COULD NOT love herself so how then was I suppose to love her? Wait, if she was 'mirroring' me then, doesn't that mean I was loving myself the whole time? Whoa.

I would suggest that getting out of a slump takes a bit of strategy.  I will tell you one thing for certain.  You will not, while still chemically addicted to your exBPD, go on a date and feel magical chemistry with anyone else.  It just will NOT happen.  So if you are expecting to just show up like that and have someone else fill the giant hole in your heart, you will be sorely disappointed.  You have to celebrate the fact that someone was interested in you enough to go out with you, expect nothing, and move on.  I did it a couple times and it ended up working out in my favor.  It did not get my over my ex.  :)ating someone else will not fix that problem for you.  It just serves as a footnote in your situation that there IS a future and that you ARE desirable and that you WILL eventually find someone else.

Like I said, I blew off someone decent during that time because I was totally emotionally unavailable.  He waited around for me.  Hmmm.

My suggestion is to find people with similar interests and make friends.  Join a community theater.  Volunteer.  Go to Meetups.  Join a board game club or a church group.  Remind yourself that you are in control of having a life, not your ex.  Prove to yourself that you can do the things you want to do without that person.  Prove to yourself that they have nothing you need anymore.  It's funny, because when you are out proving that, you might just find someone you really like.

[sweet tooth]

I'm tired of lying to myself. I'm tired of pretending that I don't miss her when I think of her multiple times a day. I'm tired of looking at other women, talking to other women, spending time with other women, and thinking, "X wasn't like this. I wish I was with X rather than with Y."

I miss her. I don't care if people judge me for it. Yes, she wasn't perfect. Yes, she has a lot of issues. Yes, she's confusing and inconsistent. However, when she was at her best she brought out the best version of myself. When she was at her best she treated me better than any woman has other than (some of) my own family. I had more fun with her than I ever had with ANYBODY. I miss chatting with her nightly and how she would make me smile.

Go ahead. Call me a fool, or crazy, or whatever. At least I'm being honest with myself.

[GoingBack2OC]

I think jumping into the dating scene earlier than you are truly ready to do so, can be a fatal mistake.

Secondly, and I only speak from my experience... .but my exGFuBPD I met on match. While I loved her so much, and still do, it didnt work out and was a tough ride where issues simply could never be resolved.

In terms of the other girls I dated from match at the time I met my ex, my take away was the site was a hornets nest of NPDs.

I dated a few really hot girls from the site. But my general feeling was "ok these girls are hot, yet were not able to find partners/boyfriends within their own social circles--- why is that?".

I mean, I was on match because:  I own my own business, so nearly all the people I see work for me. I also didnt want to date anyone in my industry, because I at the time was planning to get out of my industry due to not liking it one bit.

So my "circle" was sort of closed loop.

But really attractive girls... .typically don't have a hard time finding a date... .so in a way I always wondered "why" they were online... .Damaged goods? I dunno.

I am emotionally paralyzed. I have a hard time trusting people. Even before I'm able to trust them, I have a hard time meeting them to begin with. Like you said, online dating is risky business.

I'm to the point where I either want to get back with my exBPD or just give up on relationships entirely. They've been heartbreaking and and caused me a myriad of unnecessary anxiety, emotional pain, rejection, ridicule, loss of self-esteem, confusion, etc. It's like continually sticking your hand in a hornet's nest and expecting to get an ice cream cone. Why bother?

Online dating is extremely risky, just like you stated.

The reason, I found this to be true, or felt that it was "dangerous waters", is that everyone I had ever dated prior to the one time I tried Match and met my ex is I had met them naturally, through friends, or were friends with them first, so here's this:

Our social circles, our own circle of friends, co-workers, contacts, we act as a barrier of protection. People in our circle of friends, are pre-screened. They have passed the test.

I don't know if any studies have been done, but I am fairly certain that within the Match dot com "population" of members, there is a highly disproportionate level of:

Sociopaths, Psychopaths, BPDs, NPDs, HPDs, the list goes on.

I really believe this. Because our friends act as guardian angels. People who dont hold up to our circle's standards dont become part of our circle.

These people, are the outcasts. For a reason. And where do they go to meet people to date... .

Match?

Dont throw in the towel however. You need to take a step back and try to remember you have more than the two options you stated. Get back with someone who will never fulfill your emotional needs, or give up on love.

You could give it some time, 6 months, see what you can accomplish. Learn something new. Play piano, a talent. Get in shape. Do something for you... .that you couldnt do or never had the time for while in a relationship- because relationships take time. A lot of time.

In the end, in 6 months, you will be missing your ex less. You will notice the resentment and hurt will have faded. You will have met new people. And you will have done something for you.

People can be trusted. I dated a lot of girls up until now, I'm 36. This last one, my ex, is the only girl I ever dated who I felt was a truly dishonest (pathological liar type), person. And I now, on the outset, just feel truly bad for her. It's not fixable. It will stay with her, and she will have problems. Maybe not now, but she will not be able to change and fool someone forever.

So focus on you. Get back to that person you were, the amazing person you were before all this happened. Then see if you really only have 2 options.

Time does heal. It just takes time. I hope things get better soon... .remember they can.

[GoingBack2OC]

I'm tired of lying to myself. I'm tired of pretending that I don't miss her when I think of her multiple times a day. I'm tired of looking at other women, talking to other women, spending time with other women, and thinking, "X wasn't like this. I wish I was with X rather than with Y."

I miss her. I don't care if people judge me for it. Yes, she wasn't perfect. Yes, she has a lot of issues. Yes, she's confusing and inconsistent. However, when she was at her best she brought out the best version of myself. When she was at her best she treated me better than any woman has other than (some of) my own family. I had more fun with her than I ever had with ANYBODY. I miss chatting with her nightly and how she would make me smile.

Go ahead. Call me a fool, or crazy, or whatever. At least I'm being honest with myself.

Sweet tooth, my ex, she is, simply put, takes first place for the person who has been the meanest, called me the worst names, done the cruelest things, hurt me the most - person - ever in my entire life.

And right now I do miss her. So very much. I still care about her.

I think a lot of it is that I had built up in my mind "what would be".

We dont just lose the person when we are dumped or a relationship fails. We lose all the hopes and dreams for the future we were planning on and counting on and working towards. So we in a sense feel lost, directionless.

This is natural, it hurts, I am hurting, but in time we regain our footing, we meet new people, and things happen, and our lives begin to take direction again.

You are not alone. The entire music industry writes only about lost love and heartbreak. 50% of marriages fail. I'd say only 1/3 of marriages that stay together are "truly" happy.

Love IS rare. But it can be found. Dont give up. Just give it time. Let yourself feel, cry, have bad days. Its part of the healing process.

[troisette]

It's a minefield.

Seven months no contact and I've met five blokes on line.

Two were very nice but not intelligent.

One interesting but I wasn't attracted to him. I wanted to be a friend. After three months he said he was besotted and delivered an ultimatum; a full-on relationship or nothing. I retreated.

Then a very interesting and intelligent man. But in the throes of divorce (so he said) and he love bombed me. I ran. He's still trying to contact me. Not often I meet someone as funny and talented but going with gut instinct and self-preservation.

Then a widower who is interesting and intelligent but gut feeling kicking in again... .not sure.

I agree it's best not to meet people online but at my age, in my sixties, it's not that easy. And I met my first husband when working with him. And met BPD through local connections.

I'm very aware that I'm still physically attracted to ex, despite every reason not to be. Including friends who say they don't know what I saw in him. But they'd say that about heroin too.

I need to meet other men, even if it's unsuccessful. I enjoy the company of witty, creative and intelligent men who are raconteurs... .I've never met an emotionally healthy one.   

[WoundedBibi]

I'm tired of lying to myself. I'm tired of pretending that I don't miss her when I think of her multiple times a day. I'm tired of looking at other women, talking to other women, spending time with other women, and thinking, "X wasn't like this. I wish I was with X rather than with Y."

I miss her. I don't care if people judge me for it. Yes, she wasn't perfect. Yes, she has a lot of issues. Yes, she's confusing and inconsistent. However, when she was at her best she brought out the best version of myself. When she was at her best she treated me better than any woman has other than (some of) my own family. I had more fun with her than I ever had with ANYBODY. I miss chatting with her nightly and how she would make me smile.

Go ahead. Call me a fool, or crazy, or whatever. At least I'm being honest with myself.

Missing her is part of the grieving. Same as when someone dies. There is nothing wrong with missing someone. You can't grieve the loss of the relationship if you skip that part.

Nobody here will judge you for it. Either we still miss our ex too or we at some point did.

But you're worth more. And what's wrong with being alone and bringing out the best version of you without another person? I think that is the gift this relationship can bring you, to be happy with YOU without needing someone else. So that when you meet someone they become an added bonus and not the stopper for your inner void.

[GoingBack2OC]

I'm tired of lying to myself. I'm tired of pretending that I don't miss her when I think of her multiple times a day. I'm tired of looking at other women, talking to other women, spending time with other women, and thinking, "X wasn't like this. I wish I was with X rather than with Y."

I miss her. I don't care if people judge me for it. Yes, she wasn't perfect. Yes, she has a lot of issues. Yes, she's confusing and inconsistent. However, when she was at her best she brought out the best version of myself. When she was at her best she treated me better than any woman has other than (some of) my own family. I had more fun with her than I ever had with ANYBODY. I miss chatting with her nightly and how she would make me smile.

Go ahead. Call me a fool, or crazy, or whatever. At least I'm being honest with myself.

Well perhaps I am going against my own wisdom and advice regarding online dating, but I've lined up a date, my first date, with a girl for tomorrow night.

Honestly regardless of what happens, it's a step in the right direction of meeting new people. Perhaps she will be awesome. She seems very cool in the messages we've exchanged online... .she's my type (a plus), so I feel why not.

The last time I was heartbroken 5+ years ago, I jumped online, and the first girl I met I ended up a few weeks later joining her in Hawaii with her friends on her pre-planned vacation. Totally random I know, but it broke me away from heartbreak, got my mind into a new place, and honestly, I had a great time with her and her friends. That was the first date... .

So by lining up this date; it's made me get up and off my a$$, get a haircut today, I'm going for a run in a bit. It's putting a little kick in my giddy up so to speak  

I'll let you all know how it goes!

PS. Why do they always choose bowling

[sweet tooth]

I'm tired of lying to myself. I'm tired of pretending that I don't miss her when I think of her multiple times a day. I'm tired of looking at other women, talking to other women, spending time with other women, and thinking, "X wasn't like this. I wish I was with X rather than with Y."

I miss her. I don't care if people judge me for it. Yes, she wasn't perfect. Yes, she has a lot of issues. Yes, she's confusing and inconsistent. However, when she was at her best she brought out the best version of myself. When she was at her best she treated me better than any woman has other than (some of) my own family. I had more fun with her than I ever had with ANYBODY. I miss chatting with her nightly and how she would make me smile.

Go ahead. Call me a fool, or crazy, or whatever. At least I'm being honest with myself.

Well perhaps I am going against my own wisdom and advice regarding online dating, but I've lined up a date, my first date, with a girl for tomorrow night.

Honestly regardless of what happens, it's a step in the right direction of meeting new people. Perhaps she will be awesome. She seems very cool in the messages we've exchanged online... .she's my type (a plus), so I feel why not.

The last time I was heartbroken 5+ years ago, I jumped online, and the first girl I met I ended up a few weeks later joining her in Hawaii with her friends on her pre-planned vacation. Totally random I know, but it broke me away from heartbreak, got my mind into a new place, and honestly, I had a great time with her and her friends. That was the first date... .

So by lining up this date; it's made me get up and off my a$$, get a haircut today, I'm going for a run in a bit. It's putting a little kick in my giddy up so to speak  

I'll let you all know how it goes!

PS. Why do they always choose bowling

I hope it goes well for you. I'm in a dark place as far as relationships go. I've been burned so many times that I have a fundamental mistrust of women. Years of mixed messages, intermittent reinforcement, and betrayal will do that.

I want my ex back. Like I said, I'm sick of justifying those feelings. When she was good we really clicked. The only times we ever argued was when she was dysregulating. I'm having a hard time moving on because:

1. I think about her every day, very often every day.

2. I miss her: Her sense of humor, her smell, the way she made me feel, her laugh, our conversations, her smile, the sweet little things she'd do for me, her spontaneity, her adventurous spirit... .

3. There's no finality to it. I have a deep feeling she will eventually reach out to me.

It sucks.

[SoMadSoSad]

I'm tired of lying to myself. I'm tired of pretending that I don't miss her when I think of her multiple times a day. I'm tired of looking at other women, talking to other women, spending time with other women, and thinking, "X wasn't like this. I wish I was with X rather than with Y."

I miss her. I don't care if people judge me for it. Yes, she wasn't perfect. Yes, she has a lot of issues. Yes, she's confusing and inconsistent. However, when she was at her best she brought out the best version of myself. When she was at her best she treated me better than any woman has other than (some of) my own family. I had more fun with her than I ever had with ANYBODY. I miss chatting with her nightly and how she would make me smile.

Go ahead. Call me a fool, or crazy, or whatever. At least I'm being honest with myself.

Well perhaps I am going against my own wisdom and advice regarding online dating, but I've lined up a date, my first date, with a girl for tomorrow night.

Honestly regardless of what happens, it's a step in the right direction of meeting new people. Perhaps she will be awesome. She seems very cool in the messages we've exchanged online... .she's my type (a plus), so I feel why not.

The last time I was heartbroken 5+ years ago, I jumped online, and the first girl I met I ended up a few weeks later joining her in Hawaii with her friends on her pre-planned vacation. Totally random I know, but it broke me away from heartbreak, got my mind into a new place, and honestly, I had a great time with her and her friends. That was the first date... .

So by lining up this date; it's made me get up and off my a$$, get a haircut today, I'm going for a run in a bit. It's putting a little kick in my giddy up so to speak  

I'll let you all know how it goes!

PS. Why do they always choose bowling

I hope it goes well for you. I'm in a dark place as far as relationships go. I've been burned so many times that I have a fundamental mistrust of women. Years of mixed messages, intermittent reinforcement, and betrayal will do that.

I want my ex back. Like I said, I'm sick of justifying those feelings. When she was good we really clicked. The only times we ever argued was when she was dysregulating. I'm having a hard time moving on because:

1. I think about her every day, very often every day.

2. I miss her: Her sense of humor, her smell, the way she made me feel, her laugh, our conversations, her smile, the sweet little things she'd do for me, her spontaneity, her adventurous spirit... .

3. There's no finality to it. I have a deep feeling she will eventually reach out to me.

It sucks.

I'm right there with ya. You described how I feel exactly except my ex wont reach out because she is happy with her replacement.  :'(

[sweet tooth]

I don't know if mine has a replacement or not. Maybe. Who knows. If she does, it won't last. I'm one of the few people that has the patience to tolerate her drama for long periods.