Need to understand

[harleyquinn]

Hi... .you could say that this site has become a complete haven to me for this hellish two weeks I have been putting myself through... .

I first met someone who I can only describe as the love of my life 18 months ago. We met having left other relationships. All I can say is that we always felt we had a connection from the off and fell in love pretty quickly.

Despite loving the absolute bones off him there was always a side i saw. The amazing side of him loved and worshipped the ground I walked on. Brought flowers to my workplace once and was totally protective with all the right words to say when I was feeling low. He carried me and I carried him. I loved him too, whilst I'm not a romantic guy I always tried to listen to his problems, once he was stuck in work and I brought him food late at night. This side was abaolutely perfect.

However then there was the other side, when he would seem to flip and call me all the bad names under the sun, I was a game player, I would never find anyone as good as him, that I deserved to be cheated on. I have had a minor history of self harm which I confided to him and whilst his good side was supportive... .the other side called me a self harming psychopath. Although he insisted he trusted me there were times when he would flip out and call me a slag. I felt like a prisoner to my phone, he would text but then flip out if I took more than two minutes to reply. A lot of our rows were that my 2 minute silences were suspicious, I couldn't go on Facebook unless I text him first. If a message didn't contain a kiss on the end or I forgot to say "I love you" that was also another source of argument. On one occasion after a night of a few of us drinking he had smashed his friends flat up and had me by the throat. But he was so upset after that he never laid a finger on me after that.

Despite being utterly in love with his soft side these rows and constant feeling of walking through a minefield were really getting to me, my friends say "I've changed" I was starting to feel anxious a lot of the time. After a couple of the rows I had ended up self harming again which could maple tell destroyed him. Seeing him so upset made me put it to the back of my mind but the urges never stopped.

I tried so hard... .I tried to block out when I could see a conflict arising but got told I was "stonewalling" (maybe I was, I hate conflict) I tried to point out the hurt which Was being caused but then things got thrown back at me. Some of the rows resulted me curling up sobbing and screaming "please stop" repeatedly. On a few occasions I walked out but then when I came back the aftermath was that I've caused deep hurt by walking out. After one row where he mocked the self harming and suggested I **** off I ended up packing my bags for the final time.

The aftermath of doing this killed me. He has begged me to come back. I tried to ignore, tell him I'm scared but nothing seems to go through. It seems like everytime I respond the floodgates open and the next day I'm stringing him along. The persistent texting got so bad that I switched my phone off last Friday only to switch it back on to find out he had been drinking and come back and overdosed (he said it was not to kill himself but to shut out the pain). I feel so responsible and the blood is on my hands. After that we talked again but it's just a roller coaster. I'm doing my upmost best to put up barriers, Set boundaries but he keeps trying to tear them down and I'm a gameplayer for yielding and responding.

I feel utterly helpless, I've suffered breakups before but nothing as hard lasting as this. Although nothing serious I have scratched myself 3 times to help alleviate these conflicted feelings. I am racked with guilt and missing him so much, but I'm stuck between wanting to remain supportive but knowing I have to fix my own issues.

I still don't know if my partner is borderline and I feel desperately unfair to pin that on him. But I feel utterly desperate and in need of some sort of advice or understanding on this... .

[peace74]

  Welcome.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.  It's behavior and emotions most of us hear have dealt with to one degree or another.  Please take care of yourself.  I think at this point you need to put yourself first.  He will continue to make you feel guilty and play on your compassionate side.  He is not well but you cannot save him or fix him.  Do you have a counselor or therapist?  If not they may be able to help you bring clarity to the situation and help you deal with your own feelings and emotions.  This is an awesome site for support, tools, and information.  You've come to the right place.  Keep reading and reaching out.   

[heartandwhole]

Hi harleyquinn.

I'm so sorry to hear about your tumultuous relationship and breakup. That is so painful to go through. I'm glad you found the site and have posted your story. There are many members here who can relate to the rollercoaster that you have been through. 

Of course it is impossible to diagnose someone from afar and without professional credentials, but regardless of whether your partner has BPD or traits, the behavior that you experienced sounds very much like what many of us have been through. The resources on this site are naturally geared toward those in relationship with someone with BPD and other personality disorders, but rest assured that what you can learn here will help in ALL your relationships.

When I broke up with pwBPD, like you, I felt that the sorrow was much more intense than any other breakup I had experienced. This is normal. These relationships can be very emotionally "loaded" and often bring up issues (and sometimes even trauma) from our early childhoods.

I agree with peace74 in that you need to take very good care of yourself right now. Things really do get better. I was a mess physically and emotionally toward the end of my relationship and after the breakup. But I got well and so can you. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself extra TLC. It takes strength to confront our issues and let go of an intoxicating relationship.

There are tons of resources on this site to learn about BPD and our roles in the dysfunctional dance. One that really helped me a lot is here:Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

Do you see anything that rings a bell in this article? How a Borderline Relationship Evolves

Keep writing, harleyquinn. We are here to support you. 

heartandwhole

[jessedsickabouther]

What do you mean that you met leaving other relationships

[harleyquinn]

Do you see anything that rings a bell in this article? How a Borderline Relationship Evolves

Wow. Not just a bell but a whole group of bells clanging like a wedding celebration! I used to tell him I was scared and it was like a cycle every 2 months. I could read it like a book I just wish I knew about this before and got a support system that could help.

So honestly... .can someone recover from this or reduce the emotional abuse? He's going to CBT courses at the moment. He's been trying to tell me how this would never happen again as he's getting the tools to help it.

As for me... .I've called a counsilor to help with this as I'm pretty much messed up from it so I know I need to make time to help myself.

[harleyquinn]

What do you mean that you met leaving other relationships

Well... .we met on an online app for gay men. I was on the end of a crappy relationship where I found out months before that my previous ex was repeatedly cheating, basically leading a double life. I don't know I guess we both felt a deep connection. He was also at the end of a pretty horrible relationship with his fiancée who he said pretty much damaged him. He told me all of his relationships never lasted longer than 18 months and all of them have pretty much been rows and moving in pretty quickly.