Feeling like a standin

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Well, I've been replaced. What I can't help feeling is that I was just there as a placeholder until something better came along. Once someone better came along that she had some higher value than I did then, boom, I'm out. I don't think she really valued me at all in the relationship in so far as I was there until she used me up like a financial and emotional vampire. Once done, she's onto the next victim. Whats even worse is her replacement is wealthy. He takes her out to dinner all the time, he has a nice huge house so she is on top of the world. And this guy is totally in love with my wife. Meanwhile, she is buying clothes for her trip this weekend while we are practically broke and hasn't bought groceries for the house/our four year old. She is buying him toys when we don't have any food in the house. The backstory of the last two weeks has been an absolute madhouse but I digress. She is living in two completely different worlds. I'm taking care of my son and everything. But being witness to someone being unable to practically function in one part of their life while being affirmed, affirming and being completely supportive of someone else in the other part of her life is really bizarre. Truly bizarre.   

[Concerns]

Well, I've been replaced. What I can't help feeling is that I was just there as a placeholder until something better came along. Once someone better came along that she had some higher value than I did then, boom, I'm out. I don't think she really valued me at all in the relationship in so far as I was there until she used me up like a financial and emotional vampire. Once done, she's onto the next victim. Whats even worse is her replacement is wealthy. He takes her out to dinner all the time, he has a nice huge house so she is on top of the world. And this guy is totally in love with my wife. Meanwhile, she is buying clothes for her trip this weekend while we are practically broke and hasn't bought groceries for the house/our four year old. She is buying him toys when we don't have any food in the house. The backstory of the last two weeks has been an absolute madhouse but I digress. She is living in two completely different worlds. I'm taking care of my son and everything. But being witness to someone being unable to practically function in one part of their life while being affirmed, affirming and being completely supportive of someone else in the other part of her life is really bizarre. Truly bizarre.   

[Survivingher]

its awful.  I don't think that feeling ever goes away.  you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop which of course is very stressful and doesn't allow you to even enjoy the good times.  once your hooked its tough, but if you ever get unhooked. RUN.  I will/have.  still hard though.  at least now I know the red flags to watch out for in the future.  I live in a pretty big city, so any girl here that's attractive is going to be shallow and have options.  I never ran into this sort of thing when I lived in a smaller town.  im divorced and have sole custody of my kids.  my ex and I are good friends, but the divorce messed me up and made me vulnerable to these type of women and guess who I met once month after divorce was final.  probably the worst person I could have hooked up with in the entire city.  along the way I saw all the signs but ignored them.  friends who knew her past warned me.  every relationship ended violently and with drama and chaos.  of course she just says she picks bad guys. uhhhhhh no.  that's not it.  oh well... .it is what it is

[WoundedBibi]

its awful.  I don't think that feeling ever goes away.  you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop which of course is very stressful and doesn't allow you to even enjoy the good times.  once your hooked its tough, but if you ever get unhooked. RUN.  I will/have.  still hard though.  at least now I know the red flags to watch out for in the future.  I live in a pretty big city, so any girl here that's attractive is going to be shallow and have options.  I never ran into this sort of thing when I lived in a smaller town.  im divorced and have sole custody of my kids.  my ex and I are good friends, but the divorce messed me up and made me vulnerable to these type of women and guess who I met once month after divorce was final.  probably the worst person I could have hooked up with in the entire city.  along the way I saw all the signs but ignored them.  friends who knew her past warned me.  every relationship ended violently and with drama and chaos.  of course she just says she picks bad guys. uhhhhhh no.  that's not it.  oh well... .it is what it is

Yes, once you have worked through what has happened that feeling will go away.

You have every right to be angry with your ex for treating you badly but isn't your worldview a bit black & white? You're basically saying "Every attractive girl in a big city is shallow and nobody in a smaller town is".

By the way BPD is not about being shallow. BPD is a mental illness and happens everywhere in big cities and small towns.

[Survivingher]

no im not saying that.  im just saying that attractive BPDs in larger cities have richer guys to pick from and therefore their behavior continues with less consequences.  also, their reputations don't get around as quickly either so they can hide their behavior that way as well.   Mine has become a hermit basically.  preferring to meet men on dating apps or going to bars where her peers don't hang out.   I was out with her one nite for dinner and 3 ex boyfriends were sitting at the bar within 10 ft of each other.  I don't/wont be any part of that scene.   obviously there are attractive women in large cities that don't have these issues.  I was married to one for 14 years. 

[WoundedBibi]

no im not saying that.  im just saying that attractive BPDs in larger cities have richer guys to pick from and therefore their behavior continues with less consequences.  also, their reputations don't get around as quickly either so they can hide their behavior that way as well.   Mine has become a hermit basically.  preferring to meet men on dating apps or going to bars where her peers don't hang out.   I was out with her one nite for dinner and 3 ex boyfriends were sitting at the bar within 10 ft of each other.  I don't/wont be any part of that scene.   obviously there are attractive women in large cities that don't have these issues.  I was married to one for 14 years. 

In larger cities the reputation of a BPD, let's not forget the male ones here either  , certainly does get around a lot less quick and there are more people to choose from. Vulnerable to start with otherwise they're not interested.

Maybe that's why my ex is staying here and breaking his normal pattern of fleeing the scene    This city isn't that big though... statistically speaking he will fff up again in max 1.5 years (just got himself a new job after wallowing in BPD self pity for 6 months) so after that it might actually get too hot underneath his feet.

[Infern0]

I certainly understand that feeling. Mine pretty much devalued me when her old friends moved back into town, I barely ever heard from her anymore, except feeling out messages to check I was "still there"

We were "best friends, lovers and soulmates" when she didn't have anyone else but as soon as she did she was gone and treated me 2nd class or worse from that day on.

You have to realize though that it isn't a black mark on your character or anything like that. These people crave short term fun, material things and above all... .Distraction.

If you are a deep person with real character, they can't sustain anything with someone like that. They would rather hang around people who just party, drink, take drugs, sleep around and are generally chaotic. It keeps them distracted and entertained.

Same goes for wealthy people who can just supply them with endless material possessions.

Its actually a compliment to your nature as a person if they run from you. They can't handle "real". Mine even admitted this to me. " if I hang round f'd up people it makes me feel like I'm not so f'd up"

Borderlines are running from the truth, running from reality. So the more mature, grounded etc you are, they idealize that in the beginning, but as time goes on and you want stability they can't handle that. They can't have quiet moments and enjoy serenity. They have to keep their brain overflowing so they don't have to feel the deep pain and emptiness inside that never goes away.

It is what it is.

Nobody can "love them better"

[Survivingher]

mine desperately wanted real with me, but her programming wouldn't allow it.  she knows im a catch and that I was good for her and to her.    don't be so sure about the money thing though.  I gave mine plenty. she had no worries and still became bored.  they all seem to have a lifecycle though.    some can go years without a devaluating.   mines cycle was about 4 months in total and then she would suck you back in (not charmed. )  despite being stunning and very charismatic, she can even get to the alter before she screws that up also.  the stories I could tell.  not just my own with her, but her past.  even in a big city it gets around.  I was warned, didn't care.     and yes, they do know who is vulnerable.  when she found out I was divorced and wounded, she pounced.   

[once removed]

hi Concerns 

i know the pain of feeling replaced, and its natural to compare yourself to the new person. it may be of minimal comfort to know that this behavior is not a reflection of you or an indicator that anyone has a higher value than you. it is an immature coping mechanism, no more no less, but it is indeed devastating to the person on the receiving end  .

how is your son holding up? how about you? are you able to practice self care?

treat yourself well in this time, Concerns. i know how surreal and painful it can all be.

[Concerns]

Thanks, once removed. I realize my wife's emotional coping mechanisms have been a real issue in relating to her in positive way. My son seems to be coping pretty well under the circumstances. Although, you can tell that he contemplates his parents not being together. He has been exposed to mental illness at a very young age. So I worry for him, do my best to mitigate any emotional fallout and try to be an emotional support in this trying time. I'm holding up. Its getting better. I do self-care. But I am still having panic attacks at night. The sheer stress is incredible. I liken it to being a soldier in a warzone. I am subject to psychological situations day-in-and-day out that relatively normal people are not subject to.  It's not that I've been comparing myself to him. There was some of that in the beginning. Its seeing the absolute difference in how I get treated compared to my replacement. It really is surreal. In this process, it's like I've been slowly disconnecting emotionally and it's becoming more business-like in my approach to our relationship.