I'm down in the dumps- 3 months out of home after 18yrs- mykids dont understand

[Sluggo]

I am 3 months out of the home but I have had a wave of sadness that has engulfed me the last couple of days.  I left a very dysfunctional and abusive 17 marriage (verbally, emotionally, and some physically) which I am happy for.  I have been alienated from my children and felt I had horrible council from my L at the first hearing.  :)espite thinking I had all my ducks in a row, read this site numerous times, knew exactly what kind of lawyer I wanted (and thought I had), etc... . the first hearing the judge didn't want to deal with 7 children under the age of 16 and make an initial decision for custody.  Judge told my L that he wasn't going to pull my bdwwife out of the house due to special need child we have.  He wanted to wait until after the custody eval.  

My L said lets take this (what he worked out with the other lawyer) and said it would be temporary and can go back in a few weeks to get it improved (I found out that was untrue).  I signed it and have regreted it.  I only see my kids 2 times a week a one of those is an overnight every other week.  I did change L that day when I realized how stupid I was to sign what I did - despite him saying I got an OK deal.  What a joke.  The new L is awesome and trying to get back what I lost... .but in the meantime I feel crushed

Now I am struggling.  The kids don't understand, being told things about me (not to talk to me, wife told them I can't go to their games or she will pull them from the sport for the whole season, not to text me, etc).  I am losing the emotional connection I have had with them.  I love being a father to them.  I had a good relationship with them.  But they seem afraid to talk with me in public especially when wife is around.  My wife has always disciplined with an Iron fist and one look from her the kids stop whatever they are doing.  

This is so hard.  Going back to get the order changed but that is still 60 days away and custody eval wont be done for another 10 months.  Even though I am encouraged by the new direction with the new L.   I feel like my heart has been flattened by huge truck.  I have less control than I did while being in the house (with all the abuse) but at least I could further my relationship with them.     

[hope2727]

I am so sorry you are enduring this. It is abuse in its finest form. I can only tell you these little things.

1) My mom leaving my dad was the best thing that ever happened to me.

2) I was old enough to understand one of my siblings wasn't. It didn't take long for that sibling to figure it out. Just be honest and predictable and consistent and they will get it.

3) The biggest reason to leave is to set a proper example for your children of how to behave and what not to put up with from others.

4) The toughest part of a journey across the dessert is the last few miles. Keep going. Runners will tell you its the last 0.1 km of a race that is the hardest. Its true. Don't stop.

5) You and your children are worthy and deserving of a healthy happy family. You can build that now.

Hugs   

[Sluggo]

I am so sorry you are enduring this. It is abuse in its finest form. I can only tell you these little things.

1) My mom leaving my dad was the best thing that ever happened to me.

2) I was old enough to understand one of my siblings wasn't. It didn't take long for that sibling to figure it out. Just be honest and predictable and consistent and they will get it.

3) The biggest reason to leave is to set a proper example for your children of how to behave and what not to put up with from others.

4) The toughest part of a journey across the dessert is the last few miles. Keep going. Runners will tell you its the last 0.1 km of a race that is the hardest. Its true. Don't stop.

5) You and your children are worthy and deserving of a healthy happy family. You can build that now.

Hope-  Thank you for that.  Your points really hit home for me.  Each point covers the different insecurities I have.  I really appreciate that. 

[Mutt]

I just want to say that I'm sorry that you got a bad deal with your first lawyer. Your kids are lucky to have a dad that is going back to court for them.

It sounds like your ex is putting the kids in the middle with divorce poison and your staying out of it, which is good. The kids have a right to both parents. I would suggest keeping a journal and writing down her bad behavior with the date and time. That way you can recall her behavior for court if you need it. I hope it doesn't come down to that but you want to keep your ducks in a row like you said. Hang in there.

[Sluggo]

Mutt,

It sounds like your ex is putting the kids in the middle with divorce poison and your staying out of it, which is good. The kids have a right to both parents. I would suggest keeping a journal and writing down her bad behavior with the date and time. That way you can recall her behavior for court if you need it. I hope it doesn't come down to that but you want to keep your ducks in a row like you said. Hang in there.

That is right on... .My lawyer just asked me for some instances of abuse, alienation, etc.  I have been keeping a audio journal on my smart phone with a diary app.  It is super easy as I just do talk to text.  It takes about 2 minutes to do -backs up in the cloud -  and was invaluable as I was able to go back as far as 5 years with dates and times and specifics. 

Sad thing though is that it did take me 5 years to do something.  I bet though if I would have left earlier, my insecurities would have pulled me back into the relationship.  It has been hard now cant imagine when I had less resolve. 

[Mutt]

Sluggo,

Don't be hard on yourself. You are diligent and taking care of things. I hope that you get a break soon.