I'm pissed off

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was right. Ex has a new job. In my city. In my country. For whatever reason for the first time in his working life he has not p*ssed off to another country after ffffing up another job.

Why?

The new job is a good job. It's so fffffing unfair! Here I am with my newly discovered dystrophy having to rethink my whole life, having to give up every dream of buying a house, living in the countryside, moving abroad, having kids, riding a horse again, getting my driving license and most probably having to give up my job for something simpler that pays way less and holds no mental challenge whatsoever and mister personality disorder weasels his way into another job. A high end job. With a good salary.

Yes, history says he will ffff up again. According to his resume he has never held any job for over 2 years and I've deducted that the ones he had for 2 years were 1.5 years for real + 0.5 years of lies on LinkedIn. So if history is anything to go by in 1.5 years time he should be out on his arse again.

But this time he hasn't got a bunch of managers above him. This time it's a relatively small company and he is a top manager there...

And who is going to go to the CEO or HR and say "I've seen the xxxxxx xxxxxxx Manager come in and I think he's drunk" or "I saw the X X manager dust the inside of his nose with South American powder" or "the manager of xxxxxx xxxxxxxx said he wanted babies with me and kissed me but all of a sudden he doesn't talk to me anymore" or "the X X manager seems very moody, one minute he is depressed the next he is extatic"? Especially if the manager pulling all of this cr*p is your manager or the manager of your manager?

I know I know I know life is not fair

But he SO does NOT deserve this! If anybody deserves a wonderful amazing new job it's ME. Not that I can physically do it but that isn't the point...

I'm just so angry! He managed to dust himself off AGAIN and polish himself up AGAIN and charm his way into the next new environment.

I will never bring myself down to his level and purposely do anything to fff up HIS life but I almost wish I had some of his character so I could write a letter to HR or the CEO of this new company and write "did you know your new xxxxxx xxxxx manager has BPD?" without having any scruples.

The only bright point in all of this is, since he is a big cheese somewhere else now, that all his flying monkeys that were always complaining together with him about how unhappy they were about their job might fly away to meet him there. That would make my life so much easier...

Ok... .if that is what it takes to loose the flying monkeys, I'll take the humiliation of him getting the job I deserve. Meanwhile I'll keep praying he ffffs up soon and that someone will have the courage to speak up. Exit for ex to home country would be next dream.

But right now I'm still pissed off! And I can't stand the fact he has been no doubt gloating about his new job! Ooohhhhhhhh    

M u s t   p u t   f a i t h   i n   K a r m a

[WoundedBibi]

I was right. Ex has a new job. In my city. In my country. For whatever reason for the first time in his working life he has not p*ssed off to another country after ffffing up another job.

Why?

The new job is a good job. It's so fffffing unfair! Here I am with my newly discovered dystrophy having to rethink my whole life, having to give up every dream of buying a house, living in the countryside, moving abroad, having kids, riding a horse again, getting my driving license and most probably having to give up my job for something simpler that pays way less and holds no mental challenge whatsoever and mister personality disorder weasels his way into another job. A high end job. With a good salary.

Yes, history says he will ffff up again. According to his resume he has never held any job for over 2 years and I've deducted that the ones he had for 2 years were 1.5 years for real + 0.5 years of lies on LinkedIn. So if history is anything to go by in 1.5 years time he should be out on his arse again.

But this time he hasn't got a bunch of managers above him. This time it's a relatively small company and he is a top manager there...

And who is going to go to the CEO or HR and say "I've seen the xxxxxx xxxxxxx Manager come in and I think he's drunk" or "I saw the X X manager dust the inside of his nose with South American powder" or "the manager of xxxxxx xxxxxxxx said he wanted babies with me and kissed me but all of a sudden he doesn't talk to me anymore" or "the X X manager seems very moody, one minute he is depressed the next he is extatic"? Especially if the manager pulling all of this cr*p is your manager or the manager of your manager?

I know I know I know life is not fair

But he SO does NOT deserve this! If anybody deserves a wonderful amazing new job it's ME. Not that I can physically do it but that isn't the point...

I'm just so angry! He managed to dust himself off AGAIN and polish himself up AGAIN and charm his way into the next new environment.

I will never bring myself down to his level and purposely do anything to fff up HIS life but I almost wish I had some of his character so I could write a letter to HR or the CEO of this new company and write "did you know your new xxxxxx xxxxx manager has BPD?" without having any scruples.

The only bright point in all of this is, since he is a big cheese somewhere else now, that all his flying monkeys that were always complaining together with him about how unhappy they were about their job might fly away to meet him there. That would make my life so much easier...

Ok... .if that is what it takes to loose the flying monkeys, I'll take the humiliation of him getting the job I deserve. Meanwhile I'll keep praying he ffffs up soon and that someone will have the courage to speak up. Exit for ex to home country would be next dream.

But right now I'm still pissed off! And I can't stand the fact he has been no doubt gloating about his new job! Ooohhhhhhhh    

M u s t   p u t   f a i t h   i n   K a r m a

[WoundedBibi]

And no, I don't know because I checked up on him, I know because I opened a message from LinkedIn.

[WoundedBibi]

I haven't slept all night. I was lying in bed caught up in an angry search spree on my iPad. In between I found myself angrily talking to myself, cursing, making faces at the pictures above the board. Of course I'm in a lot more pain "all of a sudden". What a "surprise"... .

Decided to get out of bed and have a bagel for breakfast. One you have to warm in the oven. Too much effort so microwaved it. Bagels are supposed to be chewy. This one was soft. Might have been the microwave. It made me cry. Ridiculous, I know.

This LinkedIn message has completely set me off.

I still haven't figured out why I feel this overwhelming urge to search and sometimes give in. It's the same thing the pwBPD do when they watch their ex NONs on FB. I just don't do it on FB because I don't do FB. What do hope to get from this?

I haven't found a thing. Yes, one picture of a work outing from 2 days ago so he had to be on it but the only person he could be had his face hidden behind a steel cable of the rigging (they were on a ship). Reminded me of his dad who always manages to avoid the camera. Oh, and a YT remark from last month that all his countrymen are stupid ignorant asss and deserve to be ruled by idiots, go bankrupt, something like that.

So what do I now know?

In December he was doing cr*ppy. I learned that before. Did it make me feel better? Not really. It made me feel slightly worried then but I got over it.

In March he was his 'normal' (I think this is his baseline personality when not in love) bitter misanthropic self and b*tched about his countrymen. Did that make me feel better today? No. It made me feel slightly bitter I ever got involved with someone so bitter. It is so not me.

And if the steel cable picture guy is him, he's doing what he always does when he just starts a job. Low profile because he's not comfortable yet as he doesn't know people yet and hasn't acquired an army of flying monkeys. Yet. Does that make me feel better? No, but not worse either. It confirms how I think he ticks.

In time he will loosen up and ffff up. Will that make me feel better? Yes, it probably will. Because I want him to leave. I feel this city isn't big enough for the two of us. And he doesn't deserve this job. I'm jealous.

I know he will loose it in time. I know he is not happy; his moods change at least 5-10 times a day and the dark ones last longest. That will not be different even if there is a temporary high of a new job.

Checking up on him gives me no real control, at most an idea where I might run into him and that he still lives here. It is a form of control I guess.

Other than that I think I answered my own question earlier on, I too am looking for evidence that I understand how he ticks. Perhaps not trying to make sense of the pwBPD because he is far from textbook, probably too mixed with NPD, OCD, paranoia, depression and so on, but trying to make sense of him. Trying to check if my view of him is correct. So far I think I am. Maybe that gives me some peace. That I didn't listen to my intuition when he pursued me, didn't trust my intuition, but that I can trust it now, and I should trust it always, because I was right in what I felt then and I'm right in what I'm thinking now.

I'll take a bit more time to calm down and then I will go get some sleep, I'm tired.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

The way they can weave themselves into your psyche in order to fill their empty sense of self makes separation and detachment very difficult indeed.  It goes without saying that envy and jealousy are very unhealthy emotions. I found mindfulness meditation very helpful and if you sign up for a group course you are also getting out and meeting others.  Please look out for yourself - your ex has his issues and will continue to have them.  It is all about you now, not him.

[Tomacini]

I totally understand where you are now Bibi and why you are having these emotions. There's nothing we can say to take that feeling away.

But I think writing it down for us (and foremost for yourself) is a good way to ease those feelings.

[WoundedBibi]

The way they can weave themselves into your psyche in order to fill their empty sense of self makes separation and detachment very difficult indeed.  It goes without saying that envy and jealousy are very unhealthy emotions. I found mindfulness meditation very helpful and if you sign up for a group course you are also getting out and meeting others.  Please look out for yourself - your ex has his issues and will continue to have them.  It is all about you now, not him.

That's just the problem MrConfused, I can't sign up for a group and get out and meet others. I'm ill. I have just found out I have CRPS, a form of dystrophy. I can't walk or sit.

This jealousy and anger IS about me. Apart from grieving the relationship I'm grieving for my health, for all I could have been but will never be. I have to say goodbye to all MY dreams. I can physically never do the  job he now has while I'm way more suited for it than he will ever be. I can no longer move to the country of my ex to do up a farm, not even on my own, because I can't live in the middle of ffffing nowhere as an invalid. I will never be able to ride a horse again. I should be happy if I can ever work again but might end up on benefits with nothing to my name while he lives it up. He might have a sick mind but at least his body can carry his sick mind from A to B and have fun.

I know I need to keep in mind life isn't some benevolent entity that keeps scores and gives the nice one her due. Life is what it is. But him having a new job really triggered my emotions about my illness.

[once removed]

But him having a new job really triggered my emotions about my illness.

i think thats entirely understandable, woundedbibi. im in a similar place, sidelined for the past decade with medical problems and herniated discs in my back. it feels like watching the world and all my friends, or even strangers, find success, and yes, it makes me jealous, or feel hopeless and helpless. what bites is i have all sorts of ambition and dreams of a better life, virtually none of which i can act on or see to fruition. in the mean time ive had to grieve a lot of lost opportunity, and fall behind in my ability to make up for it. i feel your pain  .

it sounds like you have faced it all with a great deal of strength. its admirable, and it helps keep a person experiencing it, sane. dont lose sight of that. but to get angry, upset, jealous, whatever, is understandable; feeling it, and reaching out for support are a form of self care.

hang in there, woundedbibi. im a firm believer that there are better days, and new opportunities ahead, for both of us.

[HurtinNW]

The way they can weave themselves into your psyche in order to fill their empty sense of self makes separation and detachment very difficult indeed.  It goes without saying that envy and jealousy are very unhealthy emotions. I found mindfulness meditation very helpful and if you sign up for a group course you are also getting out and meeting others.  Please look out for yourself - your ex has his issues and will continue to have them.  It is all about you now, not him.

That's just the problem MrConfused, I can't sign up for a group and get out and meet others. I'm ill. I have just found out I have CRPS, a form of dystrophy. I can't walk or sit.

This jealousy and anger IS about me. Apart from grieving the relationship I'm grieving for my health, for all I could have been but will never be. I have to say goodbye to all MY dreams. I can physically never do the  job he now has while I'm way more suited for it than he will ever be. I can no longer move to the country of my ex to do up a farm, not even on my own, because I can't live in the middle of ffffing nowhere as an invalid. I will never be able to ride a horse again. I should be happy if I can ever work again but might end up on benefits with nothing to my name while he lives it up. He might have a sick mind but at least his body can carry his sick mind from A to B and have fun.

I know I need to keep in mind life isn't some benevolent entity that keeps scores and gives the nice one her due. Life is what it is. But him having a new job really triggered my emotions about my illness.

That's a really good insight, woundedbibi.

I sympathize. My blood would be boiling too. Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair... .and it isn't fair. My ex is also a charmer, very NPD. He had a high profile career and was on the top of his game. It's all come crashing down around him. I wish there was satisfaction in that but there isn't. Instead he just milks the sympathy for his plight. So I guess I am saying you can't win here. No matter what he is doing it won't give you what you want.

It sounds like you are angry and grieving your illness and that is perfectly fine. I'm so sorry about your diagnosis. It sounds terribly hard. I'm sorry  

I also make the mistake of checking on my ex. Last night I was on facebook, where I unfriended him. His profile pic popped up, and I clicked it. Bad idea. He's changed it again to something incredibly self-pitying (a crying face). Same old thing. He abuses me, breaks up and goes around playing the victim. The frustrating part is seeing friends run to his aid. I am taking the higher road but it is hard.

Life will get better. I truly believe that happens for people of integrity.

[WoundedBibi]

The thing is I didn't check up on him. I got an email from LinkedIn saying who had a new job. That set me off. After that I went into a search spree. And into being angry and jealous and grieving about all I can never do again because of my illness.

And somehow it did help me knowing he still didn't have a job. Or it would help if he would have one but in his own country. Or a simple one.

It would all feel very different if I wasn't ill. If I could just get on with my own life. If I could go to work. If I wouldn't be alone most days ruminating. If I could go outside and enjoy the spring instead of seeing it from afar.

That's part of this too; despite his mental illness he is living life while I'm a bystander.

Today is just a sucky day.

[WoundedBibi]

But him having a new job really triggered my emotions about my illness.

i think thats entirely understandable, woundedbibi. im in a similar place, sidelined for the past decade with medical problems and herniated discs in my back. it feels like watching the world and all my friends, or even strangers, find success, and yes, it makes me jealous, or feel hopeless and helpless. what bites is i have all sorts of ambition and dreams of a better life, virtually none of which i can act on or see to fruition. in the mean time ive had to grieve a lot of lost opportunity, and fall behind in my ability to make up for it. i feel your pain  .

Knowing there is someone that gets it feels really good Onceremoved 

it sounds like you have faced it all with a great deal of strength. its admirable, and it helps keep a person experiencing it, sane. dont lose sight of that. but to get angry, upset, jealous, whatever, is understandable; feeling it, and reaching out for support are a form of self care.

I think I repress a lot of it because it is too big right now. All this grief and sadness and anger. And not knowing if I'll ever get better. If I'll be able to walk again. Let alone work. So I let it out in small bits every now and again.

hang in there, woundedbibi. im a firm believer that there are better days, and new opportunities ahead, for both of us.

I'm trying. There is always tomorrow. Tomorrow might be better.

[C.Stein]

The thing is I didn't check up on him. I got an email from LinkedIn saying who had a new job. That set me off. After that I went into a search spree. And into being angry and jealous and grieving about all I can never do again because of my illness.

WB, this sucks, I know.  It is incredibly hard to be sidelined like you are while you watch him succeed, especially when he probably doesn't really deserve it.

That said, and as hard as it is, this is more about you than him.  You are angry at your own circumstances and understandably so.  What can you do to help dissipate that anger and turn it into something healthy?  Is there some goal you can work towards so you can feel better about yourself?

[bunny4523]

I'm starting to see a pattern of individuals on this site who have found themselves in relationships with BPD partners.  I come from a co-dependent past with an alcoholic mother I had to take care of, then an alcoholic brother to cover for, and then on to an abusive husband (only I understood).  Do any of you have a similar history?  I'm starting to see that we focus alot on their lives, more than we do our own.  Wondering if we were to put energy into strengthening ourselves and breaking the co-dependency ties if that may speed up our recovery/healing process. I'd imagine that the longer we are in this cycle, the harder it is.  I had a ten year break from my bad marriage before I got into this BPD relationship and I was only in the BPD relationship for 1 year.  I only saw the signs after I moved in with him so it was only 5 short months for me in that BPD world but it almost broke me.  My head was spinning I was so confused all the time.  I could only imagine how hard it would be to spend years in that state of mind.

My heart goes out to all of you and I hope you are able to find peace in your lives soon.

[WoundedBibi]

I'm starting to see a pattern of individuals on this site who have found themselves in relationships with BPD partners.  I come from a co-dependent past with an alcoholic mother I had to take care of, then an alcoholic brother to cover for, and then on to an abusive husband (only I understood).  Do any of you have a similar history?  I'm starting to see that we focus alot on their lives, more than we do our own.  Wondering if we were to put energy into strengthening ourselves and breaking the co-dependency ties if that may speed up our recovery/healing process. I'd imagine that the longer we are in this cycle, the harder it is.  I had a ten year break from my bad marriage before I got into this BPD relationship and I was only in the BPD relationship for 1 year.  I only saw the signs after I moved in with him so it was only 5 short months for me in that BPD world but it almost broke me.  My head was spinning I was so confused all the time.  I could only imagine how hard it would be to spend years in that state of mind.

My heart goes out to all of you and I hope you are able to find peace in your lives soon.

Yes, I am a codependent. And yes, if you stop being a codependent you speed up your recovery and prevent finding another PD partner.

But that wasn't the point of my post. I am not focusing on his life. I am focusing on mine and my grief for losing the relationship but more importantly for me now my grief for losing my physical health. I cannot get on with my life, my body is stopping me.

[WoundedBibi]

The thing is I didn't check up on him. I got an email from LinkedIn saying who had a new job. That set me off. After that I went into a search spree. And into being angry and jealous and grieving about all I can never do again because of my illness.

WB, this sucks, I know.  It is incredibly hard to be sidelined like you are while you watch him succeed, especially when he probably doesn't really deserve it.

That said, and as hard as it is, this is more about you than him.  You are angry at your own circumstances and understandably so.  What can you do to help dissipate that anger and turn it into something healthy?  Is there some goal you can work towards so you can feel better about yourself?

I have been working towards being able to go on holiday. But it's harder than I thought. Taking way more time. I only have 6 weeks left and I still can't walk more than 20 yards or stand (with a lot of effort) for more than 5 minutes. I can't even get through the airport like this. Let alone do yoga.

[C.Stein]

I have been working towards being able to go on holiday. But it's harder than I thought. Taking way more time. I only have 6 weeks left and I still can't walk more than 20 yards or stand (with a lot of effort) for more than 5 minutes. I can't even get through the airport like this. Let alone do yoga.

Yoga is good if you can manage it.  Are you doing any physical therapy?