Contact after 8 Months - What to do?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It has been quite some time since I have posted. I do read the forum quite frequently which has helped me quite a bit in my healing process.

Anyway, it happened. Contact. I received a text from my exuBPDgf 8 months post breakup. She wants to “Catch Up” and “Hopes I’m doing well”. Now I have to decide on what to do about this, if anything.

Some background of my story. Like so many, our relationship followed the BPD script. Honeymoon period was the greatest time in my life. I thought she was “The one” and we were discussing moving in together. Then those eggshells began to appear with the pushing and pulling behavior which went on for a better part of a year. I fought tremendously to save our relationship. We went through two recycles before she finally left for good. The aftermath was most certainly the most painful time of my life. I stayed strong and went strict no contact (8 months). She broke my heart in the worst possible way as I have reason to believe that she rekindled the relationship with her exbf before breaking it off with me and was back with him almost immediately after she left if not while still with me. She was most definitely waif BPD as the external rages never manifested although she was certainly troubled in her internal world. 

Of course she makes contact when I feel that I have finally made great progress in my emotional wellbeing and detachment from the relationship. I have been in therapy since the breakup which has helped tremendously. The last two weeks have been the best I have felt in a long time... .My self-Esteem is finally returning.

I am not going to lie. I have had a hard time giving up the dream of being with her and I have wondered many times on what an encounter with her today would be like. Anyone else out there been through this experience? Any insight or advise would be appreciated.

[FlyFish]

It has been quite some time since I have posted. I do read the forum quite frequently which has helped me quite a bit in my healing process.

Anyway, it happened. Contact. I received a text from my exuBPDgf 8 months post breakup. She wants to “Catch Up” and “Hopes I’m doing well”. Now I have to decide on what to do about this, if anything.

Some background of my story. Like so many, our relationship followed the BPD script. Honeymoon period was the greatest time in my life. I thought she was “The one” and we were discussing moving in together. Then those eggshells began to appear with the pushing and pulling behavior which went on for a better part of a year. I fought tremendously to save our relationship. We went through two recycles before she finally left for good. The aftermath was most certainly the most painful time of my life. I stayed strong and went strict no contact (8 months). She broke my heart in the worst possible way as I have reason to believe that she rekindled the relationship with her exbf before breaking it off with me and was back with him almost immediately after she left if not while still with me. She was most definitely waif BPD as the external rages never manifested although she was certainly troubled in her internal world. 

Of course she makes contact when I feel that I have finally made great progress in my emotional wellbeing and detachment from the relationship. I have been in therapy since the breakup which has helped tremendously. The last two weeks have been the best I have felt in a long time... .My self-Esteem is finally returning.

I am not going to lie. I have had a hard time giving up the dream of being with her and I have wondered many times on what an encounter with her today would be like. Anyone else out there been through this experience? Any insight or advise would be appreciated.

[C.Stein]

Anyone else out there been through this experience? Any insight or advise would be appreciated.

Geez dude, almost exactly the same thing I am dealing with right now.  Also at the 8 month mark, and while she did not reach out specifically looking to "catch up", she did contact me which was quite unexpected and I think there might be a small desire on her part to reopen a line of communication.  I don't know if my recent threads on it will help you, but you might want to check them out to see if they will.

First thread is linked at the top.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=292602.0;all

[Anez]

You're doing great now so my only advice is to ignore, ignore, ignore. Delete the text and move on.

We all know how these things go with BPD - and that is not well. Don't bring the hurt back into your life. Keep pushing forward. There is no fixing these people. they are who they are. See her whole picture and don't look back!

[Rannan]

I think it's just important to remember that, unlike yourself, she has not and cannot change in 8 months. You have the capabilities and opportunities for growth in ways that are just not available for a pwBPD. Think to yourself about how you've felt during your separation and all of its ups and downs and ask yourself if it's really worth it to open that can of worms again.

My ex left me two weeks ago after a relationship spanning ten years, filled with emotional and physical abuse. It's still a fresh, gaping wound for me but it's important to remember why we're here and why we're not with them anymore. She never changed after years of self-awareness and effort, so it is unwise to think she will be any different 8 or 12 or 18 months down the read.

Ultimately, it'll be your decision, but it sounds to me that you are through the worst of it now and things are only looking up for you. Opening yourself to chaos leaves you vulnerable, no matter how much you feel you are in control now. Intensity is the name of the game, and their entire hook is intensity in ways that leave us addicted for more.

Do you want to be an addict or do you want to be free? That's a question only you can answer. Good luck, my friend, with whatever you decide to do.

[zeus123]

I agree 100% with what ANEZ said. Ignore ignore ignore and delete delete delete. Why would you want to have a relationship with someone that is only looking for NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY and is unable to reciprocate love?

[steelwork]

Hi Flyfish,

In this case she's being open about wishing to reconnect. (Re. C.Stein's case, I actually read no such wish in the email, but then I don't know the communication style of his ex.)

So what's your wish? Is it to avoid the destabilizing situation of hearing from her again? If so, what about writing back and telling her you don't wish to have any further contact (in whatever way and in whatever level of detail you choose)? That makes the situation unambiguous, whereas deleting/ignoring leaves the door open for another try. I'm not saying she won't make another try anyhow, but at least you'll have made your wishes known.

[steelwork]

(Sorry--I should have said this above)

If you feel like maybe you'd like to reconnect, but you don't feel strong enough to do it now, maybe you could say that.

"Thanks for your note. Now is not a good time for me to catch up [for whatever reason you want to give, or no reason]."

You know -- then you can just take your time, and maybe by the time you feel strong enough in your recovery to be in contact the desire will be gone anyhow.

[jessedsickabouther]

For myself personally I look at the facts.  And I read. And I listen to others.  When I take all 3 of those into consideration it's very clear to me one thing.  It's ok to love her. It's ok to tell her you always will.  But if you want to be happy in your life you have to accept what the reality of this situation is. Very few people have success stories.  Please tread lightly.  Be smart. Keep your emotions intact and don't lead with your heart.  I too miss mine.  But there is nothing I can say or do to fix it. Even if she calls. 

If you can be just her friend that might be nice. Go slowly. 

[FlyFish]

Thank you all for your replies. I am by no means in a rush to respond to her and the fact that she did reach out is not consuming my thoughts. This goes to show that I have healed. If this happened 3 months ago my reaction would have been completely different. I have become extremely knowledgeable about BPD in the aftermath of this breakup and I know the risks of re-connecting and possibly recycling. However, I still do love her and part of me wants to connect just to see what she has to say and to see if there is any hope. Maybe I’m looking for an apology or closure although I’ve accepted that I may never receive either. If I can stay emotionally detached then it may be possible to “Catch Up” without being triggered back into turmoil and deregulation. Another factor I need to consider is if I will ever be able to fully trust her again after what we went through. Lead with your head and not your heart is great advise.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Thank you all for your replies. I am by no means in a rush to respond to her and the fact that she did reach out is not consuming my thoughts. This goes to show that I have healed. If this happened 3 months ago my reaction would have been completely different. I have become extremely knowledgeable about BPD in the aftermath of this breakup and I know the risks of re-connecting and possibly recycling. However, I still do love her and part of me wants to connect just to see what she has to say and to see if there is any hope. Maybe I’m looking for an apology or closure although I’ve accepted that I may never receive either. If I can stay emotionally detached then it may be possible to “Catch Up” without being triggered back into turmoil and deregulation. Another factor I need to consider is if I will ever be able to fully trust her again after what we went through. Lead with your head and not your heart is great advise.

As other have suggested. Ignore her and move on. It's easier said than done but it is the better way to go. You are a second option to her BPD or not. The way I see it (Speaking for experience) is she has been dumped or/and feels lonely and bored and now she is going back to her "Safety Blanket".

[HarleypsychRN]

She hasn't changed. What you may be in love with was the high you felt when she idealized you. You are worth more than what she has to offer you.

These people are toxic. They really are... .

"The calendar changes, they don't"- Unknown

[FlyFish]

Well I guess when it rains it pours. I live in a somewhat small/medium size town and work on Main Ave in a very busy section. Thus, I see a lot of people I know day in and day out in this area. I was just walking back to work from lunch and ran into my uexBPDgf’s brother and her best friend, both of whom I’m on good terms with, although don’t speak to on a norm. We pick up a conversation. Out of the corner of my eye I see my uexBPDgf approaching. Uggghhhhhh – Freak out moment. They must have been meeting for lunch. I guess out of pure instinct/reflex I quickly ended the conversation with her brother and friend and moved on my way stating that I was late for a meeting. I by no means was ready for a conversation with my ex. I’m certain that she saw me but I’m not certain she knows I saw her… I did not look directly at her. Well this definitely triggered me into a bout of anxiety and obsessive thought. I still have not responded to her text btw.

I hope I handled that situation correctly. I certainly was not ready to meet with her. But I don’t want to come off as childish and purposefully running from her by every chance encounter we may happen to have. I guess I don’t want her to know that I am still hurt and weak from our relationship. I guess one good thing is after the breakup I landed a great job for which I dress in suit and tie. I must say I look good and I hope she noticed that! I now know that I am not fully over her yet if she causes that reaction in me.

[1989]

I always found that contact from him occurred at the time things in his new relationship started going badly and coincidentally, it was also around the same time that I was finally feeling better. 

Nothing good ever came from re-connecting with him.  We never got back together (not once), but I would get pulled back in emotionally (from his beautiful words) and the promise of "maybe someday.". I was left devastated each time (3 times, to be exact).  These relationships don't have a way of "working out.". They just cycle through over and over again. 

Your ex suffers from an attachment disorder or at least strong traits of one.  She cannot stay in a relationship unless she receives extensive intensive therapy.

Stay on your path!

[peace74]

You say you still love her and would like to see if there is any hope.  Then you say if you can stay emotionally detached you guys can "catch up".  It just doesn't work that way.  If you are admitting you still have feelings then you are not emotionally detached.  You are playing with fire.  I have been recycled so many times.  It never changes.  I have contact because we have a child together so I regularly get baited as he wants me on his fishing line for later use.  But I have/am not being respected by him.  I still love him and I am still just trying to get to a point and strong enough that I will NEVER take him back.  You have come so far.  I would hate to see you regress or lose all that progress and pwBPD can do that to you.  However, the choice is ultimately yours to make.  Sometimes it takes some recycling to be able to see nothing changes and to let go forever but I wouldn't recommend it.  Either way you have support here.