Guilt, love, confusion - wish I'd known before

[Sharna]

Hi - please treat me gently as feeling very sensitive! I ended a relationship with my husband a year ago after asking him to move out when I was at my wits' end,  We had been together four years. I had always thought there may be something amiss - I wondered if he was on the autistic spectrum for instance. We communicated well in general and there was a lot of love between us but sometimes his reactions and behaviour didn't make any sense to me or others. He was like a loose cannon sometimes and I was often on edge trying to placate him and check everyone else was ok.

I was worried by his self harming which to be fair, he had been managing better but was a concern, not just for his wellbeing but because I have a child by a previous relationship who was starting to ask questions about the marks  and this felt very difficult. I encouraged him to go for counselling for this and what I saw as anger/depression issues but after seeming fairly positive about the first two sessions, he suddenly completely changed his mind, told me it was all a waste of time and got very angry with me when I said that wasn't giving it enough of a go. I think I flipped then after a build up of difficulties and feeling overwhelmed, because he didn't seem to want to help himself or therefore us and I lost all hope. I felt I was parenting two children rather than being in a relationship with a supportive adult.


Since we became estranged, he has tried to take his own life (this was the worse day of my life and I struggle daily with the images and guilt) and been diagnosed with BPD.

I wish I had known this before and I feel I could have done more to get him help. Obviously it wouldn't have changed the things I was struggling with but I feel I would have been able to be more understanding, I could have read up on things, got support and it would have all made more sense. It feels like I turned my back on someone ill and the guilt is incredible. I know that I still have deep feelings of love and caring for him - it feels as though I deserted a child rather than a partner in some ways and I can't forgive myself for that. We are still officially married and I am struggling with the idea of divorce for many reasons.

I just wondered if anyone could relate to this and offer me any words that might help? Has anyone reconciled with a partner in similar circumstances and how did it work or has anyone dealt with an partner trying to take their own life after ending the relationship and impact of that?

Thank you for reading.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Learning about this disorder comes to most of us late in a relationship long after much harm has been done. Awareness can often come far too late to do anything, leaving the unanswered questions of guilt and wondering if only I knew...

This is not your fault. Even if you knew it is possible you could not have changed things anyway. It is one of the most exasperating parts of the disorder that even the most well meaning cannot cope with it even if they have a thorough understanding. It is a hard road no matter what.

I am assuming your child is his? How is that relationship going and is there still contact?

[livednlearned]

Hi Sharna,

I imagine the guilt must feel crushing, and I'm so sorry he spiraled into such depression. This is a community with a lot of empathy for what you went through, and for what you currently struggle with.

It is possible that a few changes in your approach might have mitigated some of the conflict. However, any real change to improve the quality of his life would have to come from him. Trying to encourage him to get help is a delicate topic and he may have rejected your efforts no matter how much you knew about BPD.

Are the two of you in contact anymore? Reconciliation is unique to each relationship. Do you think he is accepting his diagnosis?