Ruminations, how much time do you give yourself?

[Ahoy]

Ok confession time. Every day I run a very manly bath where I relax, use my tablet to read this site and go further and further back into these forums (I think I'm up to page 100). I only read a couple of posts on each page but I feel like they do a few things for me:

-Help me uncover little nuggets of truth about my exwBPD

-Make me feel better about things, reinforce I made a positive decision

-A good timewaster while I am waiting to move from an isolated place to civilisation.

Obviously while I'm doing this, I'm ruminating about my ex-relationship. I would classify these as mostly positive self-affirming ruminations, with a few negative ones mixed in (usually when I read things about replacements)

Now I'm an investigator by trade, perhaps this is me just being thorough. I'm also only 3 1/2 weeks post break-up.

My question is, do you think this gets to a stage (all of this reading and ruminating) where it starts to hinder recovery progress?

Personally, I feel the knowledge I have gained is powerful, but in all honesty, my brain knows just about all there is to know about BPD and the traits that come with it. What I don't want this site to become is a crutch that is needed to prop myself up every time I feel sad.

I think when I move to a major city in June, I'll have a lot more distractions and then I can start to go out again, meet new people, ect. In the meantime I'm going to continue reading and investigating because it makes me feel better.

Healthy/unhealthy? any thoughts?

[once removed]

hi Ahoy 

i stated in a previous thread, i feel rumination gets an unfair rap sometimes.

youre only three and a half weeks post breakup. i personally ruminated daily for three or more months. im not setting that as a healthy bench mark. im just saying at some point it stopped and i dont regret the ruminating i did.

imagine watching a movie like the sixth sense. at the conclusion of the movie youre shocked and flabbergasted. you replay it in your head wondering what clues you missed. maybe several times. so you rewatch it, and you pick up on some things you missed. maybe you still have questions. so you watch it again. maybe you watch it several times. ideally, youre learning something each time.

in a similar way, i think many of us emerging from these relationships have little to no understanding of what weve been through, many of us are traumatized. ruminating is a relatively natural response to that. our psyches are attempting to process what theyve not experienced before, and generally they do so in a step by step process, unique to us. in my experience my psyche had to write and rewrite my experience many times, as i detached, before it settled on a version it was satisfied with. ruminating can play a role in that, though its best to aim it productively; i put a lot of mine in writing and thereby both got it out and internalized what i was writing.

reading and learning about BPD is recommended here as a means of processing - it can make for a balanced understanding and post mortem. it sounds to me like your research is productive in your detaching.

there is a point where it becomes unhealthy. its a point that we need to be self aware about as to where and how it applies to us.

in that event, its useful to start applying  TOOLS: Dealing with Ruminations 

this site itself is a support group, and it is what you make of it. any place, any tool, any thing, can be unhealthy if its treated as such. there is more here than stories or facts about borderline personality disorder. we have relationship skills in the lessons on each board that will aid you in building healthy relationships in the future, when you are ready for them. we have a personal inventory board and a building healthy relationships board for exploring yourself and building your future. these are all resources where you can begin to shift the focus from your ex to yourself if youre inclined. have you had a chance to explore them?

ps. the vast majority of us have a need to solve the puzzle, so to speak. this perspective may explain it: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0

[C.Stein]

i stated in a previous thread, i feel rumination gets an unfair rap sometimes.

youre only three and a half weeks post breakup. i personally ruminated daily for three or more months. im not setting that as a healthy bench mark. im just saying at some point it stopped and i dont regret the ruminating i did.

I agree.  Ruminating is part of the healing process.   Suppressing it leads to suppressing emotions that really need to be faced in order to heal.

Personally I am still ruminating daily at 8 months, although it is not nearly as severe as it was at month 3 nor are they impacting me like they were.

[HurtinNW]

I ruminate a lot, and once removed and others here have helped me understand it can be healthy. I am now using it as a tool. When I ruminate I stop and say, "you are ruminating. what are you feeling?"

I try to identity the feeling, which is usually hurt. I spend some time just trying to feel that emotion, process it.

I do two kinds of ruminating:

1) Ruminating over past events with the ex, trying to figure out reality, my role in the dysfunction, etc.

2) Ruminating over things he is probably saying or thinking.

I think the first case is me trying to understand what actually happened. The relationship was so reality-bending. The second one is me processing the level of devaluation and how much it hurt me. It is the way my mind is processing the hurt of having someone I love act as if they despise me.

[rfriesen]

I'm at almost six weeks out, so not that much longer than you, ahoy. I still ruminate every day, but I feel it's become a lot healthier. I like once removed's description of it as writing and rewriting the relationship. In my case, I haven't actually been writing things down, but I've taken long walks where I replay parts of my relationship with my ex. For the first few weeks, I would fluctuate wildly between positive and negative thoughts/emotions as I did this - as if I had suddenly taken on my ex's way of seeing our relationship all black or all white. I was processing the fact that a lot of my ex's accusations of lying/cheating/manipulating were projections of what she was doing. That was a huge blow to the ego and it hit me all at once, both physically and emotionally.

Now, at six weeks, I still ruminate every day, but I feel much more balanced. I feel a lot happier and like I'm coming back to being myself. I still hurt at times and replaying some things still makes me angry. But I can remember good times positively, and I can empathize a lot with my ex. She's hurting a lot. I've never been so close to someone in so much pain. I can't deal with the way she lashes out as a result, at least not in an intimate relationship. But I can empathize from a distance, and that's really helped me feel like I'm regaining my balance.

I would say for the first three or four weeks my ruminations felt excessive -- my ex was on my mind almost all day and it sometimes interfered with work or even daily conversations. But I think I needed to go through that. Now I'm still ruminating a lot, but starting to see how I'm gaining some emotional distance and control over the ruminations -- if I need to focus on something else, it's no longer a real issue.

Just wanted to share my experience -- I'm only a few weeks further out than you, and I can say that I've gone from reading this site almost compulsively (first few weeks) to checking in once or twice a day, and sometimes going a few days without visiting at all. Also, part of the key for me, I think, was just letting thoughts and feelings wash over me without worrying too much about it, without trying to DO anything about it or change my feelings, just leaving behind the whole power struggle and longing for control that seemed to define my relationship with my ex. It still strikes me as strange that a single relationship could so turn me around, but I actually had to relearn the simple fact that, whatever emotion or thought I was experiencing, it will pass and my world will be just fine.

[Ahoy]

Thanks again for your insight and words of wisdom.

I feel reassured that my ruminating is simply part of the detachment process. If I think about something that's unhealthy (like being shown pictures of her with her new partner by a concerned friend) rather than suppress it, like some of you mentioned, I let the feeling wash over me, accept I feel like crap and also in my head I'll say "She has abandonment issues, this is the only way she knows it to be" or "I filled a need until I didn't, this is just business for her". It can be tricky but I think it's a healthy way to analyse.

I work in a job where I interact with the public in emergency and heated situations, how I judge my success is my attitude towards people during stressful situations. In the whole 4 weeks I only lost my temper once (I kicked a bucket over) the remainder of the time I have not become a jerk or been rude.

I'll incorporate writing things down and going for walks when I feel a bit overwhelmed. I think at the very least writing things down keeps tabs on my progress, maybe even offer a little bit of hope, reading things from weeks ago seeing the gradual improvement in my attitude.

Thanks again guys, really enjoyed the replies.

[rfriesen]

Ahoy, yeah, I struggled with anger for a few weeks - not that I'd lose my temper at anyone, but I felt more irritable and would get flashes of anger thinking of my ex. I can relate to losing my temper at a stupid bucket getting in my way!  Ha, but normally that's not me at all -- I'm frustrated that my ex has temporarily turned me into a more irritable person. That has started to pass now, and it's wonderful to start feeling like myself again. I don't want to be pulled into my ex's world of anger and hate. Of course, she could also be incredibly loving and warm. It's been hard to get to a balanced view of it all. I believe my ex was for the most part sincere in her displays of emotion, in the sense that she truly felt what she was expressing as she was expressing it. She just has no ability to modulate and stay true to her own best emotions. So, for sure, I still get angry when I think of hurtful things she did. But I'm slowly getting to a point where I can also appreciate and be grateful for the good times. It really messes with my mind though. I had never dated anyone like this before, and it's the first time a relationship has left me with such an unpleasant aftermath.

[balletomane]

I was discarded on 15th April 2015, so I've been ruminating a lot lately. It feels like a step back, but I think it's normal to be triggered by certain dates. I wasn't helped by Facebook showing me my status from one year ago today - it wasn't even about my ex, but I could remember how I felt when I wrote those unrelated words and just seeing them again hit me.

But right now my main feeling is positive. I'm ruminating, but the thoughts are not giving me nearly as much pain as they were at the beginning. I can see my progress and I am accepting that at this time of year I may need to think about him more. I agree that you should be patient with yourself, and try to accept yourself for where you are now.

However, if you feel that rumination is becoming a real problem that's stopping you from getting on with your life, you can try using distraction techniques. At first the thought of my ex and what he did to me were clinging to me like a second skin, a skin made of lead, and there was no way I could forget them - it wasn't rumination, they were just there. But I had work to do. Life didn't stop for him. I had to find a way to go on even with the feelings. Going for walks was helpful, as was arranging social activities with other friends, and concentrating on my work tasks. These distractions didn't block the thoughts out, but they did distance them a little bit. A very little bit. The distance has gradually grown.

[neverloveagain]

I'm 2 years out of my 10 year relationship I still ruminate daily.

[jhkbuzz]

I do two kinds of ruminating:

1) Ruminating over past events with the ex, trying to figure out reality, my role in the dysfunction, etc.

2) Ruminating over things he is probably saying or thinking.

I think the first case is me trying to understand what actually happened. The relationship was so reality-bending. The second one is me processing the level of devaluation and how much it hurt me. It is the way my mind is processing the hurt of having someone I love act as if they despise me.

Thank you for your post. I'm a year and a half post b/u (and am doing well overall), but I've been struggling with this feeling of hurt (over being "despised" for so long that it never occurred to me to try to "name" it. You just did - thank you.

In the end, I understand that my ex treated me this way because she has significant mental health issues. What has really given me pause is that I don't think this lingering "feeling" really arises from my r/s with my ex. I think it actually arises from childhood - from one of my parents.

[WoundedBibi]

Today I struggle more than usual with figuring out reality. Maybe because in the past few days I read some posts stating things like "my ex was such a wonderful girl/guy if she/he just didn't have this mental illness we would be the perfect couple and ride into the sunset together". Because BPD is a personality disorder I personally don't believe you can separate their personality into the part with BPD and the part without. I think of their personalities as pieces of very well marbled meat (yes, watched some cookery shows this morning  ) > the BPD is throughout their personality and cannot be separated from it (and yes, gives their personalities their 'distinct flavour'.

It made me think though about who he is. What I liked about him. What I didn't. What behaviour I noticed. What information he gave. What he spoke about.

Maybe my ex has a really severe case of BPD or too much comorbidity going on but he was so unstable. The more I think about him, the relationship, his behaviour, the less I seem to be able to grasp.

The rapid shifting in mood, in behaviour, contradictions in what he said, speaking in riddles, one liners, the obscuring alcohol, the obscuring cocaine, mushrooms and god knows what else. Always flirting with if not hitting on women, insulted if not reciprocated, disgusted if reciprocated too much, saying he was 'accused of being bisexual' in a way that indicated he was offended, yet kissing a guy on the lips in front of me, always looking for arousal yet not really wanting sex as it was 'too much hassle' and not being able to perform either. Stating once, maybe twice a year was enough. "With a woman". Always wanting to look at beautiful sexy women, but not men, speaking of the time he had a female exotic dancer working for him he liked to look at, but then disgusted to the point of aggression when a woman at a bar -at the other side of the room- had on a tight dress. Saying he wanted me to be the mother of his children but never paying attention to any of our colleagues children (and some had some angelic toddlers they sometimes brought along). Stating he loved everybody so much. Stating he hated people. Stating he loved his sister so much it was almost incestuous. Still feeling guilty he as a child once hit her with a rock till it bled.

Going from strong yet sensitive and quietly happy man (one of my favourites), to cold businesslike with a hint of disdain and aggression, to jubilantly happy and joyfully boyish (another favourite), to misanthropic stating life was nauseating, to depressed self pitying alcoholic, to brooding misunderstood creative intellect, to sensible detoxing mediating yogi, to cruel punishing narcissist for triggering him, to stubbornly refusing to speak "love is to mind read me", to mistrustfully and filled with paranoia misinterpreting every word, to a man running from me every time I happened to be on the same floor afraid of engulfment, to a man not comprehending how he had offended his manager as if he was autistic, to a man who called me his lucky mascot but had to get drunk before he confessed he loved me "at a different level than others" while looking at me sideways with a look filled with a mixture of shame, fear and I guess a bit of anger.

Who the h*ll is this man? Or was. I know it shouldn't really matter anymore but today somehow it does. Maybe my memories are fading and I'm trying to grasp at something to hold on to? And I didn't have much tangible to start with... Maybe that's why, when I still did it, I spent so much time and energy searching. The relationship was only a few months, he was all over the place. Not only the love was fleeting (the devaluation I now see began almost instantly if not simultaneously with the idealization phase) but he was too. I still have a bit of need sometimes to make some sense of him, of where he comes from.

He has told me next to nothing about his life. Most I know I have pieced together from scraps of information I do have. I've always been really good at puzzles.

There is a big hole of years in his resume around the time he went to university. No idea why. He seems to have what seems to be a very solid group of friends back home from his childhood/teens/twenties. So his behaviour to them at least cannot have been horrible. Perhaps only women trigger him in relationships. His group of friends back home is mixed. Over here (and wherever else he lived after leaving home) it seems to be almost only women and gay men. Judging by pictures I found online in the past he seems to have become slightly more 'feminine' but it's not consistent. It seems to go up and down.

The only time he seems to have been a 'lad' though was when he was younger, back home.

I think the BPD has always somehow been there, changing jobs, education, direction, often but what might have made it come to the surface more (presuming it's true) is an incident when he lived in Africa for a while and during an unrest/coup someone put a gun to his head.

I know he has a form of OCD he does not recognize as OCD. I know his dad has OCD.

His FOO felt 'off' to me but the more I found the more 'off' it feels.

His dad never shows in any pictures, always just slips out of sight of the camera, guards any data as if he were a nuclear scientist. He spends a lot of time alone traveling taking beautiful photographs. A lot of them by night. He also writes a lot of 'letters to the editor' (my ex did the same every time he went back to live in his own country) protesting against anything and everything.

His mum shows herself all over social media. A lot of her kids friends on FB are hers on FB. Odd in my view. The public characters she likes are the likes of Elizabeth Taylor. Larger than life and lots of drama. She also protests against everything. Sends in protest letters, gathering signatures to send to the European Union on things to do with animal rights. She never ever ever smiles in pictures.

His sister, as he, is attractive, in her thirties and smart. She is stable in the sense that she has a good job and has had it for years. She has made a good career for herself, clearly has friends and fun. She is the only one in the FOO who really smiles in pictures WITH teeth.

She also clearly has not got kids, or a partner in any way, shape or form. And has not had one in many many years. And although she has friends and fun there is something lonely about her. Perhaps her masters degree in psychology made her understand the issues in her FOO have consequences for her generation too. She seems the most levelheaded. I have never met her. The flying monkeys that know her are as besotted with her as with him. My friends that know her say "yeah... .nice... .BUT... .very much two faces... ."

And yes, he was recreating dynamics from his FOO with me. I have two favourite drinks, let's say B and G. During the time with him I happened to favour one over the other, B. He drank the same. It was also what his father drinks. My other favourite drink, G, was what his mother drinks. Whenever we went out together, just him and me not with a group and not to the pub where they knew me and what I wanted, and he asked me what I wanted to drink and I asked for the drink I wanted, B, I always ended up getting drink G while he drank B. ":)on't know what happened" he then used to say.

Ridiculously long post. Sorry. Just needed to write as I was grasping at the fairground mirrors looking for the real ex or real memory. Some kind of reality. Gosh I need a nap...

[acidQ]

13 months since last contact and I still give too much time for this. I find it so difficult to stop frequently checking her social media and that often gives reasons to ruminate more. It really feels like an addiction at this point. Thankfully it doesn't feel as bad anymore but it certainly distracts me from studying and sometimes causes anxiety.

[Suspicious1]

I'm 2 years out of my 10 year relationship I still ruminate daily.

Me too! 2 years out of an 18 month relationship, and gutted the recovery is taking longer than the entire relationship lasted.