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Author Topic: Wonder what their family thinks...  (Read 619 times)
Herodias
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« on: April 17, 2016, 07:18:13 PM »

After having a brief texting conversation with his father about him doing my stbx's taxes. I pretty much asked him is he thought less of me for divorcing him and getting alimony. He said he knows me very well and does not think badly of me. He said he hasn't reached out because he doesn't want to cause me any pain... .hmmm. I think they only reach out if they need something. I told him my ex asked me to be his babies aunt- he said nothing of course. I just really wonder if he somehow thinks maybe a baby is going to change him and that maybe this girl is closer to his age and maybe this will make him better. I can't help but wonder since they had such hope with me... .I am sure his mother doesn't but his dad always has hope. I guess they have to, but I think they need to warn the gf to protect the baby. I think his mother actually will. How can the gf have a cop friend and a therapist friend and she is dating a criminal who needs major therapy? It's just ridiculous! The gf used to work in a detention center- probably saw people like him all the time! I can't wait until this doesn't bug me anymore, but I keep wondering when   the mask will fall or if it has. He has until June for his pending felony to be dropped, the same time our divorce to be final. Maybe all hell will break loose then. It's like we all went through so much and want to know we are not the only ones who will go through this with them! We know in our heads they continue without help. Its the wanting to know about it I suppose... .I bet we will eventually. I can't wait until I don't care anymore. Very frustrating!
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WoundedBibi
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« Reply #1 on: April 17, 2016, 07:48:05 PM »

What their family thinks? It depends on the family dynamics I suppose.

I've read a lot of posts here of in which family members admitted to the NONs the exes have issues and always had, or where family members have given up, or where family members are painted black too, or where families are in a toxic battle because they all have issues. The FOO I mean. And then of course there is 'your' option, where the parents show unconditional love and to a degree hope that someday somehow someone will cure their boy. I don't know the FOO of my ex but I sense something is off; so I think it is a mixture of hope that someday somehow someone will cure their boy and a BPD/NPD-ish mum and/or dad.

What the family they create thinks? The same you and I did? With me it will be different, the other women didn't get him. And maybe the new gf works in a detention center for a reason; like a lot of therapists and psychologists choose their profession because they have issues themselves. So if she works with criminals and chooses a criminal as a partner I would say she definitely has a tendency to want to save people.

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Herodias
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« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2016, 08:36:23 PM »

That's true! What is FOO ? I know FOG... , is this different?
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WoundedBibi
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« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2016, 08:49:08 PM »

That's true! What is FOO ? I know FOG... , is this different?

Very  Smiling (click to insert in post)  Family Of Origin  so mum and dad, siblings
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WoundedBibi
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« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2016, 08:51:06 PM »

As opposed to family you create with spouse and kids, in laws
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semantics

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« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2016, 10:51:51 PM »

Sorry you are going through this, OP.

This might not be of too much help but in divorce I was subjected to BPD label myself. I was never diagnosed with it but I completed DBT track to satisfy courts, and the custody evaluator later apologized to me for not evaluating me fairly or accurately the first time. I say that in preface because that situation made me dive deep into what even causes BPD. I've since completed several clinical trainings offered to licensed therapists, although I am not one myself.

Without looking again at any of the resources that are surely here, my quick layman response is that BPD is sourced in the early childhood in the very family you may be talking to. There was some neglect of your BPD partner's earliest self and attachment needs. It doesn't mean his family are bad people or even abusive; as a single mother and from my own FOO experience, I know directly that sometimes life throws curve balls at parents and they just can't do parenting full tilt the way we all wish would happen.

But whatever the case, his folks were part of what made this in him, and it doesn't mean they are bad or you should stop talking with them (it sounds like they are your family too). It just means there is maybe a level of sorrow or denial there that they may not be able to fully contend with.

Again I am very sorry you are having to go through this. My BPD ex's mother, when he and I were still together in our first phase (and about to break up, though only he knew that) confirmed so much of his tendencies in an hour long phone call she didn't realize was on speakerphone. He wanted me to hear it. Afterward he said, ":)o you understand what she said?" And I said yes. He said, "What did you understand?" And I said, you've always been like this. He nodded, and I wreathed my arms around him and just cried.

It isn't your fault. And his family knows, and they know they are somehow responsible for it, and they don't know how to fix or deal with it either.

((Hugs))
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Herodias
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« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2016, 05:52:29 PM »

Thanks Semantics, yes- I know they don't know how to deal with it either. I just hope they aren't the ones who gave him money to get a lawyer to go against me... .just horrible. Mine put me on the phone with his parents as well... .I suppose we all that we could love them enough and all would be ok. I don't see how him with a baby is going to change him for the better- we have all seen it here. It doesn't get better. Right now I am horrified by all of the postings of them with her pregnancy photos all over Facebook. Its just awful. I am really beginning to wonder about her... .she is really trashy. Maybe he really does like her better because of that. : (
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Herodias
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« Reply #7 on: April 18, 2016, 07:41:02 PM »

Well... .I just found out! His Mother deleted him from her Facebook friends! How is that for finding out what they think? Proud of her, but will only lead to him telling the gf how awful his Mother is.
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blackbirdsong
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« Reply #8 on: April 19, 2016, 03:18:24 AM »

Well... .I just found out! His Mother deleted him from her Facebook friends! How is that for finding out what they think? Proud of her, but will only lead to him telling the gf how awful his Mother is.

I won't even ask how did you found out this info... .Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Herodias
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« Reply #9 on: April 19, 2016, 05:33:53 AM »

I don't mind telling you... , because he has gotten a lawyer, any evidence I can use against him in court is important now. Their Facebook profiles are available to the public. I saw his mother delete him from her friends list then checked his to be sure. She's not on there. She now has to explain to her friends how her married son is having a baby with some fat chick mistress!  She doesn't look pregnant like most people with the big baby bump- she literally looks fat with her stomach hanging over her pants! His mother must be so embarrassed. He is friends with all of her friends on Facebook. I can't wait to be divorced from him and not need this info or to look at it anymore- my paralegal even said "gross".
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Hadlee
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« Reply #10 on: April 19, 2016, 06:16:25 AM »

Or he was the one to delete her.  That's common for a BPD, no? Smiling (click to insert in post)

What kind of evidence against him are you looking for?  And would FAKEBOOK reveal anything you could possibly use?  We know they fabricate so much, especially on social media sites.

Hope it's all over for you soon.

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Herodias
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« Reply #11 on: April 19, 2016, 06:24:00 AM »

Busygall, She has told me she doesn't want to look at his stuff before... .He is trying to win her love- they are naming the baby after her even! I suppose if she called him angry from the pictures, he could have been the one to do it, yes.  I need evidence of adultery... .their Facebook provides it very well for me. It used to be you had to hire a detective to get pictures. These people don't mind posting for the world to see that his mistress is pregnant- how stupid! Now why he has gotten a lawyer to defend himself I will not understand until I find out what my lawyer has to say... .
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Hadlee
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« Reply #12 on: April 19, 2016, 07:09:50 AM »

They certainly weave a web for themselves, don't they?  Silly man!
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