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Author Topic: Dealing with being painted black  (Read 3238 times)
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« Reply #60 on: April 19, 2016, 02:30:42 PM »

Stripey,

Perhaps you've already mentioned this but refresh my memory.  How long were you with him?  Once there was the initial break how long between the push/pull episodes?  When is the last time you were in contact with him?

LF
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« Reply #61 on: April 19, 2016, 02:32:26 PM »

Stipey,

Your ex sounds a lot like mine. I'm going on 4 weeks ST.  The day finally happened, our path's crossed on Friday night. I went to this local bar we both attend and our common friend was there, he said, "hey you just missed ****!", mind you it was 7 pm and he said he had been there since noon, got so drunk, threw up all over the table outside and got kicked out. Classy. So the guy said, he's probably still here waiting for his uber, come with me. I went downstairs, saw him standing with a friend, walked up to him, grabbed his arm gently and said "can you talk to me"... .he backed away and mumbled "I don't want to talk to you", walked toward his uber then kind of like oddly stared at me for 10 seconds before getting in. I thought I was going to be a mess, but I took a big breathe and put on my big girl panties and went back inside.

I went up to our mutual friend (who's a bouncer) and he was like why won't he talk to you? I'm like I have no idea but it's going on a month. He said it was weird because he was asking about me earlier that day, like if I had been in there at all. I thought that was strange, like why paint me black but then go around asking about me. Then I'm like did you ask him why it's over, and he said that it was hard to understand him because of the drinking but he mumbled something like, " I don't know what she does when I'm not here." (he goes away for work 6 weeks every other month, when he went ST on me it was the first time we had gone through his 6 weeks of being away). So found that kind of odd since he knows he could trust me. But yeah, my "first run in". He's only here for another week before he goes away again for work, but it's my birthday this week, so that will be hard. We had talked about going to Cabo and now I just have the two days off work to stick around town.

Still confused as to when/or if he is ever going to come around and why is he asking about me?
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« Reply #62 on: April 19, 2016, 02:33:13 PM »

Original post here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=292680.0
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« Reply #63 on: April 19, 2016, 02:58:28 PM »

Hi LF

I walked out on him on Christmas day from a bar when he wouldn't stop going on and on and on at me.

I have not once attempted to contact him since. But in the last 6-8 weeks I've seen him out quite a fair few times, and not least of all because I've stopped actively avoiding places in case he is there. I've been timing trips to the only main supermarket in town and other places I need to go in case I see him for godssake! I've been stepping out more and more recently, taking  a deep breath and just doing it.

Every time he's seen me he's walked past me and/or friends. The first time in a restaurant. The owner is friends with both of us... .it was excruciating.  The last time I saw him and know that he saw me was a couple of weeks ago when he walked past the bar and I was in it. I looked up just in time to see that he'd seen me and you should have seen the look on his face. He went home that week and blocked me on IG. So so sad. After 3 months of me staying the hell away.

I was with him from this time last year until almost September. Then he kissed me in October. Got back with me 1st November. Left me in December. Told me on Christmas day that I'm deleted from his life.

In short, it dominated most of last year and now I've just been left with the pieces to pick up by myself. I realise it was not long term but please don't underestimate the intensity or the feelings involved. I don't really think it's that relevant if I'm totally honest. It's the fact that it's an 'open wound' that I've been left to close by myself that is the problem. If I could just say oh it's been X months now, I should be feeling better... .I would.
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« Reply #64 on: April 19, 2016, 03:36:40 PM »

Stripey,

I fully understand as the intensity of these relationships is like no other.  And the feelings were mutual during most of our time together as well.  There's is not a doubt in my mind that she loved me---until she didn't.

The idealization phase for me was Oct '13 thru Sept '14 followed by several recycles from Nov '14 thru June '15.  We parted at that time and have only seen each other a handful of times since.

I discovered BPD during the Sept '14-Nov '14 break (meaning I've studied the disorder for over 1 1/2 yrs by now) so by the time we recycled I had a pretty good sense of what was ahead.  The reason I mention this is because it was extremely helpful in becoming as knowledgeable as possible about the disorder and I would strongly recommend that you do the same.  Read, read, read.  Learn, learn, learn. Post, post, post.  This site is superb and probably the best online source for nons.  I've also spent some time on pwBPD sites as well.

The point of all of this is as you become more and more knowledgeable you'll be able to make some sense of the nonsense.  Find some consistency in the inconsistency.  Recognize some patterns in the randomness.  I realize that this is very difficult at the present since you're consumed by "What the heck just happened?".  Just step back and work on you and you alone---and the best way of doing this initially is thru learning all that you can about the disorder.

The learning curve involved is measured in weeks and months---not hours and days.  Commit to becoming a BPD expert over the course of the next month and I'll guarantee that by mid-May you'll learn a whole lot about both him---and yourself.

Remember:  time + distance = clarity + objectivity

LF

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« Reply #65 on: April 19, 2016, 03:51:09 PM »

Hi LF

Trust me, I have been reading, and reading, and reading... .and reading. I'm learning more and more. This site has been an unbelievable comfort. I have NO doubt at all that my ex loved me. If I had to go out on a limb, I would say he is still attached.  I say this because someone who is indifferent doesn't go home after seeing their ex in a wine bar and block them on a social media when she doesn't even ever bother you. Probably in shock that someone stood up to him at last, and not only that but when he pushed me yet again, I took the hint and walked.  I didn't want to, let's be clear. I miss him. Every day.

I've learnt so very much these last few months, I'm slightly past the 'what the heck happened?' stage. I've got that bit clear I think. It's the coping with the current silent treatment/deletion/painting black that I am struggling with. I'm past the depression and extreme lows of a few weeks ago. Even the loneliness has dissipated. I am getting busier all the time. I am of course lonely in the romantic sense, and trapped in that I so want to be with someone... .but I don't want anyone else apart from him right now. Unless someone comes along who can top the feelings I had for him. I have to have faith that they will. In the mean time, keep busy. This too shall pass.

I reached for support on here because 1) I kept seeing similar themes on here that resonate with mine so much, it was impossible to ignore. It confirmed what I have suspected and researched for ages. It was a theory. Now, I am sure. I was just shocked to see the similar patterns they all follow... .as someone remarked on another thread, it's like they have a handbook. It is surreal.

but 2) because I miss my friend. I miss him so very much it's unreal. And unlike my last break up when I put 3,000 miles between us and started a new life, and WE are still friends... .it was a normal break up... .my BPD's house is approximately 4 minute's walk from mine. Our town is small. Our social groups shared and overlapping. All the ex pats here are like one big family.  I miss him so much and yet he's on my doorstep. And about a billion miles away from me.  That's why I need support.

Thank you
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« Reply #66 on: April 19, 2016, 04:15:45 PM »

We know what it's like. The pain. The depression. The what the heck moments. The recognition here. The ST. The being painted black. Having to be close while someone pretends you're dead (you) or wants you dead (me). And we all know breakups are painful anyway. Here we know these BPD breakups are super painful, like no other breakup ever. Like no other experience ever.

But we also know there is opportunity to learn from the relationship and the breakup. And two things about your last post worry me Stripey. That you so want to be with someone and that you hope someone will come along that can top the feelings you had for and with your ex.

So wanting to be with someone has a big risk attached. Of not seeing  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  , of getting in a relationship with the wrong guy...   The high we feel with a pwBPD can IMHO only be topped by a pw a PD... Whether it is BPD or NPD.

I don't want to be with someone right now. Yes, I am afraid sometimes I will end up alone. I know now I will never have children and accepting that is really really hard. But I want to be with me right now and not with anybody else. I need to be happy alone. I need to heal from all of this before any relationship would ever stand a chance. And I want the next relationship to be a healthy one. One without these incredible lows. That means I can't have the highs either. I need to understand what true adult love looks like instead of an instant intense soulmate connection that takes me on a roller coaster ride and makes me feel like either a junkie on a high or that has gone cold turkey.
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« Reply #67 on: April 19, 2016, 04:32:29 PM »

Ah... .no. You misunderstand me Bibi.  I most certainly do not want to be with 'someone'/'anyone'. Sorry, I should have explained that better.

I will be straight up and tell you I get asked out a lot. I have had plenty, plenty, of offers. Romantic, probably some not so romantic Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)... .you know what I mean. I am most certainly not lacking for male admirers and if I wanted to simply replace my ex with Mr. A. N other... I could do so tonight.

What I meant was, I don't want anyone until or if that moment comes that I meet someone who makes me feel as he did. And by that, yes, I mean I want someone who is both intellectually and physically attractive to me. I want no less than that. But, I want it without the crushing lows. Such a person would, by definition, top what I had with him. I just think that such a connection is not something that happens on an every day basis. BPD to one side for a moment, he and I truly had some undeniable common ground and connected on several levels.

In the meantime I am most definitely working out, making my home lovely, working hard, socialising and expanding my circles here. I'm not out on the prowl looking for the next one to plug the gap. I'm far choosier than that and have resigned myself to being alone until the right man comes along. I'll know when he does. I accept that in the meantime I have to embrace being alone.

That said, I will not shy away from stating that my life aspirations are to find a loving relationship and have someone with which to share my life, my body, and all that goes with it. I want that very badly. But not so badly that I will leap into just 'something'. I write this in my 5th month of solitude. As a woman at her 'peak' I am also, sadly, mentally writing off the possibility of motherhood if I don't meet someone soon-ish. But that's not the driving force for me. The fact that I want a lover, friend and partner to share my life with, packaged up in the right man, IS a driving force. I'm prepared to wait. But at the same time,  I'm not going to turn into Miss. Haversham.
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« Reply #68 on: April 19, 2016, 05:32:10 PM »

Thank goodness  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I know... all in one package... .it's why I was willing to overlook what I thought as minor flaws at the time. Intelligent, funny, witty, well read, well educated, original, his own person, had seen things in life, deep internal life, interested in literature, philosophy, haikus, yoga, travel, but pub nights too, and gorgeous to boot!
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« Reply #69 on: April 19, 2016, 06:11:21 PM »

Ha it is weird how they all have similar traits. Mine was soo funny, life of the party, very sociable, everyone loved him, smart, athletic, top of his job, national track star growing up, etc... .

I did notice a trend with the drinking too. Mine is always out, never wanting to just chill at home, needs to constantly be around people.

I'm surprised I haven't heard more military stories... .mine is military, thought maybe it was PTSD at first but I also read that gets wrongly diagnosed a lot with BPD. Maybe it's the mood swings... .
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« Reply #70 on: April 19, 2016, 06:19:46 PM »

Ha it is weird how they all have similar traits. Mine was soo funny, life of the party, very sociable, everyone loved him, smart, athletic, top of his job, national track star growing up, etc... .

I did notice a trend with the drinking too. Mine is always out, never wanting to just chill at home, needs to constantly be around people.

I'm surprised I haven't heard more military stories... .mine is military, thought maybe it was PTSD at first but I also read that gets wrongly diagnosed a lot with BPD. Maybe it's the mood swings... .

Noo... .no chilling at home... Then you're confronted with you. Distraction is needed from the turmoil within. Distraction is not found chilling at home. Distraction is out there. People, alcohol, bars, alcohol, noise, alcohol, music, alcohol, South American nose powder, alcohol, flirting, alcohol, dancing, alcohol...
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« Reply #71 on: April 19, 2016, 06:32:39 PM »

We chilled together at home a fair few nights... .especially in the beginning. But we also went out a lot too.
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« Reply #72 on: April 19, 2016, 06:49:04 PM »

All,

Eerily familiar behaviors once again.  Mine travelled constantly as well (pure escapism).  Additionally, since she had ample resources these weren't simply trips from state to state---more like country to country or continent to continent.

One funny story on that score.  Once she lamented that she was really no more than a "housewife" (core BPD behavior trait---lack of self-esteem).  I mentioned that a more appropriate term/title would be "stay-at-home mom".  She gave me a puzzled look and said "What do you mean? I'm never home!"

LF
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« Reply #73 on: April 19, 2016, 06:51:56 PM »

Staff only

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