Mothers Day is such a trigger for me

[todayistheday]

How about you.

All the images of loving mothers and children... .remind me of growing up thinking that it was normal to be afraid of your mom, that it was normal to think mom was the enemy... .how surprised I was when I found out that my friends actually LIKED their mothers.

Seeing all of the commercials

All of the loving Facebook posts

etc.

Then of course, if I don't go pay homage and take her out to eat, there will be he! to pay for the whole family.  But she doesn't want to go out to lunch on Mothers day due to crowds due to Mothers day and Graduation.

Soo, I waste a vacation day to go there on Monday after MD.

I make excuses to not go to church.  Church is all about Mothers.  Every woman gets a flower when they come in, even if they are not a mother, because they have one.

I will not go to church.   I teach a youth Sunday School class and I've already arranged for a substitute that day. Hubbie does not understand how tough it is on me.  He will be judgmental about me not going to church, so I'll be getting it from multiple ends.  Thinking I'll be feigning illness that day.

As the commercials start and the date gets closer, I get panic'd feeling.  I don't know how to stop that feeling.  Most of the time, I deal with the past pretty well. But with the bombardment of mother-adoration once a year, it gets hard.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Todayistheday

Mother's Day, it causes us to question our sanity!

All the images of loving mothers and children... .remind me of growing up thinking that it was normal to be afraid of your mom, that it was normal to think mom was the enemy... .how surprised I was when I found out that my friends actually LIKED their mothers.

It's so sad when we see other moms around us really loving their children. I usually thought that something was wrong with me, because I didn't seem to feel the same way others appeared to. I tended to do what I had to do in order to make it through the day, such as make sure I got a card for my uBPDm, etc.  None of us dared to forget of course!

I make excuses to not go to church.  Church is all about Mothers.  Every woman gets a flower when they come in, even if they are not a mother, because they have one.

I will not go to church.   I teach a youth Sunday School class and I've already arranged for a substitute that day. Hubbie does not understand how tough it is on me.  He will be judgmental about me not going to church, so I'll be getting it from multiple ends.  Thinking I'll be feigning illness that day.

Days like Mother's Day can be tough on a survivor of a pwBPD, especially a day set aside to honor and esteem them. How many of us dare to speak the truth about our moms to others? Here it is a safe place to do so, and I am glad that you shared your stress with us. When I say to people that my mom was a lot like the evil stepmother in Cinderella, they do not have the ability to comprehend. Perhaps your DH doesn't understand what is behind your discomfort with this day?

Would it be possible for you to try and reframe some part of the day to help you trigger less? For example, my observation is that you chose to not go to church because you understand the truth of what the day represents, and you do not wish to lie. You are being honest and truthful as you acknowledge that your mom was not a good mom. There is no minimization of your feelings that way, but hopefully validation that you are important in this equation too. Without you being the child, there'd be no mother.

Personally I think that you should get your own flower because you are willing to stand up and say, "My mom is not a good mom!" That takes courage. 

Wools

[cleotokos]

I know just how you feel (I'm sure so many of us here do). It was much harder for me to deal with when I had only recently come to the realization of what was "wrong" with my mother. Prior to that I just felt angry around Mother's day, and angry at the expectations my mother seemed to place around it - for adoration, for gratitude (for doing the bare minimum), to be celebrated. Mother's day tells them they are amazing just for the fact of having been mothers, no matter if they were good ones - the cultural assumption is that all mothers are good ones. Mother's day reminds us of what we were cheated out of - loving mothers who put our needs above their own.

[Turkish]

I hear you. I don't do facebook much (I use it primarily for an online photo album), but I can't stand to see the usual memes. I should be happy that people, especially daughters it seems, exhibit such public love for their mothers, but it angers me. I realize that's about me though 

[todayistheday]

I hear you. I don't do facebook much (I use it primarily for an online photo album), but I can't stand to see the usual memes. I should be happy that people, especially daughters it seems, exhibit such public love for their mothers, but it angers me. I realize that's about me though 

I agree.  I do not really get angry at the public displays.  More sad.  I am happy for those who have that feeling.  I'm sad that I was robbed of it.  There was a single mother/teenage daughter at a church  I used to attend.  The daughter often had her head on her Mother's shoulder during service.  It would bring tears to my eyes in more ways than one. In happiness for her and in mourning that I was robbed of that.

I do sometimes wish that in the acknowledgment of how happy some families are that there's the occasional acknowledgment that it's a rough day for some people for different reasons - people who don't have a "mom", due to death, separation, or mental illness.

Seeing the happy families posts is sweet, but it triggers the sad feelings that for the most part have disappeared. So I try to retreat myself during the season and let those who can enjoy it.  I sure don't want to rain on their parade.  It's that kind of feeling (being able to be happy for others) that helps me know that my faults are probably not inherited from my Mom.

[Swan22]

Mother's day has always been a stressor in my life! When I was young, I tried to be the "perfect daughter" and have the "perfect" card and present so that I wouldn't "ruin" her day. I didn't want to upset her. I wanted to make sure everything was "perfect."

Now, at 25, and knowing that my mother has BPD, knowing now that my childhood was abusive, knowing that my mother is not capable of loving me and mothering me the way I always wished she would, just makes the day sad.

I am so happy for people who have a real relationship with their mom. But I'm also sad and angry that I don't have that.

And it makes it harder because now that my mother and I are in communication, and she has accepted her diagnosis of BPD and is medicated, she wants to pretend that we have that Hallmark commercial relationship. That the past is all fixed. And she wants to celebrate as if it never happened.

And finding a card alone is a stressful experience. I no longer am willing to lie and buy the "you were the best mom and now you are my best friend" type of card... .But I run the risk of upsetting her if there is no sentiment.

Being married, I also have my wife's mother in the picture. She is a wonderful woman, who raised the love of my life. She deserves to be celebrated. She is one of those really wonderful moms. But it makes me sad, because I wonder why I didn't get a mom who got into therapy and worked out her issues and put me first.

My mom treated me more like the parent, so where is my card?

I recognize that my mother is ill, in more than one way, and I try to treat her with compassion. But I realize now that it is important to have even more compassion for me, and to take things slowly. Understand that I am mourning a relationship I will never have, and that I may only be up for a short visit on mother's day.

It has become extra hard because I will be going through my second father's day since my dad passed away very suddenly at 55 shortly after mother's day. My mother's health is not good, so I'm afraid of the guilt I'll feel if I don't do "enough" and something happens and I lose her suddenly too.

Sometimes, I wish there weren't holidays dedicated to parents or that they were less forced, like grandparents day! Some people have them, some don't. Some celebrate, some don't. There is less expectation and less pressure.