Never sure what to do, always walking on eggshells

[christine8989]

I just found out my MIL has deleted me off of Facebook (she is UBPD). Normally I wouldn't give this another thought. But, I'm left racking my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong. I hosted Easter for my husband's family and I thought it went well. Minus a couple of hiccups of dysfunction (which I've come to accept). But, since then I've been deleted.

I'm the kind of person that tries to figure out what I did wrong and fix it.  My husband (who is very supportive of me and is a good husband) said to not address it. That she's not a nice person and that you can't figure out an irrational response from an irrational person. Which is easier said than done. It's especially hard for me to forget as I'm trying to navigate through my own depression.

I guess I have a hard time navigating the vitriol she doles out when she thinks she's been wronged in some way. I'm left feeling guilty, even thought I can't figure out what I did. How do you guys deal with these kinds of feelings? How do you become a person who lets things roll off your shoulders? I'm so new to this kind of behavior, so I have a harder time trying to deal with it than my husband and his siblings.

[Turkish]

It sounds like your H and his family have detached from the drama, having grown up with it for decades. They may not be able to relate on an emotional level to your struggles. You are who you are. You as a person don't need to be "fixed." My T called me a "Rescuer." He said that he was, too, and that there was nothing wrong with that. It can become an issue, however, when we let ourselves be the targets of unacceptable behaviors.

Do you have a struggle with asserting boundaries? Your MIL may see you as an easy target since her kids have developed those boundaries.

What do you think id the root of your depression? Did you also grow up with a parent who may have exhibited Borderline traits, resulting in you tending to feel responsible for the feelings of others at the expense of your own?

[christine8989]

I think you're description of me as a rescuer is quite accurate. I've always been super protective of my loved ones and I've always been one to stand up to others. I'm trying to learn how to set boundaries. I think one of the hardest things is with her you never know what's going to make her angry and you don't know how angry she will get. My husband tells me you I did nothing wrong and it's all her problem. But, still it's hard to not feel guilty, even though you don't know what you're supposed to be guilty for.

So far the root of my depression is a genetic thing (my Dad deals with it) and hormonal. It's triggered by stress (many times my husband's parents are at the root of that stress). Despite my Dad's depression I grew-up in a loving, stable respectful household. Which is what leads to my issues with my husband's family.

My husband told me not to respond to the Facebook thing and not give her any attention, because I did nothing wrong.

[jdtm]

I think one of the hardest things is with her you never know what's going to make her angry

The things that will make her angry are those things you never said, never did, e're never even thought.  I've been there; and you are correct; it is so difficult to not try and "fix things".  After all, your actions and expectations are reasonable, hers are not (and never will be).  I believe your husband is correct - one cannot reason with a person who can not reason. Keep a smile on your face and knowledge in your heart that "it is all about her and not you" and gradually distance yourself emotionally.  It does take time - like I said - "been there".  So sorry ... .

[Pilpel]

Christine, I have a similar experience where I never know what is going to make my SIL upset.  I never know what she'll get angry about, and I find myself trying to anticipate and avoid anything that might trigger her.  But when she's in a mood, there is nothing that helps.  We've also had some problems since Easter, which we hosted.  My SIL seems upset at us about something.  We've been trying to be gracious and loving, so we have no idea what she's upset about. 

I don't know if I'm a rescuer.  I look ahead at the future, and I want things to be better-- or at the least tollerable.  But I dread getting to the point of realizing that it won't and that we have to confront the choice of cutting ties.  But if it comes to that I want to make sure I tried my best. 

[christine8989]

I understand. There was a certain point last year where my husband didn't cut ties, but he thinks of his parents in a certain way. He said "I just try and think of them as the people who raised me. I don't really think of them as a Mom and Dad. Because they never act like a Mom and Dad." I think that says a lot about how he and his siblings have had to almost compartmentalize their childhood. Because of his traumatic childhood my husband is a very resilient, mentally strong person. That's not to say he doesn't have his breaking points. I've seen him have breakdowns over his childhood and parents. Which in turn makes me even more protective of him.

Pilpel, what do you do in situations with your SIL. I've found sometimes I can't win. If I try to ignore the problems and disassociate I'm accused of being cold. If I try to set boundaries, I'm met with anger and hostility.

[Pilpel]

Christine, It's a struggle.  When she starts to get tense, I go into "keep the peace mode" and I just try to not offend her.  And I always hope she'll get over whatever is bugging her and things can go on --just like we get over things that bug us.  But thinking back, I don't know if that's ever happened.

I have to say, though, that one thing that has been really effective with SIL is reflective listening.  We've only done it formally, meaning we all agree to get together and talk.  It's basically the method described in the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells," but less spontaneous.  We basically get together  --she talks, and I repeat back what she says.  Then I talk, and she reflects back what I say.  This seems to work because when you have to repeat back what the other person says, it slows down the conversation and it takes out a lot of the emotion and triggering reaction that usually causes things to escalate.  It seems to sooth her to have her feelings reflected back.  And it gives me a fairly safe place to speak honestly.  She does tend to assert control over these talks, but ultimately we feel more connected and whatever dark cloud was over her seems lifted for awhile.

After the last time I saw her and she left us all walking on eggshells, I thought to myself that I really need to prepare myself before I see her, so that I can ask her what's going on and be prepared to go into reflection mode.  For me it's such a knee jerk reaction to just try appease her and avoid conflict.

I'm not very good with establishing boundaries with SIL.  But it does seem like the people who have stayed in her life the longest are people who do have strong boundaries with her.  Not only am I bad at taking such a tough stand with my boundaries.  But being family, I think she has different expectations on me than she does other people.  I know of some other people who were in her life for ten years before they saw the narcissistic bully side of her, whereas I saw it right away. 

Ultimately my SIL wants people in her life.  And I think she genuinely wants to do right.  So I don't think she would ever unfriend me, like your MIL did.  It has to be a real quirk in how her brain works, like someone who is autistic, right?  Yet, she's very intelligent in so many ways, which makes it hard to really understand.