5 1/2 years later...The disease wins, save yourself now

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I've not posted here in ages. I still read on occasion because the advent of BPD in my life, changed me forever.

The short version of my story is... .I fell in love with and had a relationship with a person who displays many if not most of the symptoms of BPD.  As most of you know by living this life, the wheels on the bus fall off! And so, about three months after the relationship started, the five year saga of push/pull, break up make ups began, AND continued. 

These things I know are true, love is not enough! Understanding is not enough, detaching and remaining somewhat indifferent is the only way to be with someone who has the symptoms of BPD.  And? who wants to be in a relationship where you can rarely seek emotional and physical support? A relationship where your needs, wants, thoughts take a backseat?  There is rarely a time when you are the star or where you are the one of importance.  I'm not a selfish person at all, I know how to share, listen, converse and problem solve. But there are times when I really need to be the weaker person and want my loved one to support me, to listen to me, to hold me and it almost certainly cannot happen in a relationship with a person with BPD.

After being in a quasi, or defacto type relationship for the last five years, (sometimes very real, others turbulent and fake) I told the truth about wanting the commitment, about needing to sometimes be the one who could cry and be supported (I have a terminally ill family member), about my needs being first once in a while, and most importantly, about not wanting to be a place holder, someone to fill the time until the "real deal" came along.  Telling the truth really does set you free in your heart and mind, it's like a load being lifted!  But it also, most certainly means the end of any kind of relationship with your person who exhibits symptoms of BPD.  I feel as though it is finally truly over, mostly because I am done, my head is done with soo much effort.  I loved this person, deeply and it hurts to be done, but I have to save myself and I know deep down inside nothing will ever change, no matter how I try reconfigure the situation, it will not change.  I'm sad but I will be alright.

For all of you wondering what you should do? wondering how it will be if you go back?  Be kind to yourself, and know that YOU and only YOU will know when you are finally done.  Only you will know, when all the push and pulls no longer have an effect on your heart, when you dont cry, when you talk about them and are not emotional, when you no longer care what they are doing and who they are doing it with, that is something very very private and individual, so do not beat yourself up if you go back for more, two times or twenty times, you will know. 

Peace.

CiF

[Cardinals in Flight]

I've not posted here in ages. I still read on occasion because the advent of BPD in my life, changed me forever.

The short version of my story is... .I fell in love with and had a relationship with a person who displays many if not most of the symptoms of BPD.  As most of you know by living this life, the wheels on the bus fall off! And so, about three months after the relationship started, the five year saga of push/pull, break up make ups began, AND continued. 

These things I know are true, love is not enough! Understanding is not enough, detaching and remaining somewhat indifferent is the only way to be with someone who has the symptoms of BPD.  And? who wants to be in a relationship where you can rarely seek emotional and physical support? A relationship where your needs, wants, thoughts take a backseat?  There is rarely a time when you are the star or where you are the one of importance.  I'm not a selfish person at all, I know how to share, listen, converse and problem solve. But there are times when I really need to be the weaker person and want my loved one to support me, to listen to me, to hold me and it almost certainly cannot happen in a relationship with a person with BPD.

After being in a quasi, or defacto type relationship for the last five years, (sometimes very real, others turbulent and fake) I told the truth about wanting the commitment, about needing to sometimes be the one who could cry and be supported (I have a terminally ill family member), about my needs being first once in a while, and most importantly, about not wanting to be a place holder, someone to fill the time until the "real deal" came along.  Telling the truth really does set you free in your heart and mind, it's like a load being lifted!  But it also, most certainly means the end of any kind of relationship with your person who exhibits symptoms of BPD.  I feel as though it is finally truly over, mostly because I am done, my head is done with soo much effort.  I loved this person, deeply and it hurts to be done, but I have to save myself and I know deep down inside nothing will ever change, no matter how I try reconfigure the situation, it will not change.  I'm sad but I will be alright.

For all of you wondering what you should do? wondering how it will be if you go back?  Be kind to yourself, and know that YOU and only YOU will know when you are finally done.  Only you will know, when all the push and pulls no longer have an effect on your heart, when you dont cry, when you talk about them and are not emotional, when you no longer care what they are doing and who they are doing it with, that is something very very private and individual, so do not beat yourself up if you go back for more, two times or twenty times, you will know. 

Peace.

CiF

[WoundedBibi]

A courageous decision and IMO the right one 

No one can always be the bigger one, the cool one, the sensible one and sweep their own needs under the carpet.

[FannyB]

Very well put CiF - and thank you for taking your time to dispense wisdom based on personal experience so that others may be spared the lesson that you so painfully learned.

I came to the conclusion a while back that I couldn't be a lover to my uBPDexgf and effectively act as her parent too. All healthy relationships are based on mutual trust and understanding - and the knowledge that you will be there for each other in times of need. A pwBPD can't sign up to this. Their needs have to come first and they lack the emotional energy to shore up a struggling partner when every day is a battle for them to keep their own heads above water.


Fanny

[JerryRG]

Well said Cardinals

I too realized I was wasting my time and not getting anything back, I couldn't get one thing my way except the occasional meal decision which isn't much. Our relationship was her way, no compromise, no discussion or I was told I was demanding, manipulating or worse.

I told my exBPDgf, GAME OVER, Changed my number and closed that door forever.

[Grey Kitty]

 

I remember you from one of those prior times a while back.

You sound like you are at peace with your ending. Glad to hear that.

I wish you the best going forward from here... .it is quite a journey!

[hopealways]

Thank you for this beautiful post.

You are so right.

I think the hardest part of a BPD relationship is the Push/Pull, especially during the FINAL discard (if there ever really is a final one). Push/pull isn't even a DSM criteria but it seems everyone has experienced it. That awful feeling of being taken up so high only to be thrown down.

As hard as it sounds, don't go back to these people. Their friends may not understand the disorder and think our relationships just didn't work out but they are severely disordered and should be avoided at all cost.

[JQ]

Cardinal,

You speak words of wisdom from years of personal experience and I thank you for your heart felt post. I can respect what you say because I've lived it not once, but more then once. I knew if I didn't look inward at myself, my history and learn from my past that I was condemned to repeat it with recycle after recycle.  Like you I had reached a point that it was time to get off the crazy train roller coaster and let her deal with her own flying monkey's. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SESI19h4wDo    and keep a sense of humor   

We all stumble on our journey of self discovery and healing from a BPD r/s.  I recently did and those in the group here gave me encouraging words and sound guidance. Again I thank all of you for that moment I stubbed my toe.  I also found this a while back and had to watch it several times and want to share it with you for those times you might stumble on your continuing journey.    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZQeMv5PXhg

You have walked your journey and come out on the other side smarter, wiser and happier with yourself ... .and the journey continues. My wish for you on your journey is may you always have the wind at your back and the sun shining on your face!   

J

[Fr4nz]

I've not posted here in ages. I still read on occasion because the advent of BPD in my life, changed me forever.

The short version of my story is... .I fell in love with and had a relationship with a person who displays many if not most of the symptoms of BPD.  As most of you know by living this life, the wheels on the bus fall off! And so, about three months after the relationship started, the five year saga of push/pull, break up make ups began, AND continued.  

These things I know are true, love is not enough! Understanding is not enough, detaching and remaining somewhat indifferent is the only way to be with someone who has the symptoms of BPD.  And? who wants to be in a relationship where you can rarely seek emotional and physical support? A relationship where your needs, wants, thoughts take a backseat?  There is rarely a time when you are the star or where you are the one of importance.  I'm not a selfish person at all, I know how to share, listen, converse and problem solve. But there are times when I really need to be the weaker person and want my loved one to support me, to listen to me, to hold me and it almost certainly cannot happen in a relationship with a person with BPD.

After being in a quasi, or defacto type relationship for the last five years, (sometimes very real, others turbulent and fake) I told the truth about wanting the commitment, about needing to sometimes be the one who could cry and be supported (I have a terminally ill family member), about my needs being first once in a while, and most importantly, about not wanting to be a place holder, someone to fill the time until the "real deal" came along.  Telling the truth really does set you free in your heart and mind, it's like a load being lifted!  But it also, most certainly means the end of any kind of relationship with your person who exhibits symptoms of BPD.  I feel as though it is finally truly over, mostly because I am done, my head is done with soo much effort.  I loved this person, deeply and it hurts to be done, but I have to save myself and I know deep down inside nothing will ever change, no matter how I try reconfigure the situation, it will not change.  I'm sad but I will be alright.

For all of you wondering what you should do? wondering how it will be if you go back?  Be kind to yourself, and know that YOU and only YOU will know when you are finally done.  Only you will know, when all the push and pulls no longer have an effect on your heart, when you dont cry, when you talk about them and are not emotional, when you no longer care what they are doing and who they are doing it with, that is something very very private and individual, so do not beat yourself up if you go back for more, two times or twenty times, you will know.  

Peace.

CiF

Beautiful post CiF, in some points it resonates with my experience so much... .

Keep posting if you need to vent further, we're all here to help!

[Cardinals in Flight]

Thank you all!  If one person can benefit it's so worth it to share.

We were definitely trauma bonded and I had issues from my childhood of care-taking from a very early age.  I was "ripe" so to speak. 

This sucks, there is no denying that, and my "stuff" isn't always all together.  I miss her terribly, but then, I can breathe deeply and remember that it was usually about an hour in to any conversation or visit before, "how are you?", or "how was your day?". I felt as though I was a dumping ground for every single wrong, negative, bad feeling she had.  And honestly? when those questions did come after a couple years and conversations about relationship equity? I was pleased to death because it felt like progress and I treated it as such in a positive way.  My goal was to always be positive.  See? we all are willing to take crumbs and for me, I deserve so much more.  I'm an imperfect human, I've always believed nothing is too big to work out by talking and laying all the cards on the table, nothing was unforgivable. 

Another person described my "relationship" recently as being like a ghost-friend.  Sad but true. :'(

Everyone's journey is unique, and like I said yesterday, you are not done, until you are done.  Nobody in the whole wide world wanted this to work more than me.  I believe in love, I believe everyone deserves love.

Peace,

CiF

[patientandclear]

Hi 

I'm so proud of you for asking for what you need, and not backing away from that because of the possibility or probability that she would not (at least immediately) respond well. You do deserve what you asked for. And I think a bit of us dies when we give ourselves intimately to someone who won't do that.

I recall with my exH (not the man who brought me to these boards) once, at a very hard point in my life (pregnant, mom dying, we were bankrupt due to his failing business) I told my H "I can't take care of you right now. I need your help and I need you to take care of me." (I wasn't being extreme, I just needed him to accommodate my comparative weakness for a little while and pick up the slack). He said, very simply, he could not do that. It was important information. I gave up that day on having a real r/ship, though it ended for real a couple years later.

Glad you asked. People can't give us what we need if we don't ask--and even if they can't it's still the right thing to do.

[Conundrum]

These things I know are true, love is not enough! Understanding is not enough, detaching and remaining somewhat indifferent is the only way to be with someone who has the symptoms of BPD.  And? who wants to be in a relationship where you can rarely seek emotional and physical support? A relationship where your needs, wants, thoughts take a backseat? 

Hi, it's true that a partner's failure to reciprocate, insidiously tears away at the fabric of the relationship. For what benefit is there when only one partner gives and the other takes. That always results in a climate of festering resentment. I'm sorry that you suffered despite loving her.

However, it's important to differentiate between a recalcitrant unprogressive partner and those who have reached a level of self awareness that motivates them to transcend their faulty circuitry and reprogram their disordered software.

I think many here may be personally unfamiliar with the advances and professionalism that can be found within certified DBT evidence based therapy centers that are structured to address so many problems that pwBPD experience both internally and concomitantly in their relationships. These (18-month programs)--tailored to teaching the language of DBT, excel for those who commit to the process.

It is a beautiful experience seeing the light shine into dark recesses. When one who has used fractured tools--so fused into their identity that the two are indiscernible--begins to learn a new language of being.

For the path to the summit begins at the bottom. All things change.