Step Parent with no rights.

[KarenDH]

My Ustbxw and I have been separated for over 2 years. Up until we separated, we were working diligently with a couples therapist, individual therapists and a psychiatrist - to get her diagnosed. Then she split me black in the worst way possible. I decided that it was over and not healthy for me, I worked hard to get my SS to go live with his biological father. According to the law a child can only have 2 parents and as his step mother I had little or no legal rights to him. Luckily her ex knew that she wasn't the most stable but they were very young and barely together for 2 years so he thinks that she's just dramatic.

My SS has been living with his father for almost 2 years now. I talk/skype/text to my SS weekly, he is almost 13. I raised him, through all of her ups and downs, I held our household together. But because she lives near him I do not visit him- I am fairly certain she will physically intervene and make it so I never see him again. Her ex-husband has clearly stated that if things get messy between my Ustbxw and I that he would not allow me to see him. He doesn't want to drag our son through that messy drama. I agree.

Every now and then I get a text from her suddenly thinking that we should co-parent and that I should have a more active part in our son's life. These past couple weeks, I have been watching her spiral out of control. She is sending me emails and text messages about how unhappy my SS is. She's alluding to the fact that she thinks her ex-husband is abusive. She painted him as abusive throughout our 10-year marriage and as a good spouse I believed her.  I have since come to realize that she is messed up by her reality is tainted by her own childhood trauma and her mental illnesses. Now I don't know what to do. What is I am wrong?

I've seen it happen so many times I can tell that she's getting ready to spiral. I can hear her words coming out my SS's mouth when he talks about his dad. I am in NC with her. I have only communicated with her 4 times in the last year as I keep getting incorrect divorce papers from her that I cannot fix.

I don't know what to do. If I reach out to her ex-husband it will create a complicated- drama filled scenario that would fuel her hatred for the both of us. If I respond to her it can escalate and cause her ex-husband to deny me access to my SS. If my SS were to ever live with his mother. I would never try to contact him- She is dangerous. It is frustrating to be so powerless. I wish I could get my life together a lot faster that it is taking. I am still a parent to him but in limbo.

I needed to rant...

[Turkish]

Dad sounds like he has your kid's best interest at heart to keep the lines of communication open. It sounds like she's the one failing her coparenting role, and she shows signs of triangulating you into their drama because she can't cope.

Do you think it might be wise to warn him (for you, not him), leaving aside the specifics such as her accusations? What does your gut tell you, given your r/s with him?

[ennie]

Seems like good advice, Turkish. 

I just wanted to validate you as a parent.  While it feels like you have no power, and you have no legal power so that is true in some ways, your consistency and love can be powerful enough.  My SD is about to turn 16, and she has been through so much.  I would have never predicted how our relationship is now, at least not so early.  She went from being totally parentified and focused on mom's needs.  But now, at 16, she is starting to be her own person.  She loves her dad and mom, and they are her parents.  I have been in her life since she was 7.  But now, she is able to see her mom as someone who needs help, who struggles, and who she does not trust the way she trusts her dad and I.  She tells me she trusts me because I never judge her mom, even if I can talk to her about herm mom's behavior and how painful it is for me.

At this age, she needs someone who can see her mom clearly without blame.  She wants to be able to separate from mom, not to repeat mom's mistakes, without hating her mom.  And she is pulling this off.  It is hard work.  It takes a huge amount of self-awareness, very unique in someone 16.  I think a good part of this is my ability to hear her, validate and understand her feelings, while not invalidating mom. 

Your role, as someone who really loved your stepchild's mom, but who is dedicated to raising her child, more so than mom is, is so important.  Before you know it, your stepson  will be old enough to choose for himself who he spends time with, and he will need support.  18 seems a long way off at 13, but in truth it is not. 

I just want to encourage you to do what you can to keep your low profile, stay in his life, and let him know you love him no matter what.  It is so important for a kid to know he has a parent that is willing to deal with difficulty to be there for him. 

[KarenDH]

Your role, as someone who really loved your stepchild's mom, but who is dedicated to raising her child, more so than mom is, is so important.  Before you know it, your stepson  will be old enough to choose for himself who he spends time with, and he will need support.  18 seems a long way off at 13, but in truth it is not. 

I just want to encourage you to do what you can to keep your low profile, stay in his life, and let him know you love him no matter what.  It is so important for a kid to know he has a parent that is willing to deal with difficulty to be there for him. 

Thank you Ennie. I luckily work in Trauma response with children. So my training has been applied to my life in ways I will forever be grateful for. I know I'm his parent. It's that knowledge that makes watching him get hurt the hardest. thank you for your kind words.

Karen