I've been married to a BPD sufferer for over 30 years.

[amajen]

I'm new here and new to the world of BPD, I have known something was very wrong for gosh, 30 plus years. I feel a bit simple saying that. I should have left when the kids were all home and the abuse was out of control. I think I kept thinking once the kids move out he will be better because they are his triggers most the time? then we were empty nesters for about 3 years and we were mostly in the silence mode, He would have explosions, tell me as always he cant even talk to me because I'm overly sensitive to his outbursts. I had an AW HA moment on our last vacation, He had an outburst at me about and in front of a grand child.This was in front of two of my sons and a daughter in law)  Something happened, I woke up, as I stood there humiliated and speechless. I came across the symptoms of BPD and cried, It is him to a tee except the suicide part, he has threatened that before but only when he is very stressed( like my parents living with us for 3 months). His volatile behavior has switched, right now to suffocating me because he sees that I am changing, reading self help books, I went to a counselor once, but her, " Im gunna need to talk to both of you and get his side of the story", sent me packing. He searches thru my text messages at night, he checks my emails, a new app on my phone that tracks my miles, I put on for business purposes but he uses it to see why it took me so long to get from one place to the other.I have not only never given him a reason not to trust me, I have alienated friends,family, I never even consider "friending" a male on facebook. Its all so very sad, I do love him very much but have finally come to the realization that no amount of me giving up myself will make him feel whole. I found the Fable by Edwin Friedman, "The Bridge", WOW, powerful, I was standing on that bridge yelling down, for him to pull himself up or I'm going to have to let go, He yells up to me, No i'm your responsibility. Most the information I've come I've been reading and studying so much and come to the consensus that I need to be completely ready to leave and take care of myself.Set him down and tell him we need a separation, so he can seek help and I can heal. As I type that I realize how ridiculous it is for me to think he is going to say, " You are so right". I know from past experience he will either completely break down, or rage. I have been going out of my way to keep him from raging, or any of that until I can get some money put back to take care of myself. I joined this group to see if I could get some guidence from others who have been where I am.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

 

You are in the right place to start down path of embracing the knowledge and tools you need to grow.

You can succeed using this site as a foundation. The relationship may last or it may fail, but you will gain control of your choices and learn ways to enact them. That is the basis towards a better you.

Your feelings of isolation and hopelessness will be lifted.

His life is his life, and your life is yours, each is responsible for how dependent they are on the other. It is not appropriate to force your dependence on the other.

As you start to shine the light on this disorder you will see how it has distorted your life right down into every little recess of it.

You wont rid him of it, there is no magic cure, nor will just a few therapist visits fix it. But you can manage it better, change some parts and not let other parts bother you as much. YOU will change, that is your goal here for that is what you can control

Waverider

[Mustbeabetterway]

 welcome amajen.   So glad you joined this forum.  It takes courage to seek change.  I think that you will find that most members have similar experiences.

The lessons on the right are very helpful.  Try reading them.  Take care of yourself.

Again welcome!

[Dutched]

amajen

May I welcome you too!

Have been there for 30+ years too so I understand having a very, very long history together in which you worked on a mutual future, being settled at this age, having confidence in a mutual future and already enjoying thoughts and have plans once retired. Exw blew all up in her uncontrollable and typical outburst.

I suggest in order to prepare and begin to set boundaries, despite your decision to leave one day or not.

Seems you’re avoiding already to get drawn in his projected rollercoaster. Not getting involved is the right thing, just leave the room. Optional saying, with a normal voice (that requires a lot discipline, I know), “I am willing to discus further once all calmed down, that would be more constructive I think”  => “I”  so giving him no feeding ground.

This one is more difficult to do, but it will help you in the long run in order to prepare and guard your privacy.

So tell him: ‘I will not accept that my phone is checked anymore.  So use “I” only, not using the word “you/name husband”(!), “you/name husband” is not mentioned, the “you/name husband” is not present. 

He will do it again, no doubt. Then you need to activate an access code(!) on that phone. Ask some one who knows to do so.

When he finds out he will get angry…  just calmly repeat: “lately I said that I will not accept that my phone is checked, so a code had to do it for me” and walk away, just walk away! Stick to that, no discussion possible.

Matters will be worse in the beginning as he will be overwhelmed by you calmness and sudden change in behaviour, but after a while it gets better when you consequently stick to that and claim your strength and boundaries.

I gave you some suggestion and other members will have more experience with setting boundaries and using   techniques in order to canalise behaviour. The way I described it, worked in my case, you will know it in your case.

In the meanwhile makes plans (still, leaving one day or not)

Try to reconnect with your family and old friends and strengthen the bond again. It is only a molehill to overcome. For that FB is useful, just connect and have a chat about the old days. Build it up in order to get that deeper connection back, suggest to meet, etc.

Visit some social activities gatherings, join a club or volunteer (make it all YOUR activity when he objects).

Try to get closer to the ones you are already close with, at a certain point you need confidants, but be careful who to choose.

Why, you need it now for your wellbeing, you need it when staying AND certainly when leaving…

See that you get knowledge of all your financial obligations, insurance policies, mortgage, retirement plans.

Get a full picture of inheritances, etc. and safeguard old family belongings! (that will be your weak spot in case of!)

Open (if not already) a 2nd bank account in case of (and don’t give anyone the access code)

Same with you logon codes, makes them yours only (I can imagine he does it already…, but also "having the right to know yours", like what’s mine is mine, what’s is yours is mine too…).     

IF, please rethink all carefully as YOU are emotionally NOT ready to leave! It will break you up.

The attachment is to strong, all your thoughts are in a way fresh and (above all) most likely your husband seems to be a High Functioning BPD as exw in my case. Divorcing from these partners is a nightmare, even more high conflict than ‘average’ on this Board, so you need to be well prepared.

A difficult one to consider. When you decide to leave, you will loose your life, loose all as you know it, have known it for that 30+ yrs.(yes leaving the bad times too)

Even the smallest things will be gone, birthdays, Christmas, family gatherings, etc. never ever this and more will be the same, not even some one around to fix something, or one around to ask a 2nd opinion, not that mate and trusted feeling around you anymore.

Not saying to stay, not saying to leave one day.

That 30+ yrs. will be gone and you will need to start over as if you were a 20yrs. old again… But... .like me, you are not. All in "our" age carry a weight with them, have like us kids and family already... .

Full detachment will take a 3 to 4 yrs. after such a long period.

Take care!

[Dutched]

amajen

I mentioned High Functioning as these types in the spectrum (sorry to use words for a human/person like this!) are more stable, can have on average relatively stable and long term relationsships.

It might help to gain more insight.

Randi Kreger, co-author of Stop Walking on Eggshells, says the situation with high functioning will look more like this:

Denial is their primary characteristic. They disavow having any problems and see no need to change. Relationship difficulties, they say, are everyone else’s fault. In couples therapy, their goal is often to convince the therapist that they are being victimized

They cope with their pain by raging outward, blaming and accusing family members for real or imagined problems (“acting out”) or abusive to significant others

Family members’ greatest challenges include coping with verbal abuse, trying to get their family member to seek treatment, and maintaining their self-esteem and sense of reality.

They refuse to seek help from the mental health system. If they do go, they usually don’t intend to work on their own issues.

They may hide their low self-esteem behind a brash, confident pose that hides their inner turmoil. They usually function quite well at work and only display aggressive behaviour toward those closed to them (high functioning). But the black hole in the gut and their intense self-loathing are still there. It’s just buried deeper

Situational Competence in most places other than the home

Are often perfectionists in some areas of their lives and sometimes do achieve near perfection in these areas

Well Thought of in the Community

Highly Successful Professionally

Lack of Physical Self Mutilation    

[Notwendy]

That is a helpful list. I grew up with a low functioning BPD mother, so I would completely miss the idea in a high functioning person. So I was shocked when similar issues ( raging, projection, communication) appeared in my relationship with someone who is not at all like my mother. Whatever is going on with my H ( traits? ), my own behaviors were exacerbating the problems between us.

Improvement in the relationship started with me. From my own FOO, I was co-dependent and enabling. Stopping these behaviors was an important step- and they remain so whether one stays or not. Reading self help books is a help and also individual T to help with setting up boundaries, and looking at our own enabling behavior. The lessons on this board are also a good place to start.

[sempervivum]

 

Welcome here, amajen!

I am relatively new here, but very old in life with a BPDh. 25 years of marriage. Being a tolerant person I closed my eyes to his obvious bad manners. There were lots of things that appeared totally opposite to normal polite behavior: not remembering my and kid´s birthdays and our anniversaries (he remembers his mother´s and his bosse´s birthdays  :'(). These and many other things I at first tolerated and made look minor, but after years it was quite natural to tell myself: "Hey, this really is not fair!" And it wasn´t.

Then I started to rebel (that is how I called it. Then I started to read, read and read, to learn how are things called by their real names. My H noticed my rebellion and objected he didn´t like the new me.

I am a very patient person and I can say I didn´t literally lose my patience - I just opened my eyes.

I never say or threaten with something if I don´t relly mean it. At my first mention of a divorce he told that he is not going to, because nobody in his family has done that. As if I needed his permission to leave?

Then I discovered, in years when I reacted as his victim, humiliated and hopelessly waiting for him to get better, that was his fertile soil. Whenever I expressed myself as a totally exhausted, but a firm person, he withdrew. I also discovered that his withdrawals were healing but temporary, however painful that fact is!

Some of his remarks in the past assured me he is trying to stalk me in my internet account and my mobile phone. I am using my internet account on my workplace (it is too tedious to keep more accounts for me, that´s the way I am), so I just ignored this demand, not cause I´m hiding, but giving him my password would change a lot in his feeling of power. As for the mobile phone, I wrote 4-5 times in the writing file, when I suspected him "You are spying again!". Not a word from him.

He tried and tries to control a lot, but I instinctively guarded my right to keep contacts with all the people I know from the beginning. But it was very painful for me every time he started his long monologues about someone. He especially hooked on my brother who had a mean wife and they got divorced in the end. My husband "blames" me for having a brother who divorced... .So, please start reconnecting with your dear people again. No, he will not like it, but if your husband is not a violent type, if he is just someone with abandonment fears, he will get to live with it.

Your decisiom could be one of the ways: leaving or staying, but in both cases you should start healing yourself and minimizing your feeling of being hurt by his reactions. I still have them, but once I started finding myself I don´t want to go back to the old pattern that destroys my sanity.

Once again: his feeling bad about your wish for normal personal freedoms will impress you badly, but it is not your responsibility.

[Notwendy]

I agree with taking back your own life and privacy. You ( and other adults) have the right to not be stalked and have your phone searched. Lock it and keep it locked.

You have the right to take care of yourself.

when I reacted as his victim, humiliated and hopelessly waiting for him to get better, that was his fertile soil. Whenever I expressed myself as a totally exhausted, but a firm person, he withdrew. I also discovered that his withdrawals were healing but temporary, however painful that fact is!

We are not effective in victim mode. If we wait for our SO's to see the light, to see how hurt we are , or whatever, that isn't effective. We need to take responsibility for taking care of ourselves and our boundaries.

Read about the extinction burst. Your H may not like your boundaries and may act out. But for boundaries to be effective we have to stand by them.

[waverider]

The meek will not inherited earth in a BPD world that is for sure, you will expire first waiting.

it needs a firm balance, and that starts with really knowing yourself and believing in your own rights to your own choices. Your choices are not owned or exercised by anyone else.

[Stolen]

The meek will not inherited earth in a BPD world that is for sure, you will expire first waiting.

it needs a firm balance, and that starts with really knowing yourself and believing in your own rights to your own choices. Your choices are not owned or exercised by anyone else.

What a perfect analogy - you will expire while waiting.  I likened my decades of effort to Chamberlain's appeasement strategy, and it worked just as well... .

They are good (sic) at this war - and it is a war for them.  We just don't realize we are at war until the bombs are falling... .

[waverider]

We just don't realize we are at war until the bombs are falling... .

Even then we are good at deluding ourselves its just raining heavy and will stop soon.

Ending of self delusion is one of the first steps along the path. For not only do we delude ourselves we can inadvertently spread that delusion onto our pwBPWD. They will start believing those bombs are just rain drops too, and it is perfectly normal. Then we get blamed for bringing it upon ourselves by doing a rain dance.

[Notwendy]

Sadly, the source of those bombs are their own inner pain. I think once we realize that we are not the source, they begin to feel lighter when hurled at us.

The other evening, I noticed my H was upset over trying to get some electronic device to work. I just went to bed, as I was tired. He came stomping into the bedroom with some accusation of me. I started to explain ( it was late, I was tired- but midway recognized I was JADEing and stopped). He continued and I stopped JADEing and he let go of that. Then he got angry about something else and I didn't react. I said " goodnight honey" and fell asleep. He let it go.

A big difficulty for me was taking things personally, reacting, and JADEing. There was a time, I would have been hurt by the accusation and this could have taken off on one of those late night circular arguments. These were like and anger release valve for my H, but for me, I would wake up the next day ( if I slept at all) feeling emotionally drained. It is a wonder now that I can just drift off to sleep, but I learned to not JADE or react- nor to take any responsibility for the emotions that had nothing to do with me.

[sempervivum]

A big difficulty for me was taking things personally, reacting, and JADEing. There was a time, I would have been hurt by the accusation and this could have taken off on one of those late night circular arguments. These were like and anger release valve for my H, but for me, I would wake up the next day ( if I slept at all) feeling emotionally drained. It is a wonder now that I can just drift off to sleep, but I learned to not JADE or react- nor to take any responsibility for the emotions that had nothing to do with me.

The same happened to me. In the meantime I really achieved a good deal of awareness, so that I am able to see the red flag and coming of a minor or major dysregulation. ("Here it comes again!" Sometimes I deal with it quite well, but sometimes  I am too tired and unprepared.

This is just to illustrate how difficult it is to be always ready. Living with a BPDp assumes you have to mourn and bury an ideal life or idealistic expectations. My big concern now is to help my daughter to go safely through this process, because my son and I made it. By saying "made it"  I don´t mean that everything is OK and that butterflies are flying over our green meadow, it is more like we understand grounds, causes and results. It saddens us, but with the awareness, it is easier to live on.

Besides, everyone with junior members of the family can expect that after you achieve your boundaries, a BPDp usually turns to someone who is still unguarded.

[Notwendy]

 everyone with junior members of the family can expect that after you achieve your boundaries, a BPDp usually turns to someone who is still unguarded.



I don't know if you mean another family member or someone else outside the relationship, but I think it is important to protect children/raise them to have strong boundaries. Fortunately in my situation- the issues are mild- and in the most intimate relationship - which is with me. What I have noticed is a certain superficiality to the others- a very well presented side. I realize that I had also fallen for this aspect of my H. It is when I tried to get closer- wanting to know the whole person that I met resistance. I am grateful/confident that the kids have been spared being the objects of projection.

Yes, sometimes I don't see it coming. It frequently is some kind of accusation, something that gets me. Then I start JADEing and it feels as if I have fallen for it, because, my energy/attention is diverted. If I can step back and think for a moment, the accusation makes no sense. The other day I fell into it. H feeds the pets but he was out of town so I did. Out of the blue he accuses me of not feeding them. So, he gets my weak spot- I would not do that, I care about them. So I start JADEing - and I can sense that he seemed happy he could get to me like that. Yet the good part is that more and more, I can see when I am JAEDing, and stop it before it gets to those circular arguments. That's a part I can do. And instead of brooding or feeling emotionally drained, I can let go of them if it happens.

My mother, who is low functioning/severe BPD did involve us kids, but it is an aspect of her disorder that it affects all relationships to some extent.

[Stolen]

These were like and anger release valve for my H, but for me, I would wake up the next day ( if I slept at all) feeling emotionally drained. It is a wonder now that I can just drift off to sleep, but I learned to not JADE or react- nor to take any responsibility for the emotions that had nothing to do with me.

I dealt with these "anger release valves" for decades.  Before I ever heard of BPD, dysregulation, dysphoric rage, etc., I just viewed these "episodes" with bewilderment. 

In my case, having a 110lb wife as the star kept it from being physically threatening, but I can imagine the real fear and danger with the roles reversed.  I would observe the episode with greater and greater detachment, and a more myopic view helped me see the recurring pattern clearer.

Regardless of trigger (usually minor, sometimes trivial, always disproportionate to the anger), the episodes all followed the same progression.  Building anger, relentless, circular pursuit, impervious  to any attempt to mitigate (appease, validate, or reject/respond). The episode would swell to a crescendo, with xW finally virtually collapsing with a cathartic release. And that would be it - no post mortem, certainly no apology, just a draining of the psychotic rage.  And me - left bewildered, psychologically battered, with another measure of life sucked out of me.

Before knowing the science behind this, I categorized these events as "level 10 meltdowns", primarily because regardless of the trigger, I finally KNEW that there would be no resolution (sic) until the rage pushed the meter to 10. 

And that rage - me being a pretty calm person, I was baffled at the intensity.  If I had burned down the house with the kids and dog in it, I could not imagine more extreme anger.  And over and over, that same level of rage was reached in response to issues equivalent to mouse nuts... .

What a horrible disorder.

[Notwendy]

In my FOO case, my mother was the 110 lb wife who ruled the house with her rages. It does seem ironic that all her kids (who eventually got taller than her ( me by a little) )were terrified of her.

The roles reversed are scary, not because my H is violent or threatening my safety but because they can trigger the fear patterns already in place and the size/voice difference. It is hard to keep in mind that this is an emotionally immature response when the person raging at me is both taller and bigger with a deep booming voice. I can withstand my kids' tantrums when they were smaller, but these left me cowering.

Not any more. I was accustomed to accepting the blame. It is all I knew, but now, I can see how it doesn't make sense. I can also see the rumblings- the build up- just waiting for that release of pent up feelings. Then come the accusations, but I can't stop the imagination. "There was no water in the cat's bowl" as proof I didn't feed her or give her water. But I did, maybe she knocked it over, or drank it, who knows. Maybe he even made that up too and there was water, but I can't know that for certain. I didn't see the bowl at that moment.  It is the imagination that gives it meaning. "YOU don't care about the cat!" And no JADEing stops it. In fact, it seems to fuel it.

But I know it is not me, not my fault, and I don't take them to heart. Now, I just think " well that's weird" when one seems to not make sense.

[waverider]

But I know it is not me, not my fault, and I don't take them to heart. Now, I just think " well that's weird" when one seems to not make sense.

Getting to this point is what it is all about, being able to think "thats weird" and just accept it at that without trying to find out what the reality is as that is well buried and can open a can of worms. Most importantly to realize it is weird and not the new normal you have adopted.

[Notwendy]

It took some time to get to this point. Isolation makes it difficult for us to see that there is another way of relating to people. That it isn't wrong to want some privacy.

He searches thru my text messages at night, he checks my emails, a new app on my phone that tracks my miles, I put on for business purposes but he uses it to see why it took me so long to get from one place to the other.I have not only never given him a reason not to trust me, I have alienated friends, family, I never even consider "friending" a male on facebook.

Text messages, e mail, miles= all that can be private. The boundary about cheating isn't his business, it is yours. You can have your own privacy and not cheat. People who want to cheat are not stopped by this. They can get their own prepaid phone, private e mail account ,whatever. The point being, the boundary is with us.

We can be married and be two different people with two different viewpoints. Just like I think it is odd to believe I didn't feed the cat, my H might think it odd that I would think the cat drank it or knocked it over, then fill it up and not even think about it. But each of us can and will think what we will. Just as we wish to have our own thoughts, we need to let others have theirs without us trying to alter that.

[sempervivum]

everyone with junior members of the family can expect that after you achieve your boundaries, a BPDp usually turns to someone who is still unguarded.



I don't know if you mean another family member or someone else outside the relationship, but I think it is important to protect children/raise them to have strong boundaries. Fortunately in my situation- the issues are mild- and in the most intimate relationship - which is with me. What I have noticed is a certain superficiality to the others- a very well presented side. I realize that I had also fallen for this aspect of my H. It is when I tried to get closer- wanting to know the whole person that I met resistance. I am grateful/confident that the kids have been spared being the objects of projection.

In my case I meant my close family member, my daughter. Yes, it is important to provide our children with strong boundaries. My BPDh is a good father, but our troubles with children began when they entered puberty. My H could not accept their forming or their own will, so we had and still have collisions - first with the son and that is now almost the past, since he (my S) fully developed his own personality, but the daughter hasn´t.

As for JADE-ing - it´s always a trap they draw us in, but I can proudly note that I dont let myself into it as often as before.

[Sluggo]

I understand what you mean by choosing to not engage in relationships with your family, old friends, etc.  It becomes a world of isolation that is ok until the rage starts over and then I realized that I was alone.  It is really hard. 

[Stolen]

I understand what you mean by choosing to not engage in relationships with your family, old friends, etc.  It becomes a world of isolation that is ok until the rage starts over and then I realized that I was alone.  It is really hard. 

I know in my case I accepted the isolation thinking that would indicate my commitment to the relationship.  Now I see how misguided that thinking was - a sacrificial attempt to fix/save a relationship that was built on a foundation of lies... .

The generational aspect of this in xW's FOO is telling: Grandmother (who I only knew as an elderly woman), often spoke ill of her (deceased) Husband's family.  They were just "no good", and were sentenced to exile.  MIL often spoke ill of FIL's family, they were "no good" and exiled completely. And the children (of each generation) followed this thinking in lockstep. 

I watched xW cut off our friends one by one (sometimes two by two), and even went along with the distancing of my own family.  Many times I think of the famous quote, something like: "They came for the Jews, but I didn't worry - I wasn't Jewish. Then they came for the homosexuals, but I didn't worry - I wasn't gay. Then they came for the Gypsies, but I didn't worry - I wasn't a Gypsy. Then they came for me, and there was nobody left to call out to for help... ."

And that is the game of isolation - cut off the support system, often in the perverse guise of "family first", and then you are left defenseless and alone, bewildered how you became embroiled in a conflict you never wanted.  I see just this scenario played out so many times on this board.

Now my two daughters remain almost totally alienated from me. Treating me with the same dismissive, arrogant anger I saw in two prior generations.  And I can't do a damn thing about it - it kills me every day.

What a horrible disorder.

[Sluggo]

I know in my case I accepted the isolation thinking that would indicate my commitment to the relationship.  Now I see how misguided that thinking was - a sacrificial attempt to fix/save a relationship that was built on a foundation of lies... .

Yes- very true.  I have been able to meet two other men in this area with both similiar stories of how we thought we were 'showing' our love to our wife by not talking to FOO.  I went about 2 years for me.  All it did was enable the enpower her more by my choosing to allow it to happen. 

So sorry about the kids.  I am so torn up now with my kids who range in age to 16-2.  My emotional connection has been severed and fighting to put it back.  Still 60-90 days off until I can get more visiting time. 

How long have you been divorced?  What ages were the kids? 

[Stolen]

 

How long have you been divorced?  What ages were the kids? 

Divorce final late 2014.  Let (yes, stoopid... .) her move out with kids summer 2012 as home situation had become toxic (dysphoric).  Kids 13/15 at that time.  Spent a fortune, I have seen them for less than 10 hours since.  Now 17/20.  Not a sign of hope, but I keep trying. 

PA often runs hand in hand with a PD.  Childress has covered this best I think.

Divorce I can handle - the kid thing is just pure evil.

Guard them as best you can.

[amajen]

All your posts give me such strength and clarity. The Fog seems to be when the Nice guy comes out because I'm changing so much and he is scared. Then some little statement he makes will remind me of how things always revert back to. so I don't want to get comfortable again only to get sideswiped. I know he is just testing the waters to get back in control and have me back down again. I get to a place when he is nice for an extended period of time thinking that maybe it IS me, being over sensitive . We were riding along with our grand kids in the back seat, the baby was bored so I went to hand him back a DVD case to play with. My husband said," I don't think he should have that he isn't fussing, just talking". I just didn't give it to him for a bit, then the baby started fussing so I handed him back the case. My husband says, " What part of don't give him that case didn't you understand?I said don't give him that and you do it anyways?" I'm figuring out what sets me off the most is when he treats me like a scared child, but thats what I act like when he says things like that. So my work is to work on myself and NOT try to fix him! Ive come to that conclusion reading from the message boards.

Thank you all!

[waverider]

Mirroring does become a two way process once a relationship becomes stressed and tension surfaces, dysfunctional interactions become the norm to the point you feed into each other and it is hard to identify the origins of drama at times. This is why we focus on reigning ourselves in along with looking closely at our own reflection.

It is good you have realized this, it is part of self development which is beneficial regardless of what happens.

Waverider

[Cynthia]

Don't feel bad 36 years (31 of them married) and my whole world has been turned upside down.

Of course I saw the signs, it's easy to say that now. It was all so gradual, it becomes the norm ! I still have the rest of my life to live, I still have a child who has not been unaffected  who I had to remove from the situation. We are living in limbo right now. We are getting stronger slowly , he Is not in a good place mentally financially or emotionally. It's painful to be so helpless but I finally realize that I am probably the worst person to help him.

My greatest wish is for him to get help... .it's there everyone is waiting should he choose.