Inner child healing and childhood development

[Please help]

Sunflower,

  It took me a few times to understand what you are saying. What I am doing is comparing my 16/17 yr old self to kid's who are loved and have stability and telling him "in comparison to those kid's" you are doing fine. When in fact, I should simply say " you are doing great. I am proud of you and do not compare yourself to others".


I can see how my 16/17 self saw others as having a "golden life". This was not true but he always felt that way.

I need to give him unconditional love and that is what I should focus on.

Thanks for the feedback

[Please help]

I think my strong focus on my 16/17 year old self has to do with being able to see how different I was and really process it. I knew at a very young age I was different. But around 16/17 , I could visualize and almost fully grasp how messed up I was and even took steps to fix things. I was trying around 13/14 to encourage my f and step mom to be normal. No wonder they hated me ( ha,ha). Subtle comments about not doing drugs so we have money to live in a better place etc.

I am telling my 16/17 year old self he is really an impressive guy. Living in hell and trying to get people sober was a very mature thing to do.

I know my teen self likes to hear these things but at the same time really wanted a set of loving parents. That is not going to happen. Those years have already passed and they are what they were. I can only change the future.

Aside from not having it easy do to the adults being losers and taking their anger out on me. The other real gripe I have is how my parents being in their 60's still see me as part of the problems in their lives. No making amends or apologies. Just rude comments other shave told me they made.

[Please help]

I think alot of healing has happened lately and that is why I am oddly focused on high school events such as dances etc and my socio economic situation growing up.

This may mean I am moving past the fact of having messed up parents and seeing the other damage that was done. I think I was so 'banged up" I could never focus on the other hurts I endured.

Having to move my last 2 years if high school sucked but it never occurred to me recently someone should have helped.

I certainly missed out on a fun childhood / hs years but that is life.

I was also beating myself up for not being able to have been charismatic enough to overcome the dysfunction and still lead a happy teen life.

It would have been laughable for me to try and go to some formal event and have pics taken at my house. For starters, someone would have mentioned the money I would spend on the event should be used for bills. I cannot picture ex stepmom being happy for me. She simply wanted me out and was not about to play " oh let's take a picture". I was simply not liked. It's kind of like when you were a kid and you invite a group of kid's who do not know you or like you to your b day party. You will get a negative reaction. That was my home life.

When everyone was going tot he formal dance (prom) , it did not bother me. I saw myself as different and simply ignored it. I saw the limos around town etc and knew it was the season but understood it was not my thing.

  I also have this simple crisp image / fantasy I cannot get out of my head. I am sitting in a kitchen of  a modest house and I have a windbreaker on from my sports team. I am eating breakfast with my father and sibling and my mother is in the kitchen getting us off for the day. We are happy and talking about school (sibling and I), while parents are conversing with us as well.

It's a stable home and that is deep down all I ever wanted. I remember being in the 7 -8th grade and trying to get my grandmother ( who had a few bucks) to send me to military school. I knew things were bad at home and I had to get away. She did not. Instead, she blamed me for ruining her son's life.   


  I always thought my problems were mainly having bad parents. I am now seeing these other issues pop up as they bothered me as well.

[Woolspinner2000]

Dear 17 yr old Please help,

Life stinks for you doesn't it? I'm so sorry. I wish I could make it better for you, yet I don't have the power to do that. But I will do my best to encourage you as you walk through all this stuff of your life, and there are many others here who will stick with you too.

Sounds like you feel all alone these days as you reflect on your life.

I just realized the word "loss". I have a huge issue dealing with loss. Loss of friends, money, life, memories, etc. I see how life is about losing. This clearly comes from losing so much at a young age i.e my house, family, security, acceptance, etc.

How do I show this 16-17 year old self that he is not part of any loving family at that age and get him to accept it? I think trying to enter adulthood alone without any real support was tough.

Please know that your feeling alone is not your fault. The adults around you did not do their job, and they are the ones who are responsible, not you. I think it is actually really great that you know that things are not right with your family, that your perception of what a healthy family is, that's much more accurate.  It's very sad that they don't see how valuable and amazing you are. Really it is their loss for all that they've missed out on with you.

If you are at all like me at 17, I found it very hard to receive love and kindness because I was already so beaten down by life at this age, mostly due to my uBPDm.  It's okay if you can't accept many things yet, and it's because you're probably not ready yet. In time you will be, but let me encourage you to be patient with yourself. With time, you'll get there. We'll keep you company along the way and cheer you on as you grow and heal. 

Wools

[Please help]

Woolspinner,

  Thank you for the kind words. Shortly after out at 18, I was able to get a used car, apartment, job and college (nights). I had friends and a girlfriend. I think I felt accepted as I had a group of guys to call family.

  For some reason, I was focused lately too much on my earlier teen years and how bad it was. I will say that as soon as I was on my own, I flourished.

  I am telling my 16/17 yr old self that if he could only see a few years ahead, he will see how resourceful and happy he is. Right now, he is in hell and simply has to hang tough until he can get out.

Meanwhile, I will be there for him until he can get free of the sick people in his life.

[Please help]

I think I hit another breakthrough. I was always fantasizing about a few ladies (mother types) that had daughters and would sort of take me in as I previously explained.

I also as of late became obsessed with the teenager experiences of formal dances and playing sports. This is due to my perception of being able to experience those things meant you had a stable and loving household. It was nothing status or anything. I would have been happy being poor and stable. It was the love and stability I yearned for.


I realize my younger siblings had it tough as well. I am an only child (between my F & M) yet both parents had many kids with other people. Some were placed in foster care and had to live in homeless shelters with a drug addict mother , etc.

It simply sucked for everyone. I had 2 f cousins who I connected with lately. They are 2-4 years older than I and we were close as kids. We were all lamenting about how we wished we could have helped each other but we could barely survive on our own.

The adults in our lives really messed things up yet the grandparents saw nothing wrong with what their kids were doing. I think it has to do with acknowledging how bad their children turned out. Instead, they blamed me for all the woes.

My F complained to me about how my Maternal GMOTHER wanted to have him arrested for statutory rape against my M. He thought she was an a-hole for it and complained he had to marry my M to avoid going to jail.

I thought to myself, "am I supposed to apologize to him for this?". By strict definition, he is a rapist and I the product.

[Sunfl0wer]

Sounds like you are processing quite a bit.

I also as of late became obsessed with the teenager experiences of formal dances and playing sports. This is due to my perception of being able to experience those things meant you had a stable and loving household. It was nothing status or anything. I would have been happy being poor and stable. It was the love and stability I yearned for.

I relate to this.  I was always envious of those who had opportunity to participate in activities.  It meant they had a person in their life willing to pick them up after school, purchase outfit, etc.  it meant they likely were not treated so unwanted/a burden as I felt. 

I never had a parent do anything that was more than basic mandatory public stuff.

My F complained to me about how my Maternal GMOTHER wanted to have him arrested for statutory rape against my M. He thought she was an a-hole for it and complained he had to marry my M to avoid going to jail.

I am sorry your dad shared this with you.  I am even more sorry that this was likely part of the reality of your experience, a dad resentful to marrying your mom instead of feeling the union of your parents a loving one, and all the positive array of feelings that could have come with it.

[Please help]

I was able to do a few activities with my F. I played ice hockey for a while but it got too expensive. I went to a rifle range for a while as well with other kids. He took me a few times. So there was some effort for me to be normal.

I always seemed to make friends but often got into fights with others which I never fought back as a child. Maybe I put myself out there to be a normal child but did not have the social skills or something.

This is bothering me as of late. My F would always tell me I was weak and how he was really tough and could handle himself in all situations.

As a grown man, I can see how a child who is going through alot at home may not always wanting to fight back. Instead, they want to make friends and get along.  I tried to be good natured but there was something about me that gave off the odor of weakness. I wish I hit back.

There was probably a confidence issue. I vividly recall my F telling me " I would not survive a day in prison". He bragged how tough he was in jail and took over the drug trade, etc.

I was in the 7th grade and my M took off leaving me and my 2 half brothers alone in a trailer. I worked for a flower stand and had a paper route. I did not go to school much and would take care of the kids aged 5 & 2 while she went to work or was out screwing. Propane heat was empty so we used a hot plate and electric toaster to eat fish stick and mac and cheese. I would ride my bike , crossing the exit ramp of a highway, use my paperboy bag to carry the food back to the trailer with so we could eat.

I did that for about a year. I never considered myself a weak person. Arguably, I kept those kid's alive. It was just I had problems (or they had problems with me) other kids. Yesterday, I was rehashing some of the problems I had as a kid and could feel the anxiety building up again. It left me depressed. I think other kids could sense something was amiss with me. It may have all come down to hyper-anxiety and when kid's started crap with me, I wanted to be left alone.

I came to this forum back in 08 over a brief marriage to a BPD women. Since then, I have healed in so many ways and can see the issues like I described above still hurting. I have gotten / accepted my parents were disordered and am now working on healing all these issues that are a result of it.

Thanks for all your help

[Please help]

I wonder if BPD's intentionally hurt others by tearing us down. I think my F created a fictional version of himself i.e toughest guy in school  & prison, honorable gangster (drug dealer), dated a beautiful 1/2 his age ( young women who slept with men for drugs and was not to keen on personal hygiene). He would attach me for not having above said attributes and make me feel like a disappointment.

I did not always want to fight others. I did get into fights but I wanted to get along with people. My social awkwardness made me push too hard for friends at times and this may have come across as weird.


  I think I am way too critical of myself at times.

[Please help]

I am opening up old wounds that never healed. This led me to my childhood and teen years. I can actually feel myself sitting in school again feeling anxiety.

I think my tendency has to been blame everything on my parents. I look back and feel embarrassed by the way I acted as a kid with my social awkwardness.

This evening I had a revelation. SO WHAT. I let guys shove me around and did not always fight back as a kid. Sometimes I did, but not always. I always 2nd guess myself if people like me or not. This made me insecure in high school. Who cares if people like me. Find people who do.

If these are the biggest regrets I have from my youth being raised by BPD people, I am doing okay.

Most people get social skills from their parents. Thankfully, we both rejected each other.

I used to envision people from a town  I lived in as having perfect & golden lives with no regrets. This is simply not true. I think I was so far down in many areas of life, I would look around and I would see are people in better positions of life. They had a house, parents, clothes, etc. I was living in a ghetto apartment with druggies who did not want me there.

[Please help]

Hello All,

  I think I just had a revelation. The reason I am so focused on my 5/6 year and 16/17 year old self is I sense my father was disappointed with me and those were critical years of development.

  I should not care what my childhood was like socially. I almost ended up in social services at 13-14. That would have meant a foster or group home. I should be grateful that did not happen.

  I know my F never liked me. It does not matter what I did for him. Sometimes, people simply do not like you.

  I let him use my teen awkwardness to attack me.

  I was and never was weak. I simply did not want to react to kid's bothering me. I recall one time his wife accused me of trying to sleep with her. I was leaving for work ( around 16 yrs old) and he was dancing up in down like a boxer throwing punches at me as I walked out of the kitchen backdoor.

  I did not fight back as I was already so beaten down by life. His wife screaming at him to keep hitting me. I caught the punches, remained stoic and left. On my way to work, I stopped in the woods and cried.

  I think this was my philosophy as a kid as well. I had too much going on to get involved in someone bothering me. My M left and F was incarcerated. My mind was thinking longer term on survival not navigating the school social scene.

  Wow, I just had some breakthroughs !

  Your thoughts please

[Kwamina]

Hi again please help

My F complained to me about how my Maternal GMOTHER wanted to have him arrested for statutory rape against my M. He thought she was an a-hole for it and complained he had to marry my M to avoid going to jail.

I thought to myself, "am I supposed to apologize to him for this?". By strict definition, he is a rapist and I the product.

I can imagine hearing your father talk like that was very unpleasant for you. I am very sorry he said these horrible things to you. How did it make you feel when he said these things?

I vividly recall my F telling me " I would not survive a day in prison". He bragged how tough he was in jail and took over the drug trade, etc.

I recall one time his wife accused me of trying to sleep with her. I was leaving for work ( around 16 yrs old) and he was dancing up in down like a boxer throwing punches at me as I walked out of the kitchen backdoor.

 I did not fight back as I was already so beaten down by life. His wife screaming at him to keep hitting me. I caught the punches, remained stoic and left. On my way to work, I stopped in the woods and cried.

It is clear that your father had and still has serious issues. I think it is understandable and normal that his negative behavior would affect you in various ways. It isn't easy for a child to deal with this type of behavior at all, even adults would have greatly struggled being treated this way. No matter what your father said, he was wrong to treat you this way. Though he was disordered, he was still an adult and responsible for his behavior. In spite of everything, the young you survived which says a lot about your resilience The 5/6 year old please help survived and so did the 16/17 year old. Because of their ability to endure and survive, the adult you is now in the position to help your inner children

You had so much negativity at home that I understand why you would not also want to deal with negativity outside of the home.

You sensed your father was disappointed with you and say you know he did not like you. Reading your posts it seems a lot of his behavior stems from his distorted thinking and he likely was doing a lot of projecting. His negative behavior towards you says a lot more about him than it says about you. Do you feel you have come to the point that you no longer need his approval?

[Please help]

I felt guilty for living is how it made me feel. Lately, I am going through some real healing and can see how a bit of bullying bothered me. I really do not care about it anymore. But I was thinking maybe my F hated me for not standing up for myself more.

I have a new baby and realized how he cries for me when I leave the house.  What I have learned from this is how shattered I must have been as a child having a F leave and then M leave.  No stability and not a drop of confidence.

I cannot imagine if my F got home from jail and told me i must have the heart of a lion for what I endured and how he is so proud of me. Instead, I was blamed for his going away.

These are some pretty sick people and the fact I try to be a good person / parent  after all of this makes me quite proud of myself.

Thanks for listening

[Please help]

My step-sister in her mid 20's died recently from an OD. I met her a few times when she was a baby and did not know her at all. She was my mother's daughter. My F who I had occasionally spoke to a few times in the past 25 years knew about it as his kid's from another marriage were friends with his ex-wife's (my mother) kids. I thought my F would have called to at least tell me. Hie did not. This simply confirms my suspicion he only contacted me as he needed money a few years back and to tell me what a jerk I was.

Although I did not know the girl, I do feel a loss as were were step siblings. I did not know how to grieve as I did not know her. I simply felt bad. She lived a short and brutal life. I realize how my M has everyone manipulated into  her crazy world and her kid's live solely to get drugs for her. They commit robberies at her request, etc. On a selfish note, I am glad I have no part of them.

My inner child healing has lead me to write a historical novel. There is a strong focus on the main characters teen years and touches on his early childhood. Yes, the same years I am trying to heal. This character endures a harsh life that is caused by external forces. He has loving parents who go to prison and end up dead. He is almost killed himself. He relies on the strength his parents instilled in him early in life to persevere, find love, build a beautiful family and have a successful career.

I think this character is a much more romanticized version of myself. I think what I am trying to do is see how one who at least had a loving family early on and lost them deals with crisis as opposed to someone like myself who was cast off as a unwanted child.

I can see the strength this character has due primarily from positive early experiences. Having a father get out of prison and say to his son " you have the heart of a lion for having endured. Most kid's could not have handled their father going away. But you looked after your younger siblings like a man and really stepped up. I could not have asked God for a  better son" gives a child so much strength. Instead, I heard " you are the reason I went to prison". I knew my father and his mother were insane for even accusing me of that.

I have also been healing the loss of my old friends ( and I use that tern loosely). I was fortunate to have a few close friends who I still see / talk to. There were others who hung around and 1-2 did not like me and a few others as we were different from them. A friend of mine pointed out those 1-2 kids were a bit manipulative and only wanted people around who were followers of them. I ignored all these dynamics and saw us as one big happy family. That was not the case.

It took 20 years to realize there were a few jerks in the group who I had nothing in common with. They even tried to turn a few others against me. A buddy of mine said I was an outspoken leader in this group of guys and apparently this was a threat to these 1-2 guys. The funny thing is the 1-2 guys are not really in contact with anyone else and fared really bad in life.

These breakthroughs all come from the continued healing of my inner childhood. The book I am writing helps put things in perspective. Unlike the main character, I had no resources of any kind yet I managed.

I am pleased with how my young self managed to survive with no family and money.

Thanks for listening

[jhkbuzz]

I cannot gloss over my childhood wounds with fantasies to make them more palatable. It sucked hard and I need to accept that and move on. No one came to my aid. Instead, I was dumped on and abandoned.

It actually frightens me a bit to accept this reality. It's almost like acknowledging there is no safety net and I am truly on my own.

First let me say that I think you're really brave to be tackling this head on!

This is the reality of the situation: you were a child that was deeply traumatized by the abandonment you experienced. Of COURSE you were - how could it be any other way? To soothe yourself, you indulged in fantasy. Yay you - you figured out a way to soothe yourself and get through some horrific experiences. That means you're clever and resilient.

Now when you're under stress these same "strategies" pop up - although they're not really useful anymore in your adult life. This isn't really anything to be surprised or alarmed by - it makes sense that they would pop up, actually. Problem is that you want to stop doing this but it's hard to stop because you've done it for many years.

I think you're on the right path in recognizing that your younger selves need to heal - and this may be the key to ending the excessive fantasizing. Are you seeing a therapist?

[unicorn2014]

May I ask if you have any mental health diagnosis?

[Please help]

May I ask if you have any mental health diagnosis?

No, I have not had any. Out of curiosity, what made you ask that? Is there something in my posts that "seemed off".

 The reason I ask is I have always tried to be very cognizant of my emotions and behaviors. Unfortunately(due to experience), most of us on the forum have a great deal of experience in quickly identifying red flags.

If I am sending off red flags, please let me know.


On another note, conversations with my inner child at the ages mentioned seem to be going well. It's amazing how far kind words and encouragement can go. Telling my 5-6 year old self how strong and special he is for surviving what he is going through

Thanks