family is being torn apart

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi,

I am new to this site and this is my first post. I am posting hopefully to get some ideas and help with dealing with my dad who I believe has symptoms of BPD. there are a lot of things going on and I will do my best to just give the gist of some of the struggles I am facing.

First - It started ten years ago when my dad was let go from his job. he had a personality change as well as lots of behavioral changes. at first my mom and I thought it was early dimentia or alzheimers. (he has recently undergone tests that say he does not have either of those) so my mom and I began researching his issues online and came across BPD. after looking at several sites and reading a few books we are convinced that his mother had BPD. no question about it. We think that a lot of his symptoms fit BPD as well. but he has not been diagnosed.

The biggest problem we face at the moment is that my dad does not think he has a problem or that he has changed or anything. he is convinced it is all my mom and us. he can rationalize every example we give him. So  how do we help someone who thinks there is nothing wrong?

second- my dad is brilliant. he  has a phd and has scored in the 98th percentile in intellect. he also has a silver tongue. He can convince anybody of anything. including himself.  which brings me to the third problem.

Third- there are a lot of kids in the family. half of us are out of the house and the other half are still in the home. (teens) now those in the home and those of us with a lot of contact all see there is something wrong with my dad. but those out of the house mostly talk to my dad and beleive all the stuff he spins about everything being my moms fault. they don;t see that the problem is him and he pits us against each other and agains my mom.  he constantly makes my mom look terrible and as if everything is her fault. it is driving the family apart.

I feel it is getting to a tipping point of something has to happen. I am stuck in the middle trying to help my mom. on the other hand my dad trusts me and talks to me all the time. often ranting and raving against my mom. my mom is extremely patient nd she loves my dad a lot and she wants to help him. otherwise she probably would have gotten a divorce by now because he is so nasty to her. but she loves him and wants to help him. but he won;t talk to her. she only finds out about stuff because he tells me and I tell her. I am caught in the middle and we need help. 

[missmoose]

Hi,

I am new to this site and this is my first post. I am posting hopefully to get some ideas and help with dealing with my dad who I believe has symptoms of BPD. there are a lot of things going on and I will do my best to just give the gist of some of the struggles I am facing.

First - It started ten years ago when my dad was let go from his job. he had a personality change as well as lots of behavioral changes. at first my mom and I thought it was early dimentia or alzheimers. (he has recently undergone tests that say he does not have either of those) so my mom and I began researching his issues online and came across BPD. after looking at several sites and reading a few books we are convinced that his mother had BPD. no question about it. We think that a lot of his symptoms fit BPD as well. but he has not been diagnosed.

The biggest problem we face at the moment is that my dad does not think he has a problem or that he has changed or anything. he is convinced it is all my mom and us. he can rationalize every example we give him. So  how do we help someone who thinks there is nothing wrong?

second- my dad is brilliant. he  has a phd and has scored in the 98th percentile in intellect. he also has a silver tongue. He can convince anybody of anything. including himself.  which brings me to the third problem.

Third- there are a lot of kids in the family. half of us are out of the house and the other half are still in the home. (teens) now those in the home and those of us with a lot of contact all see there is something wrong with my dad. but those out of the house mostly talk to my dad and beleive all the stuff he spins about everything being my moms fault. they don;t see that the problem is him and he pits us against each other and agains my mom.  he constantly makes my mom look terrible and as if everything is her fault. it is driving the family apart.

I feel it is getting to a tipping point of something has to happen. I am stuck in the middle trying to help my mom. on the other hand my dad trusts me and talks to me all the time. often ranting and raving against my mom. my mom is extremely patient nd she loves my dad a lot and she wants to help him. otherwise she probably would have gotten a divorce by now because he is so nasty to her. but she loves him and wants to help him. but he won;t talk to her. she only finds out about stuff because he tells me and I tell her. I am caught in the middle and we need help. 

[Kwamina]

Hi missmoose

Sorry to hear about the problems your dad is causing in your family.

BPD is quite a challenging disorder indeed. The fact that your dad seems unable or unwilling to acknowledge any of his issues, unfortunately only complicates things further.

To help you interact with him, I encourage you to look at some of the resources on this site. Specifically the specialized communication techniques, I have selected two for you:

S.E.T.: Support, Empathy, Truth

D.E.A.R.M.A.N.: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate

Are you familiar with these techniques? They can help reduce the likelihood of (further) conflict while maximizing the likelihood of getting through to the other person.

The S.E.T. communication pattern was developed by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus for communication with a person with BPD (pwBPD). It consists of a 3 step sequence where first Support is signaled, then Empathy is demonstrated and in a third step Truth is offered.

Few tools are easier to learn as S.E.T. and are as effective in getting across to a pwBPD. Few tools are as universal in everyday life with anyone. It is sort of an walking-on-eggshell antidote.

After wandering in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) for a longer time we have lost the natural instincts and ability to ask for something. Fear is controlling our thinking. Our family-member/child/friend/partner is super sensitive and tends to over-react. We get ever more careful, stopping to ask for things needed in our or our relationship's interest. Resentment breeds. Resentment is sensed. Communication grinds to a halt. How do we get back to normal? A big step is start asking again for what is needed and this is where D.E.A.R.M.A.N can help us.

... .

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. is used when you have an objective, you want something specific, such as to get more sleep, to have help with the chores, to affect a change or to say NO to a request. You want the other person to come away feeling good about you and not full of resentment. This preserves the relationship. You also want to protect or even enhance your self respect.

... .

The key to acquire the skill for DEARMAN lies NOT in following the letters. It lies in learning the underlying skills and practicing them well enough to then being able to steer a conversation through DEARMAN. When looking at DEARMAN it is clear that we are to express needs for change.

... .

DEARMAN is valuable skill that at its very core boils down to:

We have a right to ask for change - the other side may or may not agree, that is fine too.

When owning up to our requests, staying respectful and focused on what we want we improve our chances for affecting change.

Take care

[Turkish]

Do you think that the things your dad says that you pass on to your mom are helpful to her?