DBT success?

[cm3557]

I have been in this crazy BPD relationship for over a year now .

I helped him get diagnosed and he recently just got into an intensive DBT program after being on a wait list for 4 months. He's on medication and I believe he is committed to getting better.

The relationship feels bi- polar. It's bliss then it's hell. I'm either elated or I'm defeated and crying my eyes out.

Has anyone actually had a successful relationship with their partner after they completed DBT? Were there improvements along the way?

I want a life with him. I love him So much but I am terrified that I am waiting for something that just won't actually happen. I am hoping that he finds healing and we we are able to have a loving and stable relationship together.

Am I naive? I don't want to hurt him. And I don't want to leave him- but am I setting myself up for just pain and frustration?

Please - anyone who is or was with a partner in DBT or has any thought on it - I'd be so grateful for input.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tryingsome]

Well I don't have experience with a pwBPD who has undergone DBT, so take what I say lightly.

DBT and any treatment can be a blessing.

It helps the pwBPD be less reactive. That is a plus for them.

It may make the relationship manageable as you may not feel like you are 'walking on eggshells' as often

But it doesn't fix the issue. A pwBPD willl have it life long. The question is will the changes be enough to make a satisfactory relationship?

Though rare, some people can have a relationship with a pwBPD even without DBT.

Others still can not maintain the relationship even if their partner has completed DBT.

The threshold really depends on you. You have to give up the notion that a relationship will just fix itself.

It takes a lot of work, even those without BPD, half of relationships don't survive a lifetime.

As everything it starts with you. What do you want it to look like? Honestly.

Then ask if this relationship can give you that. Honestly.

DBT can make it more manageable, but only you can decide if your needs are being met.

And if you can overlook the bad days, take them in stride, then yes the relationship before you can be one of the most profound.

But it starts with you.

[flourdust]

My wife has been in a DBT program for a year. I haven't noticed any significant changes in her behavior. Our relationship has actually worsened over this period of time, and we are now separated.

Others have reported success. I think the skills they are trying to teach are useful and appropriate. In my wife's case, she seems incapable of accepting ownership of her problem behaviors, so no matter how much DBT practice she gets, she still is quick to blame me for anything bothering her and use that as an excuse to abuse me.

Good luck to you.

[teapay]

My wife has been in various therapies and on meds for years and in DBT for almost a year now but I can't say I've seen much change either.  Perhaps alittle less reactive.  Not hospitalized for 6 months.  No recent self harm that I know of.  So maybe according to some Ts she is cured and I just don't know it.  But as tryingsome eluded, that is what DBT is most effective against.  It doesn't get well at the distortions of reality, identity problems, cognitive impairments and less severe implusivity.  Ive seen little impact on those.  I can't say it has help the relationship at all and I'll likely separate once my kids are just alittle bit older.

[blackbirdsong]

DBT is behavioral therapy, a quick fix. It learns you how to react in a more appropriate way when the fire starts. It doesn't teach you how to prevent fire.

To learn and introspect why the fire occurs in the first place, to actually heal, you need +/- 10 years of psychoanalytic therapy, based on the practice data.  

[waverider]

Any treatment can be confronting and removes many of the old, if dysfunctional coping skills. As a result there can be a lot of instability until theses are replaced with better methods.

Sometimes it is our illusion of a quick fix being stripped away that shortens our own patience, which then rubs off.

[Thread]

I feel like this is me writing this  

But I've been w my HBPD for 6 years. DBT helps but doesn't change the way they see things which is truth to them. Reactivity is better, but the main issues of why he reacts is still strong and alive.

I have not seen the light. I'm still on a roller coaster. And the love will start to numb until you question how you can not care enough about yourself to be with someone who treats you the way they do.

[cm3557]

Thank you everyone. This evening I just found hard evidence that he's been cheating on me. After everything he put me through and everything I've given... .I terminated the relationship. Never will go back.

[flourdust]

I'm very sorry to hear that. Take care of yourself.

[Thread]

Proud of you. Hoping you don't let him speak back into your life. It will be a honeymoon for only a moment. Stay strong snd committed to your happiness!

[Love my BPD hubby -1995]

I have been married to my BPD hubby for 17 years plus we dated for 4 years. I didn't know he had BPD until four years ago. I diagnosed him. He has never seen anyone concerning his BPD. I know about DBT as I read a lot about BPD. The more I learn about BPD the better I get at not allowing myself to get sucked into his "stuff". I am far from where I'd like to be but I am also much farther along than I was four years ago. He is textbook BPD, diagnosing him was a no-brainer and also an answer to prayer. That's my intro. I would like to encourage you to decide if you're willing to be all in. I personally believe success with a BPD spouse is tied to commitment. I say spouse because I view a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship quite differently that a spouse. I find the more I educate myself concerning BPD the freer I become as I realize more and more that it is ALL about him and not about me. I spend time also learning about me as it seems the more I grow the more I understand the dynamic between us. It still hurts when he's hating on me, I am over sensitive to begin with. Our success has a lot to do with the fact that the real person when he is being his true self is a wonderful man that I adore. He hates his BPD and he knows when he is having an episode. He has improved tremendously in the last 4 years. He doesn't see it as much as I do but then most BPD's wouldn't. I encourage you to figure out how much successful DBT has to do with your commitment to him. Is it essential? Is it a deal breaker? Are you placing too much pressure on him improving? Can you have a good relationship with him as he is? Just throwing a few questions out there as I know that is what helps me to understand my own thoughts and feelings better. I wish you all the best!

[waverider]

DBT is an aid to improvement.

Success is defined as to whether you both have a worthwhile and fruitful life. This can happen with BPD traits still present, and it is more about eliminating most of the toxicity and conflict. This requires us to change also, and change our own perceptions. Ultimately we need to feel like we are on the same team, rather than just tolerating each other.

Dont ever set your goal as being texbook "normal'. That is setting you both up for failure. Odds are it is the quirks of BPD that grabbed your interest in the first place. Dont aim to "sterilze" someone the result could bore your socks off.

At the end any long term therapy your partner will be different, and so will you, it is not entirely implausible that even if the disorder is effectively eliminated you are no longer compatible.

[Love my BPD hubby -1995]

Waverider, I was married one time before to an extreme passive-aggressive man. I went to counseling and just before we divorced he went to counseling, too. We both saw her separately and also together. She said the reason we were able to stay married so long (13 1/2 yrs. plus 1 1/2 dating) is because our dysfunctions fit together so well like a puzzle. But in the end the puzzle pieces were made of water. So I was especially interested in your comment at the end if your post. When my current husband and I first dated and also for the first 2 1/2 yrs. of our marriage we both were alcoholics. (last drink for both of us was 3/17/2002) We told each other we had to go on a date completely sober with no drinking on the date at all so we could see if we really even liked each other. We had both had enough history of dysfunctional partners. We didn't understand back then that everyone is dysfunctional but just to varying degrees. It's funny to me that we had the good sense to get together sober. Little did I know the roller coaster ride I was in for.

I can honestly say 21 yrs. later that if it wasn't for the presence of Jesus in our lives we probably would not still be together. Yes, there are times I wish I was alone. Sometimes his "stuff" is hard to keep boundaries with and it just hurts so deeply that I just want out. But that never lasts, it is just a temporary feeling in the midst of his BPD-ing. I think commitment is underrated these days!

[cm3557]

I have been married to my BPD hubby for 17 years plus we dated for 4 years. I didn't know he had BPD until four years ago. I diagnosed him. He has never seen anyone concerning his BPD. I know about DBT as I read a lot about BPD. The more I learn about BPD the better I get at not allowing myself to get sucked into his "stuff". I am far from where I'd like to be but I am also much farther along than I was four years ago. He is textbook BPD, diagnosing him was a no-brainer and also an answer to prayer. That's my intro. I would like to encourage you to decide if you're willing to be all in. I personally believe success with a BPD spouse is tied to commitment. I say spouse because I view a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship quite differently that a spouse. I find the more I educate myself concerning BPD the freer I become as I realize more and more that it is ALL about him and not about me. I spend time also learning about me as it seems the more I grow the more I understand the dynamic between us. It still hurts when he's hating on me, I am over sensitive to begin with. Our success has a lot to do with the fact that the real person when he is being his true self is a wonderful man that I adore. He hates his BPD and he knows when he is having an episode. He has improved tremendously in the last 4 years. He doesn't see it as much as I do but then most BPD's wouldn't. I encourage you to figure out how much successful DBT has to do with your commitment to him. Is it essential? Is it a deal breaker? Are you placing too much pressure on him improving? Can you have a good relationship with him as he is? Just throwing a few questions out there as I know that is what helps me to understand my own thoughts and feelings better. I wish you all the best!

I was all in. I was committed to him. I was hoping that DBT could calm the episodes. I didn't expect it to all go away - I loved him for him, even his BPD. However- I was fooled. Caught him cheating just after writing this post. I would have, and did,  give him everything but THAT- I will not tolerate. There is no excuse. So I left him.

[Thread]

At the end any long term therapy your partner will be different, and so will you, it is not entirely implausible that even if the disorder is effectively eliminated you are no longer compatible.

Good one waverider you always have such a wise outlook. I feel that. Sometimes the roller coaster even if it starts to slow down or improve makes you not want to remain on it. Each time my BPD husband had a episode impose a piece of my self esteem and love for him each time. My love tank for me and him is nearing empty. I'm filling mine for myself back up by trying to take care of myself but there isn't much left for him.

Improvements or not, depending on how long it takes they may just deplete you of caring for them By the time they do