Am I wrong?

[prisonmike]

So I'm pretty committed to breaking up with my girlfriend with BPD, but I'm having a hard time actually doing it. But in the mean time I struggle with just going through each day. It seems like I'm always in trouble for something. The other day I think I was in trouble just because I woke up. Anyway, she told me about a week and a half ago that she would be going out with one of her girlfriends for the evening on friday (yesterday) and that I could do something with my brother or my best friend if I wanted to. Usually that consists of just hanging out drinking some beers and talking about guy stuff. So she was out with her friend and I was hanging out with my brother and at about 9:30 after she got home she asked me to come home and watch a movie with her. But I was hanging out with my brother, something that was planned ahead of time. So I didn't go home when she asked, I told her sorry and that I was hanging out with my brother. And besides that, I know that watching a movie with her, which wouldn't have started until 10 or so, would have been her on Facebook on her phone and then falling asleep 30 minutes into the movie. So then of course she got livid and told me not to come home. I went home anyway at about 12 and slept on the couch. This morning she's berating me about how much of an a**hole I am and that I should have just left when she asked. She said things like "you were already there for 3 or 4 hours, why do you need to stay any longer? What was so important?" And other stuff like "if you love your family so much why don't you go live with them instead?" So am I really the jerk here? Should I have left my brother when she asked me to? I'm really having a hard time figuring out if I'm a jerk or if she's just unreasonable... .

[Grey Kitty]

Yes, she is being unreasonable.

Calling and asking you to come home the moment she gets back is pretty unreasonable.

Expecting you to do it, insisting, and berating you for it is more than unreasonable. That is abusive. Everything she said this morning was abusive.

If you cannot protect yourself from that abuse, breaking up would be a good idea. Here's the boundary enforcement approach to protect yourself, next time she launches into you like that

1. Tell her you won't be spoken to that way.

(assuming she continues)

2. Leave the room (or if it is on the phone, say goodbye and hang up)

(assuming she continues, follows you to another room)

3. Leave the house.

(if she continues)

4. Get in the car and drive someplace.

(if she follows you in the car)

5. Someplace you are driving to can become the police station.

Note... .if she tries to block you from leaving around steps 3-5, tell her that preventing you from leaving is domestic violence, and you will dial 911 if she doesn't let you go. (Have your cell phone out and DO it if she doesn't back down)

No, it isn't easy, but it works. It gets you out of being berated and abused.

[prisonmike]

I did leave the house after we argued for a while. Her argument was that I should have done what she wanted. My argument was that she is unfair and she needs to think about other people's feelings. She either didn't get it or she refused to aknowledge that she was wrong

[Grey Kitty]

I did leave the house after we argued for a while. Her argument was that I should have done what she wanted. My argument was that she is unfair and she needs to think about other people's feelings. She either didn't get it or she refused to aknowledge that she was wrong

Don't argue.

You don't need to convince her that she is wrong and you are right. (And if you try, it just keeps the fight going, and it is horribly invalidating for her to boot. NOTHING GOOD COMES OF THIS.)

You do need to convince her that sometimes she doesn't get her way, right or wrong.

And more importantly you need to convince her that she doesn't get to abuse you as a way of getting her way.

The more consistent you are on this, the better it will work.

[HurtinNW]

Along with what GK suggests, I also think it might be helpful to validate how she is feeling, even if it seems irrational to you. Such as, "I understand you wanted me home right away, maybe you were feeling abandoned." Or whatever else she was feeling.

Sometimes it just helps to name the elephant in the room. Empathizing with her about her struggle to deal with what felt like abandonment on her part might help in the future. That doesn't mean you accept abuse, just you are practicing the validation tool.

[gotbushels]

Hi PM

I hope this helps. Here's one view you can take of this situation:

"A":

So I'm pretty committed to breaking up with my girlfriend with BPD, but I'm having a hard time actually doing it.

Equals to:

"B":

But in the mean time I struggle with just going through each day. It seems like I'm always in trouble for something. The other day I think I was in trouble just because I woke up. Anyway, she told me about a week and a half ago that she would be going out with one of her girlfriends for the evening on friday (yesterday) and that I could do something with my brother or my best friend if I wanted to. Usually that consists of just hanging out drinking some beers and talking about guy stuff. So she was out with her friend and I was hanging out with my brother and at about 9:30 after she got home she asked me to come home and watch a movie with her. But I was hanging out with my brother, something that was planned ahead of time. So I didn't go home when she asked, I told her sorry and that I was hanging out with my brother. And besides that, I know that watching a movie with her, which wouldn't have started until 10 or so, would have been her on Facebook on her phone and then falling asleep 30 minutes into the movie. So then of course she got livid and told me not to come home. I went home anyway at about 12 and slept on the couch. This morning she's berating me about how much of an a**hole I am and that I should have just left when she asked. She said things like "you were already there for 3 or 4 hours, why do you need to stay any longer? What was so important?" And other stuff like "if you love your family so much why don't you go live with them instead?" So am I really the jerk here? Should I have left my brother when she asked me to? I'm really having a hard time figuring out if I'm a jerk or if she's just unreasonable... .

Your example of her behaviour is one of her being far from normal. The more you leave it, the more of a hard time you're going to have in other things. The more you keep providing "A", i.e., not doing what you said you were committed to doing, the more your relationship will provide you varieties of "B". I don't have cool steps to provide like Grey Kitty, but the only action I can see as healthy for you in this particular situation is get on with what you said you were committed to doing. If you don't, the first person that is going to pay for your procrastination is you, followed by other people in your life that may be hurt from fallout from this relationship. Have you set a time and place to do the break? If you haven't, you are losing the value of your commitment to yourself and others.

Good luck

[prisonmike]

Thanks for your thoughts everybody, she really did have me feeling like I might have been the jerk.

the only action I can see as healthy for you in this particular situation is get on with what you said you were committed to doing. If you don't, the first person that is going to pay for your procrastination is you, followed by other people in your life that may be hurt from fallout from this relationship. Have you set a time and place to do the break? If you haven't, you are losing the value of your commitment to yourself and others.

I have been procrastinating way too much. I have other posts and threads about my difficulty following through. I just know there is going to be so much fallout and I want more than anything to avoid that. I'm planning to take all my stuff and move into my parent's house on a day when she is at work all day. I don't think that I could tell her that I want to break up and have it go smoothly. I'm afraid that if she knows what's coming that she will make it as difficult as possible and potentially she might even try to destroy some of my property as a way to "get back at me" or even try to hurt me. So I'm going to try to do it while she's out of the house but in that scenario I know that when she comes home she will be completely devastated. And I don't like the idea of people being hurt because of something I've done.

I don't know, maybe there's something wrong with me too? Is this what codependency is? I just wish that I could tell her that I want to move out and have her be ok with it... .

[Grey Kitty]

There are two sides to that kind of fear about telling her that you want to end things.

One side is a very reasonable belief that she will blow up and deal with it badly, possibly violently. Dealing with that by moving out while she's away is sensible; there are many reasonable precautions you can take about that.

The other side is you being codependent and fearful about her.

You are afraid of what she will say to you.

Perhaps you are afraid she will convince you to do something or let her do something that will harm you. (I'm guessing it has already happened too many times to count.

That fear is also real... .and if you don't deal with it, you're going to make a mess of things, no matter what you do.

But back to this fear, or the FOG as we call it, Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. This you've got to work through on your own, and working through it will help you whatever path you choose.

If you let go of the fear of her anger and criticism, you can take better actions to protect yourself from it. (Like the steps I outlined above to get away when she starts berating you.) This will give you a chance to salvage the relationship.

And if you want to end your relationship, other fears may have you running back.

Either way, if you truly believe that you are worth being treated better than that, you will find a better way to live where you aren't treated that way. Either by staying and not letting her do it. Or by leaving to get away from it.

I do understand exactly how hard it is to make those changes while staying in a relationship. And you don't sound confident of your ability to do so or even that it is worth trying.

If not, do you need help working out your plan to get out safely?

[gotbushels]

I have been procrastinating way too much. I have other posts and threads about my difficulty following through.

It sounds like you know what your issue is.

I don't know, maybe there's something wrong with me too? Is this what codependency is? I just wish that I could tell her that I want to move out and have her be ok with it... .

I wouldn't be so quick to look at the pathology. You might end up just overthinking things. If you already committed to doing the break up, it allows you to think of it more like waking up and throwing out the trash first thing. It needs to get done before you go to work. There was food in there so it's just a matter of time before the worms start.

If you need to plan a few steps ahead to make sure it's a clean break (e.g., move your valuables out first), then write it up in your phone, pick a date and time, and get those things done. The cleaner it is, the better for you.

[Cipher13]

prisonmike

You sound a lot like me early in my relationship. Now everyone is a little different as are there relationships. However there are many similarities in yours and mine I want to just mention as a perspective of what happened to me.

I have been procrastinating way too much. I have other posts and threads about my difficulty following through. I just know there is going to be so much fallout and I want more than anything to avoid that.

This was and is my biggest struggle as well. I am very fearful of initiating the split. Same reasons and more. The one I fear the most is that even after the split over a period of some time (or even in the middle of it) she will convince me to come back and in doing so I will commit to even more blame and hurt and FOG. As bad is it seem now it feels like that could be 10 time worse.

I have lost contact with all friends and family members to keep the relationship from going ballistic. Yet it has never gotten better by me doing so. It is like trying to sacrifice some good part of my life to get a false part that is supposed to be better when it turns out to be worse. Best example is a drug reference. Take this to make you feel good. Then you need more and give up some part of you to get the high again. And each time you get the high it cost you more and more. 

I wish I would have known about this kind of thing (BPD) early in my relationship. I would have hoped I would have listened to the advise I have been getting on here. I still can and should more than I actually do. But the longer I put off acting on the advise the more difficult it seems to actually put in to action. That FOG is so much more powerful the longer you put things off.