I'm in a bad place right now

[Ceruleanblue]

Please don't comment on my blog if you just want to tell me I'm stuck, or some of the previous comments I've gotten that have not been helpful. Now, granted, most of you have been great, I just don't need harsh judgement right now. In fact, I haven't blogged in a while just because of this issue.

Here's the recent development: I feel like I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. I told my therapist this, and we had a two hour session. I told BPDh and the day I told him, he was semi compassionate. Of course, it was the day of MC, and he still criticized me for most of the session, and MC kept asking me if I was up to MC that day, and kept trying to redirect BPDh away from the criticism.

The day after my "really bad day", I was still feeling bad, and I've actually been feeling stressed and shaky for weeks. This isn't just due to BPDh and my life with him, but I am sure it wouldn't be happening if it weren't for that either. I've been around angry, hostile, blaming people for years. I had no idea that was what BPDh was, or I'd have never married him. Even my two kids have anger issues, and there just seems no escape.

Right when I needed BPDh the most(and I realize he's likely not capable of "being there" for me), he got super awful. Tuesday was my "bad day", yet wednesday and tonight, he blew up on me both nights and raged at me, and accused me of being controlling, and all I did both nights was ask him a simple, simple question. I know logically that's not controlling, of course. This morning he apologized for the night before and said he "doesn't know why I stay with him". He said much the same thing two weeks ago: "I have a wife who loves me and would do almost anything for me, and yet I disrespect you so much." He's also said that he's a fool for being that way.

Well, I just found out that he's been off his wellbutrin for 3-5 days. Now, it all makes sense. He's saying crazy things again, and making threats. We had our best weekend in years last weekend, then he's off the deep end. He "changed" as soon as the Wellbutrin left his system. I know it's bad to go off suddenly like that. He picked them up a day or two ago, and I assumed he'd started taking them again, but he says he "forgot".

What should I do? I'm less concerned about HIM, at this point. I'm not suicidal(like two years ago), and I'm sure I never will be again, but I sure feel like my brain isn't functioning well, and like I can't stop shaking. I just want to run away. My therapist suggested a get away, but that would be expensive. I could go to my parents for a few days, but my son is there, and he's another whole stessor. I love him, but he's off/on angry and rude too, and I'm just not up to that right now.

There is a stress unit at hospital, but I'd rather not go that route. If the marriage ends, that's more debt for me, and I want to go back to college(we are working on making that happen). Plus, I'm sure BPDh would then play the whole "see, it's been YOU all along", nevermind his diagnosis. He even bragged not long ago that he'd made his ex crazy too. I'm not crazy, and I'm not doing crazy things like his ex did, but it sure seems like he's trying to see how far he can push me.

Go home for a while, or stress center, or just stay away from home until he's crashed for the night? I need a break before I break.

[AndrewS]

Hi ceruleanblue,

I'm in a similar boat. I just can't find a time or a place to rest and it s becoming unbearable. I never knew this level of exhaustion could exist. I don't know what to recommend because I haven't figured it out for myself. I just want everything to stop for a short while. I hope you find a way.

[Sunfl0wer]

You have had a lot on your plate and mind for sometime now.  It seems reasonable that you would feel so overwhelmed by things.

It sounds like you are saying that what you really need is respite yet feel you cannot afford to leave for any overnight trip?  That you are not a danger to yourself or anyone?

It probably is a good idea to manage getting away from H if you can for as long periods as you can since you two are probably both at great risk for unintentionally triggering one another esp since he is off meds that were helping.

What do you think would happen if you wait until he is crashed to go home then ponder and plan a day of self care stuff alone or with a friend for tomorrow?

[Sky100]

Hi ceruleanblue

I am so sorry to hear  what you are going through. I understand completely because I am going through the same exact thing. My husband treats me the same way and my son who is angry takes it out on me  . I feel as though I am also having a NBD.

I am trying to take care of myself but it is very difficult when people are constantly verbally abusing you.

I live in the same home as my BPDH but we are seperated. I am trying to get the strength I need to leave.

Please know you are not alone. I know it is hard but please try to take care of yourself.  Try to take a little time to be alone so you could relax and think more clearly. This is what I am trying to do for myself .

Take Care  

[Verbena]

CB, I feel really bad for you.  It looks like I'm about to end an almost 34-year marriage myself.  I know you don't want to be divorced again. I never wanted to feel divorce was in my future either. That's why I have stayed this long.  

While my marriage has been no walk in the park, it cannot compare to the almost daily level of emotional abuse that you are suffering in yours.  And you are allowing it.  I allowed plenty, too, and for much, much longer than you have. It just hasn't been anywhere close to what you're dealing with.  If it had, it would likely have killed me by now.  I'm serious.

You are in an unhealthy relationship and now it's affecting your health.  I know you're younger than I am (I'm 55) but it is entirely possible that the stress you are suffering could lead to a heart attack. Your physical health is at stake here.  

Is there a friend or relative that you could go visit for at least a week?  Could you tell your husband that you need a break for that long?  No contact for one week?  You just might see such a difference in how you feel physically and emotionally. This could give you the strength and resolve to do something about your situation. I don't see your husband getting any better.  

I don't know if this is the comment you were looking for, but it's all I've got.  

[Ceruleanblue]

I actually do a lot of self care, but even that is not helping at this point. I do something I enjoy every day, but my nerves are just shot. I can feel myself tense up when he's coming home, or I know it's about that time.

I'm thinking of going home for a couple days to my parents, even though dealing with my son could go either way. He's a great kid, but he too has anger issues, and he's often short tempered with everyone. Not what I want to do when I'm looking to get away from just that.

After the last two nights of ugly, verbally abusive blow ups that came out of nowhere, right on the heels of my telling him that I feel I could have a breakdown? I think it's likely due to the fact that he'd gone too long being off his meds, and having withdrawal, but it also seems like he takes sick pleasure in seeing if he can "break me". The way he taunted me with "I made my ex crazy too", was just chilling.

I AM NOT acting crazy like she did. I don't know why he can't see that no matter how far he's pushed me, I won't get physical with him, nor will I sink to his level. It's pretty clear his ex did, but why can't he see that I won't do that? We've now spent five years together, but it's clear he's trying to paint me with the same brush he did her. And as far as I know, she never suffered from anxiety, and I do now. Goodness knows I know enough about his ex, due to him, and his grown kids. I long to be ME, and be judged for what I actually DO, not what he tells me I'm doing, or thinking, or feeling.

I seriously need a break. I'm not even sure a few days away would be enough to really settle my shaking and my nerves. I've never felt like this before. I feel I might have to leave him to keep my own emotional well being, especially if he stays at this level of the last two days. I needed him to try to be a tiny bit nicer, and instead he unleashed the hounds of hell when I was already really struggling. It feels like a shark that smells blood in the water, and he's circling.

He's angry, so very angry, and he won't even talk about why. I thought if he talked about it, I'd just listen, not try to "fix" anything, but maybe he'd feel better getting it out. He won't. He wants to stew and feed his anger. He says he doesn't really know how he's feeling, but it's pretty clear from his actions, what he says, and his body language, that he's very, very angry.

I'm sick of worrying about him being angry. I'm sick of having to focus on HIM because he decided to dysregulate or get super angry, right when I'm not up to coping. He ordered me to "just leave him", yet he says it's not a threat. Heck, it's sounding like a REWARD at this point. Does he think he's a joy to be around, and that I don't think I deserve better?

Plus, I'm pretty sure if I tell anyone at the stress center what my life is, it's going to be more pressure to leave him, and while I have plans, they are not immediate plans. I want to get through college first, which is exactly what his ex did. If he improves during that time, great, but I don't look for that to happen.

I wish I had a friend that lived a couple hours away, and that would be a great excuse to get away... .

[Ceruleanblue]

Verbena: I'm 48, and right now, other than this mess, my focus is totally on trying to get back in college. I NEED to do that to build a better life for myself. You are right, I don't look for things to get better because as much as I modify my behaviors around BPDh, he still finds new ways to get angry at me. It's like a sick game.

It is affecting my health. I had two really bad colds this year, and also the stomach flu. I rarely get sick, and I also got the flu shot, so I'm attributing this to stress. The anxiety is awful. My therapist said this would cause anyone anxiety, which is somewhat comforting. I know it's not my fault, but even when I try the suggested things my therapist suggests, it doesn't work, and that FEELS like I'm not doing it right, or that it's my fault. I'll even tell her "I'll try, but he hates me asking him how he's feeling, so I doubt that will work". Or she's told me to ask him if he can soften his responses to me? Uhm, that would just set him way off. He's like an exposed nerve, and takes almost everything the wrong way.

Plus, my two best friends I had before I met BPDh are male, so staying with them for a week is out of the question. That would just lead to more drama. I'll figure something out.

I'm so sorry to hear that you don't think your marriage is going to make it either. It's such a hard choice to make. I was actually married before for 19 years, and he was angry too, but likely not personality disordered. I didn't really feel my ex had a reason for his anger, but I think I've justified or made excuses for my current husband due to his BPD, or whatever he has going on. I'm sure you had reasons you stayed too. It's a hard thing to realize that you just can't do it anymore.

[HurtinNW]

CB,

I'm going to toss some random ideas for taking a break, they may not be useful, but hey, sometimes one idea leads to another, right?

You have a car, right? Time for a punk rock trip. This is what my girlfriends and I coined in the states. Don't know where you live, but the states are like one big free road trip. How is it free? Don't laugh: truck stops! The freeways are littered with truck stops. You know what is inside those places? Free showers! (no kidding, take a number, have a free hot shower). Cheap hot dogs, and in some places, free movies. I know this sounds crazy, but it can be crazy fun just to... .drive... .and drive... .Pretend you are Thelma and Louise. Go someplace pretty, too, for your destination. Like the Grand Canyon, where you can imagine pushing him in. Just kidding. Kind of. You can take a picture and photoshop him in going over the cliff. 

There are TONS of low cost group bus trips around. Green Tortoise is well known. They will be full of other singles, some in similar hurting places. You can leave soon with only a few bucks in your pocket, connect with one of those trips, and be with other people on an adventure very soon. They have trips from mild to exciting. Really cheap!

Burrow in, burrow away. Your local library probably has classes. Join a writer's group. Take art classes. A new job. Anything for a break.

He made his ex crazy too? Have you thought about going teflon? Virtually every area has a need for volunteers to work with inmates, the mentally ill, the elderly. You can get a volunteer position helping the very people he makes crazy. It would make you feel better to help others, and honestly, seeing other lives helps us see the dysfunction in our own. It is so empowering to help others.

PS: I am 48 too. It's not too late for us to have a wonderful life.

[AndrewS]

I'm 53, sitting here at work contemplating going home and feeling my stomach knotting up and my mouth drying up. How can a grown man be this way?

[Ceruleanblue]

I love to drive, I'm just wondering how I'd actually sleep in my car. I like the idea though. It's totally something I hadn't thought of!

I mean, I can always go to my folks, and I was just there today, and had a pretty nice time with my son, who is 17. He's just so unpredictably moody, and I'm not up for his anger, if that happens. I think he and I are in a pretty good place now, and while I do miss living with him daily, the time we do spend is better. For a while, he'd get mad, and I'd leave. He was so used to being able to take his anger out on me. He'd done it all his life, and I let him, because I loved him, and had tried everything else: therapy for him, rewards, time out, loss of privileges, positive reinforcement... .you name it.

Maybe a road trip with my son wouldn't be a bad idea? As long as he knows we have to do it on the cheap. It's an option, maybe.

AndrewS: I totally understand how you feel. My anxiety level spiked up on the drive home from seeing my folks/son. I might not like when my son gets angry, but it's never made my anxiety got sky high. BPDh scares me in a way my son never could. My son isn't violent, or crazy acting. His anger is low level compared to BPD and his rages, road rage, skewed thinking and blaming me for everything. The utter negativity is mind blowing. I'm sure you are familiar with it all. How could we not have anxiety, or dread, because if you are like me, you never know what you are walking into. Could be an okay night, or could be divorce threats and being told everything is my fault.

I used to get the dry mouth thing too. I don't anymore, but now I get the shakes. Weird. I just know someday this will be in the past, and I'll be so thankful.

[Notwendy]

CB, have you considered a local domestic abuse center? Is there a hotline you can call?

In some areas, there are centers where the location is not known to the public ( this is for the safety of the residents). If someone calls a DA hotline, they are directed to a public office where they can be assessed and then offered shelter if they need it. These centers also offer counseling. They are supported by charitable organizations as they know sometimes women come with nothing and this is their only affordable option.

I understand that you feel you have had enough of hearing people say things like being stuck and don't want to hear it. The other side of this is that, posters have, with good intentions, offered you advice and then, hear from you that " it is not that bad". It is not up to others to decide what is bad or not for you. Yet you can know that when people do offer advice, even if you don't want to take it, it is done with concern for you.

Being in a relationship that is emotionally threatening and hurtful can take an emotional toll on someone. It is up to the individual to decide what to do about that. Should things feel bad enough, and you have such a DA center, it may be an option for you. One doesn't have to be beaten my their spouse to be considered abused and these centers are familiar with different situations and local resources.

You may fear that doing this will end your marriage. However, everyone, even the women in a DA shelter have free will to choose to stay or leave. That is always your choice to make. While it is important for the safety of the residents to not disclose locations, I don't think they restrict communication with family or loved ones who may be concerned about them. I don't know how they handle this part, so you would have to ask. In this case, you could tell your H you are just taking some time to yourself, and that you are OK.

[Fian]

I think confined in a car with your son is probably too much time with an angry personality.  Being at your parents when he will be gone during parts of the day will probably result in a lower stress setting.  Wherever you go, I recommend turning your cell phone off.  If you listen to what your husband says while you are gone, it will just increase your stress more.

[Verbena]

CB, I completely agree that you need to turn off your phone if you go somewhere away from your husband for awhile.  Otherwise, what is the point?  He will draw you back into the chaos if you don't. 

I can see this relationship taking years off your life if you don't change your course soon.  You need some time away from it, some time to relax and take care of yourself, some time to plan.

Yes, it's very hard to finally accept that you just can't take anymore.  I'm a slow learner.  Nearly 34 years is long, long time.  Five years is a long, long time also when the abuse is as pervasive as what you are experiencing.  Another five years of this, and you won't even recognize yourself anymore. 

[flourdust]

I hear your frustration when you ask "Why can't he just... .?"

Why can't he just not blow up at me?

Why can't he just realize I'm not attacking him?

Why can't he just give me a break and just not pick a fight for once?

Why can't he just let something go?

I have had the same thoughts, so many times. It's the horror of this disorder. They can't stop from sabotaging themselves, from hurting the people they need, from blowing up their own lives. And we're the collateral damage.

My wife and I separated a few months ago. I can't tell you how much peace this has brought to me. There is still conflict -- I even called the police to have her removed from the house last week -- but the frequency is reduced, and I have some control over when it happens, because there are many, many hours when she's simply not around.

Not having her in my house has created a sanctuary for me. A place where I can rest, refresh myself, and think clearly. When I ask myself how I feel these days, I'm surprised at how often my reflexive response is "happy."

[Notwendy]

If finances were not an obstacle, a flight to a tropical resort by yourself to unwind might be an option. One reason for the suggestion of a DV shelter is that it provides a place to get away from family members who are part of the drama, and this can include your son if he is angry. A car trip can be invigorating or tiring, and one needs a car and gas money.

DV shelters are also run by people trained to handle such situations, be supportive, and not interact in emotionally dramatic ways.

[Cloudy Days]

I have so been in your shoes. For awhile my husband was at a very intense level of angry. It turns out he was having a manic episode but it took such a toll on me living with him during those months. Anger is hard to live around, it's really hard on your health and it can and will make you go crazy. I recently went through my own mental break down, I don't think I actually reached it but I was really close. You need to listen to your body and your mind, it's telling you it needs a break. Living with your husband is a level of uncomfortable that maybe you can get away from for a little while. I like what others have suggested, I think maybe going to your parents house and planning a few things to do with your son would be beneficial to you. Go to the zoo or get baseball tickets (the cheap seats will do). I know that dealing with an angry teenager sucks too but it's not the same as someone you are downright afraid of. If this is the only thing you can do, then do it.

You can't live in a war zone every day and not expect it to take it's toll on you. Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. No one in your shoes would feel any differently than what you are feeling right now. At some point you are going to break and you can't allow that to happen. Just remember no matter what happens in your life, you should be the most important person in your life.

I understand your upset about the last post you made. I think it's sometimes important to hear other people's criticisms because if you don't hear them, you may not see them yourself. I'm not talking about what your husband is doing, at some point you just have to accept that he's not going to be happy and you just have to do what makes you happy. Most people on here have good intentions and wished someone would have said something to them. I know I wish I had someone showing me what I couldn't see for myself.

Medications always made me weary with my husband, not only is it hard when he goes on them, often the side effects are anger, agitation, suicidal tendencies, you name it, it's a side effect until you get used to the drug. My husband would go on something for a week or two, decide he couldn't deal with the side effects and then go off of it. Good lord was that stressful to deal with! He finally found something he can live with, but he was forced to go on them in the first place. I feel for you, I know it really sucks when you have hope that someone will finally take their meds and try harder, then it falls apart. I think the fact that you need a break so badly just makes it all so much worse.

[Verbena]

CB, Although our situations are very different, there are a few similarities:

1. I, too, had no idea that my husband had emotional/mental issues until after the marriage. He hid them quite well the year that we dated.

2.I, too, have spent many years asking myself, "Why can't he just... .?"  

Until my daughter's BPD got so bad that I came to this site, it never occured to me that my husband had mental illness. Sure, I knew he was difficult and angry and miserable and SO hard to live with, but I never knew that there might be a real explanation for it.  

Right about the time my daughter began to do SO MUCH better (and she is still doing very well), I veered over to the boards dealing with spouses.  It was really a lightbulb moment.  Yet, I still, even know, ask myself, "Why can't he just... ."  

You seem like a very intelligent person, and I like to think I am, too.  But we both have tried to make sense of something that will never make sense.  You've been trying for five years; I tried for decades.  

It was only recently, after a lot of prayer, when God showed me once and for all, through a conversation between me and my husband, that I cannot fix this by myself.  That's why I asked my husband three times in three months to please, please go to counseling with me. It was the only thing left that I knew to do.  

Your husband goes to counseling and doesn't change.  My husband refused to go and doesn't change.   Ultimately, no one on this earth can fix anyone else.  I believe it was notwendy who recently said to me that it wasn't my job to fix my husband.  That really struck me because I don't think I "got that" until very recently.  

[Cloudy Days]

One of my ah ha moments came from a conversation with my husband as well. I actually said the words "why can't you just act like a normal human being this one time!" I can't remember what it was for, or why I said that but his response was very strait forward. He said "I'm not a normal human being, I can't be what I am not".

That sank in for me, your husband can't just be anything, he is who he is. Sometimes the only thing you can do is step away from whatever it is that is causing you pain and really try to focus on you. Because none of this is really about your husband. All of your posts are done with your best interest in mind and that's how it should be. Your trying to make your life better, not necessarily his and I know that is sometimes hard to swallow because you care about him.

When you think about what is on the line, your health, your sanity, your life in general, you need to be able to just focus on you right now. When someone is angry and screaming at you and picking apart you as a person in every way they can think of, there is no possible way you will be able to focus on you. I know in my experience, even when I did get time to myself, time for my relaxation, it was tainted by the fact that I had to go back to the war zone in a few hours, it was hard to enjoy my me time. No amount of self care is going to make something awful feel ok.

[formflier]

How are you doing on exercising?  Can you step that up big-time?   

Do you like to swim?

Massages?

OK, let's talk tactics here.  I am still sensing poor boundaries.  It bothers me that you know these horrible things that he has said.  Why not choose to take your ears elsewhere?

Honestly, not a criticism.  Trying to help you problem solve.

FF

[Grey Kitty]

I'm late to this topic, and Notwendy beat me to the suggestion that you might find a place to stay at a local DV shelter.

And even if you didn't find a place there, they might have resources or alternatives for you.

From what you describe, what you need is to spend some time where you are SAFE. Where you won't be attacked or criticized by your husband. That's the top priority for you.

I don't think the hospital is the place.

Being trapped in a car for hours with somebody who is angry is NOT any fun anytime, and the last thing you need right now, so doing it with your son sounds like a bad idea.

A road trip alone has potential. I've done things of the sort, and my wife has done quite a few solo ones... .a woman your age has some extra risks and concerns, but assuming you have any sort of street smarts and sense of who is trustworthy, it is an adventure, not a horrible risk. My biggest concern with that idea is that when you are depressed yourself, it is hard to find anything fun or adventurous.

Crashing on the couch of a good friend for a week sounds appealing. When you say that your best friends are male and speak of troubles, I'm assuming you mean your H would be jealous and angry about it... .and that for you these friendships are platonic.

Just going someplace for solitude has a lot of potential. If you dig around there are things like camping cabins or yurts you can rent, some in parks/campgrounds; a step up from staying in a tent. They tend to be remote and cheap. (I'm fine with camping in a tent, but I've got all the camping gear... .if you don't have the gear or aren't very comfortable with it. It would probably be better than a cheap (i.e. sleezy) motel.

If you want adventure, there is a website or some such for couch surfing. Check it out. You could stay in a nearby (or not-so-nearby) city.

So... .can you take a week away from your H, and either turn your phone off or block him for the time? (I'm assuming he won't honor a request not to call you) If you do, do you have at least a small budget for it?

[flourdust]

I agree with Grey Kitt, but I say screw the budget. So you spend some money that wasn't planned -- too bad! With life falling down around your ears, you're not going to get a medal for balancing the checkbook this month.

[Ceruleanblue]

So, here is what actually happened:

After Wed. and Thursday went so badly, I found a DV live chat, and really unloaded. That was immensely helpful. She said, and I agree, that just because he has a PD, it does not make him not responsible for the verbal an emotional abuse.

The next day, which was Friday, I decided to test the waters, and I asked BPDh how he was "feeling". I actually was pretty specific, and I asked him if he was going to be able to be decent to me, and if not, I was planning to go away for the weekend, because I was just not up to any more right then. He knew the mental state I'd been in. He said he was feeling better, and I decided to wait to see how he behaved when he got home.

I guess after he got two doses of his meds back in, he started to feel better, which improved his responses/behaviors somewhat. I'm not sure if he acted so awful and angry because he was withdrawing cold turkey(which is dangerous), or if I'd just forgotten how extremely awful he was prior to getting on the meds? Either way, it was awful, and if he starts acting like THAT daily, I'm out. I can't live like that.

Nothing major since then, and he's apologized several times for how he acted. He asked me to help him remember what happened so he could journal it for his DBT therapist. He's supposed to journal every day, but he won't, so he ends up doing a week's worth in one night, and he can't remember it, so he asks me. My memory is not the best due to all this stress, and I couldn't even remember what set him off so horribly that thursday night. I honestly think it was so awful, that my brain just blocked part of it out.

I now have plans though for the next time he goes off the rails. It's going to be a road trip, or a stay at my folks. I'd have done it this time if he so much as hinted at being angry or picking a fight. I think he was on his better behavior because he knew I was thinking of doing my own thing, which just goes to show that he CAN control it. Maybe now always, but he could behave way better than he chooses to. That's what DBT teaches, and he just doesn't utilize the skills.

For now, I'm hoping things stay calm, but I'm not going to expect they will. I have long term plans, and short term plans. Short term includes him, but long term is likely to not include him, sadly. Unless he can modify his abusive behaviors somewhat, I'm not willing to spend years being his target. Whoever said I have to accept that he's probably never going to be happy, is right. I accepted that long ago, and I also accepted that I can't "fix" him. Only HE can do that, and he doesn't seem to want to enough.

Also, yes, my alone time which I used to enjoy, is somewhat tainted because I know I'm going to go back to who knows what mood from him.

And Formflier: I don't always listen to his tirades and angry rants. I do sometimes, if I feel he has a point, or it isn't just abuse. But when he's clearly in that scary anger zone, or he's just spewing character assasinations and telling me how I feel, or why I did something, I'm out. I don't deserve or need that crap. Never did, but I think my compassion and what I felt was mental toughness, kept me there. Now, I'm just tired, and have very little respect for the way he feels it's okay to treat me. I guess I was always afraid he'd feel disrespected, or not heard, if I walked away, which is ironic, because HE was disrespecting ME.

I know I'll feel a lot better when I'm in college, and I have an excuse to not engage with him so much. I'll be doing something for ME, and it's going to be my focus.

[Grey Kitty]

  You sound better today.

I hope you continue to believe that he has no right to verbally or emotionally abuse you... .and his mental illness is no excuse for when he does it or attempts it.

I did see one interesting thing in here that I'd like to flag:

He asked me to help him remember what happened so he could journal it for his DBT therapist. He's supposed to journal every day, but he won't, so he ends up doing a week's worth in one night, and he can't remember it, so he asks me.

If you keep a journal of what he does/says and what you do/say, keep it for yourself, not for him. (During abusive times, I did a fair bit of that, and it helped at the time for me.)

His therapy really is his business, not yours, and the more you get involved in it, the less you help. If you tell him stuff so he can retroactively journal for his homework, you are enabling him. (Chances are the reason he is given the homework is as much because of how the process of journaling daily would help him, not just to bring the records for therapy.

So I'd suggest that you politely but firmly decline to involve yourself in his therapy actively.