Intro and Looking for some Advice

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

I have recently come to the realization that my wife of almost ten years is more than likely suffering from BPD.  It has been very difficult for me to accept this and even more difficult to live with it for as long as I have.  I know that she is suffering even more so but her paranoia is so bad that I don't know how to discuss getting help with her without it turning into a mess.  She is constantly worried about people talking about her and plotting against her, not to do physical harm but more so emotional attacks.  She has little to no trust in anyone including me and we have been alienated from just about all of our family and friends because of this.  She has a lot of anger and anxiety associated with her paranoia and will lash out against anyone that she feels is threatening her or our kids, no matter how harmless the situation.  She tends to connect dots that aren't there and then feel like her conclusions and actions are completely justified even if they make little to no sense to me or anyone else involved.  The more I find out about this condition, the more I realize that I have been enabling her all this time and not really helping the situation.  What complicates the situation even more is that we have two young daughters.  I'm trying my best here but I feel very overwhelmed and I'm not sure what steps to take to get her the help that she needs.  The only thing that I can think of is to get us into couples counseling because she seems to less opposed to the idea if I'm involved. 

Any advice on this situation would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

-Bob

[BobGee77]

Hello,

I have recently come to the realization that my wife of almost ten years is more than likely suffering from BPD.  It has been very difficult for me to accept this and even more difficult to live with it for as long as I have.  I know that she is suffering even more so but her paranoia is so bad that I don't know how to discuss getting help with her without it turning into a mess.  She is constantly worried about people talking about her and plotting against her, not to do physical harm but more so emotional attacks.  She has little to no trust in anyone including me and we have been alienated from just about all of our family and friends because of this.  She has a lot of anger and anxiety associated with her paranoia and will lash out against anyone that she feels is threatening her or our kids, no matter how harmless the situation.  She tends to connect dots that aren't there and then feel like her conclusions and actions are completely justified even if they make little to no sense to me or anyone else involved.  The more I find out about this condition, the more I realize that I have been enabling her all this time and not really helping the situation.  What complicates the situation even more is that we have two young daughters.  I'm trying my best here but I feel very overwhelmed and I'm not sure what steps to take to get her the help that she needs.  The only thing that I can think of is to get us into couples counseling because she seems to less opposed to the idea if I'm involved. 

Any advice on this situation would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

-Bob

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Thunderstruck]

Hi BobGee77! 

How old are your daughters? How is your and your wife's relationship with them? A lot of us here in the coparenting board have already separated or are step parenting (like myself) but we could help you with any parenting issues you seem to encounter.

Do you feel like you are hoping to stay and improve your relationship? There is another board on here dedicated to this topic and the folks over there could probably give you some good insight. From what I have observed (as an outsider) it seems like it ends up that the non (that's you, a non-BPD person) usually ends up making the most out of therapy to help set and enforce boundaries. It's difficult to get a pwBPD into therapy because they don't think that they have anything wrong with them (it's always someone else's fault).

[BobGee77]

Our daughters are 6 and 8.

I realized that I ended up posting to the wrong board and have requested that it be moved to "Improving."  Thanks!

I would really like to stay and get things better.  I don't know if my wife would ever get any help if I wasn't involved since she does always feel like it's someone else's fault.

She does sometimes show signs of self-awareness but whenever I try to dig deeper it always ends up back firing and she gets very defensive.

[an0ught]

Hi BobGee77,

She does sometimes show signs of self-awareness but whenever I try to dig deeper it always ends up back firing and she gets very defensive.

digging may well be too painful. Couple counseling generally does not work well as it tends to be problem solving oriented and that again may be too painful. There is also the risk of triangulation. On the other hand it can also be a start to reach out for help and can be a resource for validation. A lot depends on all individuals involved. Manage your expectation what you can get out of MC.

There are significant improvements possible by you learning a few key coping skills. You have way more power to change the situation than you realize. The LESSONS are a good starting point. The board can be an important resource to get direction and feedback on how to develop them. It does not take long to read, a little longer to understand but as with all skills constant and targeted practice makes all the difference.

,

a0