Did your BPD befriend other BPDs?

[warhar]

Did anybody's BPD partner form friendships with other BPDs?

And I don't mean the usual, short-term 'friend-then enemy' relationship.

My exw has known three other women for the last twenty years and apart from the occasional tiff the four seem to have formed a lasting friendship of sorts.

All three are, like my ex, high-functioning and boast a perfect public persona. However their FOO and their private lives tell a completely different story.

The four share a number of similarities in behaviour and seem to have a shared life-events calendar. Its almost as though they got together and planned various happenings simultaneously. For example - they all abandoned a partner/spouse within a matter of weeks of each other.

I was just wondering whether anybody else had a similar experience with their BPD partners. Does like-attract-like?

[AndrewS]

I don't know if like attracts like but they certainly choose friends that have problems. These are generally the type who won't question anything they say or any behaviour they see. As my therapist says, if you want to quit smoking you don't hang around smokers as they have a vested interest in you continuing to smoke - so they don't lose your friendship and so they justify their own behaviour.

My ex had a best friend from childhood who had every trauma you can imagine and I'm sure she had PDs. When we split, I think the best friend told her that I was a good guy and she should maybe look at her own issues. A number of times the friend had told me I was a good influence on the ex. Now the friend is painted black after 30 year friendship. You can't question a BPD persons self. So perhaps they do under the condition that everyone plays along?

[JerryRG]

Hello warhar

My exgf hung out with some pretty questionable people, her best friend on earth fakes being pregnant about every 6 months and even asked for a recording of our sons sonogram to make a special gift for my ex, yep all a bunch of assorted nuts. I love cashews but my exgf was a disgusting rotten burnt peanut.

She was homeless and broke her friends relationship up so her friend would move into another place. YUCK!

Oh funny thing was they both accused each other of being pathological liars, birds of a feather and she never showerd! 

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

oopps misread the question. Deleting my reply 

[troisette]

There is no one around my ex with BPD traits that I can see but several of his friends seem to be narcissistic, one or two may be NPD. They seem  to function as mutual enablers - "frenemies".

I read somewhere that Borderlines and Narcissists can be mutually attracted.

All are immature, like ex, children in adult bodies - maybe that adds to the attraction?

[WoundedBibi]

There is no one around my ex with BPD traits that I can see but several of his friends seem to be narcissistic, one or two may be NPD. They seem  to function as mutual enablers - "frenemies".

I read somewhere that Borderlines and Narcissists can be mutually attracted.

All are immature, like ex, children in adult bodies - maybe that adds to the attraction?

That sounds very familiar...

[ScotisGone74]

Why dont prostitutes, serial murderers, and rapists hang out with church people?  Maybe because they would ashamed, ridiculed, persecuted, judged, and more than likely rightly

So.    A Bpd already hates themselves deep down, they could not withstand judgement

Or ridicule without shriveling into sand.   Therefore what better than to find some folks

Who act just as bad as they do?    During my exBPD relationship I was always saying to her ,"Geeze you have some pretty wild friends" after hearing stories about them.   Turns out I was in  a relationship with the wildest of all.      Birds of a feather flock together.

[BarbHH]

Just only finally broke up with my BPD hubby a few days ago, so kinda reading everything I can on the subject at the moment, cause I gonna need to be very strong.

Wao, that all sounds SO familiar! After a year or so with my husband, after I had met or heard about most of his friends, I remember telling him: "how strange you have so many friends with psychological issues"! He replied that he never realised before.

Two of his best friends ever arerecognised maniac depressiv and were a few times in a psychiatric hospital. I suspect another guy of being BPD as his wife has hinted very strongly on this and she told me stories that sounded very familiar. Another one is also chronically depressed and has been in sick leave for 18 months (looks like the 5 weeks in psychiatric hospital last year weren't enough and he'll probably end up going back in). The rest of them counts many obvious narcissists (that my ex seem to worship like they were some kind of gods). All of them are either single or in highly problematic relationships.

And as we moved to a new city 2 years ago, the one new friend he's got has massive problems with his wife (fighting, throwing things, violence, blackmail etc ). This guy actually involved my husband in their problems, putting him in a position of "referee" between the two, which was obviously not to my liking. The friend complains about his (in my opinion PBD) wife, and in the end my husband said I was just like her, which was the final blow for me and made me say "enough is enough"!

I will be relieved not to have those very unhealthy people around me, and not to fear their influence on my own life, as it was the case every time my husband saw them.

Has anyone else felt friends had a huge power on highly influenceable BPD?

[hergestridge]

My BPDxw didn't suffer fools gladly. She was harsh in her judgment of other people with unpleasant characteristics. This was one of the reasons I had a hard time figuring out her problem. She was very critical and observant of other people trying to manipulate her and she couldn't stand people who made her walk on eggshells. I just couldn't fathom that she could be just that like herself. I imagined that if you can spot it you don't have it.

The friends are either narcissists who don't care or the weak ones who are scared and eager to please.

[troisette]

"The rest of them counts many obvious narcissists (that my ex seem to worship like they were some kind of gods). All of them are either single or in highly problematic relationships."

I could have written that BarbHH.

And yes, they did have huge power over my highly influenceable ex BPD.

He has narcissistic traits and they act as supply, as he does for them. Also, I think they provide him with a sense of belonging and identity, this probably helps with his inner emptiness. Because they are either narcissistic or maybe some are NPD, they don't pick up on his oddities (which are in the main concealed) or his dissociative episodes, they are too self-absorbed. They are all childlike, they crave attention and married and single women enjoy his flirtiness. He seems to act as third party in one long-standing but unhappy marriage, serving the needs of the husband and wife. He also uses triangulation. But it seems to work for them, although they are spiteful and gossipy behind each others backs, they do reinforce each others views of themselves as socially elevated. They need to believe this due to their grandiosity.

Good luck in your journey!

[BarbHH]

Thanks for your answer Troisette.

It really helps being able to relate to other people's experiences.