How to get from values to boundaries? (mental, emotional, physical)

[DearBFF]

I paraphrased this from a previous post because I'm still a bit stuck, although I found the responses quite helpful they didn't help me get unstuck with creating boundaries for my values.

So I am trying really hard to understand personal values in relation to boundaries, so I can get a clearer picture of what I would like my boundaries to be.  I think I have good values, but I haven't thought about it enough to just list them off.  The only one I can say without a doubt is honesty, and it is probably #1 on my list.

I'd like to know if I'm understanding this correctly, and get some direction if I'm wrong so I can tackle this and feel like I have it sorted out.

So I have personal values of what I find important in life.  These may change over time, although some may stay the same, while others may have room for compromise to some extent.  Am I correct?

Then I have boundaries which I come up with to protect my personal values from persons/things who/that would violate them.  Now as far as the three types of boundaries: mental, emotional, physical I'm a bit confused.

Is it that a personal value can be violated on one or possibly all 3 of those levels?  

Is it that we need to come up with a boundary or multiple boundaries to protect us on all 3 of those levels?

For instance, if I use honesty as an example for a value I want to create boundaries for:

Mentally would make me think me personally, am I right there?  So I guess I could simply make it a rule to not lie to myself.  :)oes that work?

Emotional makes me think being truthful about my feelings.  Correct?

Physical I guess would mean not doing something I find dishonest with my body/actions?  Right?

Help much appreciated!  I'm getting stuck here on the one I know is my biggest value that I'd like to uphold, but if I can figure out this one, then that will help me understand how to do it with the rest.

Thanks a bunch!    

[eeks]

Then I have boundaries which I come up with to protect my personal values from persons/things who/that would violate them.  Now as far as the three types of boundaries: mental, emotional, physical I'm a bit confused.

Is it that a personal value can be violated on one or possibly all 3 of those levels?  

Is it that we need to come up with a boundary or multiple boundaries to protect us on all 3 of those levels?

I suspect that the original intention of that structure was to show that boundaries can be mental, emotional or physical.  For instance, a mental boundary might be around autonomy of beliefs, not taking on what someone else says or thinks without considering for yourself whether you believe it.  An emotional boundary might be not allowing someone to make you feel guilty for choosing not to help them (or limiting how you help).  And physical boundaries around touching and personal space (including deciding who you will allow to touch you a certain way, family, friends, lovers, medical professionals)

However, it sounds like you gained some creativity by thinking about 3 "levels" of boundary for a given value, so why not use that if you find it helpful.

For instance, if I use honesty as an example for a value I want to create boundaries for:

Mentally would make me think me personally, am I right there?  So I guess I could simply make it a rule to not lie to myself.  :)oes that work?

Emotional makes me think being truthful about my feelings.  Correct?

Physical I guess would mean not doing something I find dishonest with my body/actions?  Right?

I would say honesty is mostly mental and emotional, but the physical is tied in.  Once you know your own thoughts and feelings, you can decide on physical actions that convey that honesty in the world.

If you value honesty, not lying to yourself is important... .catching yourself making those little rationalizations, or habits of assuming "It's not acceptable to say that", etc.  I would include being truthful with others, as well.

You can also use past situations with others in which you felt angry, hurt or disappointed, to say "which value was not honoured here?" and use that to find the values and think of boundary-setting words and actions that might ensure the value is honoured in future.

For instance, let's say someone tried to convince you that something negative about yourself was true, and you weren't sure if it was but the person was important to you so you believed them (or feared it to be true).  So the value that wasn't honoured was autonomy of thoughts/opinions (there may be a better word for that).  So as a boundary, when this happens in future you might decide that you will validate the person without agreeing.  Or tell them that you have heard their feedback, and you need some time to think about whether you will accept it.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Dear-

One thing that can be helpful is to develop a values hierarchy; you mention honesty is #1, and what's #2?  And it's easier to not get caught up in the order at first, just list all of the values you consider important and then compare two at a time, deciding which one of them is more important than the other.  And yes, our values or their order can change over time, so as you're playing with your list, don't get hung up on 'how they used to be' or 'what they should be', just focus on how they are.  And then, once you're happy with your list, look for values conflicts, like if you value both 'belonging' and 'self-reliance', how do reconcile what that means, what you do, and whom you do it with?

The point is, once you've got a list that you consider final and right for you, ask yourself how do I live "in accordance with my values"?  Most fulfillment can be found when we're living in accordance with our values, and most distress shows up when we're not, and when we're not, it can be easy to let other people cross boundary values, because we weren't focusing on them or didn't know they were there or needed to be.  My ex comes to mind as a premier boundary buster, and things would have been different if I'd been focusing on them at the time.

Anyway, once we start living life from that frame, living in accordance with our values because we say so, it becomes more obvious when we're not, and it becomes more obvious when other people are violating boundaries that support those values.

For instance, if I use honesty as an example for a value I want to create boundaries for: Mentally would make me think me personally, am I right there?  So I guess I could simply make it a rule to not lie to myself.  :)oes that work?

You could make it a rule, and not lying to yourself would be honest with yourself, living in accordance with your values with honesty being the most important, and if you come from that frame it would be harder to lie to yourself so you might not need the rule, although another tack is to ask yourself, why am I lying to myself about this?  What other need is being met by this lie?  What value am I trying to live in accordance with by lying this way?  And questions like that can uncover values conflicts or make you aware of changes you need to make.

And then, once you've lived that way for a while and noticed what you're getting, you can start to ask what do my values need to be to create the life of my dreams?  What needs to be most important as I live this life to get the most out of it and give the most to it?  And living in accordance with your values without compromise creates a big boundary of its own, and folks who are supportive of them are welcome, folks who aren't really need to go away.  It's a brand new world... .

Take care of you!

[Grey Kitty]

You want to live in a way that promotes and supports your values in a positive sense.

You also want to live in a way that you don't act or speak against your values.

You don't need to enforce boundaries to do either of these things for YOURSELF.

Boundaries come in when a person near you is acting against your values or asking you to act against your values. Then you need to enforce boundaries to protect yourself. This is where your boundaries come from your values.

I think FHTH is right--values get interesting when you have more than one of them (you always do), and when they are to some degree in conflict.

i.e. you value both peace and honesty, and know that you will be faced with conflict when if you are honest in a specific situation.

You might be afraid of the consequences of enforcing your boundaries around honesty, even though there aren't other values competing with honesty... .fear instead.

When you are conflicted like that, it can be hard to tell what you are stuck between, and figure out where your values really lie, and if you are acting toward them or not sometimes.

One general tip is that if you feel angry or resentful that is probably telling you that you failed to live up to your values. Note that it may not be telling you how you should have done it better--that is a different question, and often requires more examination, and analytical thinking. (It might be easier to sort out if you get more specific here)

[gotbushels]

I suspect that the original intention of that structure was to show that boundaries can be mental, emotional or physical.  For instance, a mental boundary might be around autonomy of beliefs, not taking on what someone else says or thinks without considering for yourself whether you believe it.  An emotional boundary might be not allowing someone to make you feel guilty for choosing not to help them (or limiting how you help).  And physical boundaries around touching and personal space (including deciding who you will allow to touch you a certain way, family, friends, lovers, medical professionals)

I think this might help you with your understanding of the connection between values and boundaries DearBFF.

I'd like to know if I'm understanding this correctly, and get some direction if I'm wrong so I can tackle this and feel like I have it sorted out.

So I have personal values of what I find important in life.  These may change over time, although some may stay the same, while others may have room for compromise to some extent.  Am I correct?

Yes.

Then I have boundaries which I come up with to protect my personal values from persons/things who/that would violate them.  Now as far as the three types of boundaries: mental, emotional, physical I'm a bit confused.

Is it that a personal value can be violated on one or possibly all 3 of those levels? 

Yes.

Is it that we need to come up with a boundary or multiple boundaries to protect us on all 3 of those levels?

Not necessarily. The point of a boundary is to stop someone treading on something that you've acknowledged is important to you. You can either put up a boundary before the threat of encroachment, or after. If you pre-emptively do it, as it seems that you're doing here for Honesty, your boundary can defend on any combination of all 3 levels. If you do it after the event, you shape it specifically to what the situation required. E.g., if Chastity is important to you, and you set your boundary at second base, then that would be a physical boundary. It would also serve to protect your emotions and something that's important to you. Therefore it can function as an emotional boundary too. This is in-line with what eeks said in the para I quoted above.

For instance, if I use honesty as an example for a value I want to create boundaries for:

Mentally would make me think me personally, am I right there?  So I guess I could simply make it a rule to not lie to myself.  Does that work?

Emotional makes me think being truthful about my feelings.  Correct?

Physical I guess would mean not doing something I find dishonest with my body/actions?  Right?

From what I understand, boundaries are for defending something that's important to you against an external thing. This is in-line with that Grey Kitty said in "You don't need to enforce boundaries to do either of these things for YOURSELF." I think boundaries from the resources mainly do talk about boundaries in this sense as you mentioned "creating boundaries for my values". It seems that you're trying to figure out a way to perform self-enforcement or self-discipline when there is no second party?

[DearBFF]

Thank you all bunches for the wonderful responses and information!   

You have given me so much to think about!  We are now in the process of moving, but I wanted to respond to let you know I really appreciate it.  I have tried making a list of further values, but not yet boundaries.  I need to understand it all better I think and sit with it a bit.  I'm going to finish moving and then get back to you all.

Thanks again! 

[valet]

Hey BFF, I think that in order to get into a place where you are *practicing* having firm boundaries you first need to learn how to be somewhat mindful of how you react in certain situations. What makes you angry? What makes you sad? What makes you happy? These are important questions that might help get the ball rolling on changing some old behavioral patterns.

The better you're able to handle yourself when feeling the more intense emotions the more time you have to use the thinking side of your brain—the part that says 'Oh wait, this is what I believe and I will act accordingly'. You gotta build up the buffer zone (your distress tolerance) by putting yourself in new and challenging situations. And again, you have to stay mindful!