Heredity

[sisbpd]

Hi everyone,

I am new here. My sister has a profound case of either BPD or NPD. When I spoke with an expert from Columbia University, she suggested NPD. My mom has what I consider to be a mild case of BPD. Initially I thought she might suffer from depression or bipolar disorder, but I am just thinking now it is a milder form of a personality disorder.

I certainly can have my issues at times with anxiety, but otherwise, I am lucky to say it appears I don't have a personality disorder, bipolar disorder, or major depression. I have been married to a wonderful man for nearly 6 years and have managed to slightly maintain my relationship with my sister and mostly maintain it with my mother with strict boundary-setting.

Here's my question. My childhood was difficult and I definitely have some residual effects of having lived with two people who have similar issues. I recently learned that up to 60% of the traits of BPD can be inherited and while some psychologists say there also must be some form of abuse (physical, sexual, or otherwise), some say that even a child in a stable household can grow up to have BPD. My husband and I are thinking of having kids and are terrified that our child will have BPD. His family has a couple of relatives with severe depression and addictive issues, and I have 2 first-degree relatives with BPD.

Does anyone know offhand what the actual risk factors for siblings of BPD are? I cannot find a genetic counselor to give me these answers. We have considered adoption or embryo adoption, but have been warned of significant psychiatric risks there. One person advised us that at least we know what we are dealing with here.

However, beyond what we will go through, I am worried about our child's quality of life. My sister will likely never be able to support herself. She has made so many attempts on her life, and has been hospitalized so many times (over 18 in-patient and outpatient more). She has had addictions to alcohol (still an addict), heroin, and cigarettes. She has done ecstacy, cocaine, popped prescription pills, abused ADHD medication, and other meds. She hasn't been able to hold down a job or have a meaningful, longterm relationship. She is  unhappy much of the time.

I just want my child to have a relatively well-adjusted life with some success. I am not saying he or she will be a rocket-scientist, but a modest amount of happiness and success is deserved by anyone.

[Kwamina]

Hi sisBPD and welcome to our online community

I understand your concerns about having children, given your experiences with your sister and the data that has been presented to you. Your sister's behavior unfortunately does sound quite extreme and I think it makes sense that you wouldn't want anything like that for your future child(ren).

The exact percentages might vary from study to study, but I think research does indicate that there are likely both genetic and environmental factors contributing to the development of BPD. Those two categories of factors might also interact with or reinforce each other. Certain people with a genetic predisposition might then only develop the disorder if certain environmental factors are also present. Yet even without any obvious environmental risk factors present, it seems that certain individuals might still develop this disorder.

Even if someone has BPD there are also other important factors that will determine that person's quality of life, such as the person's ability or willingness to acknowledge his/her problems and the person's willingness to commit to therapy. It is also so that not all cases of BPD are the same, you yourself for instance refer to your mother as a mild case whereas your sister seems to be a bit more extreme.

Though I understand your concerns, particularly since I'm also dealing with multiple disordered individuals in my family of origin (FOO), I think it might help you not to think too far ahead and focus more on the present moment. Having children is a big decision of course and thinking ahead makes sense then, yet still it might help to not only focus on the most 'catastrophic' scenario and also consider the other scenarios that could play out. No matter how things would turn out, I too believe that the fact you know about BPD gives you an advantage that you yourself didn't have when you were a child growing up with your disordered sister (and mother). When dealing with (potential) BPD, though it sounds a bit like a cliché, I truly feel that knowledge is power.

[sisbpd]

Hi,

Thank you for your reply. I think I tend to view a situation through the worst lens... .sometimes because I have spent so long caring for my mom and sister, "saving" them in situations, and problem-solving for my family. As far as the kids thing, I know there isn't an exact statistic... .but I also know that if I have a child, and they have BPD, I will not be able to forgive myself. I realize there are varying qualities of life and I know it couldn't have helped to have two people with the same disorder under the same roof either... .but I am also frustrated by the lack of support for someone as severe as her.

We were told that in our state there is only 1 inpatient facility with a BPD wing, and to get there she would have to be basically jailed first. She is very noncompliant, which doesn't help, but I also find she is so often medicated and muddled that I don't even know what her thought process could be.

A person from the local mental health association suggested that I have a child because I know what kind of issues they might have, vs. adoption- I wouldn't have any idea. But on some level, if I adopt a child and they end up with a mental health issue, I think my conscience will be more clear, as I will not have contributed to that on a genetic level. This isn't to say that I am judging anyone else's choices... .I just wish there were some test that could give me "license" to have a child without any reasonable worries about passing along something like this.

[Turkish]

Hi sisBPD 

I'm an adopted child. My mom got me when I was 2.5. Having hung out with other adoptive families, the concerns are valid. Due to attachment issues, and inborn biogenetic traits can't be ruled out, in adoption you get what you get.

A friend of mine adopted a child literally at birth. The mother was low functioning. Drugs, maybe a PD. Two years in, the boy was diagnosed as autistic. Doesn't matter. They love that boy to pieces, and he's a shining joy in their lives.

For years, I swore I'd never have biological children due to a physical genetic disability that I have. I never wanted to see my kids suffer as I did. With my uBPDx (the reason I first care here... .BPD mom came later), I had two biological children, now 6 and 4. They are the best.

If they find an in-vivo cure for my malady, and they might once D4 comesvf age, then all the better. If not, then the family will have a Little Turkish, he will be a joy, and I'll be able to guide the family on the Do's and Dont's to keep him safe... .which is something I never had.

The fact that you are aware of a great many things is the start of wisdom, no matter your choice. Despite the fact that I wouldn't change a thing (S6 and D4 wouldn't exist, after all), I rue the fact that I struggled (hid) for so many years. However, only we know whenit's time, and no one should pressure you into making choices you aren't ready to make... .even you shouldn't pressure you 

Turkish