Girlfriend is argumentative, controlling, cyclical

[beowuf14]

Hello,

This is my first time ever posting information about my situation on a forum. I once took to Reddit, but that was a mistake, as nearly everyone there simply told me to leave. Some even downed me, making oddball comments like "get your masculinity back," etc. That's not the goal I'm trying to accomplish. I love my girlfriend and who she is when she's practicing full mindfulness and displaying appropriate behavior. It's just the

So to start, here's the situation.

I have been with this girl for almost two years now and it's been quite a rollercoaster. At one point, we lived together because I was playing the "white knight" and wanted to remove her from her abusive home. What I didn't know was that I was endangering myself, as she only became abusive towards me and threw my whole world upside down. I have since moved back in with my parents, and she has moved back in with hers. The space has helped so we can each have time and space apart when things get nasty, but the cyclical arguments and fights are still there. I work full time and am planning on going to college spring of '17. She dropped out of high school many years ago and is currently attempting to obtain her GED (which has been a mess in itself), has been unemployed for over a year, and has so many issues that she can hardly even function in every-day life.

When I moved out, I ended the relationship entirely. Blocked her on everything, but she continued to persist and email me, and she attempted to contact me in every way possible once she realized I was truly done and not putting up with her behavior anymore. She wore down my defenses a bit, and I told her that if I was to ever get back with her, it would have to involve us going to therapy weekly. Well, at the time, that was fine and she accepted. We found a good therapist and things started to go a bit better. We felt more like a team, we had someone to moderate our disagreements, and she seemed to communicate in a more appropriate way. However, her mom lost her job after only a month or so of us going to the therapist, and her mom also lost insurance. So we could no longer go.

It's been a huge mess since then when we have issues. It slowly got worse and worse through time. Now, if I'm not careful and tiptoe with what words and phrases I use when we argue, I'm the bad person, and it makes things worse.

Right now, we're at a stand-off where she's making all these threats towards the relationship, acting like a huge victim, and being controlling.

Last night, we were playing video games together online and were also in a call. (Every night when i get off work, we do a voice call and play video games over Xbox Live.)

Well, my Xbox was having internet connectivity issues and I was really focused on reading a few articles online to see if I could troubleshoot it myself. When I'm really focused on something, I become tunnel-visioned, and usually tune out everything around me. If someone tries to talk to me while I'm like that, I get a little bothered. I told her I was looking stuff up and seeing what other people had to say about the issue. She started to ask, "Well, what are the other people saying?"

I said, "Just go ahead and do your own thing and relax for a bit. Go on Tumblr if you want. If I can't get this fixed in 10 minutes, I'll switch over to my other Xbox."

She didn't say anything.

A few minutes later, I asked her a question, and she didn't say anything.

I then said her name, raising the pitch of my voice at the end of it to signify an inquiry.

She said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I was just showing you what it's like to be ignored," with lots of attitude.

I then told her I was getting off the phone because I was a little bothered and that I'd call her back in a few minutes.

Anyway, in trying to talk to her about it, everything blew up. I told her that if she was bothered by something, I was sorry, but that I would have appreciated if she had just been plain and told me instead of trying to be snarky about it. She then tried to tell me that what I did was wrong and that she wasn't going to consider that she did anything wrong until I apologized. Well, it kept going, lots of arguing, she put up lots of attitude, and it ended with me being so tired at 5am that I simply had to turn my phone off to go to sleep.

To make things worse, I went out today and bought a small folding plastic table for my computer stuff to use in my room. I had previously been looking at computer desks online, but they cost so much money, and this was $30. it's black, small, and serves it's purpose. She has so far said this:

"Well thats disappointing. its going to make your room look even sloppier.  i dont approve. Another reason i dont like you. You are soo stingey

And you dont care about your room. Yes I am genuinely upset you got that table. You were looking at desks. And I feel its inappropriate that you went and got that and slipped again and wasted money. On something that looks like trash. Just tallies up more I cant deal with anymore. Id rather not be stuck in a room that's extremely disappointing and anxiety inducing anyways. I take high pride in the appearance of my environment."

I essentially told her that she's being controlling, my money is mine to spend how I want, and that I don't really care if she approves of it or not.

Anyway, she's not officially diagnosed BPD. She has been hospitalized twice, once was voluntarily and the other time was after the police were called on her because she was acting erratically. Any time I bring up BPD, she denies it entirely and tries to explain why it's impossible she has it, and also gets pissed at me.

So yeah, I'm feeling pretty depressed, and I have been for a while. Just want this relationship to feel normal, and I want to feel happy again.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

Hello beowuf,

You found a good place to get some answers to your questions as well as some tools to help you with the issues you face.

When I'm really focused on something, I become tunnel-visioned, and usually tune out everything around me. If someone tries to talk to me while I'm like that, I get a little bothered. I told her I was looking stuff up and seeing what other people had to say about the issue. She started to ask, "Well, what are the other people saying?"

I said, "Just go ahead and do your own thing and relax for a bit. Go on Tumblr if you want. If I can't get this fixed in 10 minutes, I'll switch over to my other Xbox."

She didn't say anything.

A few minutes later, I asked her a question, and she didn't say anything.

I then said her name, raising the pitch of my voice at the end of it to signify an inquiry.

She said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I was just showing you what it's like to be ignored," with lots of attitude.

I then told her I was getting off the phone because I was a little bothered and that I'd call her back in a few minutes.

I can totally relate to this.  When I am doing something it bothers me when someone doesn't have enough respect to let me finish and keeps impeding my progress.   My ex did this to me on numerous occasions where she would literally hang on me, being very affectionate, but when I was trying to do something (eat, work, ect... .).   When I would ask her to stop she would act like I was rejecting her, in a very child like manner.  This was certainly not the case but that is the way she took it.   In these cases I think she really needed to be treated like a child, with a firm but gentle and loving hand.

At times like these I believe it is critical to use proper validation, which I believe is something I failed to do at times, in fact I effectively did the opposite.   To that end I would recommend you check out some of the lessons and information on validation.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190

Leaning how to validate will help you in all your relationships and it is a tool that will serve you well throughout your life. 

[once removed]

the internet is full of, well, not the most mature advice. reddit is kind of legendary in that regard, from everything i gather. im sorry you had to wade through that nonsense, and im glad you found us

as i was reading, i saw the reaction to this coming:

I said, "Just go ahead and do your own thing and relax for a bit. Go on Tumblr if you want. If I can't get this fixed in 10 minutes, I'll switch over to my other Xbox."

people with BPD are highly perceptive, sometimes to the point of delusion when it comes to our body language, or our verbal language. i suspect she heard the probably unintended annoyance in your voice, and thats about all she heard, and thats what she reacted to. it happened to me too many times to count; im the same way. im very introverted and its jarring when another person expects me to leave my inner world, or ya know, otherwise break my concentration. i could usually sense that my partner was just demanding attention, and that caused me to distance myself even more and try to get her to self soothe, or at least learn to delay her gratification.

its a fine line between walking on eggshells (you dont want to do that) and thinking ahead in terms of what the consequences might be of your actions or reactions. you dont want to be preoccupied or constantly second guessing yourself. on the other hand, you want to choose and limit your battles. the communication techniques C. Stein shared are invaluable, and can help clarify the difference. sometimes you have to live your life, and if she reacts unpleasantly, it cant be helped.

it sounds like you have pretty good boundaries in that sense. you know your limits and are able to walk away from circular arguments when youre exhausted. you recognize your money is yours, and that you can spend it how you wish. good. thats invaluable too. it separates you from her and keeps you from taking things too personally, or exhausting yourself trying to change/please her. telling her you dont care if she approves is probably received as invalidating. you can communicate the message/boundary without necessarily adding those words. dont beat yourself up of course, i added those words and then some, expecting my partner to get it.

personally i dont recommend bringing up BPD. from her perspective, it is shaming and controlling. imagine a person insisting to you that the sky is green. now imagine them offering proof that the sky is, in fact, green. how would you react? maybe youd get around to accepting it. she has a belief system that makes that kind of acceptance very challenging, as she told you in the argument she wouldnt even consider that shed done anything wrong until you basically took all the blame. perhaps you could have owned "im sorry, i was kind of exasperated and it got the better of me. when i am focused on something it is very difficult for me to break my concentration." thats not a guarantee, just a suggestion.

it is very, very challenging, to resist the urge to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). it takes practice. it will go a very long way toward improving your relationship, helping to limit circular arguments, and give you a lot of breathing room.