Devasted Beyond Repair

[raytamtay3]

Devastated is an understatement.  I am destroyed, heartbroken, a basket case, a nervous wreck, etc.

DD’s court date was scheduled for yesterday at 8:30 am.  At approximately 3:00 am yesterday, I received a call from the police that they arrested DD.  The charge…possession of heroin…oh wait, it gets worse…

But with respect to the heroin, she had 8 bags on her.  Of course she contends that it was not hers and that she does not do that.  She was with her 22 year old (just found out her age) friend.

When I walked in to the police station they informed me that they had talked to my DD and how they know that her friend is a prostitute…my suspicions were confirmed….After some coercing, they managed to get out of DD (after promising her if she cooperated she would be allowed home on an ankle monitor) that DD was involved…but only on one occasion.  She told them that she would accompany her friend on her little “outings” and wait in the car as a look out while her friend did her business.  She admitted that just this past weekend, said friend ask her to join in and that DD only “did it once and felt disgusting and said she wasn’t ever going to do it again”.  I said to the detective, who looked like he believed her, “you are kidding me right.  I founds over $700 hidden in my daughter’s room. She is more involved than that”! He says, well they friend was paying her as a look out!  I said “um no, and then proceeded to tell him what had occurred back in November… He still didn’t seem convinced!  But he did say that they have been investigating said friend and that DD and friend have been motel hoping in the area where s@x tracking is prevalent.  How they want to get to her friend and are doing a major investigating.  The took DD’s phone and are trying to have it submitted to forensics, etc.

I was at the police department from 4:00 am – 10:00 am and met with CPS, a woman involved in helping victims of s@x tracking, detectives, police officers.  Then at 10:00 am, they transported DD over to the county court house for a hearing.  I was there from 10:30 am – 4:00 pm.  While I was waiting our county court house liaison called to find out what was going on.  I told her we were in the process of seeing a judge and I pleaded with her to call over to the court house we were at and to please tell them she is a flight risk and cannot come home.  Long story short, she is in detention pending a court date.  The court date was supposed to be today, but our lawyer has the flu and postponed to Monday.  So DD will remain in detention.

She called me last night (first time I had talked to her since last Wednesday) and said she needs help.  I said so you are ready to admit that you need help now? She said yes.  Then she begged me not to send her back to RTC.  I said that it’s ultimately up to the judge, but that her chances are up.  That yes, she does need help and it’s not something I can provide her with.  That she needs to go back.  She said how she didn’t want to die.  And I asked her what a she meant.  She said that if she has to go back, she will kill herself.  I said T, you being on the street is going to kill you anyway…

Today the detention liaison called me to go over visiting hours and what types of things are permitted there.  Then she said she was putting DD on.  I said I cannot talk to DD as I am at work.  I heard DD crying in the background. 

I cannot talk or visit DD.  My heart can no longer take it.  It’s time to step back.  I told her lawyer under no circumstances can DD come home.

Meanwhile, her friend has been texting me saying DD has $100 of hers and some of her clothes and she needs them.  Asked me to put them in a back out front.  I told her she can take that up with the cops when they visit her.

I fear for the safety of our entire household.  I am literally working on 3 hours sleep for the past two days. I had every light on inside and out, our bedroom door open and my son’s door open with my ears open fearful that these scumbags she is associating with are going to break in or worse.

My strength is gone.  My hands are shaking. I cannot see or talk to DD.  My heart wants to, but I know I cannot because she weakens me…

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi raytamtay3

There has been so much going on with your daughter, this really isn't easy for you as a mother to deal with.

As bad as things might seem right now, I hope these latest events might lead to her finally getting the help again that she clearly needs. Though she does not want to go back to the RTC, she clearly needs some help.

Dealing with this can really take its toll on you and being able to recognize when you've had enough and need to take a step back is very important. Taking good care of yourself is very important now otherwise you wouldn't even be able to help anyone else at all.

Wishing you strength and composure

Kwamina The Board Parrot

[Bright Day Mom]

I agree with previous post. This has been so overwhelming.

Do you think this is her "rock bottom"?  You know how people are always referring to rock bottom before any assistance can be successfully received and healing can occur.  The arrest may be a blessing in disguise and may very well have saved her life. Your D will be lucky if the atty is successful in returning her to RTC and hopefully clearing pending charges based on her mental capacity.  Your attys flu couldn't come at a better time, this way the delay isn't your fault nor something that anyone can change.  Let this time serve as a "cooling off" period for the whole family.

Brighter days are ahead.

[mggt]

Dear ray,  So sorry I cant imagine how you are still standing up ... .I hope the judge agrees to put her back in rtc hopefully she will be safe there and you can have some sleep and peace You are in my nightly prayers keep strong   

[Gorges]

I am reallyl, really sorry.  Drugs are just awful and you are not alone.  I think the way you are handling this well.  You are setting boundaries.  I think your response to her friend was very smart.  Do not get involved.

[Kate4queen]

I'm so sorry, Ray. You have been the most amazing mother to your daughter and have stood by her for so long that my heart goes out to you. Stay strong, let the cops and authorities know the whole truth and hopefully your DD will finally get that she needs help and that this time, you aren't going to be the one providing it.

[GaGrl]

Everyone needs to be made aware that your DD is threatening self-harm.

[raytamtay3]

Thanks everyone.  

The people involved with her all were informed of her self-harming plans.

CPS visited with us last night.  The purpose of their call deals with the human trafficking as well as my being investigated for  neglect because DD would take off for days and I didn't call to report her missing this time because we figured she was going to be put on probation at the court hearing and that was when we were going to resume calling the police as it would actually do something (bench warrant). The fact that we kept in touch via text is helping however as it shows I was keeping contact with her at all times. The times we had called before, they would locate her, bring her home, leave, and then she would leave again.  But I now know it's a matter of protecting myself now too.

The interviewee appears on my side though and when I asked if my son would be taken away from me, she assured he would not.  That DD may be though because she is a threat to my son who lives with me.  She said the question will be if it will be to state custody or to an RTC.  I'm ok with either choice at this point. I just don't want to lose me son.  :'(

[Rockieplace]

Oh dear Ray, my heart goes out to you. I'm afraid I haven't anything useful to add except to say that I'm sure I am not alone on here in feeling so sorry that you are going through this awful stuff and just hope that something positive comes out of this crisis for both you and your d.  Lots and lots of hugs.

[Lollypop]

Oh Ray

My heart goes out to all of you. What a terrible situation and the realisation that we are powerless is very difficult to handle. i found it to be such such a relief in a way; when I understood that there was very little that I could do. I found it very difficult to think calmly and straight when I was reeling but I found a calm came as I surrendered and I was able to go into neutral gear. I've nothing offer you but just say I'm thinking about you and your family and hope that your daughter realises and this is a start of real change in her life. Stay strong and look after yourself and son

L

[raytamtay3]

Thanks everyone. It's just so unbelievable.  I still cannot believe how it's gotten so bad.  But like the CPS lady who came out said, we will never be able to understand why those with mental problems do what they do.  She told me about her DD who has ADHD and all the struggles she had just with that and how she couldn't even imagine the hell we've been through.

It's just so very sad and heartbreaking.  I just pray that some day something will give and my DD will come out of all of this ok.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Ray - I'm so glad your CPs lady was able to understand and empathise how devastating this is for you, your dd and your family.  I found when my daughter wanted to hit rock bottom, I had to allow her to fall, for me it was the beginning of her future to want to crawl out and take on responsibility to  recover. It's scary to allow that to happen, then again for us it has worked so far. 

Sending you my strength during this very exhausting time. It can get better. WDx

[infiniteeyes]

Dear Ray I really have nothing to add but just wanted to chime in and say my thoughts and prayers are with you and your DD I hope you and the rest of your family find the strength to get through this terrible ordeal. How scary for you to find out your DD was in possession of heroin. Like others have said I really do believe everything is happening for a reason and that when this cloud passes over (as it will) that you can find some peace. God knows you deserve it after all you have been through.

My DD was put in the care of the state after there seemed no other possible route to go down. At first I was very dubious about this but it has worked out well and the staff in her unit are doing an incredible job with her.

Perhaps this is your DD's own way of getting the help she so desperately needs. As your CPS lady said, we can never predict how our loved ones with BPD are thinking. keep in touch

[raytamtay3]

DD has been ordered to have an evaluation.  The person who is doing it called me to get some information.  She was flabbergasted.  She said just based off of what I told her, she's recommending out of home placement. 

[raytamtay3]

While this is way off topic - it just puts the icing on good news thus far today. And I love all of you guys and feel like you are a part of my life now, so I wanted to share.

I got my performance review (I'm a senior paralegal).  I received a rating of "exceeds expectations".  That sure made me feel good.  Could the stars be aligning now? Could a good and positive cycle be beginning? God I hope so.  

[raytamtay3]

DD just called me crying again.  Now she's saying they diagnosed her with PTSD from being in an RTC.  Said how the girl she was hanging with brain washed her and how she's pressing charges on her.  It still amazes me how they can manipulate and basically start to believe their own lies. 

DD hears things like how she's a victim and runs with it.  Now she's told she has PTSD and is running with that.  All in an effort to manipulate me.  "I just want to come home and sleep in my own bed and be with you".  "I will quit smoking weed and even cigarettes".  "I will go to therapy and school. Promises the moon".  Only this time, I'm not falling for it.

I just told her I know she's scared when she told me she was.  I told her that she will get through this and it may finally be a turning point for her to get her life on track.  Of course she doesn't want to hear that. She wants out.  She said she forgot how bad these places were.  I said I thought that she would do everything in her power to not put herself in a position to have to go back.  The girl is to blame.  Before she came in to the picture she was doing good she says.  If you all remember, back in November, before this girl came about, a large sum of money was put in to her account and she claimed another friend asked to use her account to because "she's pregnant by a guy who she really shouldn't be pregnant by sent it to her for an abortion and as hush money" and was giving my DD a couple hundred to do it for her.  And then how I heard her on the phone to the other girl she was hanging with at that time saying how "he asked how much allowance it would cost just to meet me".  So she is full of crap!

[landslide]

I am terribly saddened to read what you are going through and can easily imagine my own daughter ending up in the same situation.  I hope the systems involved do the right things for your daughter and now you can rest in some ways while she is in care and nurture yourself and your son. 

[Bpd mother]

I don't have any real advice but just want to say I have added you to my prayers

[bpdmom1]

Thank you for sharing.  We are struggling with our daughter begging us to remove her from the RTC.  Your post gives me strength not to fall for her manipulation.

[Gorges]

very sorry... .hang in there

[jellibeans]

Ray

I am sorry you are going throught all. I want you to believe that things will get better. I truly believe that her arrest is a blessing. NOw she is forced to deal with the consequences of her choices but more than anything Ray I want to you put away the anger. Your dd is sick and has an illness. Try to look at it that way. I know if can be heartbreaking and there are times you will be angry but I do believe you have to reamil hopeful. It is so important to hang on to that even when things seem so dark.

Dealing with an addict is hard and I hope you can find some time to read a bit on the subject. there is a book that I loved called "Recovering our Kids" by Dr Lee. He heads up the the dual dx rehab in MN Hazelton Betty Ford clinic. My daughter was lucky enough to stay there and they had a wonderful family program that helped us all. I really think your dd needs help and I hope she gets it. If you can get her to hazelton I know she would benefit from the resources there. Then they can suggest what to do after that be it RTC or sober living.

Please let us know what is happening. Is there a RTC you are looking into for her?

Hang in there... .things are dark now but rest while you can and try and take care of yourself

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

Hi all. We had court today, and DD was ordered to a shelter pending an evaluation and then out of home placement. I'm very relieved and as of this afternoon, DD is accepting it.

[jellibeans]

Ray

I am not sure I understand your post. Can you explain a bit more? 

[raytamtay3]

It was court ordered that DD go from the detention center to a shelter.  At the shelter a drug and behavior evaluation is going to done.  I already spoke to the person who is going to be conducting it, and she said based on the information I provided alone, she is going to recommend facilities for DD to go to for treatment.  So after the shelter, DD will be placed in some sort of inpatient facility.  Sorry I wasn't clear.  Typed that from my phone last night.

[jellibeans]

That is great news Ray... .so happy to hear things are going in the right direction. Try to rest while you can. Do something for yourself today.

[raytamtay3]

The shelter DD is at is 25 minutes from our house.  They have visiting hours for two hours (6:00 pm - 8:00) 4 times a week.  How can I gently explain to DD that I won't be able to come every visiting day without making her feel abandoned other than saying she put herself in this position again - which I won't?  

[jellibeans]

I think somethings don't need explaining. When you visit I think that is the time to tell her when you will be back again to see her. If you have an obligation I would simply tell her. I don't think you need to point out that she has put herself in a tough spot. I would try to remain neutral... .don't show anger... .show more empathy.

[raytamtay3]

Good plan - thanks.

It was cool having so many people in court with us - CPS, her case manager and someone from a place called Dream Catchers for victims of tracking.  The only person I did not want there - her father.  He showed up.  Now mind you, he has not bothered with her since she came home from RTC.  He screamed at her on the phone when she was at the police station and called her a loser, high school dropout, wh@re, etc.!  He and she are alike in that they will call you every name in the book and then expect you to just forget it every happened and move on without apology.  I'm not wired that way... .  Yet he shows up to court as this night in shining armour.  It was disgusting.  :)H was so angry.  Thankfully the ex was smart enough not to interfere.  He did however get the business cards of all the aforementioned including our lawyer.  I am so afraid he is going to somehow sabotage things. Last time DD played both sides of the fence and he would tell her everything I said to him - I've since learned better.

She said she wants him to have some information because she doesn't feel like hearing him yelling and complaining to her like he did when I wouldn't answer him when he asked when the court date was (via text).  It's just frustrating.  Yet I feel like a b*tch not including him.  The man still gets in my head to this day! As soon as I saw his car, I started shaking. When DD was at the RTC last time, he had her thinking she could come home to his place because he doesn't come straight out and tell her no.  So she believed she could up until the end.  

Just venting here.  I just hate this crap.  I still cannot believe we are back to square one. Ugh.

PS:  I'm very curious to see if DD will try and run from the shelter.  I just have a hunch that should she be able to get a hold of a phone, she will call her "friends" and have them come get her and take off.

Anyway,

[jellibeans]

sadly Ray that is exctly what I was thinking too... .she is a flight risk. My dd the same way... .flight or fight.

[raytamtay3]

We have three organizations involved in DD case.  1 is the place called Dreamchasers which specializes in victims of human trafficking who have an in-patient community based group homes that are an alternative to residential treatment for youth who exhibit intense and complex behaviors, which may be the result of trauma, abuse and psychiatric disorders.  Then we have CPS who said that DD could go to a foster home.  No on that one.  Then we have our CMO who we've used in the past to get DD into a residential treatment program, with the only option being her going back to the one she was previously at.  But they also have on that is an in-patient drug program where a component is her have out-patient through them at a mental health facility.

I don't know which to choose!