I'm not a piano prodigy, other than that I'm not sure who I am

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I had this dream last night that I was a piano prodigy. (The only two songs I can actually play are "Mary Had a Little Lamb" and "Kumbaya" In my dream, I was putting on a concert in baggy jeans and a sweatshirt. I was thinking to myself "I should probably put on a dress".

I had no control over what music was coming off my fingers. To ME, I was playing nothing, just throwing my fingers onto the keys. Like when you're a kid and you just pretend to know what you're doing. To everyone else it was breathtaking music. They were crying. My brother [randomly] showed up and tried to say it was good but it was a half-hearted "that's good". Other people were falling over themselves with the wonder I was producing.

Carl Jung could probably have a field day with that one.

To me, I think I'm embarking on an about-to-be-an-empty-nester-midlife-crisis-is-approaching time in my life. I'm 38 and have been living a life where I am defined solely by my role to other people (mother, wife, employee). I'm coming to grips that as special as I think I am, I'm not special at all. I'm so unbelievably average and living an average life... .and feel lost.

I think that's what my dream is reflecting. Everyone looks to me but no one really knows me... .

Because I have no clue who I am either really.

Then I think I just need a goal.

My girlfriend asked me "what did you love as a kid?" My knee-jerk response was "stickers".

She told me to start scrapbooking.

No, I do not want to scrapbook. I look at that and think how much that would take my ADHD and spiral it into 27 books started and 477 stickers sitting in a basket right next to another basket of pictures. I most likely feel that way because that's exactly what happened when I took on that particular endeavor.

And wouldn't life be so simply amazing if I could take a passion that I had as a 6 year old and conjure that up into such a simple solution. Scrapbook, DreamGirl, and the very affliction to you feeling like you have no purpose will be resolved.

The same friend, in the same circle, told me to volunteer... .I could scrapbook with seniors!

I agree volunteering is a good idea when anyone is feeling sorry for themselves. But I have two jobs and it sounds like more work. I also don't know if I'm trying to feel important... .as much as I just want to feel purpose. I know that it sounds the same in definition --- but it's so absolutely different to me right now.

And I'm finding a theme in my being frustrated in that I don't want to live and have purpose for others as much as I just want to feel passion for something.

Last year, I wanted to climb a mountain (a Level 2 14er) . So I did. I hired a personal trainer and strenuously trained 4-6 times a week. It gave me focus and accomplishment for no one other than myself. And then my husband jumped on board and joined the group I was training with and how they all loved him (and I write this through tears because it ties so much into how I'm feeling right now) and it became his great accomplishment because my husband is so athletic and excelled so much that I soon felt like a weighted ball that was dragging him back. It felt like failure.

And now it's  his passion to scale mountains at his pace and run Spartan races (to win) in groups with women who are faster then me. I'm proud of him. I'm just more of a wanderer. I hike mountains to inhale the beauty, not to make it in x-amount of time... .

I am feeling really, really down about this. So much that I'm dreaming weird dreams.

I'm daydreaming of being an FBI agent (only because it's the audio book I'm listening to) who skydives into remote areas of the world to capture a jewel thief.

I just need perspective in this... .

[DreamGirl]

I had this dream last night that I was a piano prodigy. (The only two songs I can actually play are "Mary Had a Little Lamb" and "Kumbaya" In my dream, I was putting on a concert in baggy jeans and a sweatshirt. I was thinking to myself "I should probably put on a dress".

I had no control over what music was coming off my fingers. To ME, I was playing nothing, just throwing my fingers onto the keys. Like when you're a kid and you just pretend to know what you're doing. To everyone else it was breathtaking music. They were crying. My brother [randomly] showed up and tried to say it was good but it was a half-hearted "that's good". Other people were falling over themselves with the wonder I was producing.

Carl Jung could probably have a field day with that one.

To me, I think I'm embarking on an about-to-be-an-empty-nester-midlife-crisis-is-approaching time in my life. I'm 38 and have been living a life where I am defined solely by my role to other people (mother, wife, employee). I'm coming to grips that as special as I think I am, I'm not special at all. I'm so unbelievably average and living an average life... .and feel lost.

I think that's what my dream is reflecting. Everyone looks to me but no one really knows me... .

Because I have no clue who I am either really.

Then I think I just need a goal.

My girlfriend asked me "what did you love as a kid?" My knee-jerk response was "stickers".

She told me to start scrapbooking.

No, I do not want to scrapbook. I look at that and think how much that would take my ADHD and spiral it into 27 books started and 477 stickers sitting in a basket right next to another basket of pictures. I most likely feel that way because that's exactly what happened when I took on that particular endeavor.

And wouldn't life be so simply amazing if I could take a passion that I had as a 6 year old and conjure that up into such a simple solution. Scrapbook, DreamGirl, and the very affliction to you feeling like you have no purpose will be resolved.

The same friend, in the same circle, told me to volunteer... .I could scrapbook with seniors!

I agree volunteering is a good idea when anyone is feeling sorry for themselves. But I have two jobs and it sounds like more work. I also don't know if I'm trying to feel important... .as much as I just want to feel purpose. I know that it sounds the same in definition --- but it's so absolutely different to me right now.

And I'm finding a theme in my being frustrated in that I don't want to live and have purpose for others as much as I just want to feel passion for something.

Last year, I wanted to climb a mountain (a Level 2 14er) . So I did. I hired a personal trainer and strenuously trained 4-6 times a week. It gave me focus and accomplishment for no one other than myself. And then my husband jumped on board and joined the group I was training with and how they all loved him (and I write this through tears because it ties so much into how I'm feeling right now) and it became his great accomplishment because my husband is so athletic and excelled so much that I soon felt like a weighted ball that was dragging him back. It felt like failure.

And now it's  his passion to scale mountains at his pace and run Spartan races (to win) in groups with women who are faster then me. I'm proud of him. I'm just more of a wanderer. I hike mountains to inhale the beauty, not to make it in x-amount of time... .

I am feeling really, really down about this. So much that I'm dreaming weird dreams.

I'm daydreaming of being an FBI agent (only because it's the audio book I'm listening to) who skydives into remote areas of the world to capture a jewel thief.

I just need perspective in this... .

[Lifewriter16]

Hi DreamGirl.

This is a very random guess but did one or other of your parents tend to smother you by taking over the things you were doing? If so, did it become too painful to want something because it was always taken away from you?

Lifewriter  x

[Kwamina]

Hi DreamGirl

I'm coming to grips that as special as I think I am, I'm not special at all. I'm so unbelievably average and living an average life... .and feel lost.

This belief might be at the heart of what you are going through. Why do you feel that you aren't special at all and ar 'unbelievably' average? Is this a negative message you might have gotten from someone and then internalized?

Can you identify any other periods of your life in which you noticed this kind of negative self-talk going on in your head?

I think that's what my dream is reflecting. Everyone looks to me but no one really knows me... .

Because I have no clue who I am either really.

When you say everyone looks to you, do you mean that everyone looks to you for support or advice, basically for how you can help the other person? You also mention in your post that you feel your life has been defined solely by your role to other people. Do/did you deep inside perhaps have the belief that your worth is solely determined by what you do for others? Was this way of thinking perhaps something you were taught?

I also don't know if I'm trying to feel important... .as much as I just want to feel purpose. I know that it sounds that same in definition --- but it's so absolutely different to me right now.

I too think 'feeling important' and 'feeling purpose' are two different things. Feeling important can easily turn into feeling important in the eyes of others, but feeling purpose is more about feeling that you belong and are an integral part of things and about finding something you are really passionate about and want to commit to.

Last year, I wanted to climb a mountain (a Level 2 14er) . So I did. I hired a personal trainer and strenuously trained 4-6 times a week. It gave me focus and accomplishment for no one other than myself. And then my husband jumped on board and joined the group I was training with and how they all loved him (and I write this through tears because it ties so much into how I'm feeling right now) and it became his great accomplishment because my husband is so athletic and excelled so much that I soon felt like a weighted ball that was dragging him back. It felt like failure.

And now it's  his passion to scale mountains at his pace and run Spartan races (to win) in groups with women who are faster then me. I'm proud of him. I'm just more of a wanderer. I hike mountains to inhale the beauty, not to make it in x-amount of time... .

I am feeling really, really down about this. So much that I'm dreaming weird dreams.

Could it perhaps be that you only feel special when you absolutely excel at something and are better than everyone else? Do you perhaps feel that you along the way have internalized the belief that you should be perfect in all areas of life? Would you say perfectionism is something you struggle with?

The Board Parrot

[DreamGirl]

Hi DreamGirl.

This is a very random guess but did one or other of your parents tend to smother you by taking over the things you were doing? If so, did it become too painful to want something because it was always taken away from you?

Lifewriter  x

No - I think I do understand the guess though. (Although, I really need to check myself as a mama to not take over for my children!)

This belief might be at the heart of what you are going through. Why do you feel that you aren't special at all and ar 'unbelievably' average? Is this a negative message you might have gotten from someone and then internalized?

Can you identify any other periods of your life in which you noticed this kind of negative self-talk going on in your head?

My dad had narcissistic traits (and who am I kidding, so do I). My dad was such a hypocrite in so many facets --- but he definitely ingrained in how your above average intelligence/specialness/accomplishments aligned to your importance in life.

So I'm sure I can see how that ties with how I'm feeling.

I was trying to convey that I am average -- not that average isn't perfectly OK -- except that I'm my husband's only wife, my children's only mother, and my office's only office manager. Does what I am make me who I am? I think it does, but right now it feels those roles are simply what I do.  

When you say everyone looks to you, do you mean that everyone looks to you for support or advice, basically for how you can help the other person? You also mention in your post that you feel your life has been defined solely by your role to other people. Do/did you deep inside perhaps have the belief that your worth is solely determined by what you do for others? Was this way of thinking perhaps something you were taught?

I do think that in many ways I align helping others with feeling good about myself. It's partly because I do care. It's validation. It's also partly being a know-it-all.  

I think it's how the average "empty nester" feels sometimes. (without purpose)

And your average ADHD-er. (lost)

And your average survived-a-less-then-stellar-childhood. (less-than)

It's also about when I'm focused on others, I don't have to focus on myself.  

Could it perhaps be that you only feel special when you absolutely excel at something and are better than everyone else? Do you perhaps feel that you along the way have internalized the belief that you should be perfect in all areas of life? Would you say perfectionism is something you struggle with?

Perfectionism is not something I struggle with exactly. I do have a high rate (though) of feeling like I'm failing all the time (because I do fail a lot). I'm rarely on time. I forget a lot. I'm scatter brained and basically navigating through life in a lot of ups, downs, and zig-zagging.  

Again, I'm ADHD. It's not an excuse, it's just a statement.

I don't need to be the best, but I just strive to be part of the best. My dad was the epitome of this idea, so much that he lowered the standards (and the people) around him so that he was the best.

I do think it's part of it, just not necessarily the core... .

I do hate failure.

[Kwamina]

I was trying to convey that I am average -- not that average isn't perfectly OK -- except that I'm my husband's only wife, my children's only mother, and my office's only office manager. Does what I am make me who I am? I think it does, but right now it feels those roles are simply what I do.

But who determines if someone is average or not? Isn't this just an abstract label that doesn't really describe who you really are at all?

I think not only what you do defines you but more importantly how you do the things you do. There are many other wives, mothers and office managers so in that sense you could say you are average. But the way you fulfill these 'average' roles can still be above average. I also think that who you really are shines through in how you do the things you do. Many people can do certain things yet the way you do it can still be different and indeed special.

It's also about when I'm focused on others, I don't have to focus on myself.  

Do you perhaps feel that for a long time you've been deliberately trying not to focus on yourself and not to look at yourself? If so, why do you think that is? Could it perhaps be the fear of having to see yourself as 'average'?

Perfectionism is not something I struggle with exactly. I do have a high rate (though) of feeling like I'm failing all the time (because I do fail a lot). I'm rarely on time. I forget a lot. I'm scatter brained and basically navigating through life in a lot of ups, downs, and zig-zagging.

Do you think it is ok for you to 'fail' or make mistakes? If someone else did the things you did, would you then also consider them failures and mistakes?

I do hate failure.

Perhaps it helps to explore what you define as 'failure'. You mention failing a lot, one of the examples you give is that you are rarely on time. Not being on time might be considered a mistake by some, but do you perhaps feel that making a mistake makes you a failure too? I think this concept of failure is tied into the idea that the things you do define you. So when you make a mistake or don't do something perfectly, that would then reflect back upon you signaling that you yourself are a failure. Do you think that this might be a factor in what you are going through now? The fusion (or perhaps confusion) of what you do with who you are?

Can you separate what you do from who you are or do you feel that they are the same thing? Can you see a DreamGirl separate from the acts of DreamGirl?

Board Parrot in question mode

[eeks]

I had this dream last night that I was a piano prodigy. (The only two songs I can actually play are "Mary Had a Little Lamb" and "Kumbaya" In my dream, I was putting on a concert in baggy jeans and a sweatshirt. I was thinking to myself "I should probably put on a dress".

I had no control over what music was coming off my fingers. To ME, I was playing nothing, just throwing my fingers onto the keys. Like when you're a kid and you just pretend to know what you're doing. To everyone else it was breathtaking music. They were crying. My brother [randomly] showed up and tried to say it was good but it was a half-hearted "that's good". Other people were falling over themselves with the wonder I was producing.

Hi DreamGirl,

The theme of this dream sounds like an expression of an innate ability, that feels like "throwing your fingers onto the keys" to you, because it does not fit your idea of what is required to develop an ability that is a gift to others (practice, discipline?) or the role/image that you think you need to put on to perform for others - you were in a sweatshirt and jeans, again, no effort, and saying to yourself "I should put on a dress".

And it's significant to me that the audience was so impacted that they were crying, but your brother (biological family)'s praise was half-hearted.  So I don't know if your brother in this dream actually represents "your brother", but it suggests to me that you have some natural gifts, and yet there are familial/past influences that you've taken on, about how to value (or not) those gifts.

However, I've read about dream interpretation to remember that person B's interpretation of person A's dream is always about B not A, so take the above for whatever it's worth

eeks

[Grey Kitty]

When you put it that way, I find myself feeling simultaneously in better and worse shape than you are in, as far as it goes with the question "OH my god, what do I want to do with my life when I grow up?"

To me, I think I'm embarking on an about-to-be-an-empty-nester-midlife-crisis-is-approaching time in my life. I'm 38 and have been living a life where I am defined solely by my role to other people (mother, wife, employee). I'm coming to grips that as special as I think I am, I'm not special at all. I'm so unbelievably average and living an average life... .and feel lost.

I've got a decade on you. Or I could say I've got a decade less remaining to figure out what I'm going to do.

I'm well above average in quite a few ways. I'm below average in some others. And generally, whatever I do, I feel like most people are noticeably MORE THAN or LESS THAN I am. I've never climbed a mountain; I've not run as much as a mile in probably 30 years, and would have to train a lot to do it. I know people who run half-marathons, ultra-marathons, or climb level-2 14k mountains (whatever level-2 means!). I also know people who can are so out of shape that they can hardly walk or ride a bicycle, and I can walk for 5-6 miles easily just for fun without any particular training or even feeling sore after. Or if I did much farther on a bicycle, the only part of me sore would be my butt!

For better or worse, my life is actually very far from average these days. I live on a sailboat, have re-built most of it, have been retired from paying work for a decade. I could make a long list of the accomplishments and some incredible skills I've honed during this time.

And I too feel utterly lost and like a failure.

The whole idea of sailing across oceans or around the world was a dream that my wife started, one that I picked up and that we were going to do together. (Building or re-building a sailboat was never something she dreamed of, but I did.) I remember crying when I did give up the dream of building our sailboat with our hands (my hands), and decided to buy one instead. I felt like it was the only dream that was MINE instead of HERS that I'd even thought of, and I was giving up on it. I ended up with the sailboat in our split, but my dream of sailing was never to do it solo. Yet I've lived aboard solo for a year and a half now.

I've struggled to do and finish the many projects so I can go off sailing the way I want to. I get stuck in indecision and procrastination. Spend a week unable to start on the important critical path project, and not doing much else. (I finally got to a big project Saturday and Sunday... .and don't have much of anything to show for my time Monday onward, and it is Thursday mid-morning, and I'm posting here instead of sewing or fitting my sails right now.

If I had a different sort of motivation, I could have sailed across the Atlantic between one and four years ago. Those times have come and gone. So has my hope of sailing in the open ocean this spring; I'm not ready for it, and the season is upon me. I do feel like a failure. (Doesn't help that this is an area my stbexw criticized me relentlessly on, and some part of me still believes it.)

... .all I can say for you is that I feel for you in your desire to have that sort of compelling life goal (which isn't scrapbooking!)... .and however external appearances look, I'm not in a position to tell you how it feels when you do have manage it. 

[Grey Kitty]

I guess the one helpful thought I have is a quote attributed to the Buddha:

In comparison lies madness

If you try to compare yourself to me, your husband, Martha Stewart, or anybody else, you can find ways to get lost in feeling either superior or inferior... .and it will drive you nuts if you let your mind get stuck there!

That is a warning sign telling you where not to go; it doesn't help you find a good direction. (Let me know if you do find it!)

[DreamGirl]

You do have a lot of questions!  

I've done trauma therapy, CBT, EMDR, and so forth ---- so I know that talking it out is part of it.

A lot of the questions you ask are questions I've been asked before. I think that's part of what I'm saying. I can identify some of the thought processes (from being ADHD, childhood trauma, midlife crisis). It's more about... .OK, now what are you going to do about it?

Do you perhaps feel that for a long time you've been deliberately trying not to focus on yourself and not to look at yourself? If so, why do you think that is? Could it perhaps be the fear of having to see yourself as 'average'?

I don't mind being average. I mean that. I don't need to make more money or have more recognition... .I don't even possess the histrionic tendency to want to be the center of attention.

I just want something more then the "ants go marching one by one" rut I'm finding myself in right now.

Do you think it is ok for you to 'fail' or make mistakes? If someone else did the things you did, would you then also consider them failures and mistakes?

I do also self-sabotage to an extent -- if I'm not good at something, I tend not to pursue it. I don't even see that necessarily as a failure in that I'd rather do something I'm more naturally talented at and just get better. I mean I can't carry a tune so why would I try to sing? Some people passionately feel different about that outlook, I just don't really see myself attempting something that I don't have at least a low level of talent for. (Like climbing a mountain -- I have a decent level of endurance and tolerance for pain, the rest is just strength and conditioning).  

I also know fundamentally making a mistake is OK, but again (ADHDer!) there is a lot of disorganization, forgetfulness, missed deadlines, etc. going on in my life. There is a lot of effort being made where it's pretty effortless to others. Time management is a real headache for me and my follow through is to be desired. I also do navigate through the long ingrained negative self-talk. So taking on an endeavor that would constitute a high level of failure isn't worth the feelings that would inevitably be involved. So I guess I see where there is much I can do to have success at and leave the other endeavors to others.

Being part of the ADHD tribe, we tend to start projects with a passion [and fire]... .but then get bored.

So maybe I'm just bored?

Can you separate what you do from who you are or do you feel that they are the same thing? Can you see a DreamGirl separate from the acts of DreamGirl?

This a good way to look at it. Am I what I feel?

I don't know.

I try to see a lot of a lot of this as my doing the very best I can with what I've got. Right now, maybe I just feel like I should be doing more.

[Kwamina]

I do also self-sabotage to an extent -- if I'm not good at something, I tend not to pursue it. I don't even see that necessarily as a failure in that I'd rather do something I'm more naturally talented at and just get better. I mean I can't carry a tune so why would I try to sing? Some people passionately feel different about that outlook, I just don't really see myself attempting something that I don't have at least a low level of talent for.  

... .

So taking on an endeavor that would constitute a high level of failure isn't worth the feelings that would inevitably be involved. So I guess I see where there is much I can do to have success at and leave the other endeavors to others.

In your initial post you talked about purpose and wanting to feel purpose. Could part of the problem perhaps be that you are only choosing to do things which you know you will succeed in? Do you then really enjoy any success you have or do you perhaps feel more like it doesn't really mean anything because you should have succeeded?

When I consider your dream I see someone who is extremely gifted, greatly admired for that gift by others yet unable to truly enjoy her gift. Why? Quite possibly because the person in the dream feels undeserving of all that praise because she feels she isn't really doing something special. She's doing what she's good at and naturally talented at so to her it really doesn't feel like anything special. Is this perhaps how you feel in real life? Can you appreciate the reward and truly accept praise if you already knew for certain that you would be able to achieve this? Does it then still feel to you like you really achieved something or more like 'I didn't fail at something I shouldn't fail at'?

The safety of the well traveled road vs. the potential risks and uncertainty of the less traveled one. Risk and uncertainty or thrill and excitement, two different ways of looking at the same thing. Finding something challenging can often also be very motivating. The uncertainty of the outcome, not knowing whether you will succeed or not can be exciting but also frightening. Perhaps you could try a little thing that you believe you don't have talent for and observe all your thoughts and feelings as you plan to do it and then actually do it. Also observe how you feel and what goes through your mind afterwards, how does that sound to you?

The reward and perhaps even a sense of purpose can I think often also come from the process even if you don't have an outcome that you deem a 'success' or don't know what the outcome will be. However, what you learn in the process, regardless of the outcome, can also be a success.

What is success and what is failure? If you stumble and fall, is that failure? But what if you get back up again, is that then still failure? And what if you try again knowing very well what happened the last time, is that then still failure? What if you try and try but never reach the desired outcome, but just keep trying and trying anyway, is that then still failure? What if you don't know if you'll ever be able to reach the desired outcomes, yet still keep trying anyway, is that failure? (I can keep going on and on like this for a long time you know... .I'm a parrot! )