Living with an active volcano

[Parents! Get help here!]

Here is what happened yesterday.

My d37 went out with her younger son to take a long walk because, she said, she needs the exercise. Older son, 12, stayed home to skype home schooling with his father. I was trying to clean the untidy house and had to walk back and forth through the living room where he was working. He had his papers strewn all over the floor, making it impossible for me to walk thru without difficulty. As he has done this before, I asked him with a bit of a tone to gather them up, that it was too difficult for me to walk thru. He didn't do it. I asked him again. Didn't do it. I knew he hadn't eaten dinner and had offered to bring him a tray earlier. He then said he would like that so I brought him his dinner on a tray. He works hard when he works. I did tell him again to pick up the papers, told him that it's wrong to strew the living room, that in the combined 50+ years of my family of origin's school years, we never once strew the living room with our papers. I told him this to give him an example of how a family can live, as opposed to the dysfunctional argumentative way his m&f run their home. When I went in a little later and saw him with the tray on the floor among the strewn papers, I calmly picked up the half eaten dinner and said he could finish when he picked up the papers. I put it in the kitchen. Short time later, he's in the kitchen and d comes home. Instant furious blow-up. I insulted her child and now needed to be bombarded with her wrath and rage. According to her, she can never go anywhere, must stay with her children at all times because I am so horrible. I said 'nothing happened. you don't need to go into a rage.' She said he said that he doesn't ever want to be left with me again.

So now we have the kids being manipulative and dysfunctional. No surprise, but truly heartbreaking. They have been so smart and sensible until recently. I  know that 1, he didn't like it that younger boy went with beloved mama, and later realized that 2, he had a problem with his homework. Anyway, ugly fury and rage continued until at least 1 am, and she's back at me this morning. According to her, I have the quality of creating rage in others. How am I going to fix this, she asks.

IMHO, she desperately needs to fight with me and rage, and however I respond to her she will find an excuse to do it. She is like an active volcano that must erupt over and over and over until the burning pain inside her is healed. Validating her is just postponing the eruption. I do validate her, often. I have changed my behavior towards her. But she is getting worse because of the mental problem she has. All stress makes her worse, and many of the things she does cause more stress. It's a vicious cycle. Maybe she was starving when she came home from the very long walk that she's not used to. She doesn't monitor these things. She erupts.

I always carry the feeling that I have done something wrong. I ignore her raving much more than I used to and now fear that that is not right either. The boys must see that as accepting it. I feel that I'm in a very no win situation. I haven't slept a full night in weeks and have chronic heartburn.

Thanks for any feedback.

Glenna

[Glenna]

Here is what happened yesterday.

My d37 went out with her younger son to take a long walk because, she said, she needs the exercise. Older son, 12, stayed home to skype home schooling with his father. I was trying to clean the untidy house and had to walk back and forth through the living room where he was working. He had his papers strewn all over the floor, making it impossible for me to walk thru without difficulty. As he has done this before, I asked him with a bit of a tone to gather them up, that it was too difficult for me to walk thru. He didn't do it. I asked him again. Didn't do it. I knew he hadn't eaten dinner and had offered to bring him a tray earlier. He then said he would like that so I brought him his dinner on a tray. He works hard when he works. I did tell him again to pick up the papers, told him that it's wrong to strew the living room, that in the combined 50+ years of my family of origin's school years, we never once strew the living room with our papers. I told him this to give him an example of how a family can live, as opposed to the dysfunctional argumentative way his m&f run their home. When I went in a little later and saw him with the tray on the floor among the strewn papers, I calmly picked up the half eaten dinner and said he could finish when he picked up the papers. I put it in the kitchen. Short time later, he's in the kitchen and d comes home. Instant furious blow-up. I insulted her child and now needed to be bombarded with her wrath and rage. According to her, she can never go anywhere, must stay with her children at all times because I am so horrible. I said 'nothing happened. you don't need to go into a rage.' She said he said that he doesn't ever want to be left with me again.

So now we have the kids being manipulative and dysfunctional. No surprise, but truly heartbreaking. They have been so smart and sensible until recently. I  know that 1, he didn't like it that younger boy went with beloved mama, and later realized that 2, he had a problem with his homework. Anyway, ugly fury and rage continued until at least 1 am, and she's back at me this morning. According to her, I have the quality of creating rage in others. How am I going to fix this, she asks.

IMHO, she desperately needs to fight with me and rage, and however I respond to her she will find an excuse to do it. She is like an active volcano that must erupt over and over and over until the burning pain inside her is healed. Validating her is just postponing the eruption. I do validate her, often. I have changed my behavior towards her. But she is getting worse because of the mental problem she has. All stress makes her worse, and many of the things she does cause more stress. It's a vicious cycle. Maybe she was starving when she came home from the very long walk that she's not used to. She doesn't monitor these things. She erupts.

I always carry the feeling that I have done something wrong. I ignore her raving much more than I used to and now fear that that is not right either. The boys must see that as accepting it. I feel that I'm in a very no win situation. I haven't slept a full night in weeks and have chronic heartburn.

Thanks for any feedback.

Glenna

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Sorry you are enduring these outbursts Glenna, it is rough having others in our homes who don't respect limits, expectations or boundaries.

Have you asked your daughter what limits and expectations she has for her children while living in your home?  Maybe if it is she who sets them with the children you can move from persecutor on the drama triangle to the middle/neutral position in some of these situations.

[Giggy]

I am so sorry that you are having these issues with your daughter.  She sounds a lot like my son.  It's very difficult, we can't seem to do anything right... .

I am struggling too but trying hard to keep my wits about myself.