Putting up boundaries with a Person who has BPD?

[Sky100]

The good news is that focusing on yourself and getting yourself healthier is good for your pwBPD.

It may not "fix" him... .but will nudge in the right direction.

FF

Hello FF

It is interesting because I tried for years to take care of myself in my marriage but it seems every time I made an attempt to take care of myself, it would trigger him and he would become more angry and controling. It is sad because I really wanted to be able to save the marriage but I see the only way to save me and my son is to leave.

I read of many people who are able to change and become healthier inside the marriage but unfortunately in my case, it seems impossible.

[formflier]

  it would trigger him and he would become more angry and controling.

And then you would?

What does angry and controlling mean?  What does it look like?  What would your reaction look like?

Trying to get a picture of what the back and forth looked like.

Again, not trying to say it was your "fault", but sometimes there is a better way.

Glad to meet you, wish it was under better circumstances. 

Remember, your answers and this thread may help you AND many others that read it with similar dynamics.  Thanks for sharing.

FF

[JQ]

JQ - Thank you for sharing the importants of being responsible for our oun healing. I do agree that learning from each other and sharing our experiences with one another is a big part of our own recovery.   Thxs

Hello Sky   

You are certainly welcome and I completely agree with your statement that we can & DO learn from others ... .the teacher and the student. Sometime the teacher becomes the student and the student becomes the teacher.     I've learned so much here on this site in addition to a good T, life experiences, books, etc.  It's all part of the educational process in learning about ourselves and how BPD affects us.

I believe if we depend on others to somehow impart words of wisdom, education, experience, aka the "magic pill" that we are doing ourselves a disservice.  We must be willing to look within ourselves, take responsibility for our own actions or inactions, we must take responsibility for our own healing and our own journey moving forward. No one person can do everything by themselves and this site has help more people learn that very idea ... .I am one.

You have seem to learn this too ... .   

You're doing an amazing job on yourself ... .keep up the great work!

J

[Sky100]

 it would trigger him and he would become more angry and controling.

And then you would?

What does angry and controlling mean?  What does it look like?  What would your reaction look like?

Trying to get a picture of what the back and forth looked like.

Again... .not trying to say it was your "fault", but sometimes there is a better way.

Glad to meet you... .wish it was under better circumstances.  

Remember... .your answers and this thread may help you AND many others that read it with similar dynamics.  Thanks for sharing.

FF

Hi FF

Here is a perfect example

I would go to the gym and after I return home I see my BPDh angry. ( I know he is upset because I did something good for me)

He follows me and starts  a fight over something small and ridiculous.

He might say something like, " Your music is too loud! You are very inconsiderate!

I would say, " I  did not realize it was too loud or bothering you, I will lower it. But please don't yell at me. Can you please tell me nicer next time"

He would say, " You are so sensitive. You always think I am yelling when I am not! You have a big problem!

I see my son listening so I would say, can we continue this conversation in another room please.

He would then yell, You don't have to hide from our son! We are just talking ! Anything you have to say you can say in front of him!

I then say, I am leaving, I will talk to you later.

This is the type of conversations we have Daily.

I put boundaries up always... .even went to three Therapists with him but all he does is blame me for everything. It really is Heartbreaking that he does not take any responsibility.

[Sky100]

  Hello JQ

You bring up an excellent point. We need to take responsibility for our own healing. I think we all look for a magical solution outside ourselves. I have done this for years! Waiting for someone to tell me the correct solution, reading many books... .basically hoping that something outside myself would heal me.  But you are 100% correct. We can use outside resources for Education or reflection but the real work could only come from INSIDE OURSELVES.

Thank You for your insightful comments!  

[JQ]

 Hello JQ

You bring up an excellent point. We need to take responsibility for our own healing. I think we all look for a magical solution outside ourselves. I have done this for years! Waiting for someone to tell me the correct solution, reading many books... .basically hoping that something outside myself would heal me.  But you are 100% correct. We can use outside resources for Education or reflection but the real work could only come from INSIDE OURSELVES.

Thank You for your insightful comments!  

Hi Sky, 

So back to the original idea / statement / question you put out there. What are YOU doing to put in your boundaries to protect yourself?  What are YOU going to do if they break those boundaries?  Cause & affect?  What have YOU done to continue your healing? What have YOU learned when you looked inside at yourself?   

You don't need to tell us the group of you're uncomfortable ... .but certainly a question you must ask and answer for yourself.   

J

[Sky100]

Hi JQ

Very good question you ask. What boundaries did I put up to protect myself. Well, I did put in place , the ultimate boundary of seperation. We are currently seperated but for financial reasons we are under the same roof  We are trying to work out the details  of the Divorce ourselves without Lawyers. We are in the middle of working out the details and I am hoping we are able to complete it without Lawyers. So far he has been good and coorapitive but I am thinking this won't last and we may have to get lawyers involved. We will see.

As far as my Boundaries go, I have been good about not ALLOWING him to manipulate and control me. If he yells at me, I leave the house for a bit.

As far as Healing goes , I take alot of time alone and I am slowly trying to stop to take care of the world. I am surprised how empy and guilty I feel if I take time for myself. It is as though I feel responsible for everyone. This is only shows me that I have alot of work and Healing to do  within myself .  I know it won't be easy but I am ready... .

[JQ]

Hi JQ

Very good question you ask. What boundaries did I put up to protect myself. Well, I did put in place , the ultimate boundary of seperation. We are currently seperated but for financial reasons we are under the same roof  We are trying to work out the details  of the Divorce ourselves without Lawyers. We are in the middle of working out the details and I am hoping we are able to complete it without Lawyers. So far he has been good and coorapitive but I am thinking this won't last and we may have to get lawyers involved. We will see.

As far as my Boundaries go, I have been good about not ALLOWING him to manipulate and control me. If he yells at me, I leave the house for a bit.

As far as Healing goes , I take alot of time alone and I am slowly trying to stop to take care of the world. I am surprised how empy and guilty I feel if I take time for myself. It is as though I feel responsible for everyone. This is only shows me that I have alot of work and Healing to do  within myself .  I know it won't be easy but I am ready... .

Hi Sky,

You are further down your path then you might realize      You've put in and maintained a boundary!  You're NOT allowing him to control the situation or allowing him to manipulate you !       And you also realize that you like ALL of us have more work to do ... .as I've said, I am a "recovering codependent" and will be for the rest of my life. I have to make sure no matter what, I will not be allowed to get involved with another BPD in my future. It's a work in progress and so are you.   

I know how you feel about feeling empty and guilty about taking time out to take care of yourself. BUT you have to realize that if you don't take care of yourself who will?  We can only do so much here in the "group", we can help give you the tools, point out what you're lacking or more importantly what you are doing correctly like we have been.

BUT NEVER EVER FEEL GUILTY FOR TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF!     Remember the 51% rule Sky and you'll do well 

You are responsible for YOUR happiness !  And I'm sure you've heard the same thing from your T ... .so I'll jump off my soapbox now ... . 

You're among friends         

J

[formflier]

If you are interested in trying some boundaries short of the ultimate one, I think they have a shot at lowering the temp in the r/s.

And, keep you from hearing abusive things.

If you are ready to go, we can help support you that way as well.

The key is, listen to them when they are being nice and take your ears elsewhere when they are being "mean".  Yes, it is more complicated than that, but that is the big theory.

FF