Please help...I am at a crossroads

[Usmcwife35]

My daughter just turned 18 last week after coming out of her 4th or so acute stay at a local psych facility.  (12 days) 

After years of failed residential stays (thanks to our military insurance kicking her out in the 150th day each time), jail, arrests, near fatal overdoses, rages, violence, promiscuity, Disrespect, hatred, stealing my cars, not going to school, failing school, suspensions, CPS  involvement, major drug and alcohol abuse and now the latest... .prostitution (escorting if u will), she turned 18, and is currently sleeping.  She is supposed to be at her school (alternative ) to graduate in june. All she needs to do is be at this school to graduate.  She doesn't care.

My husband is in the military, he is technically her step father but her legal father but they do not get along.  We have an 8 and 16 year old who have unfortunately paid the price for their older sister in many ways but mostly the lack of positive attention they receive or lack thereof, because we are ALWAYS dealing with some sort of chaos, or crisis.  The rule was yesterday when she came home from "moving out" ... .pretty much her grabbing a backpack and saying she's 18 and can leave so she did.  The rule was she HAD to go to school and follow the rules of the house it she had to leave. She currently is in her room asleep.

Her only options outside of my home are friends couches, shelters, or back into prostitution. 

What in the world do I do? ? Because I know what I SHOULD do... .but the guilt and worry and pain is so overwhelming, I can't do it.  Our family deserves peace and normal for a bit ... .now that she's an adult, we don't HAVE to deal with it.

How do you kick your kid out?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Nikki15]

I am so sorry for you in this horrible (but familiar) situation. It seems that she has made her choice, and I would say that you made a fair deal for her to stay at school and she has chosen to leave your home because she chose not to do that. I'm sure, like most of us, you have avoided confrontation - I've always found that setting definite rules is like a red rag to a bull for her, but sometimes you've got to do it.

I know the familiar pain and guilt, and it must be terrifying to think about prostitution. I have had a slightly similar situations with unpleasant naked 'modelling' and seriously worried about the 'what next'. However, I know that it was her choice, she would have done it regardless what I said, but would use the threat of it to push my buttons and increase my guilt and pain.

Having said all that, we haven't actually kicked her out as such but have deliberated about it a lot. Presently we are lucky enough to be able to afford to pay for her to live away from us. It's always on my mind though because it can't go on forever so I do anticipate being in your position sometime soon. I hope I can be strong for the sake of my other family members. Good Luck.

xxxxxx

[bpdmom1]

So sorry!

This is truly heartbreaking.  Hard to help someone who is legally an adult when they don't want help.

[landslide]

I ultimately don't have an answer to your question, and I imagine I may be exactly where you are within 2 years.  My daughter is 16 but has done most of the laundry list of what you describe--we have always feared that prostitution/being trafficked is next.  It sounds like your current expectations are a reasonable minimum.  Unless you are willing to re-negotiate those, it seems important to protect the rest of your family and allow her the natural consequences.  When our kids are doing scary and horrible things, it's impossible not to want to control or placate them just enough to make them a little bit safer.  It's a false sense though, because the second anything happens, their behavior escalates again and we wind up feeling a little more broken and jaded.  There are few things worse than realizing you may need to physically and/or emotionally estrange yourself from your own child.  Allow yourself your own process if you need to come to that decision, and be gentle with yourself if you are scared you are doing it too soon or waiting too long.  My heart goes out to you and your family.         

[Shell Shocked]

I have no advice for you but you are not alone.  My daughter is 17 - will be 18 in June.  She does not get along with my husband (he is also her legal, adopted, but not biological father) and we have other children who have sacrificed and paid the price over the years for her behavior.

I asked her to leave the other day when she was screaming, swearing, and throwing things in my kitchen in front of my young children.  She has been spending the last few nights at friend's houses.  I am not sure where we go from here either.  She is in danger of not graduating and she didn't get into any of the colleges she applied to that we can afford either.  We are not going into debt for her college education when she won't even do the work for high school.  I am just not sure what happens next here.  She cannot continue to stay in my home with her current behavior but I am not sure where she will go.  I think she is going to really be sorry about the way she blew this year off when all her friends and her boyfriend go away to school and she is left here with nothing.

[Gorges]

We were in a luckier situation where we did separate from our daughter (turning 18 in two weeks) and it has been a wonderful experience. 

Basically, we moved out of the country for 6 months because my husband had a unique job opportunity.  I told my daughter to stay with her grandparents until she got her college applications squared away and then she could join us because I could tell that she was stressed about this.  Well, one week before we left she got into legal trouble for helping her best friend fight  another girl (first incident ever like this, but thank god the other girl pressed charges) and could not join us because she was waiting for the trial for this incident.  The case will be dismissed if my daughter stays out of trouble and my daughter says she will never do anything like that again and seems to want to stay out of trouble .

Anyway, it has given us time apart which has been wonderful for my mental health. I really had to let go of some things. At first, l was following her on social media and getting upset by her posts and her communication with her best friend about the trial which she had been told not to do.   She blocked me from twitter and instagram as I have been critical of her posts but for some reason we are still friends of facebook.  Anyway, I eventually just let go of caring so much about it and just realize that she is her own person and if she is going to do unpleasant things I would rather not know about them.  In fact, I told her if she gets into legal trouble again, to handle it by herself because she still is friends with her "best friend" after this legal incident.

Also during this time she got into college in our hometown and insisted that she wanted to live at home.  My husband and I said no to this and that she would need to live in the dorms.

I feel like I am a much happier and healthier person because I am not constantly thinking and talking about her and all her problems.  She is 18 now and I just do not think I would be able to fix her anyway.  I have tried everything, multiple therapists, different parenting approaches, you name it. Ofcourse, I was also confined by what my husband was willing to "approve".

She was telling me the other day that she really misses our family and thinks she has this wonderful family.  I think that is nice but understand that this could just be temporary and in the future she could quickly change her tune. 

When my daughter was 16 and after several years of therapy and getting no-where, I suggested that maybe a boarding school or living with another family member would be better for my daughter than the constant fighting that was going on at our house.  She was obviously unhappy and had developed habitual patterns of abuse.  Because my daughter wanted nothing to do with this, the therapist ended the conversation and told me that I was harming my daughter by suggesting this. My husband also did not like the idea of sending her away when she did not want to go.

I look at what has happened now that we are separated and realize how much better it has been for everyone that we are apart. 

My daughter wants to visit us during the last month of our time in this different country and she wants to live with us for about 6 weeks this summer before she goes off to college.  I asked her if she was sure about this because, as much as I love her, it is better if we are apart and not fighting than together and in an abusive relationship.  I also said that we would not tolerate drugs in our house (she had been bringing marijuana into our home) and she agreed to all this.  I am fully aware that she will probably break her promises but it will be a short time till she is off to college and if she breaks her promises we will not take her back in should she fail out of college.

Another thing that has helped me emotionally is that I did a lot of work on my own with a therapist and finally set a limit with my spouse.  I told him that if I was ever in a situation again where I was living with my daughter and she was over 18 and verbally abusing me or my son that I would separate from my husband so that I and my son had a safe place.   This way, I just do not have a fear that I will need to live with this forever.  I used to think I should stay with my husband no matter what, but I now realize that I don't have to and now that my children are older I could walk away very easily if he did not support me on this.

If there is any possible way that you could get your child to leave by setting something up for them instead of "kicking them out"   Community colleges have dorms, maybe there is a family member or friend who will take your daughter? Maybe you could agree to pay rent on an apartment for two months while she looks for a job?  That way, she is at least out of your house and you can change the locks.

In the meantime, I am going to prepare myself for life with my daughter.  Walking way from unpleasant conversations in my number one goal.  If she brings up something unpleasant I will try and not take the bait.